Fort De Soto, Florida
Florida Fireside Trip, 2010
I have sat down several times to write posts about past events and/or about pictures I've taken that I want to journal here on my blog. But every time I start, I find myself just staring at the screen, unable to find within my writing brain the words to adequately journal. Some may call that writer's block, but I know better. The real reason that I've been unable to write is because my heart is elsewhere. Every time I've written something on this blog it has flowed freely from my heart, through my fingertips, and onto the keys. Putting words to my emotions helps me to see myself more clearly. I feel my heart and emotions in the words that I've written, and that is exactly what is missing when I've been trying to write lately. I am not surprised to find this to be the case, as my heart has been wrapped up in an unexpected situation I've found myself in over the past two months. The details are not significant enough to share here. But what is significant is what I've learned through those details. And goodness, how I have learned.
I have learned that fear, in all it's forms, is a very real thing. There have been times over the past two months where I was very, very, scared. Scared like, lock all your doors all the time, jump at weird noises, or look over your shoulder constantly scared. Experiencing this type of fear has helped me to have more patience with the girls when they express to me their own fears, whether they resemble mine or not. Being so afraid brought me closer to God because where faith is fear cannot reside. I have lived that statement more keenly than I thought possible. Despite all of my unanswered questions that I had been talking to God about over the past 11 months, I knew, just knew, in this moment of crisis that He was there and continues to be there. I have conflict in my heart still, for sure, regarding a Father who has allowed for my heart to be broken so completely. But despite that conflict, I have felt the absolute assurance and comfort that He knows I am afraid, and that He wants me to turn to Him for all the strength I need.
There are times now and have been in the past when I'm walking in crowds with my girls all by myself, and worry that I'll lose one of them simply by them taking their next step a little off of the path that we as a group are taking. Many times I have used my hand, palm placed on their back, their shoulder, or the back of their head, to direct or redirect their steps, so that we can all end up at our destination, whether that's the cookie counter at Maceys or in our pew at church. I have felt that same generous, powerful, and guiding hand on me over the past several months, helping me with the direction of the next step I need to take. In my minds eye the hand itself is as large and long as my entire body, head to toe. I have felt small in size compared to such a strength-filled hand, and yet have not felt insignificant in the least. Just the opposite. Having so much fear, and feeling so frightened at circumstances beyond my control, has taught me that it is okay to be afraid, and normal considering the situation that I found myself in. But having faith is having the ability to continue on in the face of your fears. God is more powerful than any fear I may have, and I have been changed with that knowledge.
The girls watched a Veggie Tales recently about being scared. There is a song in it that they have since memorized, and sing it all the time. The lyrics are
God is bigger than the Bogey Man
He's bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on t.v.
Yes, God is bigger than the Bogey Man
He's watching out for you and me.
Totally silly, but it is such a great reminder for me every single time I hear them sing it.
