A little bit of Caroling love from our family to yours...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Bread and Turkey
A friend asked me last night if I experience guilt as part of this grieving experience. And my answer was a resounding "Yes!", for more things than you can even imagine.
One of the areas in which I experience guilt is in the way I was socially while Naki was alive. I know I've already written about it before in a separate entry, but being social is not my thing, and it IS Naki's thing. As a result there were many times when Naki would have preferred to be out, as a family, socializing and getting together with his friends and family, but knew how difficult it was for me to do, so didn't. Don't get me wrong...he wasn't some tortured individual that lived unfulfilled because I held him back. There were many many times when I knew something was important to him to be involved in and so I'd go along with it as a supportive friend and wife. But I do know that he would've done more of that sort of thing if I'd been game for it. Only now, as I've been forced to be the mouthpiece for our family and have been pushed and shoved to be social in a way that I've never been comfortable doing, do I see the benefits that he'd realized all along. No one knows better than God and I how I wish I could change that, and experience what I'm learning now with Naki by my side instead of... not.
The girlies' Uncle Isaac is one of those benefits. He and Naki played football together at BYU, and since Naki died he and his wife have been some of the friends to us that I didn't know we had all along. Isaac has made it a priority to stop in and stay for a while, allowing the kids to crawl all over him, balance on his outstretched legs as he lays on the floor on his back, lifting them upside down by their feet to help them "walk on the ceiling", being willing to break a sweat every time he's here. At first I was horrified by their behavior, asking them after he'd leave if they couldn't just sit and visit with him. But in therapy I learned that having a male figure to wrestle with and roughplay with was a vital and necessary part of their development that without Naki would be left undone. Daddy was forever wrestling with the girls, playing on the floor with them, giving horsie rides to them, etc etc, and they all miss that terribly. Isaac is more than willing to let them do it, the girls are extra willing to do it, but I had to relax and let both parties enjoy themselves. They just can't get enough of their Uncle Isaac. And to top it all off, he bakes the best homemade bread which he lovingly delivers when he comes. And it shouldn't be left unsaid that Erin, his sweet wife, gives us that opportunity of having him over here by shouldering all that a strong Mother does when their husband isn't home. Thanks to both of you for what you provide to the girls.
These other pics are from the girls' school activity, the Turkey Trot. Every Thanksgiving the school holds a race for each grade by gender. The winner of each race takes home a turkey, and the 2nd and 3rd place winners in the past received a candy bar and this year won a school water bottle. May I humbly say that we have four of those water bottles being used around our house! The girls all had a great time, well, maybe except Line who REALLY wants to win 1st some day. :) And I was lucky enough to get to hang around outside watching all of the races, since the teacher I work with at the school was willing to let me do so. Hopefully next year they won't decide to do the same kind of race for all the employees...yikes, that has potential embarassment written all over it. Great job, girls!
One of the areas in which I experience guilt is in the way I was socially while Naki was alive. I know I've already written about it before in a separate entry, but being social is not my thing, and it IS Naki's thing. As a result there were many times when Naki would have preferred to be out, as a family, socializing and getting together with his friends and family, but knew how difficult it was for me to do, so didn't. Don't get me wrong...he wasn't some tortured individual that lived unfulfilled because I held him back. There were many many times when I knew something was important to him to be involved in and so I'd go along with it as a supportive friend and wife. But I do know that he would've done more of that sort of thing if I'd been game for it. Only now, as I've been forced to be the mouthpiece for our family and have been pushed and shoved to be social in a way that I've never been comfortable doing, do I see the benefits that he'd realized all along. No one knows better than God and I how I wish I could change that, and experience what I'm learning now with Naki by my side instead of... not.
The girlies' Uncle Isaac is one of those benefits. He and Naki played football together at BYU, and since Naki died he and his wife have been some of the friends to us that I didn't know we had all along. Isaac has made it a priority to stop in and stay for a while, allowing the kids to crawl all over him, balance on his outstretched legs as he lays on the floor on his back, lifting them upside down by their feet to help them "walk on the ceiling", being willing to break a sweat every time he's here. At first I was horrified by their behavior, asking them after he'd leave if they couldn't just sit and visit with him. But in therapy I learned that having a male figure to wrestle with and roughplay with was a vital and necessary part of their development that without Naki would be left undone. Daddy was forever wrestling with the girls, playing on the floor with them, giving horsie rides to them, etc etc, and they all miss that terribly. Isaac is more than willing to let them do it, the girls are extra willing to do it, but I had to relax and let both parties enjoy themselves. They just can't get enough of their Uncle Isaac. And to top it all off, he bakes the best homemade bread which he lovingly delivers when he comes. And it shouldn't be left unsaid that Erin, his sweet wife, gives us that opportunity of having him over here by shouldering all that a strong Mother does when their husband isn't home. Thanks to both of you for what you provide to the girls.
These other pics are from the girls' school activity, the Turkey Trot. Every Thanksgiving the school holds a race for each grade by gender. The winner of each race takes home a turkey, and the 2nd and 3rd place winners in the past received a candy bar and this year won a school water bottle. May I humbly say that we have four of those water bottles being used around our house! The girls all had a great time, well, maybe except Line who REALLY wants to win 1st some day. :) And I was lucky enough to get to hang around outside watching all of the races, since the teacher I work with at the school was willing to let me do so. Hopefully next year they won't decide to do the same kind of race for all the employees...yikes, that has potential embarassment written all over it. Great job, girls!
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