My 'some day soon'

Eli said to me a while ago, "I wasn't ready for Dad to die, but I'm still okay". I must second that. I will never be ready to go on without him, but oddly enough, today I feel somewhat okay with our strange life. Not happy, not joyful, not cheerful, and not pleased, but just okay. Okay enough to wake up and start my body moving in the general direction I need to go to accomplish whatever it is that I have to do today. Okay enough to cry when I want to and to not cry when I don't have to. Okay enough to be around my siblings, in laws, and their spouses, even though I feel like the odd man out. Not great, but okay. I'd say that's a bit of progress.



We went for a walk up the Provo canyon a couple of weeks ago after church. Oh, what peace it brings to my spirit to be surrounded by nature. I don't really love camping, but I love nature. Just breathing in the air, walking at a leisurely pace, stopping and starting a million times as all the little pairs of feet around me set the pace for our stroll. It filled me up. I did, however, realize a future predicament as I stood and let them throw rocks in the river. How, in the heck, am I going to teach them anything athletic? I had a vivid image in my mind of when we went to St. George this past spring. We stopped at a dam with Naki's cousin, his wife, and their children. The wind was blowing a little crazy, but all the kids were searchng the ground for little rocks to throw in the water. I have pictures of Naki teaching the girls how to skip a rock, a skill I have never been able to master. I'm lucky the rock goes foward and doesn't somehow get released on my windup, going completely the wrong way. Sounds impossible, but it's been known to happen. I want them to love doing fun athletic things the way they did when their Dad was here to do it with them. I had a moment of panic while I watched them all throwing rocks into the Provo River because I realized I completely fall short in not only that department, but many others as well. The feeling quickly subsided when I realized that they have many athletic Uncles and Grandpas that will take care of that for me. I find myself in this position often. In The Book of Mormon we are taught that we can either choose to be humble, or we can be compelled to be humble. Needing other people to do things for me that I so wish I could do for myself always brings me to feel compelled to be humble. How I wish I could do so many of the things that the girls need on my own. But I am so blessed to have family and friends who want to and are completely capable of filling in where I fall short. Not only that, but I think the girls need the interaction that comes from the time spent with all those people that love them and their Dad so.



I was reading my sister-in-law's blog the other day, well, actually, it was probably more like a couple of weeks ago. She was writing about her husband, Naki's younger brother, and his wish for time to fly. I cannot tell you how much that put into words an emotion I'd been feeling and continue to feel but hadn't been able to verbalize. In no way do I want to miss out on all the amazing life experiences and memories yet to come into my life because of my children and their futures. But if it were possible I wish I could go to sleep tonight and when I wake up in the morning I would be an elderly woman who had lived my life and completed all I knew I should, and was done. I just want to be done. Done with this temporal life and moving onto my eternal future with my best friend. But, it is not to be. I cannot wish this time away, no matter how much I miss him. I feel badly admitting those feelings because by doing so I imagine it appears to some that I have more love for him than I do for others here still alive. Not so...I know it doesn't make sense to many of you. But if you have ever grieved a loss like this, I think you'd understand. I just want to be done. I sometimes wish I could unzip my skin and crawl out of it so I could escape all the pain. Again, it is not to be. My future plays out with such contradictions in my imagination. I know that logically it must be possible to have happines and joy in my life, but don't know how that's even remotely possible. I know I'll have joy in my kids, but what about personal joy for myself? Something to be happy about and look forward to... I don't see it happening any time soon. It must be enough to seek happiness for the girlies. That alone will suffice.



I've been wanting to tell all of my loving friends and family that I promise I'm not avoiding any one particular person, if in fact you've tried to reach me and have been unsuccessful. I can't adequately describe what a day in the life of Abby is like. I may hear my phone ringing but am consoling a child, or taking a much needed nap and so ignore it. I may or may not find the time to listen to the message you left me, and may or may not find the time to return your call. I get all of your emails, but by the time I've read them I no longer have time to respond. I love texting, but get half way through a text and am interrupted. Just know that I love all of you and feel strengthened when I hear your messages and read your loving emails and texts.



