Empathy

Writing on this blog has been and continues to be such an interesting experience for me. Sometimes a thought comes to me and is so clear about how I feel about it that sitting and writing those thoughts out comes easily and effortlessly. I hardly edit anything, and the order in which my thoughts flow through my fingertips I don't question. It just happens and feels natural. Then there are other times when I feel I should post some pictures and some semi-normal (whatever that actually means) posts about non-death related events, like birthdays, get togethers, or even just a random picture. And then there are the posts that I agonize over. They are the ones that use the most mental focus, spiritual awareness, and careful word choices. These posts come from the most inner part of myself. They are the most self-exposing, the ones where I share my feelings that are difficult even for me to comprehend, and most times are still unresolved. I find myself mulling over thoughts repeatedly, day in and day out, so that I can wrap my mind and heart around exactly why I'm thinking about them over and over and also to try and discover exactly what impact they will have on my new self. When I sit down to write about it, because they're somewhat unfinished thoughts not yet completed or polished, I often hesitate as I write in the effort to try and find the words that match the feelings I've been having and now feel driven to transfer from mind to paper. I have now one of those posts developing in my mind. It's been there since Thanksgiving, and I'm just beginning to understand how all of the thoughts that have been spiraling in my mind actually fit together. I'm still not ready to write it all out, but as I was doing the dishes tonight after all the girls were in bed, a thought came to me so strongly that I cannot deny it's authenticity. Let me start with a little background.



Remember my post about friends? Well, I have met yet another friend. He has been irreplaceable thus far in the short time I've known him and am thankful for the insights he's shared with me. He served in the same mission as Naki and he and I have almost identical experiences. His wife also died while sleeping, also from an undiagnosed heart condition. He was left with 4 angels who rely on him in the hardest time of his life as I have been left with 6 during the hardest time of mine. He's about 15 months or so ahead of me in the grieving process, so has been able to understand some of the backwards and ugly thoughts and emotions of which I'm currently besieged. He asked me a question last night and I've been thinking about it all day. "Have you ever wished it was you that went instead of him?" Both of us answered that we had occasionally had that thought, but for different reasons. My reason was because my spiritual struggles lately have been laced with guilt that had Naki been the one alive with the honor of raising the kids he would never have struggled with his faith. He never waivers, no matter the challenge. I feel inadequate for the job because of my spiritual instability.



My friend's answer to me was so noble and considerate for his wife...that he had experienced those thoughts of wishing it had been he who had died but quickly dismissed them knowing of the pain that he's going through and how he'd never want her to have to experience it. I've not been able to stop thinking about his charitable consideration for her, probably because I've not been thinking about anyone other than myself. His response humbled me. I've been so angry for several weeks now and the last thing I've been considering was Naki.



That last sentence I wrote came as an epiphany earlier this afternoon and has has been pacing around my mind for hours, which brings me to when I was doing the dishes tonight. I was bouncing back and forth in my mind the ideas of being humbled by my friend's attitude, thinking more of Naki, and thinking about how I'd feel had it been me who had died. I tried to picture myself having died, now participating in things that I can only imagine must be hopeful and heavenly and having obvious joy from knowing I'd successfully completed my time on earth, but all the while feeling incomplete and sorrowful from being without my husband and babies. It was at that moment that I felt such clarity and empathy for Naki...that even though he is without the trials and difficulties that this temporal and mortal existance brings, how he must ache to be with us. I know that Man, and he feels whole when he is surrounded by his family. It is with a huge sigh of relief that I was finally able to feel empathy tonight instead of anger. I hope it lasts.