Surprise of the Day

Last night turned out to be an interesting one. Eva decided unbeknownst to us or her, I'm sure, to share whatever bug she had the other night with three of her other sisters. They all decided to let me know they were feeling uckky simultaneously. Well, technically, Ane fell back asleep after she threw up, but the other two were up all night, moaning and groaning, heaving and hurling, and were very unhappy about the entire situation. Grandfather was especially concerned about Ane being sick again in her bed and perhaps something going terribly wrong in the process and so decided to set up camp outside her bedroom door on the floor. I'm sure it couldn't have been all that comfortable. I set up camp in the living room, but really didn't sleep and spent most of the night rubbing backs and trying my best to comfort and reassure them. I felt so terrible for my babies! Who likes to throw up? They have been trying to recover throughout the day today. Eli seems to be doing the best out of all three...we'll see what kind of night we have tonight. As a result of being sick, Lose missed her first ever Halloween Costume parade that the school has every year. She was, needless to say, very very bummed. She and I are both hoping that she can get feeling better so that she can have her game face on for tomorrow's trick or treating marathon.



What is it about Halloween? I'm just not a big fan. I don't think I ever have been. I was trying to describe it to some friends today while Eva and I were waiting for the parade to begin. I think I dislike it so much because it puts me in the situation of trying to create something, specifically the costumes, out of nothing. I'm just not creative in that way. It's not just that I can't think of how to portray a certain costume, but I struggle to think of what costumes to do at all! Add to that my desire to make sure that the girls always like whatever costume we can come up with and that they don't feel that they don't have a good costume because we don't go out and buy them, and it just gets a bit draining for me. It's one of those things that I'm always grateful is over.


The one thing, and possibly the only thing, that I do like about this holiday is the pumpkin carving. I'm not sure why I like it, but I do. Well, I suppose that's not entirely accurate. I like making sure that my kids get to do it, and I love the way it smells, and the way the light shines out of them when they're finished, but I don't actually enjoy the carving. Naki and I had a great arrangement that we perfected over the years. He would help the kids figure out what design they wanted, help them get said design onto the pumpkin, and would help get all the carving done. I, meanwhile, would be making the caramel apples covered with milk and white chocolate drizzles. Wait a minute...no wonder I love this part of the holiday. It's because I don't have to do it and it gets done! I enjoy the tradition of it and the nostalgia it holds for me, the fact that Naki loves doing it with them, I enjoy eating the treats, but most of all I enjoy that it all gets done and I don't have to do any of the work! Luckily my earthly angels came to my rescue tonight. My sister Connie and her husband Steve came down from Nevada tonight with their kiddos and with their efforts and my Dad's incredible cutting and clean up duties, together they got it done. Check. Cross it off of my list. I wanted to make sure that it got done, even though I really didn't want to do it. The Grief Therapist told me that one of the worst things I could ever do right now for the kids would be to remove the traditions that they hold dear. Those traditions are linked in their hearts and minds to their Dad.

I thought we'd made it through another Dadless experience, much like the pumpkin picking, without any difficulty. But we had a grieving moment, Line and I. She was having parental listening troubles and we were discussing that. It became clear to me that it had much less to do with where she was getting dressed after her shower, or whether or not she'd brushed her hair. She was able to express to me that she is having much trouble finding any type of joy in any of her life right now. Not just in these traditions we're trying to continue, but in her day to day actions as well. She just said that more than anything she just wants him to hold her, to talk to her, and to tell her the things she needs to hear from him. I told her that no one expects her to find joy in the fact that her Dad is gone and that we all want those things from our Dad and that it's not even remotely realistic for her to expect to feel joyfull as a result of his death. It is, however, realistic to expect that you will someday experience joy despite his death. Naki is a down to earth kind of guy, and so I was always surprised when he would tell me about the impact that your positive thoughts can have on your life...kind of like karma, I guess. I tried my best to pass this belief of his on to Line...that she can be sad. That's okay. But she has to remember that in order to grow and to move on with the expectation of happiness and joy in her life she needs to continue to hope for it, and have a positive outlook on just the possibility and her desire to have joy. It reminds me so much of Alma 32: 27 in the Book of Mormon. As a matter of fact, she and I read that scripture together earlier this week.

