Enjoying vs. Enduring

One of our home teachers left for his mission today. (Woo-Hoo!!! Go Wyatt!) He spoke in church this past Sunday about having faith in trials, and did a phenomenal job. Really. I wish you all could have heard it. He read a quote that I actually heard, since I only actually get to hear about 5% of what's being said while the other 95% of what I hear is Eva complaining about having to sit with us and not being able to just walk around the chapel, or arguing with me about keeping her clothes on, or stating very very loudly that she just wants to go home, or Ane fussing with extreme discontent at pretty much all the same things, and all the other girls arguing about whether or not they were able to sit beside me last week, when are they EVER going to get to sit by me, and then when told it's not their turn listening to them pout, kick the pew, throw the hymnals on the floor, keep their clothes on, and also state very loudly that they just want to go home. Yeah, church is pretty much a blast, I'd say. So the fact that there was something said that I actually heard and remembered means quite a bit. I couldn't remember the exact quote, but knew that the gist of it spoke about life not just being something to endure, but something to actually enjoy. Tonight I was going to sit down and try to find it, but first sat to update myself on other's blogs. Coincidentally, or not, I found it posted on my dear friend's blog. It's by Gordon B. Hinckley, and it reads,



"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."



Is this really possible? I haven't been able to stop thinking about these two words, enjoy and endure, since Sunday morning. Do I find myself having fun and laughing since Naki died? Yes, of course. I have crazies surrounding me that provide those moments, even when some of them are painful-filled laughter...when Ane thinks she's such a big girl in her new car seat, calling out my name as we drive down the road over and over again so I'll look in the rear view mirror at her. Yes, I laugh. But I feel equal parts laughter and pain, as I think that Naki is missing this! I'm missing sharing this with him. And she's missing calling out his name to show off to him. Pain...when I hear her use his name for all different things, and not him anymore. Laughing? Fun? Yes, I have those moments. But I endure through all of them, and don't enjoy them. How do you get past the enduring and on to the enjoying? I want to be there so badly, but so far the only way I feel joy in those moments is to forget Naki. How could I do that? When Ane was calling out to me from the back of the car I had to push those thoughts of him out of my mind. That has to be some of the worst feelings thus far in this process. Survival means forgetting him. If in every one of those situations I thought of him I would be a inconsolable basket case. I would never feel calm, since thinking of him is a constant reminder that I don't have him with me. In order to be able to function, to breathe, to make decisions, to sleep, to eat, to not be a menace to society and all of our friends, I have to realign my identity as me...just me. And also my identity as one parent alone instead of one of two parents...part of a team. I look at them when they do things and think of them and me, not them and us. When I find myself thinking about him is when I find myself the most short tempered, the most moody, the most irritable, the most weepy, the most sleepless, the most robotic. And so I've cancelled the channel that plays Naki 24 hours a day. How could this be right? I am him, and he is me. We are one. By pushing him out of my thoughts I feel better for a period of time, but ultimately crash, feeling lost and solo. Enjoying? Hah. How could one be expected to enjoy any of this? That I don't understand. What I DO understand is guilt. Guilt and I are great friends. Companions, it and I. Guilt for feeding the kids cold cereal for dinner because I don't have the energy to do more. Guilt for knowing they need a bath but putting them to bed without one anyway because it's more than I'm capable of...I'll do it in the morning after what's hopefully a restful evening. Guilt because I do better NOT thinking of him than thinking of him. Guilt for being short tempered with the girls for no good reason. Guilt for becoming so easily frustrated at what others say that unknowingly hurts. Guilt for forgetting my sisters' birthdays. (I just realized I forgot them...) Guilt for feeling so bitter. Guilt for feeling so tricked about life, now that I know how life really is. Guilt for too many things to list. Any suggestions on how to get past the enduring and onward to the enjoying? I'm a bit of a pessimist, and must admit that my future looms gloomily ahead of me, and yet I want so badly to feel a glimmer of hope.