Hero

Tuesday night softball again tonight. I'm thrilled to announce that the pain that accompanied last week's games wasn't as intense this week. It was, however, a little of a shock as I was following Ane climbing on the bleachers to hear her keep saying, "Daddy, Daddy!" and pointing out to the field. I think she was seeing her uncles from a distance, but I will never doubt that children, especially young ones, are privy to some things that I am not. You just never know.

Lose threw an especially large fit when I told her it was time to leave. We HAD to leave because Malia was at dance and we were due to pick her up in less than 10 minutes. She said some pretty awful things to me, so awful that even Eli said, "Wow, Lose. That's not nice to say to Mom." You know it's not very nice if Eli judges the comments to be pretty harsh...seeing how she delivers some doosies herself every now and then. As we were finally climbing the stairs up into the house from the garage, Lose started to complain about something. I told her, "Lose, I think it's better for you to just not talk anymore. I'm trying really hard to not get mad at you right now.", to which she replied, "Well, I'm trying really hard to not get mad at YOU right now". A natural reaction of mine would be to tell her to stop sassing me, but it occured to me that she actually had taken quite a large step back from her awful fit throwing, and was now doing as she'd been asked. Her statement to me wasn't a statement of sass at all. She actually was trying really hard to not get mad at me! I found a bit of humor in our interaction. Currently she blows her top majorly and then feels awful about it. She constantly tells me after she's calmed down, "Mom, I'm just a dirty rat!" I've asked her where she ever heard that, and what being a rat has anything to do with not listening to me. Does she know something about rats that I don't? Do they have a hard time with being strong spirited, too? I told her that I think rats are amazing because of the overall discontempt they have to endure on a daily basis...I think they're pretty brave and courageous. And they're dirty because they are willing to eat and live where no one else will. She doesn't agree with me because it takes all the credibility out of her theory that she's a dirty rat. How I adore that girl.

It's ironic. None of the girls ever want to leave the softball fields. I tell them that it's bedtime, not to mention that we have to take a bath when we get home. They all swear that they're not tired at all. But wouldn't you know when we get home they're all dragging their feet, insisting that they are now, suddenly, just too exhausted to take a bath. Tonight after I shuttled little kiddos through the bathtub, older kiddos now shower all on their own!, and was draining the tub, one of the girls pointed to a dark ring around the bathtub. "What's that line?", someone asked me. "That, girlies, is the filth that we just washed off of your little tushies from the softball fields". "Eeew!", they all exclaimed in unison.

The extra amount of work that softball games have always brought into my life and the extra amount of energy necessary is exhausting and dirty. But the girls have such fun being there, and it provides us with time together as a family, which I wouldn't trade for the world. Plus I really do love the few glimpses of the game that I actually get to see. I feel guilty imagining myself not going to a game. But I try to remind myself that I didn't attend all the games when Naki was alive, it's certainly nothing to feel disloyal about if I don't feel up to all the extra work.

On the way home from the game the girls were watching the movie called Nim's Island. It's truly one of my new favorite movies. In the movie there is a famous author who writes adventure books that the girl in the movie loves to read. There is a quote from a character in the book who says repeatedly to himself, "I must be the hero of my own life story, I must be the hero of my own life story, I must be the hero of my own life story", whenever he's in a bind that looks impossible to remove himself from. I've thought about that idea many a time since Naki died. I am the only one who can be the hero of my own life story. No one can do any of this for me. How grateful I am for the second chance I have been given to turn to the Savior and come to know Him better. I am ashamed to admit that it has taken such a painful experience to bring me to Him. I knew that there was much room for improvement in my personal relationship with the Savior, and that there was much I needed to study and pray about in order to obtain the relationship with Him that I wanted. Ever the procrastinator, I've relied so much on Naki's spiritual strength and never ending faith to carry our family and to carry me. I've lost track of the hundreds of conversations that Naki and I have had that ended in him telling me, "It'll be okay, Abby. You just need to have more faith."

