Journaling....

I'm awake...I don't really want to be awake. These days I feel like I could just sleep forever. Almost like I have felt when I was pregnant. Just a different kind of fatigue. But this is the time of day that the girlies have always woken up and are still waking up, so I'm up. I've felt the need to post something for a while, but honestly do not know where I would begin. I think I might just skip the last week for now, and post things as they come to me. I received a blessing years and years ago that told me that I needed to keep a journal and that I should read it in times of discouragement and despondency. Although this isn't the traditional journal and it certainly isn't very private, for now I'll start in here. Naki always loves reading the posts that I write. In fact, if I haven't posted for a while, he lets me know. Apparently he checks, and often. I feel his influence strongly that keeping this going is important. So, I'll do my best.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My parents, brother, and Aunt left for the airport early in the morning. But they did not leave me stranded! They left me with one of the most competant and loving ladies, my sister Ginny. We spent the morning doing our usual morning type things. I can not wait to get routine back into the girls' lives. I think there are great benefits for kids having a routine...always have felt that way. I felt strongly that we should be in church this Sunday. However, our Primary program is today, and what with the crazy chaos of this past week, the girls havn't really had any practice with their Primary. So that meant that I needed to help them get to church on Saturday for the last practice and the pizza party afterwards. I am so proud of these girls. They are obviously struggling with many things right now. But with love and reassurance eventually they were all 4 (primary aged girlies) able to go and sit with their classes. While I was sitting there listening to all the kids, I was finally able to discover the word that adequately describes what I've been feeling lately. I had originally only been able to think of the word Sad, but it just didn't completely match my emotions. It came to me that what I'm actually feeling is disappointment. Acute disappointment. Over the past week I've had some amazing spiritual confirmations on the strength I have in the Lord and the tender mercies that have led up to this most difficult time for me and the girls. But it doesn't erase the fact that there are so many disappointments over expectations for my future experiences that are forever altered. I wonder when that feeling either lessens, which I doubt, or I'm given the strength to cope and combat those heart wrenching emotions.

We came home from the Primary practice and I was so glad that we had gone. Being involved with people socially has never really been my thing, but I'm channeling some Naki lately and am trying to follow his example in that part of my life.

After a much needed nap, which by the way I totally slept through my alarm to wake me up!, we all rushed around getting gear gathered, shoes on, blankets ready, and bottles pre-made for the BYU football game. Thanks to some work I think on my brother Matt Brousseau's part in talking with our family in the BYU football offices, we were able to get some tickets. For me, it wasn't about the actual game, although that is always a fun atmosphere to be in, win or lose. For me it was carrying on an activity that Naki would be doing if he were here. I don't know how that boy always manages it, but he always has a ticket to the games that he never has to purchase! So we had a great time eating in the alumni tent, visiting with Lavell, walking down onto the field, and being able to bow our heads in a moment of silence for our sweet Daddy as they flashed his picture on the replay screen. We eventually made it over to our seats which were perfect. The girls loved being there, but I have to admit, I think their favorite part was being able to eat food from the concessions while we watched. I had anticipated a difficult experience, as far as managing all the kids throughout the game, since not all of them would love watching the entire time. But because of all of my sisters helping me, it was fantastic. Mid-way through the game another batch of family departed for their homes in Idaho. How I'll miss the comfort of having them all near. But I'm grateful for the sacrifices that all have no doubt made on our behalf.

For today, my goal is to make it through church. Naki has always been the one to handle Ane throughout all 3 hours, so that will be new for me. Plus it is always difficult for me to see people's pitying glances. Different things, often unexpected, make me cry. For those of you reading this, remember that just because I'm crying doesn't mean I can't go on. It's one of those most unexpected experiences I've thus encountered...grieving. There are no written rules, just guidelines, left for those going though it to interpret for themselves.