I mentioned in my last post how devastated I was Friday night. I was trying to express to my Bishop on Sunday morning what is hardest about all of this, and he chose the perfect word to describe it..."companionship". I mourn the loss of companionship, in all it's variations. In many ways I'm a very fortunate widow. My learning curve for temporal situations I find myself in is very minimal since I encountered those same situations before Naki died. It is the companionship I miss the most. It really stinks to come upstairs at night and not have him there to fill in on all the details of the day and the things the kids said or did, and what does he think I should do about such and such? His insights are greatly missed and are not replaceable. That's what sent me over the edge on Friday night was the loss of the companionship that I had expected to have at times that I will no longer have it. I was crying so hard that I literally could not breathe! Not a great combination, nor all that flattering. I have a basket beside my bed that I continue to pile things that I need to read for moments just like this. When I am so distraught the only thing that keeps me anchored is to read the words of the Savior and his prophets. I believe it was the same day Naki died, or maybe the day after, that a friend dropped off an envelope with these words written on the outside.



"Abby...When I read this in my religion class today I had a strong feeling that I needed to give it to you. Maybe not for today...but for some day soon. "

Inside was a printout of the talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I hadn't felt strong enough to read the words when they were given to me that day, and so placed it in my basket to read when it felt right. My 'some day soon' had definitely arrived. I opened it up and was astonished at how strongly I felt that the words I was reading had specifically been written for me at that precise moment of my life. I was in such despair, and hadn't been able to put a name to that emotion until I read his words. The talk is titled, "The Infinite Power of Hope". Naki's name, Amanaki, means 'Hope', and so reading his thoughts on hope held even powerful symbolism for me. One of the first paragraphs reads,



"...Perhaps today I could sit by your side and by the side of any who might feel discouraged, worried, or lonely. Today I would like to speak with you about the infinite power of hope."



I futher read, "Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence -when this desire of our heart is delayed - can make 'the heart sick'.



This touched me...my "Hope", Naki, fills my life with happiness. His absence has truly made my heart sick. As I read on I was struck by a certain part about my responsibility towards fixing the absence of hope in my life. He says,



"Hope is a gift of the Spirit. Is is a hope that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power of His Resurrection, we shall be raised unto life eternal and this because of our faith in the Savior. This kind of hope is both a principle of promise as well as a commandment, and, as with all commandments, we have the responsibility to make it an active part of our lives and overcome the temptation to lose hope. " At this point I realized that I had chosen to wallow in the feeling of losing hope. I didn't want to feel like there was any hope for me and my temporal future. This sentence sent a jolt of recognition through me that I needed to knock it off and overcome this temptation that stood in my way. Clearly I had stumbled, fallen, and decided to stay down over my feelings of no hope.



He proceeded to talk about the opposite of hope, which is despair. As he spoke of despair I was shocked to read those words and even more shocked to realize that they perfectly described my feelings that evening. Until then I hadn't realized that despair was the word that I was personifying. It was as if I'd found despair, crawled into it, and decided that since it felt the most comfortable out of all the other emotions I'd been living, that I'd stay there with it for as long as I pleased.



"The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward."



Whoa. That perfectly put into words what I was feeling right then. It shocked me at what my feelings looked like in the written word. I read that paragraph over and over and over. It took me a while to let the words sink into myself and for the realization to hit me that I really didn't like the way despair fit me. I read on...



"Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of... confusion and of fear."



"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance."



Ummm....yeah. Well, I was definitely not exuding any hope. I'd definitely dialed into despair and found I could wallow there pretty comfortably. And since then I find myself there again for a moment or two. But having read these words after experiencing such a personal tragedy I'll never be able to stay there for long. I'd never realized until at that moment how much Naki truly lived up to his name. He exudes hope.



"The things we hope for are often future events. If only we could look beyond the horizon of mortality into what awaits us beyond this life. Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father? Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we need not fear, for we will live forever, never to taste of death again." "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations."



"The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light...Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for our good' as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."



"There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope." "Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us."



The very end of the talk struck me so strongly. I realized that I had read exactly what the Lord had wanted me to read. It was in fact my 'some day soon' and I had learned so much. The final words of comfort read,

"And to all who suffer - to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely - I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.



Never surrender.



Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.



Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."




One thing I know, even when I do feel the overwhelming emotion called despair. I will never surrender.