"You have to look good if you don't play good..."

It's raining. I love when it rains, as long as I don't have to be in it and the bottoms of my pants don't get all wet and drag on the ground gaining tons of dirt and grime as the day goes on. But rain, when I'm indoors, is one of my favoritist things. Naki's too. When it would rain we would roll the windows down if we were in the car or open all the windows if we were in the house, and try to get a big whiff of it. We love the smell of rain! Some people think we're loony, for many reasons besides this one, I'm sure, but we just can't get enough of rain-scent. It fills up our lungs and gives us a fresh cleansed feeling. I'm not describing it well, but suffice to say we love it. It was raining earlier this afternoon and I caught Malia with her head tilted back and out the car window, just trying to inhale as long as she could. Then she loudly exclaimed, "I love this smell!" I reminded her that her Dad taught her to love the smell of rain, to which she just serenely smiled. Dad memories tend to do that to a rain-cleansed girlie.

Earth angels are a new addition to my list of favoritist things. I've found them all over the place lately, too many to count. Some, I know, are even busy about their angelic work without my knowledge. It's astounding to me how much we feel loved, or I guess it's astounding to me how much we are loved. I've always known that we have good friends, but never knew we were loved like this. I'd like to think that if others were in my position I'd be half as good to them as all of my earthly angels are to me, but honestly my world tends to revolve around me and my little family. Seeing others in their service has taught me much. In fact, there's a Mourner's Bill of Rights that applies.

"Other-Service...Do something for someone else. Benefiting someone else, even when you are hurting, helps you respect yourself."

I believe that through the service given to my family by our earthly angels it is helping them to heal their own grief. I need to make sure that I look for ways to help those around me, too. I know myself well, and it would be very easy for me to continue to focus inward and take a lot of time to find ways to focus my efforts outward. I know that my family is my first priority; don't worry that I'll over extend myself. I just think there is definite truth and wisdom to this Right. I've been going through some of the things in my house that I could sell but instead am finding new and better homes for such items. It feels so uplifting to be able to give things to others the way people have given to me and the girlies. Throughout the years Naki and I found ourselves in tight spots financially and had always been rescued by someone's generosity, whether through groceries, clothes for the girlies, acts of service, or money to pay bills. I remember once asking Naki, "When are we going to be the ones to help others? When do we get to stop being the charity case?". The joke's on me...I've found myself in the ultimate charity case situation ever. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. It sure has taught me humility. It's also taught me that just because others are serving my family in a time of crisis does not mean that there aren't future opportunities out there for me to be someone else's earthly angel.

One of those earthly angels is currently working on getting my home computer back up and working. Last night it just decided it had had enough...I'm typing from my Dad's laptop, since two nights ago mine kind of pooped out on me, too. I refuse to succumb to the Computer Demons around here...I'm determined to write about my feelings no matter what. If something happens to THIS one, anyone who lives close by to me be prepared to receive a knock on your door late at night after all my girlies are asleep. It's my best blogging time. All is peaceful and I can think and type uninterrupted. So you've all been officially warned...

Lose received an Honorable Mention today at school for her Literature entry in the PTA Reflections program. Go Lose! The theme for all entries this year was "Beauty is..." and you can fill in the blank as you interpret. Her entry was, "Beauty is my birthday". Amen! All birthdays should be the best thing ever, no matter how old. I hope that when my birthday comes I'm somehow able to be happy about it even though Naki isn't around to give me birthday spank'ns.
I took pictures at the school today, and am not sure how to upload them since I'm on a different computer. I am so not computer literate. I've realized that I need to post some pictures. The purpose of my blog shifted about a month ago, and I need to remember that it originally served as a journal of fun things, too. Time to put up some fun pictures of the girls...a little bit of cheer. I'll work on that.

We have a bizarre mystery going on over here. Last night when we all went to bed there were four canisters on the kitchen counter...white flour, wheat flour, white sugar, and brown sugar. My Dad informed me this morning that he's either going crazy or the brown sugar canister is missing. I choose to believe that he didn't just misplace a whole canister, but rather we have a sneaky Brown Sugar Thief running loose amongst us. Now, there are a couple questions to ask: Who is the Brown Sugar Thief? When did the canister first go missing? Where are the contents of the canister? And the ever important question, where is the canister now? We have a couple of suspects, although they're unaware that we're on to them. We're waiting for someone to slip up and confess. We're pretty confident that this will happen soon since a couple of weeks ago we had an unprompted confession from the Shredded Cheese Bandit. They sheepishly walked out of their bedroom, head and shoulders slouched over with guilt, one arm extended straight out with the almost empty bag of shredded cheese held in their hand, and confessed that they had been keeping it as their own secret cheese stash in between their bed and the wall. Oddly enough, it still felt cold since the wall was an exterior one. Maybe we should be more concerned about the lack of insulation in the wall since it kept the cheese somewhat refrigerated and fresh. I've already checked their previous stash location with no success. We'll find out more as they slip up, I'm sure. Either that or we'll have some informants step forward, soon. They always do.

