Six Maile Chix

I've always been so unspeakably impressed and in awe whenever I'd hear of someone experiencing an unspeakable tragedy, and yet they still clung to their belief and faith in God. I am even now more impressed and in awe than I ever have been. After experiencing my own tragedy, the one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that God loves me, and that His Son, my Brother, knows my pain, knows my weaknesses, loves me immensely, has a bottomless amount of patience for me, and somehow manages to continue to carry me every day to a better place. This is no small miracle, I assure you. I have been to hell and back with a couple repeat visits lately, and sometimes I stay for a while. I have been confused as to why this is the path I have to walk, and as a parent myself I wonder how God can watch me, his child, endure so many daily difficulties and heartaches. My resentfullness, anger, bitterness, and offended spirit struggles on a daily basis to make it through this enormous somewhat seemingly insurmountable mountain of my life. I've yelled at God, talked to Him, pleaded with Him, ignored Him, begged Him, questioned Him, looked to Him, tried to understand Him, and mostly tried to make myself open to what He is trying to teach me. I do not say this lightly, when I say that I love Him. It is a loved hard earned, not easily understood on my part, and one that I have worked very very hard at developing. To me it is my own small miracle that throughout my immense sadness and hurt that I can say with peace and comfort that I know that I am loved and cared for by them. Do I agree with their methods? Maybe not, and maybe admitting that makes me a fool. Do I hope to someday understand their methods? Absolutely. Do I wish Naki was here to explain them to me like he always had? More than I can express. But perhaps that is a small portion of what this is all about...my own journey towards my Father and Brother. A journey that I continue to make one step at a time, with many tears and many friends helping me along the way.

I have struggled so much over the last three months. I wish it hadn't been so, but it has and I'm trying to make my way to the surface of it. I've truly been drowning for many many weeks, although I've desperately attempted to fake my way to the surface. Faking doesn't work. I just get sucked down deeper and deeper, hoping for a breath of air to sustain me. I've received some much needed gulps of air from some unexpected sources this week, and they were such a relief that I cried from knowing their ultimate source.

It seems so contradictory to feel so sad and distraught and yet be able to say that I know I am an incredibly blessed person in the same breath. But it is the truth.