I'll Do It, But I Won't Like It

It's official. We finally own Eli. Not sure if that's wise...perhaps we should have gotten a money back guarantee. (Just jokin', Eli...you know you're stuck with us forever!) This past week I paid the last installment of the bill from the hospital from when I delivered Eli...yup, that's 4 years of paying on that same stinkin' bill. I've always taken on the responsibility of the household finances. Not because he isn't capable, but because quite honestly I'm too much of a control freak to NOT be the one doing it. He sees the wisdom in 'allowing' me to do them instead of him and I know he is so proud of me for having figured out a way to not only have kept a bill collector off of our tails but for actually making sure that with our meager budget I found a way to meet all of the needs of our household. Just another thing I'm glad I already know how to do. I can't imagine if he had been the one doing it all along what I would have had to do to get up to speed. He may have been the one to bring in all the money, but I'm the one who knows how to spend it...I can't help it; it's genetic.

I'm not gonna lie. Reality has begun to set in. (As if I need any more reality checks around here.) But since Naki died and I've had the troops rally around me, I've always had extra help, and thus, extra hands. We started off the night with a round of trick or treating around our neighborhood with the adorable Brousseau family and Grandfather and then went to the Ward Trunk or Treat last night and intended to meet up there with Naki's brothers and their families. Grandfather had worked and worked himself all day in organizing and working side by side with a group of BYU students. A dear friend of our family is in the Bishopric of a BYU student ward and between he, my Dad, and my brother-in-law Matt had organized quite the group effort to touch up the exterior paint on parts of the house and to stain all of our exterior fencing. So we gave Grandfather the much needed and well deserved break and went off to meet the Maile family at our ward building. I, of course, was a bit early, and so the kids wanted to get started right away. So we unloaded and set off. I can't seem to find the right words to explain the change I felt in that moment, but it suddenly occurred to me as I lost Lose for only the 5th time, that it's just me. Duh, I know. Like that's new information. That I alone, as I stood there for the very first time with no extra hands, am responsible for these children in this moment. After regathering them all around me, I tried in my most 'I am SOOO not kidding' voice to let them know that under no circumstances are they to leave my side. As I was standing there with 6 sets of hands pulling me in different directions, and 6 sets of ears not listening to my instructions, I realized that this could indeed be a very long night. And I can look like a fool with my head spinning in 6 different directions, or I can take charge and help this go as smoothly as possible. I wouldn't say that my head wasn't still spinning, but I think Lose got the message. She stayed with me the rest of the way, but needless to say we were all overly thrilled to see the Maile family roll up. Whew. Extra hands and extra hearts. It was perfect timing. We hopped from one place to the next and ended up at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house with all their Maile cousins and also the Zeller clan. That was so great to have everyone together...I know Naki is smiling and feels so proud every time he sees us all together.

It was all exhausting yet fulfilling to know that they all enjoyed themselves. My goal is to make things as close to normal as possible, even though it puts me in places that I really don't want to be. I'll do it, but I won't like it. Truthfully I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and do nothing. I want to sit in the shower and let the water run over me while I cry and just be alone. I want to know what it feels like to just sit and read a book peacefully just for pleasure again. But that's just not the way it works, as Eli says. It just isn't.

I got all the kids bathed, fed, and in bed before I fell apart. I can't even put words to the emotion that I felt. I just knew that I needed to cry. I came upstairs and felt too dark inside to blog and write it out. So I turned the lights off and curled up like I'd been craving and waited for sleep to take over that horrible feeling. But Heavenly Father knew that I didn't need that. Ane immediately started to cry in her bed. It was heavenly to just hold her, cheek to cheek. It was exactly what I needed. Cuddling with a baby cures all my woes. Why do you think I kept having them? Y'all better watch over your cuddly babies...I just might be snagging some for the free cuddling. I'm sure I'll need it.

I had just warmed a bottle up for her when Eli let out some seriously frightening screams from her bed. So I raced downstairs and thrust Ane into my Dad's hands and said you take care of her and I'll take care of Eli. Apparently she wasn't as healed from the hurling bug as we had originally thought...nothing like scrubbing some throw up off a mattress, the carpet, and your baby to pull you out of self pity. The immediacy of her situation forced me out of mine. By the time I'd rebathed and dressed her, scrubbed the mess up, and remade the bed with Grandfather, I was too tired to feel any more blah. I just went right to sleep.