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even unil ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

This sweet girl is struggling...as I'm sure all of them are. She just has never possessed the ability to withhold her thoughts and feelings...they're all right there on her sleeve. I can't wait for Grief Therapy to start...we start attending weekly on the 12th of November. I feel very strongly about the good that grief therapy will do for our little family. I CAN'T WAIT to get started.

Grief is filled with the "expecteds" and the "unexpecteds". I have to tell you. One of the most disturbing unexpecteds I've encountered thus far is the amount of people, mostly complete strangers, who feel entitled to counsel me in a disturbing and quite frankly disrespectful way. I have lost count of how many people have told me not to worry about being alone, because with my young age and good looks (who knew) I won't be alone for long because I'll be swooped up and remarried in no time at all. Really, people. The only reason I haven't taped their mouths shut is because I know that they mean it in the kindest way they know how. I see it like this. A. They feel so badly for me. B. They feel awkward and uncomfortable and are completely unsure about what to say. C. They themselves would never want to be widowed and alone for the rest of their lives. and D. They just plain don't think before they speak. (I had to add D because that's been me on a number of occasions, and I feel for others who are like me.) For reasons A thru D, I feel more badly for them than I do for me. I have, however, learned what to say. When they tell me not to worry, I won't be alone for long, I tell them that my husband was the first person to ever make me feel beautiful and I prefer to be alone than to try and replace that. Or I tell them that I actually like to be alone because the thought of being with anyone other than my Baby makes me nauseous. Or I tell them that no man could ever replace my girlies' Dad in their or my heart. Or I ask them if they want me to hold my palm out so they could possibly read the rest of my future for no charge. Okay, so I don't actually say any of those things. But really, why do people feel so entitled to give me advice like that? I wonder often if they can actually hear themselves. But, I remember many times when friends of mine were grieving from a loss and I myself just didn't know what to say to them, and I so desperately wanted to say something that would appease just a portion of their pain. So I've chosen to believe, out of the goodness of my heart, that these poorly informed people just want to help me feel better. I just smile and graciously say "That's so kind of you.." and leave it at that. See how wise and nice I can be?

Yesterday I had an appointment with the Social Security offices, which went smoothly, by the way. On my way there I got a call from a friend who I'm learning I have more and more in common with. She lost a baby about 5 years ago and has been so helpful for me throughout the last 2 weeks. She was telling me about how some days you sail right through and others you encounter a "Surprise of the Day". She'd discovered that there were moments when her emotions would catch her off guard. Those emotions and whatever triggered them were called the Surprise of the Day. I loved what she calls those moments. I told her I was going to start using that. I quickly thereafter received my Surprise of the Day. I was sitting in my Social Security appointment, waiting while the employee helping me was entering all of our applications for benefits. I started scrolling through my text message conversations to see which I could delete, which numbers I didn't have programmed into my phone, etc. Imagine my shock when as I was scrolling through I came unexpectedly on the last conversation, through text messages, that Naki and I had with each other. As I sat there at the desk across from this sweet little helper, I read the words "On my way home..." with his name right beside it. It so caught me off guard that tears started to roll down my cheeks. Poor little Angie, or maybe it was Ashley, my assigned worker, didn't know what to do with me. I found it so fitting that the last thing he said to me, through text, the night before he died, was that he was on his way "home". Can't wait to be home with you, Naki. Love you and miss you.

Zzzzzz

I am exhausted. Any sentence I begin to form only ends incomplete because right now I can barely lift my heavy dead-weight arms and . Good night...I'll have to try and play blog catch up tomorrow.

