Happy Birthday Dad

It's Naki's birthday today. I've thought a lot about this day, knowing that it is one of those things that will be coming around once a year as a reminder of him. What exactly does one do on a deceased loved one's birthday? Everyone has their own ideas and I've heard several. I've picked a couple of things to do, and realize that as time passes the girls' desire to do those same things may change, and that it is important for me to be open to the promptings I receive as to what they need. Today it's quite cold, windy, and rainy outside, so spending some time up at his grave is once again going to be quick and speedy. I asked the girls to either draw Dad a picture, write him a note, or in Lose's case, a knock knock joke to take up to his grave. Lose didn't want to participate at first, and after some discussion confessed that if she wrote Dad a note she would cry, and then she would cry so loud that it would wake up her napping sisters, and then I would get mad at her. I reassured her that I would not get mad at her for crying, and then asked her if there was anything else that she could think of that Dad would like to hear from her. And that is where the idea for the knock knock joke came from. Eli was somewhat confused at the idea of leaving things at Dad's grave that he'll never get, and after some discussion with her we concluded together that it is nice to do something to remember Dad, and that someday she'll be able to talk to him about all the different ways she tried to remember him and show her love for him.

Does this ever get any easier? Last night I was talking to Eva about the fact that Dad's birthday was going to be the next day...she lit up and thought that meant that he would be returning today. It is so difficult to have to retell her over and over that he will stay dead for an indefinite amount of time, until the Second Coming. Her therapist tells me that for children at that age it feels like abandonment...the last thing Naki would willingly do to his family. I just keep trying to reassure her of how much her Dad loves her, and pray that eventually the Spirit will bring peace to her soul.

As I've contemplated this day, I wondered if it was appropriate to keep adding years to his age, in other words, saying for this year, "Happy what-would-have-been 33rd Birthday!". I've decided against it. He never will be that age, and it seems harsh and painful to give a constant reminder of what would have been. Instead, we're going with plain old "Happy Birthday". We are getting a cake and will be getting together with our beloved Maile Family this evening...always a balm to mine and the girlies' souls.

I got to spend the majority of today with Line on a field trip. It was wonderful, and I know that spending time with her is just what Naki would've loved to do on his birthday if he were still alive.

This morning after I dropped the little girlies off at Grandpa and Grandma Maile's house I was driving home and talking to Heavenly Father on the way. I realized that I was especially teary, and made the discovery that it's not helpful to my already sensitive tear ducts to have incredibly moving soundtrack music (in this case, the music from the movie Australia) playing in the background. No one needs their very own prayer soundtrack. I got a good laugh at myself, turned off the music, and felt a little more emotionally stable.

Babe, I miss you! Please continue to give me strength to do alone what we had planned to do together. I still don't feel you near. But I believe that someday when we are together again it will become so clear to me the times you were close. Either I'll have huge realizations or you'll oh-so-gently tell me what I'd missed all along. :) Happy Birthday.