The residual effects were still with me this morning, however. The week Naki died I remember telling my family that Naki's very very very most bestest favoritist day of the year ever was coming up. He cherished it more than any holiday, birthday, football game, or celebration of any kind. Drumroll, please....Daylight Savings Time. That boy lived for that extra hour of sleep. Since we've been married he was always getting by on not enough sleep. So the concept of a freebie was just so precious to him. I would herd the kiddos downstairs and shut our bedroom door so he wouldn't be bothered. It's a big deal to me too, don't get the wrong idea, but I get to take occassional naps during the day, and he never does, so we all tried to leave Dad undisturbed on his favorite day of the entire year. In honor of that, my Mom had the smart idea to spend that morning at his gravesite. So in addition to the Halloween madness the night before, after the girlies were all in bed I trekked to the store for some breakfast goodies. I gathered the girls and the treats up and drove over there this morning. It was perfect. They had such a great time there and certainly there is a lot of wisdom to the first time going back being a celebration of something happy and cheerful. They were giggling and having a great time walking around reading other's monuments. After a while they noticed something that I'd already noticed on first arriving. Ummm...a deer or something like that pooped right where all Naki's flowers were sitting on his plot. At first, they were all grossed out and some of them were even, I'd say, slightly offended at the idea of an animal doing such a thing. I heard one of the girls say, "Can you believe that something pooped on our Dad?". I corrected them and said, "Girls, something pooped on the grass, not on your Dad." Then they all started giggling and laughing and said that it was perfect because of all the times that they had all at one time or another pooped on him, too. Ahhh...kid's humor. It was just right.

I wasn't feeling up to church. I know without any doubt that I need to be there. The Lord wants me there. Naki wants me there. I want me there. But that was the only place we spent consistently as a family. It just seems so especially desolate inside me when I go there without him. Add to that that we weren't a quiet family in church to begin with, and with some of the new behavioral traits that some of the kids are using to cope with their grief we're REALLY not a quiet family, and well, it's just not condusive to feeling the Spirit or for others around us to feel the Spirit. So I'll do it, but right now I don't like it. I have confidence that in time it will get better. But right now it's just so darn difficult. I came up to my room to shower and get ready for church and had my Surprise of the Day. Some time ago, about a year, I was really struggling. Having Ane really threw me for a loop. It took all 9 months of the pregnancy to get used to the idea of being pregnant again, and it's taken me almost as long to get used to the idea of being a mother of 6. Around the time when Ane was about 3 months old, Naki did the sweetest thing for me. He'd taken a piece of notebook paper and had written sweet statements of encouragement and compliments and had gone through the house and taped/placed them in places he knew I'd go that day so that I wouldn't be alone in my struggles. I found one above the washing machine, one taped to the side of the crib, one taped above the garage door opener, one on my pants shelf, one in my bathroom, one in my dresser drawer, etc etc. They were everywhere. I never moved them, but left them where they were so that I could see them over and over again. As time passed, some of them were knocked or pulled down by little chubby and curious fingers, and I'd lost track of which ones were still around. I remember the day Connie arrived after Naki died, I think it was on Friday, I told her to please look around and if she saw any of them to grab them for me. I have been disappointed because I couldn't find as many as I had liked. As I was digging through my dresser drawer this morning, much to my astonishment I found not one, but three notes in his precious handwriting that were the most perfect words from him that I so needed to hear on this particular day. They read,

Please know I'm thinking of you.

I love you and am thinking of you.

I love you and I KNOW you can do it.

I can't hardly type those words and see the computer screen at the same time because every time I read them I know without any doubt that that is exactly what he is saying to me right now. He has always been my biggest cheerleader, and I have absolute confidence that he is cheering me on right now. Babe, I'll do it...I'll do it all, whatever "all" of it is. But I won't like it. I don't like what's now my life. But I'll do it because I know you'd do it if things were the other way around. I'll do it because I love these babies, the Lord, myself, and you so very much. I'll do it with the faith that someday I'll have come to understand so very much about what these experiences can teach those affected by them. But in all honesty right now I truly do not like it.

Surprise of the Day

Last night turned out to be an interesting one. Eva decided unbeknownst to us or her, I'm sure, to share whatever bug she had the other night with three of her other sisters. They all decided to let me know they were feeling uckky simultaneously. Well, technically, Ane fell back asleep after she threw up, but the other two were up all night, moaning and groaning, heaving and hurling, and were very unhappy about the entire situation. Grandfather was especially concerned about Ane being sick again in her bed and perhaps something going terribly wrong in the process and so decided to set up camp outside her bedroom door on the floor. I'm sure it couldn't have been all that comfortable. I set up camp in the living room, but really didn't sleep and spent most of the night rubbing backs and trying my best to comfort and reassure them. I felt so terrible for my babies! Who likes to throw up? They have been trying to recover throughout the day today. Eli seems to be doing the best out of all three...we'll see what kind of night we have tonight. As a result of being sick, Lose missed her first ever Halloween Costume parade that the school has every year. She was, needless to say, very very bummed. She and I are both hoping that she can get feeling better so that she can have her game face on for tomorrow's trick or treating marathon.