Oh Gag

Well folks, I have much that I want to write about tonight...quite a bit actually. And I don't want to get too far behind by not keeping my thoughts updated, because we all know my faulty memory. If I don't get it down here relatively quickly after it's happened, it all becomes a blur. But I'm just so exhausted I have to get some sleep. I'm amazed that I can sleep in this bed at all, since it's where Naki died. But as a wise friend told me, there's one difficult memory here, and many, too many to count, wonderful memories. Our bed is our space...where we'd lay after all the lights were turned out and talk in the dark until 2 in the morning. It's where we would lay at night and watch our favorite shows together. It's where we'd wrestle and he'd put all his submission moves that he learned in training while working at the State Hospital on me and I could never ever win any of those wrestling matches. It's where we spent every Sunday night calendaring the upcoming week so our schedules were coordinated. It's where our little munchkins shuffled to in the middle of the night and would then commence pulling all the covers off of us as they slept sideways with their feet on Naki's face and their heads on my lap. It's where we truly grew to understand each other. And lastly, it's the bed he bought me when we couldn't afford it because I was pregnant at the time, and the mattress we had been sleeping on was so bad my pregnant back and hips couldn't take it. I'd resorted to sleeping in the reclining chair beside our bed and he just couldn't stand seeing me so uncomfortable nor could either of us stand sleeping so far apart from each other. Too many wonderful memories to count...so they overtake that one negative and nightmare of a moment and I am able to peacefully sleep.

That is, until last night. Eva decided that not only was she going to crawl into bed with me, but that she'd squirm and twist and turn so that I couldn't sleep. The icing on the cake was when she tossed her cookies all over the pillow we were sleeping on together. Eeeew. After cleaning her up in the bath and stripping and cleaning the bed, she didn't just toss them she lobbed them. Smart me had a bowl ready for round two, so the cleanup was minimal the second time around. We then slept on the bed with our heads where our feet normally go, and even though logically this doesn't make any sense, I felt like the blood was rushing to my brain the whole time, like my head was lower than my feet. I'm pretty sure the bed is level, so I don't get it. Needless to say I woke not very rested. I am going to go to bed and try to catch some sleep before my bed hog joins me.

So I'll try and post tomorrow if I can. I have some really great things that I need to write down. For now, here are a few of the things the kids have said that I wrote down so I wouldn't forget.

Whenever we hear sirens, or see any rescue vehicles, any one of the girls assume the worst. "Mom, somebody died."

I don't know if Eli figured this out on her own or if she heard someone else say it. But she keeps telling me, "I wish Dad were still alive. But it just doesn't work like that."

Eli told me the other night when I was tucking her in bed, "If I feel my heart beating, does that mean it's growing?" At first I thought she was referring to the way her Dad always teaches her to let her heart grow with love. Then it occurred to me that she was expressing her fear that perhaps her heart was growing and she too might have an enlarged heart like Naki did.

Line told me "I feel guilty because I never feel Dad like everyone else." She sounds like me the day after he died. *we're working on her and her guilt issues*

After our pumpkin picking outing at The Red Barn, I was tucking Malia in when she told me, "I know Dad helped me pick my pumpkin tonight." I asked her what that meant and she clarified it for me by explaining that every year she can never find a good pumpkin and so Dad always helps her find the one she has in mind. But this year was different. She said that "I walked right to the perfect pumpkin, and I know that Dad was helping me pick my pumpkin."

I love these girlies so very much.

Disneyland?!

This morning I accidentally threw Grandfather for a loop. I'd forgotten to tell him that Grandpa Maile doesn't watch the three little girlies on Tuesdays and Thursdays because he goes to the temple those mornings. Thus, we don't have to get started with our morning routine at 6:00, but 6:30 instead. He didn't confess until late this evening, that he was up and moving about, not quite sure if he should wake everyone up in case we'd overslept. It's quite the cute picture I have of him in my head, kind of pacing around, trying to figure out what to do, exactly. How I love him and the amazing service he is giving me. I'm not used to this, I must admit. I alternate between feeling guilty as I see him working around the house, like he should sit down and rest a bit, and feeling like I'm possibly taking advantage of him as I place my lunch order. Tonight I forced my phone and camera on him because I couldn't figure something out with both of them, exactly the thing I used to do with Naki. After Grandfather goes back home, I'm just gonna have to figure that stuff out on my own. But, I know myself well enough to know that I'm more than capable, most of the time, at doing that stuff. I just don't want to or like to. *sigh* Oh well. I guess I better get used to it. I wanted to share with all of you who are reading this one of the Lord's tender mercies. Most of you know that about a week and a half before Naki died I went to Idaho to visit my family while Naki stayed with the kids. While I was there my parents took me out to dinner. At the end of our meal my Dad told me of a plan he'd conceived. My Dad is an avid golfer, or as my Mom calls him, a "rabid" golfer. And in my opinion, he is a good one, too. Anyone who can whack those teeny balls around and actually make them go in a hole the size of a doughnut is pretty darn good, in my book. Anyway, at dinner he told me that during the winter snowy months in Couer D'Alene he gets a bit stir crazy and had decided that he would be coming to Utah to stay with me and Naki and would serve as our "Man Friday". (I had to ask what the heck that meant when he told me...couldn't figure out if that meant he would change his name to Friday, or he'd only be here on Fridays, or what! But apparently it's doing the same things that he's doing right now.) I find it no coincidence whatsoever that Heavenly Father had already given my Dad the promptings that I would so desperately need him. Just one of the many ways I've discovered that I have not been forgotten and that I am indeed not alone.