I've been going weekly to my therapy sessions. Each morning before the appointment time I think to myself, "I don't think I need to go anymore...I can't think of anything that I need to talk about that I haven't already discussed." And each time I've concluded a session with the therapist I'm amazed at the connections I've made about my thought processes and what I need to examine within myself. Last week I was shocked to realize that I am not only mourning Naki in this life, but that because of some of my views on the nature and lifestlye of "Heaven", I'm mourning him there, too. Where did I get such strange views? Where have those assumptions come from and what are they based on? I'm still working through all of it, and havn't finished that self-examination process as of yet. But it occurred to me that the root of my assumptions is actually a lack of faith. Many of the things that I want to know are things that cannot be completely known at this time. They are things that no one could possibly know. I don't think it's necessary to make a list here...I'd be here for a long time if I did that. But it's shocking to me that each and every thing on my list of unanswered questions can all essentially be linked to my lack of faith in God's plan for me, His love for me, and even my lack of faith in Naki. How could I not trust God and not trust Naki?

This six month mark in our grief is really hitting all of us really hard. Just when I felt we were really making progress it actually feels like we're starting back at square one. In different ways, some of us are dealing with abandonment issues. For Lose, Eli, and Eva there has been a definite theme to their pain this last two weeks. We believe that our bodies are a temporary house for our eternal spirits and that when we die our spirits live on while our bodies die. We highly anticipate the day of the Savior's coming again to the earth, and believe that at such time our bodies and spirits will be reunited, never to be separated again. As peaceful as this is for us, it's also confused the younger kids. Not knowing when the Savior will come is a hard concept for them to wrap their still developing minds around. To them it could be today, tomorrow, and even as far away as next week. But certainly to them it is never seen in months, years, or even lifetimes. This last two weeks has been awful to hear them voice their thoughts of feeling like Jesus will never come, which in turn means that, in their words, "Dad isn't coming back alive". It's as if they're dealing with his death for the first time again. It has been so painful to hear them express their feelings of feeling like Dad left them, and that he doesn't want to come back or he would've by now. It's excruciating to be holding your little one after an overwhelming tantrum over something completely illogical only to have them leap from being upset about that and then in the same breath say that "Dad doesn't love me...Dad doesn't like me." How many ways can you reassure your child that their Dad does love them and would do anything for them, when the one thing they want him to do he physically can not?

One night this week I was praying for the girls and their anguish that they feel, and felt overwhelmed as I realized that I, too, feel abandoned by Naki. Although very similar in the way abandonment feels, mine stems from a different cause. I have prayed and prayed fervently since Naki died to have my Spirit be open to his Spirit, so that I might have some kind of spiritual communication with him. By this I mean I've wanted to see him literally, as some have had experiences like that. Or even undoubtedly feel his presence in a room, as others have had experiences like that as well. I think it's obvious why I would want that experience. I miss him. 'Nuff said. And I feel abandoned by him because he doesn't fulfill this need of mine, when he's always fulfilled all of my needs since we've met. It's an extremely unfamiliar and awfully painful experience. I trust him with all of myself completely and he has never done or said anything to me to question that trust. As more and more time passes without any communication from him, I've thought a lot about my desire. I was reading an article written by Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I was struck still as I read words that immediately taught me an invaluable lesson.

"The scriptures teach us that faith comes by hearing the word of God. The word of God, which comes to us by scripture, by prophetic teaching, and by personal revelation, teaches us that we are children of God the Eternal Father. It teaches us about the identity and mission of Jesus Christ, His Only Begotten Son, our Savior and Redeemer. Founded on our knowledge of those things, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is a conviction and trust that God knows us and loves us and will hear our prayers and answer them with what is best for us.

Faith in the Lord is trust in the Lord. We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing. As a result, no matter how strong our faith is, it cannot produce a result contrary to the will of Him in whom we have faith. Remember that when your prayers do not seem to be answered in the way or at the time you desire. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord. When we have that kind of faith and trust in the Lord, we have true security and serenity in our lives."

I knew the moment I read those words that I needed to adjust how I was praying. I was so intent on the experience that I wanted that I wasn't showing trust in the Lord, and trusting that He knows what experiences are best for me. Will I someday have those spirit to spirit communications with Naki? Maybe. Is it right now? Apparently not. It doesn't just happen instantly, but I'm trying to trust in and have faith in the Lord and in Naki that they have not abandoned me. Just because I do not see, hear, or feel them physically near, does not mean that I should lose my trust and faith in both of them.

This being my own hero thing is without a doubt one of the most real, honest, raw, and fulfilling experiences. No one can bring me closer to the Savior but me. I must be the hero of my own life story.