Outpouring of Love

I had the strangest thing happen to me today. The kitchen really is making significant progress. We are eating in there now, but their was a miscommunication somewhere about the height of the bar counter and the matching height of the stools used at the counter, resulting in too short of stools. So until the new ones get here (thank you for working so hard to get the right ones here, Mom) the girls literally stand on their stool to eat at the counter. This makes for lots of food mishaps. I saw the need, or in other words I saw the food on the floor after every meal that looks like there was a food fight when my back was turned, and immediately went out and got a nifty contraption to make cleaning the floors quick, easy, and actually enjoyable. Nothing like a fanTAStic vacuum to get my blood pumpin'. Seriously, is there anything better than clean floors? Well, okay. Obviously there is, but these days I'll take anything.

Part of the kitchen design included a must-have, at least in my world. A television in the kitchen. Now I know that there are many of you TV sensitive folks out there. But I love having the kids clean up their mess and then come sit down in the kitchen and just sit there peacefully and quietly while I get the meal ready. Well mostly quiet, if you don't include Ane screaching at me the entire time. That way when it's time to eat I click it off, the house is tidy around me, and we can sit and visit while we eat. Satisfaction for everyone... Since we're using that space I decided it was time to go and shop for the TV that would fit in the new cupboards. (I still use the word 'cupboards' instead of the fancy designer kitchen type word 'cabinets'. Same thing, right?) The reason I hadn't done this so far is because shopping for those kinds of things just isn't very much fun without Naki. We dreamed for so long of being able to someday own such nice things, and it seems so unfulfilling to have to go get it by myself and consequently enjoy it by myself. I also needed a cable box for this TV, and knew that meant going down to the Comcast building and picking one up. This I also dreaded because electronics just isn't my thing. I try to make it my thing, but after broken cameras, movies that I just can't get to work, not successfully programming the radio stations in the car, being unable to figure out why something on the computer isn't working, and becoming easily confused when trying to pick out a new cell phone, I just conceded to the Electronics God and handed all such things over to Naki. I hope and pray every day I go to turn the TV on that it actually works. I am so screwed if there is ever a problem. I know that I could always call someone to come and help the poor widdle widow, but that gets old guys. Real fast. I'm too independent to keep that up for long. As I walked the dreaded steps into the Comcast building with the two babies along I crossed my spiritual fingers, which aren't very strong these days, and wished, or prayed in spiritual lingo, that this would all go well and it would go fast. We had just come from Eva's therapy session, and she's always a bit of a loose cannon after those.

After explaining to my newest and dear Comcast confidant (you know who you are YaYa!) what I was looking for, and what kind of budget I was on, she got me all set up with the right box for the job. At the end, she asked me if I knew how to set it up. Now, a bit of background here. When we went to Home Depot to get our Christmas tree this year, I told the young man helping us that my husband had died and we were on our first pick-out-the-tree outing without him, and I would need help getting it on top of the car and tied down. He was so gracious...he'd lost his mother at a young age just like the girlies, and was so sweet and generous with us that day. On the way home, Line asked me why I tell everyone that Dad died. I told her and all the other girls that it's not necessary to use that information to make people help you...you don't find me at the store paying, or at the gym when I hand my gym pass to the desk attendant, or when I meet someone new from their school, telling everyone I encounter there that my husband died. But I was smart enough to realize that there are going to be some situations I find mysef in that I know I will fall short and will not succeed because I just don't have the knowledge or ability that Naki would have had in that same situation. At that point I inform those involved that I need help! There is nothing wrong with that and so I use it only when I feel it's necessary and appropriate. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea, that we could use the fact that our Dad died to get others to be nice to us or to help us. Instead it's a way to admit your shortcomings and to admit that you can't do something alone. Today I told my Comcast helper that information because I was hopeful that she would understand my plight and therefore instruct me thoroughly on how to set it all up. Immediately after I told her that Naki'd died, imagine my shock when she said, "I know. I read your blog."! I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the counter where I was standing and stayed there for several seconds, because she got teary and said, "I've been debating whether or not to tell you but didn't want to seem like a stalker!". I snapped out of my shock and started to laugh/cry, because really, my spiritual fingers these days really do need strengthening, and I knew that this was no coincidence that when I finally got the courage to go and do this electronically-intimidating task that made me miss Naki so terribly, who was there but someone who knew my pain and cared for me and mine...she didn't bat an eye the whole time while Eva jumped up and down on the lobby couch, or when Ane turned the lobby TV on REALLY loud, or when Eva tackled Ane and then sat on her back saying "Heeyah, heeyah, Horsie..." to which Ane shrieked in desperation, etc etc. Others looked somewhat pained, but not her. Now I knew why...she knew us. What a comfort. After I was able to process that, she sweetly said to me, "How's your head?", which made me just laugh. I walked out of Comcast today feeling a eensy bit lighter on my feet, if just for a minute. It was the highlight of my day.