So today was a big day for Eli. She really really REALLY didn't want to go back to Joy School, our version of preschool. But the good news is she did it, and as is typical of her, she was proud of herself for doing it and even was glad she had done it. I guess it starts young...feeling good about yourself because you know you've triumphed over something that's hard for you.

Since we started back to school this week I decided to ease back into dance by giving the girlies the option to go this week or not. Line was the only one who wanted to go back today, surprise surprise. We'll see who wants to go on Thursday. It was the perfect opportunity to spend some much needed one on one time with her. Because of the loud and impossible-to-ignore methods that the younger girls use to express their emotions, the older girls I fear sometimes sit back and wait for me to notice that they need me. Line is no exception. I know that she is craving love and affection from me right now...Whew! It's rewarding to feel so loved and needed, but I just hope there's enough of me to around. While we were out at dance, I experienced my first bout of "retail therapy". Actually, that's not accurate. My first official prescribed retail therapy came with Ginny and my dear friend Laura...those girlies are shopping soul mates. They were speaking a language that I can't even begin to comprehend when they took me shopping for the clothes that I wore Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday for all the services. And there is definitely something to be said for feeling like a million bucks. I sure did. They knew I needed that even when I didn't.

I'll admit to feeling a bit of nervousness at the thought that my former stylist is no longer here to make sure I don't walk out of the house looking a bit odd. So, I was at TJ Maxx tonight and was looking at the shoes when the thought hit me that I'll never know which sneakers are dorky and which ones are high fashion. Not everyone can tell the difference, I know, but Naki always made sure that I didn't have any sneaker faux paus. I guess now I can walk around in sneaker oblivion. Fits pretty well with all the other things I seem to be walking around in a state of obliviousness about. I know that many who have experienced grieving have told me this, but tonight was one of the first times I'd experienced it. They told me that you find yourself falling apart at the strangest moments...this was definitely one of those moments for me. I was just fine when I was at the Pumpkin Patch last night. But tonight, standing in front of the shoes at TJ Maxx, I actually felt my palms start to sweat, I felt my heart start racing and go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds, and tears just sprang to my eyes. I never expected that. Such a shock. Over sneakers, no less! The moment quickly passed, thank heavens. And now I know what to expect every time I go shopping. Not only the sneakers, but it was a bit of a child like emotion I felt when standing at the counter...like I was going to get in trouble for buying something without permission. Naki and I have always had very tight finances, and so always needed to run things by each other in order to keep our budget in the black and not the red. I honestly felt like I maybe should call my Mom just to see if these were approved purchases I was making. I realized how silly that was, and continued in my shopping...but then when I got home I seriously thought about maybe sneaking them in past my Dad! What am I, 17? So weird, this being alone thing. I'm pretty sure I'll get the hang of it...it's just strange.

A big thanks to my Dad for letting me model my new winter coat to him and for letting me show off my Franco Sarto steal...(did you catch my only Fashion lingo, Ginny and Laura?) He complimented me and was so sweet about it. I guess I could ask the girls what they think about my clothes in the future, but I'm not so sure I want to rely on the advice of those cuties. Malia led me astray once with a gold sequin debacle, and I'm not sure I'm ready for another one. (Just kidding, Malia!)

