About a week and a half ago my brother Matthew emailed me an adorable photo of his new baby boy. I noticed something at the bottom of his email, right with his signature, that I'd read before but somehow overlooked. Included in every one of his emails is this quote by John Wooden.
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
It seemed so significant this time as I read it, because the same thought had been occupying much of my thought process for the last two months. My thoughts hadn't yet put words to my feelings, specifically the words "character" and "reputation".
I've discovered something about myself that I would have sworn wasn't true...I'm a people pleaser. It's true. I hate it. As much as I want to be strong and outspoken, and sometimes I actually am, most of the time I first want to be sure that it will go over smoothly with anyone it might effect. I don't know why that is. It's not as if someone not liking what I'm doing or saying will ultimately change what I'm doing and saying, but I guess it just matters to me that what I do and say is acceptable to others. Weird. I don't even know what to say about it. But Matt's quote in his email truly struck a chord with me, as I realized that even though I am striving so diligently to develop my character, I'm allowing my fear of the opinions of those I value and how they see me make me worry about my reputation with them instead of worrying about my character.
Naki's brother Junior and his wife Mona decided that they wanted to have a benefit concert to honor Naki's life and to honor his family. I'm still struggling with being the recipient of such kindness, generosity, and love. It's hard, finding yourself always on the receiving end. I hope for the day when I get to be on the giving end for someone else. Naki died the day after Junior's birthday, which is the day of the concert. October 15th. I felt guilt when I found out that instead of having a birthday this year Junior would be running around busy getting everything just right for the evening's concert. Both he and Mona have assured me that it is exactly the way he wants it, and so I am trying to not feel badly anymore. I'm sure I have no idea what it entails to put something like this together, and wanted to show support for their gift by posting the flyer on my blog. Instantly that guilt I felt earlier, and the worry about how others might perceive my seemingly blatant self-promotion, prevented me from posting. I'd been praying about it when I received a gentle nudge from a friend to go ahead and post it. So here it is.
I am trying so hard to watch and learn from all of their efforts in our behalf, so that I can try and emulate their Godly attributes that I continually feel blessed by. I hope to see many many friends on Friday night. And not to worry, I'm totally going to wear my waterproof mascara.
After I'd decided to go ahead and post the flyer on here, I received a second gentle nudge, this time from God. He reminded me to tune in to what is the most important, what He thinks of me, instead of wasting my mental and emotional energy worrying about the choices of others over which I have no control. He reminded me that He knows my heart, and that what others may or may not perceive doesn't even matter in the end.
Fast forward to the Saturday Afternoon session of General Conference this past weekend. Those of you unfamiliar with what that may be, it is the biyearly conference of the leaders of our church here in Salt Lake City, Utah. I look forward to their words every six months, and hope that somehow in between wrestling the littles and encouraging the other littles to listen well, I will manage to catch some of those words. My head snapped to attention this past Saturday when I heard Richard G. Scott say the word "character". In no way do I find his topic of choice a coincidence. I do not understand how it works. There were a total of 34 speakers this year over the several different sessions, and when compared to the number of members in this church and the problems they are facing, it is shocking to me that every individual can come away from the conference, feeling as if they were speaking directly to them. In the conference from the previous six months, the one in April 2010, I was astonished how many people made reference to losing a father, or a death in the family. This conference was no different in my ability to feel as if certain talks were prepared for me and what I needed to learn from the Lord. I've taken a few quotes from Elder Scott's talk on the transforming power of faith and character. They better say what I've been feeling recently about how significant developing my character truly is.
"Faith in the future is demonstrated by a couple sealed in the temple. They understand that by obedience to the teachings of Jesus Christ and the plan of happiness of our Father in Heaven, they can have a joyous life together. They recognize that when the challenges intended to be growth opportunities come, they will find ways, as prompted by the Holy Ghost, to overcome them in ways that are productive and character building."
"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day. Righteous character is a precious manifestation of what you are becoming. Righteous character is more valuable than any material object you own, any knowledge you have gained through study, or any goals you have attained no matter how well lauded by mankind. In the next life your righteous character will be evaluated to assess how well you used the privilege of mortality." *I refer to this in my mind on a daily basis...how well am I using this privilege of mortality?*
"An axiom we all understand is that you get what you pay for. That is true for spiritual matters as well. You get what you pay for in obedience, in faith in Jesus Christ, in diligent application of the truths you learn. What you get is the molding of character, the growth in capacity, and the successful completion of your mortal purpose to be proven and to have joy."
"You cannot be passive in life, or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about. Lack of character leads one under pressure to satisfy appetite or seek personal gain. You cannot successfully bolster a weak character with the cloak of pretense."
At times I have been frustrated at how some of my own choices are so completely out of line with what I'm trying to accomplish. On occasion I've acted without thought and very quickly discovered that such actions inhibit any progress that I so want to be making. In those moments of weakness this last quote helps me to try and not be discouraged at my imperfection, but instead to continue to move forward in spite of it.
"If you have determined to live righteously, don’t become discouraged. Life may seem difficult now, but hold on tightly to that iron rod of truth. You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline, and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments. May the Holy Ghost prompt you to always make decisions that fortify your character and yield much joy and happiness."
I'm watching and learning...watching and learning from those who are so clearly developing their own character so as to be able to say that they honored this privilege of mortality. Thank you to everyone who is involved in putting together and performing at the upcoming benefit concert this Friday. Your generous gift has helped me to strengthen and build my character even more. Love you all.
