Six Maile Chix

Writing my feelings and thoughts on my blog has been such an essential part of my healing process. I have done myself a disservice by not writing over the past couple of months. I HAVE journaled, about the girls, but I haven't used this space as a place to sort out my thoughts as I had before. As a result, I have been emotionally stuck. I chose purposefully to not write. I find myself thinking and feeling things that are so foreign and unfamiliar that I didn't want to write about them where everyone could read them. Many of you are supportive and nonjudgemental. But I know a teeny tiny percentage of you that just aren't. That's okay...everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But as a result I chose to hide my feelings in order to make my life "easier". Hah. What a joke. This summer has been so incredibly difficult, and I need to write some things out. I have not decided as of yet if I will write them here for all to read, or if I will write them in a private blog on an invitation only basis, or if I will just keep a computer journal where no one will read what I write. Not sure what the right thing to do is. I only know that if I can find the time to do it, I should. It helps me.

For the past week we've been minus our two eldest, Line and Malia. They've been spending the week in Northern Idaho with my parents at their yearly grandparent retreat. Once a grandchild turns 8 they are eligible to go. I figured out that in about 6 years I can book myself a week cruise, or a trip anywhere I want to go, since all of the girlies will be there for a whole week. Woo-Hoo! Time to fill up my passport. I was just telling a friend of mine last night how much I have this insane craving to fill up my passport. I guess I actually have to own one first. Any suggestions where my first stamp should be to? And this trip is open to others who want to travel with me...just no couples. Sorry all my friends who have a second half. I just don't think I could do a trip that Naki and I always talked about taking surrounded by people in love. Nope. Not happening.

What a fun week we've had, my four littles and I. It's such a shock to realize that as your children age the dynamic of your family is shifting and changing. For now it seems so permanent to have Line and Malia here to rely on and to enjoy. They are such amazing girlies. But in their absence, as they did last year, Lose and Eli have truly risen to the occasion and have shown their own potential for responsibility, nurturing, and buddy potential for mom. Some day that's how it will be! Crazy to think about. I also was able to discover where a major source of my everyday chaos comes from. Yes. It's from them. They are constantly wrestling, shoving, teasing, taunting, and pushing each other over their limits. But they're giggling the entire time. They are so sweet together, and have been so good to Eva and Ane. They've read to them, helped them bathe, assisted them in rinsing their dishes and loading them in the dishwasher, oh! And they've even been in charge of breakfast and cleanup, with little to no problems. On top of all that they've had to divide Line's and Malia's chores up and add them to the ones they already have responsibility for. And they have not complained about it, not even once. Eli came to me this morning and said, with her head hung down, "Mom? I'm afraid I have to tell you something..." "I actually miss being sassed by my big sisters! I can't wait for them to come home." Time apart is good...it helps us remember why we want to be together.

One of the downsides about my process of grief is that I have subconsciously taught my brain to be even more forgetful. Let me explain.

If I were to have let my brain take in all the details of my every day life, I would have never ever survived. It would have been overwhelming emotionally. And so, I would select the things I needed to know that were essential for me to survive for that day, and that day only. As a result, my brain is incredibly forgetful. I hate it! A sister in my ward asked me to play the piano for her today. A beautiful song. I got the girlies up early, took them over to the pool because we're cleaning it and opening it for our friend this weekend, brought them back and got everyone ready for church, practiced my song, and got to church with enough time to practice it in the chapel. My home teacher and Bishop's counselor came to me and said they didn't have a musical number on the program for today, and that it was most likely for Relief Society. Duh. It was. She'd even told me that, but I hadn't remembered. I'd spent the entire time she was talking trying to tell myself to remember that I was playing for her at all, let alone remembering for what meeting. Ahhh...the good ole days when I had my normal levels of forgetfulness.

My ultimate favorite part of the day was during Relief Society. The teacher had asked a couple of different sisters to share some thoughts about how specific principles of the gospel had helped them feel closer to the Savior. She had asked Brenda Oldroyd, a sister in my ward that I adore, to share thoughts on service. Brenda suffered a stroke this past year, and has been on her own journey of recovery and discovery as a result. She inspires us all, as she sits at the doors of the chapel every Sunday in her wheelchair, welcoming everyone and uplifting us all. As she gently and softly spoke into a microphone telling us about how service has affected her, she proceeded to tell a story about one particular day. She spoke of how she had some headphones in and was bobbing her head listening to some music, when her son asked her who she was rocking out to, teasing her about her love for country music. She replied no, she was listening to the Maile girls sing a song. I started quietly sobbing in my chair. I remember the day our Relief Society President told us sisters that she was making a recording to take to Brenda in her recovery facility, and wanted to ask us sisters in Relief Society if we would think of something inspiring to put on there for her. I knew, just knew, that I needed to contribute. It was time to be a giver and not a receiver. I also knew, that there was no way I would be able to get through talking on the recording without breaking down. Things were still so fresh and so painful, there was no possible way I was capable of that. So I signed up, wondering what I would put on there. The Sunday our President came over to my house, I felt prompted to practice a primary song with the girls and have that be our contribution. Brenda has always loved hearing Naki and I sing, and I knew that it would be just the right thing. However. On that day, I was shot. I didn't have anything left to give, and I remember asking Heavenly Father to please, please help me do this for Brenda. Please help me to have what it took to give to someone when I felt so empty inside. I clearly remember all the girls, introducing themselves on the tape and that Ane would not stop talking throughout the entire thing. But we sang. And it was exactly the right thing. I cried and cried as she spoke of how it has helped her, and felt so grateful that God helped me complete His task for Brenda that day. I told her afterwards that we'll sing as many songs as she'd like, if she was interested, to which she said yes. Looks like we have a bit of recording to get busy doing.