I'm super excited for tomorrow because we have our first Grief Therapy appointment at 3:30. I wanted to make sure that the girls didn't have any negative ideas about being a person that goes to therapy and so have been building it up for them ever since their Daddy died. I can't wait for some professional advice about the best way to build up these beauties and filling up their wells of confidence and self love. I realized as I was tucking Lose and Eli into bed tonight that I had never fully explained it to Eli, and so immediately started delivering my 'therapy is super fun' spiel. She got super excited and jumped onto her knees, placed both hands on her knees, leaned forward, and exclaimed, "Is it at Disneyland?!". Umm, apparently I need to take the fun level of therapy down a notch...she may be a bit let down when she doesn't get to ride any rollercoasters.

Inadequate Thanks

I've been trying to figure out how to form the words that will adequately describe how I've been feeling towards all those whose love for Naki, myself, and our girls has been showered on us, and "there has not been room enough to receive it". I am astounded and incredibly humbled as I've watched all of you give tirelessly of your time, your money, your thoughtfulness, your prayers, your food, your talents, your patience, your understanding, your faith, and your love to my little family. I know that Naki is so incredibly touched as well...he loves you all and has served you the best way he knows how; by loving you. And I know that he is so proud to be able to call you all friends as he's watched you lift up and love all of his girlies. Line, Malia, Lose, Eli, Eva, Ane, and myself only hope to be able to carry on that legacy of love that he and now all of you have taught us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...Love, Abby

For all of you that read this and know of someone who has served our family but won't get the chance to read this, could you please forward our message of thanks on to them? I want to make sure everyone who has given of themselves knows what it means to us.

Just another Musing Monday

I, or should I say we, made it through another day without Daddy. I'm pleasantly surprised at the things we accomplished today, because of how unsure I was about this day when it started. I decided after the funeral was over that it was time to get the kids back in school and time to get some routine and consistency back into our lives...I believe I mentioned the routine in an earlier post. So we woke this morning, much to my chagrin, back at 6:00 and got the morning rolling with scripture study. We got out the door on time, but had to turn around twice before we actually "left". First it was to return and get Lose's special necklace that has a picture of the girls and Naki on it. She was desperate to wear it to school. At first I wanted to have them only wear it on special occasions but then decided that if they wanted to feel that they were closer to him just by having a picture of him close by, then so be it. I'll keep buying more and more necklaces if they get lost or broken. The second time we turned around it was because Line forgot one of his sweatshirts that she wanted to wear to school. Technically, I guess she didn't forget. But when we dropped the little girls off at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house she saw Malia wearing one and was just had to wear one as well. So back home we went. Some of the school aged girls were chomping at the bit to get back and be involved and busy. Others had trepidation that someone would want to talk to them about what had happened, and didn't really feel ready. I was thrilled to find that when I picked them up from school that all had gone well. Line's teacher, I know I mentioned before in another post, is the wife of the man that baptized my parents. She and her husband have been over to the house many times over the past week and a half to talk and help in any way that they could. She let the girls come and eat lunch with her today, and Lose informed me that she told her that she could come to her room to cry in private any time she wished...apparently Lose was sharing with her that I had told them that there is no need to hide their tears if they feel like crying. I've also told them that it's okay to be sad and not have tears...you don't have to cry to show sorrow. So, *whew*. One day down, and the rest to go.

I think it was good for the little ones to be back with their Maile family in the morning while I was at the gym. Dad Maile told me that Ane couldn't stop staring at him or following him around wherever he went, which was unusal for her. It must have felt good to see a loving brown face...I miss that, too, Ane. As for me, at least I can say I went to the gym. I know myself well enough to know that it's important for my well being in all areas to get those endorphins movin' around, or released, or whatever it is they do when you work out. I just felt better knowing that I had done it, and know that Naki is proud of me for doing something that I truly haven't yet learned to enjoy.

