Disneyland?!

This morning I accidentally threw Grandfather for a loop. I'd forgotten to tell him that Grandpa Maile doesn't watch the three little girlies on Tuesdays and Thursdays because he goes to the temple those mornings. Thus, we don't have to get started with our morning routine at 6:00, but 6:30 instead. He didn't confess until late this evening, that he was up and moving about, not quite sure if he should wake everyone up in case we'd overslept. It's quite the cute picture I have of him in my head, kind of pacing around, trying to figure out what to do, exactly. How I love him and the amazing service he is giving me. I'm not used to this, I must admit. I alternate between feeling guilty as I see him working around the house, like he should sit down and rest a bit, and feeling like I'm possibly taking advantage of him as I place my lunch order. Tonight I forced my phone and camera on him because I couldn't figure something out with both of them, exactly the thing I used to do with Naki. After Grandfather goes back home, I'm just gonna have to figure that stuff out on my own. But, I know myself well enough to know that I'm more than capable, most of the time, at doing that stuff. I just don't want to or like to. *sigh* Oh well. I guess I better get used to it. I wanted to share with all of you who are reading this one of the Lord's tender mercies. Most of you know that about a week and a half before Naki died I went to Idaho to visit my family while Naki stayed with the kids. While I was there my parents took me out to dinner. At the end of our meal my Dad told me of a plan he'd conceived. My Dad is an avid golfer, or as my Mom calls him, a "rabid" golfer. And in my opinion, he is a good one, too. Anyone who can whack those teeny balls around and actually make them go in a hole the size of a doughnut is pretty darn good, in my book. Anyway, at dinner he told me that during the winter snowy months in Couer D'Alene he gets a bit stir crazy and had decided that he would be coming to Utah to stay with me and Naki and would serve as our "Man Friday". (I had to ask what the heck that meant when he told me...couldn't figure out if that meant he would change his name to Friday, or he'd only be here on Fridays, or what! But apparently it's doing the same things that he's doing right now.) I find it no coincidence whatsoever that Heavenly Father had already given my Dad the promptings that I would so desperately need him. Just one of the many ways I've discovered that I have not been forgotten and that I am indeed not alone.

So today was a big day for Eli. She really really REALLY didn't want to go back to Joy School, our version of preschool. But the good news is she did it, and as is typical of her, she was proud of herself for doing it and even was glad she had done it. I guess it starts young...feeling good about yourself because you know you've triumphed over something that's hard for you.

Since we started back to school this week I decided to ease back into dance by giving the girlies the option to go this week or not. Line was the only one who wanted to go back today, surprise surprise. We'll see who wants to go on Thursday. It was the perfect opportunity to spend some much needed one on one time with her. Because of the loud and impossible-to-ignore methods that the younger girls use to express their emotions, the older girls I fear sometimes sit back and wait for me to notice that they need me. Line is no exception. I know that she is craving love and affection from me right now...Whew! It's rewarding to feel so loved and needed, but I just hope there's enough of me to around. While we were out at dance, I experienced my first bout of "retail therapy". Actually, that's not accurate. My first official prescribed retail therapy came with Ginny and my dear friend Laura...those girlies are shopping soul mates. They were speaking a language that I can't even begin to comprehend when they took me shopping for the clothes that I wore Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday for all the services. And there is definitely something to be said for feeling like a million bucks. I sure did. They knew I needed that even when I didn't.

I'll admit to feeling a bit of nervousness at the thought that my former stylist is no longer here to make sure I don't walk out of the house looking a bit odd. So, I was at TJ Maxx tonight and was looking at the shoes when the thought hit me that I'll never know which sneakers are dorky and which ones are high fashion. Not everyone can tell the difference, I know, but Naki always made sure that I didn't have any sneaker faux paus. I guess now I can walk around in sneaker oblivion. Fits pretty well with all the other things I seem to be walking around in a state of obliviousness about. I know that many who have experienced grieving have told me this, but tonight was one of the first times I'd experienced it. They told me that you find yourself falling apart at the strangest moments...this was definitely one of those moments for me. I was just fine when I was at the Pumpkin Patch last night. But tonight, standing in front of the shoes at TJ Maxx, I actually felt my palms start to sweat, I felt my heart start racing and go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds, and tears just sprang to my eyes. I never expected that. Such a shock. Over sneakers, no less! The moment quickly passed, thank heavens. And now I know what to expect every time I go shopping. Not only the sneakers, but it was a bit of a child like emotion I felt when standing at the counter...like I was going to get in trouble for buying something without permission. Naki and I have always had very tight finances, and so always needed to run things by each other in order to keep our budget in the black and not the red. I honestly felt like I maybe should call my Mom just to see if these were approved purchases I was making. I realized how silly that was, and continued in my shopping...but then when I got home I seriously thought about maybe sneaking them in past my Dad! What am I, 17? So weird, this being alone thing. I'm pretty sure I'll get the hang of it...it's just strange.

A big thanks to my Dad for letting me model my new winter coat to him and for letting me show off my Franco Sarto steal...(did you catch my only Fashion lingo, Ginny and Laura?) He complimented me and was so sweet about it. I guess I could ask the girls what they think about my clothes in the future, but I'm not so sure I want to rely on the advice of those cuties. Malia led me astray once with a gold sequin debacle, and I'm not sure I'm ready for another one. (Just kidding, Malia!)

I'm super excited for tomorrow because we have our first Grief Therapy appointment at 3:30. I wanted to make sure that the girls didn't have any negative ideas about being a person that goes to therapy and so have been building it up for them ever since their Daddy died. I can't wait for some professional advice about the best way to build up these beauties and filling up their wells of confidence and self love. I realized as I was tucking Lose and Eli into bed tonight that I had never fully explained it to Eli, and so immediately started delivering my 'therapy is super fun' spiel. She got super excited and jumped onto her knees, placed both hands on her knees, leaned forward, and exclaimed, "Is it at Disneyland?!". Umm, apparently I need to take the fun level of therapy down a notch...she may be a bit let down when she doesn't get to ride any rollercoasters.