Even though I've been feeling terribly sad these last few weeks, I have loved every minute spent driving anywhere, because it means that I get to see all the leaves that are changing, have changed, and the difference that brings to the landscape around me. I started laughing outloud the other day as I realized that one of the reasons I feel such peace when I look at nature during this season is that it reminds me of being in my house, my safe haven. The colors I see outside right now are the same exact colors that I've surrounded myself with in my house...hmmm...something about that color palette must make me feel secure and safe.
Today I spent the afternoon looking for something we could use every year to bring to Naki's grave in honor of Thanksgiving. I really wanted to find something that signified the true reason for Thanksgiving, which to me is giving thanks for all that the Lord has given us, but that yet still had a Thanksgiving/Turkey-Pilgrimish feel to it. Not as easy as you think, let me tell you. My friend Cyndi and I were talking last week about how her Dad always said that he feels that Thanksgiving is the unsung holiday. I agree completely. How is it that something as important as giving recognition for all your blessings is so easily missed? I've been looking for some time for his headstone decorations, and most stores have nothing! In fact, they already have their Christmas decor out. And even most of the things that I did manage to find were turkeys and pilgrims, which of course are very Thanksgiving oriented, but just as in everything else I think about lately, I wanted to find something with a little more depth. One plaque I found reads, "Our Greatest Blessings Call Us Mom and Dad". And another framed thing I found reads, "I'm thankful for the Harvest, I'm thankful for the Fall. I'm thankful for so many things, but for Family most of all". That was just what I was looking for. I did manage to find a little turkey thing too, since he so enjoyed eating that darn bird every year, and also a fun little sign that says, "Family and Turkey and football...Oh My!", which sums up what Naki loves about Thanksgiving. I felt such relief to feel like I had found a couple of things that will hopefully be a tangible way for the girls to remember him next week.
Having done several major holidays, baptisms, and birthdays immediately after Naki died and having survived them, I really hadn't given much thought to them this year. I wanted to get through our one year mark, which we did, and that's all I was really thinking about. Only as Halloween week was here did I realize how foolish I had been to think that it could be any easier. Silly girl. Naki is the one that makes Halloween for me bearable, truly. It's just not my favorite thing, and I know that I mentioned that before. I must give a HUGE shoutout to the anonymous donor last year, who after reading my post about how much I hate thinking of Halloween costumes, dropped off a huge container of fun costumes and fun costume pieces, which made assembling the girlies' costumes this year a cinch. They had fun doing it and so did I, unbelievably. A big thank you to whomever that was...we felt so loved as we dug through that treasure chest of costume treasures.
I wrote in my post about Naki's Y pumpkin that he was the master carver at our house. Last year my sister and her husband were here, as well as my Dad, and they oversaw the pumpkin carving extravaganza. So this year it was up to me...oh joy. We made it a two day project, and combined it with our annual caramel apple treats. It used to be that Naki would sit at the kitchen table and work with some of the kiddos carving pumpkins while I would work with the other ones at the kitchen counter, making our delish caramel apples. Since I was a one woman show this year, we split it up over two days. Friday afternoon we went and shopped for the pumpkins. Thank Heavens for Maceys, they still had some. And they were huge! So huge that you should have seen us ladies, trying to climb over the stand of pumpkins to reach the ones that we wanted, only to try and lift them and realize that it was going to take some serious muscle and some serious maneuvering...those suckers were heavy! At one point I'd hopped from pumpkin to pumpkin, like they were lily pads or something, got to the top, grabbed the one that one of the girls wanted, and realized there was no way I was going to be able to come back down in one whole piece. Lucky for me, or not so lucky since I completely believe now that all "luck" is God watching over me, a neighbor just happened to be walking into the store at that very moment and helped me by grabbing the pumpkin, and then helped me climb down. We got all those big babies home, and while they started brainstorming on their carving ideas, I started on the apples.
We finished the apples that night and started on the carving the next morning. Here are some of the masterminds at work...
Because of my complete uninvolvement in the carving last year, I had no idea where to locate all of the child-friendly carving tools that we've acquired over the years. I knew I didn't have the stomach to find myself in the emergency room, the same one I was in with Naki, should any carving injuries happen. That left me to carve ALL the pumpkins, and I found myself struggling more and more emotionally as I moved from pumpkin to pumpkin, feeling so angry that Naki wasn't with me to do this together. I hate that anger emotion more than any of the other ones, I think. It feels so impure, so out of place, and yet sometimes exactly what I want to feel. I tried so hard to make it a positive experience for the girls, desperately trying to separate my issues from the fun they were having. The girls were great pumpkin-gut-scrapers and removers, and then I did the carving.
Here are the finished products.
Eli's:
Line's:
Malia's:
Lose's:
Eva and Ane were the helpers with Daddys' Jack-O'-Lantern this year.
Here are the pictures from my camera of the girlies in their costumes that I took on Friday morning during our school's Halloween Parade. As I was walking my my Kindergarten class, a teacher walking right behind me took pics of me and the girlies...
This next pic is one of my favorites, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because just look at Ane...this is what she was trying to do as I walked by. And secondly, because look how unfazed everyone is around her. I hadn't realized it when I took this picture, but just now as I was studying it, I received the truest feeling of love in my heart for everyone surrounding Eva and Ane. I can not adequately describe the feelings that I'm experiencing right now, as I just discovered that the people in this picture all sat together for this parade to see their own children march by in their costume glory. But I do not doubt that they saw my friend Cyndi walk in with not only her little kiddos but mine too, and they all came together, either consciously or unconsciously, with love and support for me and for each other. I am so blessed with the best of friends. I love you! Chases, Jordans, Andersons, and Scoubes families. You are angels, truly.
And here are the photos I took on my camera from the evening trick or treating festivities. Some of the cousins hadn't arrived yet when I took pics, but we were able to see everyone. It's always so fun to see what everyone comes up with for costumes.
Gosh...I just realized for a Holiday that I'm not fond of, I sure take a lot of pictures of it.
Even though I had such a difficult time actually doing the traditional activities that each holiday brings, it's always such a relief to know that we've done them, and done them well. It brings complete satisfaction to my heart to know that as their living parent, I gave EVERYTHING I had to whatever project we were doing. I know what I'm capable of, and God knows what I'm capable of. When those two match, and then I actually see whatever it is through to the end, it brings such peace to know that when I see Naki again I'll have absolutely no regrets, and I know how proud he'll be of me for doing hard things. Happy Halloween everybody...