After the gym, I headed over to the wonder of a place...a shopping center that was genious enough to put Ross, TJ Maxx, and Old Navy all together, right in a row on the same sidewalk. I had returns to take in all three stores from the day before Naki died. I knew I needed to do it, but wondered at how it would play out. I haven't shared much on here yet about how the girls are doing individually, and I don't know how much I will include. To me it is somewhat of a private journey, and respect their own healing, but at the same time feel like it would be beneficial to those around them to know what their needs are and if anything, to have some understanding into what's going on in their difficult yet marvelous lives. But I will say that Eva is currently giving me a run for my money in all parenting departments. She is purposefully belligerent and likes to find "opposition in all things", so to speak. She is quite emotional, and has high and low spikes between happy and horrible moments. Wow...I think I just described myself! I can just hear Naki saying, "Who is she named after?". Needless to say, it was an interesting shopping experience. She didn't want to go anywhere I was going, and she would just run in the opposite direction when I called her name. Truthfully, I didn't need to go to the gym afterall because I was carrying Ane, my returns, trying to keep Eli in sight, and chasing down Eva in every store. When I'd finally catch her, she'd go limp, lay prostrate in the middle of the store, and proclaim loudly, "I'm too seepy...I'm going to seep." Yeah...real fun. But we did it. Sometimes I confuse myself because I don't want like I said before, the pitying glances, but in some situations I'd just like to proclaim to everyone around by maybe me or the girls wearing a sign or something that stated, "Widow in mourning", or "This child just lost her father", or "I really am a good parent" while my child stands on the little platform in Old Navy posing with, or hugging all of the manequins and refusing to get down while she knows I can't possibly squeeze between all of them without toppling all of them over to get to her. But after all of that growth-promoting time at the stores I was lucky and blessed enough to come home to a spit-spot tidy home, freshly polished, bathrooms cleaned, garage organized, carpets with vacuum lines in them, and lunch waiting for me and the kids. What would I do without my Dad here...sorry Mom, but I don't think you're getting him back anytime soon. He is marvelous.

The next challenge for the day came after the girlies came home from school. We have a October tradition that we've done as a family ever since Line was teeny tiny. We drive over to Santaquin and go to The Red Barn where we get to chugg-along on a used-to-be-hay-ride now a tractor ride out to the pumpkin patch and the kiddos get to pick out their own pumpkins. Just a couple days before Naki died he and I had planned on doing this today. He'd even promised the girls that they could get these doughnuts that they make there that we stumbled upon last year. They're covered in granulated sugar, and smell like Fall Heaven with yummy spices and pumpkin love. So, Grandfather, the girlies, and I headed on over. And you know what? We did it...and it was surprisingly, at least for me in the moment, without tears. I think it's because doing something like that doesn't leave a lot of time for retrospective pondering...you're just too busy hollering at Lose to back up from the barbed wire fence where the horses bordered the pumpkin patch, or trying to catch Eli when she tripped on one of the water irrigation hoses and fell face first in the dirt and dried pumpkin vines, or trying to stop Eva from throwing the rocks up in the air behind her that she already swore she was sorry for but still kept sneaking around doing. She only actually hit one person with a rock, and it was one of her own sisters. Maybe after all Mom, you might get Dad back sooner than later...it gets pretty tricky and crazy around here. I'm pretty sure that throughout the day at least one person is in tears...

Between Dad and I we successfully did both dinner and baths...it was time to tackle Family Home Evening. At one point I told the girls that I didn't care if I had to yell over all the different periods of crying...usually it's one person first. Then they stop and someone else starts, etc. etc. But I told them I didn't care if I had to speak REALLY loudly, that we were going to have FHE and we were going to get blessed just for the effort of doing it. But we actually had a sweet lesson. It was the first time everyone was peaceful all at the same time...even if it was for just a couple of minutes. It felt marvelous and good. And the biggest miracle came at the very end of the day...

No One Cried Themself To Sleep!!!

This is a huge first for our house. No one needed me to stay by their bed as they cried about missing their dad. It seems that this time of day brings out the most tears. They all managed to stay in their bed, or at least when they were told to get back in their bed Niagra Falls didn't start flowing. Thus, I have to time to post.