There is so much that I want to write about. When Naki first died any time I had a thought I'd jot it down in a little notebook I carry in my purse. I have fallen out of that habit, and regret it. Now I spend way too much time writing in my head, and then by the time I actually get to sit down at night I've forgotten what it was I was writing about. But one thing I could never forget that I wanted to write about is the graciousness and generosity of family, friends and strangers alike.

I jokingly said to my dearest friend today on the phone that I really scored, having my husband die so close to Christmas. (You'll have to pardon my morbid sense of humor...it's either laugh about something and make light of it or fall apart in wrenching sobs. Trust me, the first one is the better of the two.) After being on the receiving end of so much generosity at this precious time of year I almost feel unworthy. If all of you could have seen the girls' faces every time something was given to us, you would have known for sure that your gifts were appreciated and made them feel completely loved. They feel everyone's consideration for their awful situation so easily now it's almost humorous. Every time they see someone crying or sad, whether at church during testimony meeting, or a child at school who's fallen, or even a little newborn baby crying, the little ones will say to me, "Oh Mom...they're so sad because they know our Dad died". Because so many people have offered their love and have grieved along side us so generously, they now believe that it must be the main source of anyone's sorrow. Every time they say something like that it makes me smile, not only because they're so cute in their assumption, but because it brings a smile to me at a time that I don't feel like smiling, knowing that so many of you try so hard to love us. I've tried to make a list in my head, and as a result know that I'll miss someone, but it's been so plentiful that I can hardly keep track. I just wanted all of you to know that I am aware of all of your sweet actions and gifts to our family, even those that I don't know who they came from. The other day when it snowed on and off for the whole day we had 4 or 5 different people come to the house at different times to shovel. Someone put my trash can out on the curb last week on trash day when I forgot. My dentist let me bring all of the girls for their annual cleaning and me for an emergency root canal when he knew I had no insurance coverage. My home teachers put up my exterior christmas lights because no one wanted me to fall off the roof, even though I put them on every year. Neighbors AND the guy installing the cabinets combined their efforts to help me get unstuck out of the snow bank across from my house. The girls' Elementary School and their thoughtful gifts. The BYU athletic department secret santa'd us for 12 days and made every night enjoyable as we looked forward to what they would bring, including Cosmo and the Cheerleaders at Malia's birthday party and a special spa morning with the Cougarettes. We were given the 12 days of christmas with a new Nativity piece every night. People were generous, so generous, in giving us toys, crafts, framed artwork, and gift cards to ensure we had a good Christmas. There are sisters in my ward who work together once a week to bring us dinner, and our dear dear friends the Herrings who also bring us dinner once a week...such a relief to me week after week. The Sunday Secret Santa, who when we would arrive home from church would have left something on our porch wrapped for the girls. The sister in my ward who had a basket delivered to me filled with fantastic indulgences, one of which was my new favorite red slipper socks. Orem City's Water Facility employees, who donated a much needed gift card. The gentleman who's wife died a couple years earlier who donated Christmas dinner. One of our Florida Uncle's place of work provided the girls with their very own "credit cards", in their words, or in my words 'gift cards', which they've been making very detailed plans for. The generous and much needed financial donations, which have made me wonder to what sacrifice people have gone to in order to help us. The girls' Primary teachers and leaders, ever aware of the girlies' new needs and ever patient with their intensified idiosyncracies. The hard work of all the different people involved on the remodel...the donated materials and time astound me. A generous gift to ride the Heber Valley Railroad Polar Express...anonymously...such a great memory that the girls will always remember. They still remember the Elves' names and their funny jokes from the train car we were on. A true friend letting the girls eat breakfast at her house every morning, including over winter break,while our kitchen is still in the works. Family that doesn't quit..they are there every step of the way to encourage and brighten our seemingly endlessly depressing and lonely future.

I am absolutely positive that I'm forgetting many many of you, and those that I forgot to mention will probably come to me when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I nor the girls will ever ever forget what it means to be on the receiving end of such generosity and love. We have made a committment ourselves to try and be so generous to others as you have all been to us. Thank you for teaching us how to love. Umas to you all.