Just another Musing Monday

I, or should I say we, made it through another day without Daddy. I'm pleasantly surprised at the things we accomplished today, because of how unsure I was about this day when it started. I decided after the funeral was over that it was time to get the kids back in school and time to get some routine and consistency back into our lives...I believe I mentioned the routine in an earlier post. So we woke this morning, much to my chagrin, back at 6:00 and got the morning rolling with scripture study. We got out the door on time, but had to turn around twice before we actually "left". First it was to return and get Lose's special necklace that has a picture of the girls and Naki on it. She was desperate to wear it to school. At first I wanted to have them only wear it on special occasions but then decided that if they wanted to feel that they were closer to him just by having a picture of him close by, then so be it. I'll keep buying more and more necklaces if they get lost or broken. The second time we turned around it was because Line forgot one of his sweatshirts that she wanted to wear to school. Technically, I guess she didn't forget. But when we dropped the little girls off at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house she saw Malia wearing one and was just had to wear one as well. So back home we went. Some of the school aged girls were chomping at the bit to get back and be involved and busy. Others had trepidation that someone would want to talk to them about what had happened, and didn't really feel ready. I was thrilled to find that when I picked them up from school that all had gone well. Line's teacher, I know I mentioned before in another post, is the wife of the man that baptized my parents. She and her husband have been over to the house many times over the past week and a half to talk and help in any way that they could. She let the girls come and eat lunch with her today, and Lose informed me that she told her that she could come to her room to cry in private any time she wished...apparently Lose was sharing with her that I had told them that there is no need to hide their tears if they feel like crying. I've also told them that it's okay to be sad and not have tears...you don't have to cry to show sorrow. So, *whew*. One day down, and the rest to go.

I think it was good for the little ones to be back with their Maile family in the morning while I was at the gym. Dad Maile told me that Ane couldn't stop staring at him or following him around wherever he went, which was unusal for her. It must have felt good to see a loving brown face...I miss that, too, Ane. As for me, at least I can say I went to the gym. I know myself well enough to know that it's important for my well being in all areas to get those endorphins movin' around, or released, or whatever it is they do when you work out. I just felt better knowing that I had done it, and know that Naki is proud of me for doing something that I truly haven't yet learned to enjoy.

After the gym, I headed over to the wonder of a place...a shopping center that was genious enough to put Ross, TJ Maxx, and Old Navy all together, right in a row on the same sidewalk. I had returns to take in all three stores from the day before Naki died. I knew I needed to do it, but wondered at how it would play out. I haven't shared much on here yet about how the girls are doing individually, and I don't know how much I will include. To me it is somewhat of a private journey, and respect their own healing, but at the same time feel like it would be beneficial to those around them to know what their needs are and if anything, to have some understanding into what's going on in their difficult yet marvelous lives. But I will say that Eva is currently giving me a run for my money in all parenting departments. She is purposefully belligerent and likes to find "opposition in all things", so to speak. She is quite emotional, and has high and low spikes between happy and horrible moments. Wow...I think I just described myself! I can just hear Naki saying, "Who is she named after?". Needless to say, it was an interesting shopping experience. She didn't want to go anywhere I was going, and she would just run in the opposite direction when I called her name. Truthfully, I didn't need to go to the gym afterall because I was carrying Ane, my returns, trying to keep Eli in sight, and chasing down Eva in every store. When I'd finally catch her, she'd go limp, lay prostrate in the middle of the store, and proclaim loudly, "I'm too seepy...I'm going to seep." Yeah...real fun. But we did it. Sometimes I confuse myself because I don't want like I said before, the pitying glances, but in some situations I'd just like to proclaim to everyone around by maybe me or the girls wearing a sign or something that stated, "Widow in mourning", or "This child just lost her father", or "I really am a good parent" while my child stands on the little platform in Old Navy posing with, or hugging all of the manequins and refusing to get down while she knows I can't possibly squeeze between all of them without toppling all of them over to get to her. But after all of that growth-promoting time at the stores I was lucky and blessed enough to come home to a spit-spot tidy home, freshly polished, bathrooms cleaned, garage organized, carpets with vacuum lines in them, and lunch waiting for me and the kids. What would I do without my Dad here...sorry Mom, but I don't think you're getting him back anytime soon. He is marvelous.

The next challenge for the day came after the girlies came home from school. We have a October tradition that we've done as a family ever since Line was teeny tiny. We drive over to Santaquin and go to The Red Barn where we get to chugg-along on a used-to-be-hay-ride now a tractor ride out to the pumpkin patch and the kiddos get to pick out their own pumpkins. Just a couple days before Naki died he and I had planned on doing this today. He'd even promised the girls that they could get these doughnuts that they make there that we stumbled upon last year. They're covered in granulated sugar, and smell like Fall Heaven with yummy spices and pumpkin love. So, Grandfather, the girlies, and I headed on over. And you know what? We did it...and it was surprisingly, at least for me in the moment, without tears. I think it's because doing something like that doesn't leave a lot of time for retrospective pondering...you're just too busy hollering at Lose to back up from the barbed wire fence where the horses bordered the pumpkin patch, or trying to catch Eli when she tripped on one of the water irrigation hoses and fell face first in the dirt and dried pumpkin vines, or trying to stop Eva from throwing the rocks up in the air behind her that she already swore she was sorry for but still kept sneaking around doing. She only actually hit one person with a rock, and it was one of her own sisters. Maybe after all Mom, you might get Dad back sooner than later...it gets pretty tricky and crazy around here. I'm pretty sure that throughout the day at least one person is in tears...

Between Dad and I we successfully did both dinner and baths...it was time to tackle Family Home Evening. At one point I told the girls that I didn't care if I had to yell over all the different periods of crying...usually it's one person first. Then they stop and someone else starts, etc. etc. But I told them I didn't care if I had to speak REALLY loudly, that we were going to have FHE and we were going to get blessed just for the effort of doing it. But we actually had a sweet lesson. It was the first time everyone was peaceful all at the same time...even if it was for just a couple of minutes. It felt marvelous and good. And the biggest miracle came at the very end of the day...

No One Cried Themself To Sleep!!!

This is a huge first for our house. No one needed me to stay by their bed as they cried about missing their dad. It seems that this time of day brings out the most tears. They all managed to stay in their bed, or at least when they were told to get back in their bed Niagra Falls didn't start flowing. Thus, I have to time to post.

I'm sure I'll feel like this a lot...shock that we actually made it through an entire day without Dad, and I'm even more sure that it won't feel like shock some day but will be normal. But for now, I feel so loved and lifted by my Father in Heaven that I can put my head on my pillow tonight and feel relief that I made it through yet one more day without my best friend to talk to about it.