I'm sure I'll feel like this a lot...shock that we actually made it through an entire day without Dad, and I'm even more sure that it won't feel like shock some day but will be normal. But for now, I feel so loved and lifted by my Father in Heaven that I can put my head on my pillow tonight and feel relief that I made it through yet one more day without my best friend to talk to about it.

Journaling....

I'm awake...I don't really want to be awake. These days I feel like I could just sleep forever. Almost like I have felt when I was pregnant. Just a different kind of fatigue. But this is the time of day that the girlies have always woken up and are still waking up, so I'm up. I've felt the need to post something for a while, but honestly do not know where I would begin. I think I might just skip the last week for now, and post things as they come to me. I received a blessing years and years ago that told me that I needed to keep a journal and that I should read it in times of discouragement and despondency. Although this isn't the traditional journal and it certainly isn't very private, for now I'll start in here. Naki always loves reading the posts that I write. In fact, if I haven't posted for a while, he lets me know. Apparently he checks, and often. I feel his influence strongly that keeping this going is important. So, I'll do my best.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My parents, brother, and Aunt left for the airport early in the morning. But they did not leave me stranded! They left me with one of the most competant and loving ladies, my sister Ginny. We spent the morning doing our usual morning type things. I can not wait to get routine back into the girls' lives. I think there are great benefits for kids having a routine...always have felt that way. I felt strongly that we should be in church this Sunday. However, our Primary program is today, and what with the crazy chaos of this past week, the girls havn't really had any practice with their Primary. So that meant that I needed to help them get to church on Saturday for the last practice and the pizza party afterwards. I am so proud of these girls. They are obviously struggling with many things right now. But with love and reassurance eventually they were all 4 (primary aged girlies) able to go and sit with their classes. While I was sitting there listening to all the kids, I was finally able to discover the word that adequately describes what I've been feeling lately. I had originally only been able to think of the word Sad, but it just didn't completely match my emotions. It came to me that what I'm actually feeling is disappointment. Acute disappointment. Over the past week I've had some amazing spiritual confirmations on the strength I have in the Lord and the tender mercies that have led up to this most difficult time for me and the girls. But it doesn't erase the fact that there are so many disappointments over expectations for my future experiences that are forever altered. I wonder when that feeling either lessens, which I doubt, or I'm given the strength to cope and combat those heart wrenching emotions.

We came home from the Primary practice and I was so glad that we had gone. Being involved with people socially has never really been my thing, but I'm channeling some Naki lately and am trying to follow his example in that part of my life.

After a much needed nap, which by the way I totally slept through my alarm to wake me up!, we all rushed around getting gear gathered, shoes on, blankets ready, and bottles pre-made for the BYU football game. Thanks to some work I think on my brother Matt Brousseau's part in talking with our family in the BYU football offices, we were able to get some tickets. For me, it wasn't about the actual game, although that is always a fun atmosphere to be in, win or lose. For me it was carrying on an activity that Naki would be doing if he were here. I don't know how that boy always manages it, but he always has a ticket to the games that he never has to purchase! So we had a great time eating in the alumni tent, visiting with Lavell, walking down onto the field, and being able to bow our heads in a moment of silence for our sweet Daddy as they flashed his picture on the replay screen. We eventually made it over to our seats which were perfect. The girls loved being there, but I have to admit, I think their favorite part was being able to eat food from the concessions while we watched. I had anticipated a difficult experience, as far as managing all the kids throughout the game, since not all of them would love watching the entire time. But because of all of my sisters helping me, it was fantastic. Mid-way through the game another batch of family departed for their homes in Idaho. How I'll miss the comfort of having them all near. But I'm grateful for the sacrifices that all have no doubt made on our behalf.

For today, my goal is to make it through church. Naki has always been the one to handle Ane throughout all 3 hours, so that will be new for me. Plus it is always difficult for me to see people's pitying glances. Different things, often unexpected, make me cry. For those of you reading this, remember that just because I'm crying doesn't mean I can't go on. It's one of those most unexpected experiences I've thus encountered...grieving. There are no written rules, just guidelines, left for those going though it to interpret for themselves.