Hide

Tonight I just want to hide. From everything. Having so many things that require my attention is perfect because it really does keep my mind occupied. Keeping busy is good. And by things I don't mean my kids necessarily, but all that comes with that...school schedules, field trips, birthday parties (times 3 this week), dance classes, workouts, family relationships, summer clothes shopping, groceries, a broken fridge, cleaning up after said birthday parties, dirty laundry or more specifically a lack of clean underwear due to all the dirty laundry, etc etc. Looking over that list it differs not a bit from any other parents' list that I know of. However, I feel that for me, only in comparison to me pre-widow days, on the days when there is nothing more that I'd rather do than crawl in a hole, or for more comfortable purposes, my bed, and stay there for an indefinite period of time, it seems I have to just keep pushing through the pain...just keep pushing through the pain...just keep pushing through the pain. I want these days for the girls to be days they can look back on with good memories despite the pain they were experiencing. And that keeps me going. I am so glad that we were able to celebrate Naki's birthday yesterday. And I feel so glad that Line had a great birthday celebration today. But now, having survived such an emotionally draining two days, I just want to burrow under my heavenly new bedding and stay there until I feel like coming out. That, sadly, will never happen. Church comes bright and early at 8:30 tomorrow. And the only way to get there smoothly is for me to rise bright and early by 6:00.

I'm frustrated with myself tonight. I feel so discontent, and it feels uncomfortable and awkward. I feel like a puzzle that is always missing pieces. I was trying to explain how I felt to Ginny earlier tonight, and had a realization about myself that I don't care for. I discovered that there are very few times in my life where I've allowed myself to feel pleased or peaceful with my current recipe, no matter what the ingredients are. Was I happy during high school? No. I always wished I could find a boy that I truly liked, not to mention I didn't even know who I was yet. Was I completely happy when I was engaged? No...because I allowed myself to be weighed down by the burdens of finances and the unknown of where we'd live or how we'd support ourselves or what any of our future held. Was I peaceful during our entire marriage? No. I was constantly battling hormones due to 6 pregnancies in 8 1/2 years, or stressing about finances again. I think the only time I've truly allowed myself peace was when Naki and I were dating before we left on our missions, and on our wedding day. Other than that, I've always allowed the feelings that came from those things that were unresolved or unanswered to overcome any positive feelings that came from any blessings the Lord has seen fit to give me.

Right now feels the worst, in regards to the negative feelings outweighing my positive feelings that come from all my many blessings. I must give myself credit where credit is due, however. At least I'm finally at a point in my grieving where I can honestly see blessings in my life besides my children, and not admit to knowing them while rolling my eyes. I earnestly see all that I am blessed with, and yet I am discontent.

My thoughts bring me to a verse in the Book of Mormon. I just put my computer aside to look for the exact chapter and verse where this scripture I'm thinking of is located, and couldn't find it. Instead, I opened immediately to this verse.

Alma 34:41 But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.

That verse so perfectly describes how I function every day. I am only able to be in places and situations that honestly make me want to just scream "I don't want to be doing this!" because I have a huge huge hope for the day when the girls and I can rest from this awful affliction. However, screaming outloud gets me no where fast, and I know because I've tried it, darn it.

Only after I read that verse did I find the one I was searching for. It's a couple of chapters before the other one I'd read.

Alma 29:1 and 3 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart...but behold, I am a (wo)man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

I have a feeling this kind of character flaw doesn't go away easily, especially since I've refined and polished it so very well over the years. I've tried to figure out how to change this part of myself, and although I have a couple of ideas, I'm open to suggestions.