Clear Communication

I was laying in bed the other night feeling things that are hard for me to explain in words. I can only try and explain by using words that I've already used before. I lay there and felt such an intense craving to be anywhere but where I was, doing and experiencing anything but what I am. I wanted to escape in anyway possible, but knew and know that there isn't a way. At least, not any that I'm comfortable with. The desire to be out of my skin, my body, my temporal existance was so strong. I lay there and prayed for this experience to go away. I want to not feel this way anymore. I just want to be done...can't I please just be done? And I had the most direct and undisguised communication from my Heavenly Father on the topic. Some may ask, 'How do you know it was from Him?'. To that question I say that I have learned through the years the way that God communicates with me. Or, I guess I should say, I've learned the way that I recognize when He's communicating with me. Certainly He communicates with us all constantly. It's just what we're able to recognize. I've discovered that I can absolutely distinguish His communicating with me at times in my life when I have a certain focus, or thoughts, that are unwavering and are fixated on one particular point of view. In this instance, my desire to be finished with this particular trial. I acknowledge and welcome His teaching me in these moments. He does so by helping my mind to see new angles to my point of view or by giving me ideas, solutions, or insights that my mind on it's own may not have discovered. That night, Heavenly Father let me know that Yes, if I wanted it that badly, that I could in fact be finished. He could make that possible. But to be aware of the consequences of such a decision. My aspirations for my eternal life with my family is just that...eternal life with my family...all of these munchkins. By skipping out early I was compromising those hopes and wishes. My ideal image when I picture all of us together is like it was before he died... We all love one another, we love God, we strive diligently to make faithful choices, and we just thirst for being with each other. Were He to grant me this desire, I would in fact be jeopardizing the very thing that I wanted to escape to. It was a lightbulb moment for me. Was I willing to give it all up just to escape this temporary torment? The answer was clear. No. Never. Absolutely Not. Not an option. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it's one more insight that can help balance out all the negative that I feel.