It's really late, and I absolutely should be in bed right now. But it seems that if I don't write what's going on in my head, then I never will. Time just keeps flying by, and I haven't figured out when I'll ever get to make sense of my thoughts through writing them out. Now feels like the right time.
Since I can remember, I have always felt that I never had very many friends. I would say that I had many many many acquaintances, but very few friends. In order for someone to be my friend, that would mean that I trusted them with all of myself..that they would like me for the complete me. The only way someone could know me completely would be if I showed them entirely who I was, which has very rarely happened. It is extremely hard for me to socialize with others and open up about myself. Many of you probably think I'm making this up, but I swear I'm not! Social situations make me crazy...I'd rather be at home, curled up with a blanket and a good book, and avoid people if possible. Naki is the absolute opposite. Although he loves his quiet down time, I can recall all too well the many times he'd want to run to some event or another that someone he knew was involved in. Or how many times we've had the discussion that he wanted to go to a social event and I just wanted to stay home. He has always been able to help us as a couple find the balance of being social and being private. He helped me learn that pushing myself through those situations that give me so much anxiety allows me to grow and learn more about myself.
Since Naki died there have been more instances than I can count when I have felt alone. Truly, absolutely, and completely alone, despite being surrounded by people that love us. These kind people would ask me if there was anything they could do, anything they could give, if there was any way they could help. I surprised myself by more often than not letting them know what I needed, mostly because trying to do it all and being it all was absolutely not a possibility. But despite accepting others' offers of help and love, I felt uncomfortable about it, indebted, frustrated for needing help, and annoyed that I couldn't make things work on my own somehow. But mostly I felt that I was inconveniencing them, making their lives more complicated in some way, and that was hard for me to swallow. I truly love all those that help me, but I just had a hard time feeling that the love they showed by serving us did not equal any level of my ability to feel socially comfortable with them. I just now, as I'm writing this, put two and two together and realized what it was that was difficult for me. To me it seemed that by putting myself out there and showing them how much I loved and appreciated them that it was in fact placing myself in a position to be hurt. No one can hurt you if they don't have any part of me to hurt. By giving them my heart, I felt vulnerable and scared of having my love and respect for them somehow mistreated and disrespected.
Saying that aloud just sounds silly. It really does, especially knowing all the people that have given so selflessly to us, over and over. Logically I know that they wouldn't do that to us, but my heart didn't know it for some time. This unexpected situation that I've found myself in over the past two months has taught me more about myself than I would have originally expected. It's also helped me to see something that Naki has always known. I only wish that I too, could have known it when he was alive. He's known all along what I'm just now learning. Unlike myself, Naki has many many many friends and very few acquaintances. He gives his heart so easily to those he calls "friend". I know that is why he has so very many of them.
The lesson I've learned is that I need to be more like Naki. I need to be willing to give my heart to those around me, without worrying about it being thrown back in my face, unappreciated or disrespected. By not letting many of my "acquaintances" be my "friends", I have not allowed my Heavenly Father to bless me the way He so badly wants to. Only He knows how deeply my heart has hurt recently as I've wanted to be loved and respected the way I deserve. All around me have been my friends, waiting in the wings, doing what they've always done, loving, as I've been oblivious to what was right in front of my face. I'm just now learning that your family is not only made up by those you are related to. God has given me the most amazing family of friends.
These photos are of me and the girls up Provo Canyon with some of our newest "friends", acquaintances of mine until my recent realizations. Nothing they do now is different than what they've ever done. They've always loved us, I've just been unable to accept it without my fears accompanying it. They drove us up the Canyon to show us one of their favorite spots, which is now one of our favorite spots! The girls are absolutely addicted to going up there and finding some trail to hike on. We've been up there now three weekends in a row. We'll all be disappointed when it gets too cold to enjoy it, but for now we're loving it. Almost as much as we love all of our dear dear friends.