Many of you know of my Dad's love for golf. I have vivid memories of my childhood in Pennsylvania. We lived on a beautiful piece of land smack in the middle of Amish Country. I remember hearing all of the horses and buggies driving to church every Sunday, and then getting on the road to drive to church ourselves and seeing all of the marks on the road from the wheels of their mode of transportation. We had three acres or so of land with a barn and my Mom and Dad's Pre-Civil War-built dream house on it. I love thinking of the picture I have in my head of my dad, standing in the yard, practicing his golf swing and golf hitting, whatever that's called, (I'm not very golf-savvy), because raising a family of 10 kids doesn't provide an allowance for golfing. He now is able to golf on a regular basis and in my not-so-humble opinion, is very good. On one of the nights since he's been here we were chatting about the fun golf clothes that he's seen, and some that he's acquired. In his words, "Well, you have to look good if you don't play good". I knew then that I wanted to use his words as part of one of my posts. It fits perfectly with one of the Mourner's Bill of Rights. This Right states,

"Self-Service...Do small acts of service for yourself. Don't expect others to. Have a warm bath at night. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers. Listen to music. Remember that others cannot know your thoughts and needs so you must be your own 'best doctor'."

At this point, my small acts of service to myself have been fun trips to some new favorite stores to acquire some jeans and shirts that actually fit...and maybe a pair of boots or two that I've always needed but never got. I admire ladies who can make do with what they have. Truthfully, I do, especially since I've been one of those ladies my whole life. I know what it takes to sacrifice things you love so others around you have what they need. I don't say this to be boastful in any way, but instead to show that having been on one side of the extreme of not having much I understand the importance of being able to give to yourself sometimes in order to be strong for those around you...filling up your own bucket, so to speak. There are many different ways that we all need to fill up our buckets...mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But I believe there is something so strengthening and confidence-boosting in covering yourself with things you truly love and more importantly with things that help you love yourself. Sounds hokey, I'm sure, to some of you, and maybe even materialistic. But for me I've experienced both extremes, sacrifice and giving to yourself, enough to realize the wisdom in never short changing yourself. I figure in all of this new chaos around me, I at least can try to look good even if I don't "play" good, so to speak. A special thank you to all those earthly angels of mine who keep answering all of my questions on how to be my "best doctor".

I've always loved to read, but usually my book genre of choice is fiction. An occasional non-fiction slips in there if it's lucky, but not very often. Since Naki's died, I haven't been able to bear the thought of wasting my time with fiction. I'm sure it will find it's place in my life again at some point...it would break my reading-loving heart otherwise! But not for a while. I have so many books on my reading list right now about so many topics and just not very much time for reading. I try to sneak in a paragraph whenever I can. I've never been so interested in non-fiction in my life! Currently I'm trying to read a book that Naki's sister dropped by my house the night before Halloween. It's titled, When You Can't Do It Alone Take the Savior's Hand and it's written by Brent L. Top. The author is a former LDS Mission President who struggled with anxiety, depression, and a nervous breakdown while he was serving as such. There is a paragraph that I really love at the very end of the first chapter. It talks about his experiences bringing him closer to the Savior. It speaks to me because even though I hate that it took Naki dying to bring me closer to the Savior, it is the truth. It reads,

"In the months and years since that experience, I have learned many things about what it means to focus on Christ and to take hold of His outstretched hand. I probably would never have learned how to do that if I had not been forced to my knees. Just as Peter paid more attention to the words of the Master when he was floundering in the water than when he took his first steps out of the boat, so, too, did I listen and learn more in pain than I ever did in comfort and prosperity. I may never have learned how to focus on Christ if I hadn't been in a position where I absolutely had to do so. Taking hold of His hand and allowing Him to lift us doesn't happen automatically or quickly. It is a spirtual skill that has to be learned and relearned, and then that learning must be continually applied."

I still don't like my situation, and I still don't know how I'll survive without my Baby, but I do know what it's doing for my relationship with the Savior. I hope we all can get the most out of our difficulties, whatever they are, and realize that we can take hold of the Savior's hand and walk with Him.