What is it about Halloween? I'm just not a big fan. I don't think I ever have been. I was trying to describe it to some friends today while Eva and I were waiting for the parade to begin. I think I dislike it so much because it puts me in the situation of trying to create something, specifically the costumes, out of nothing. I'm just not creative in that way. It's not just that I can't think of how to portray a certain costume, but I struggle to think of what costumes to do at all! Add to that my desire to make sure that the girls always like whatever costume we can come up with and that they don't feel that they don't have a good costume because we don't go out and buy them, and it just gets a bit draining for me. It's one of those things that I'm always grateful is over.


The one thing, and possibly the only thing, that I do like about this holiday is the pumpkin carving. I'm not sure why I like it, but I do. Well, I suppose that's not entirely accurate. I like making sure that my kids get to do it, and I love the way it smells, and the way the light shines out of them when they're finished, but I don't actually enjoy the carving. Naki and I had a great arrangement that we perfected over the years. He would help the kids figure out what design they wanted, help them get said design onto the pumpkin, and would help get all the carving done. I, meanwhile, would be making the caramel apples covered with milk and white chocolate drizzles. Wait a minute...no wonder I love this part of the holiday. It's because I don't have to do it and it gets done! I enjoy the tradition of it and the nostalgia it holds for me, the fact that Naki loves doing it with them, I enjoy eating the treats, but most of all I enjoy that it all gets done and I don't have to do any of the work! Luckily my earthly angels came to my rescue tonight. My sister Connie and her husband Steve came down from Nevada tonight with their kiddos and with their efforts and my Dad's incredible cutting and clean up duties, together they got it done. Check. Cross it off of my list. I wanted to make sure that it got done, even though I really didn't want to do it. The Grief Therapist told me that one of the worst things I could ever do right now for the kids would be to remove the traditions that they hold dear. Those traditions are linked in their hearts and minds to their Dad.

I thought we'd made it through another Dadless experience, much like the pumpkin picking, without any difficulty. But we had a grieving moment, Line and I. She was having parental listening troubles and we were discussing that. It became clear to me that it had much less to do with where she was getting dressed after her shower, or whether or not she'd brushed her hair. She was able to express to me that she is having much trouble finding any type of joy in any of her life right now. Not just in these traditions we're trying to continue, but in her day to day actions as well. She just said that more than anything she just wants him to hold her, to talk to her, and to tell her the things she needs to hear from him. I told her that no one expects her to find joy in the fact that her Dad is gone and that we all want those things from our Dad and that it's not even remotely realistic for her to expect to feel joyfull as a result of his death. It is, however, realistic to expect that you will someday experience joy despite his death. Naki is a down to earth kind of guy, and so I was always surprised when he would tell me about the impact that your positive thoughts can have on your life...kind of like karma, I guess. I tried my best to pass this belief of his on to Line...that she can be sad. That's okay. But she has to remember that in order to grow and to move on with the expectation of happiness and joy in her life she needs to continue to hope for it, and have a positive outlook on just the possibility and her desire to have joy. It reminds me so much of Alma 32: 27 in the Book of Mormon. As a matter of fact, she and I read that scripture together earlier this week.

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even unil ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

This sweet girl is struggling...as I'm sure all of them are. She just has never possessed the ability to withhold her thoughts and feelings...they're all right there on her sleeve. I can't wait for Grief Therapy to start...we start attending weekly on the 12th of November. I feel very strongly about the good that grief therapy will do for our little family. I CAN'T WAIT to get started.

Grief is filled with the "expecteds" and the "unexpecteds". I have to tell you. One of the most disturbing unexpecteds I've encountered thus far is the amount of people, mostly complete strangers, who feel entitled to counsel me in a disturbing and quite frankly disrespectful way. I have lost count of how many people have told me not to worry about being alone, because with my young age and good looks (who knew) I won't be alone for long because I'll be swooped up and remarried in no time at all. Really, people. The only reason I haven't taped their mouths shut is because I know that they mean it in the kindest way they know how. I see it like this. A. They feel so badly for me. B. They feel awkward and uncomfortable and are completely unsure about what to say. C. They themselves would never want to be widowed and alone for the rest of their lives. and D. They just plain don't think before they speak. (I had to add D because that's been me on a number of occasions, and I feel for others who are like me.) For reasons A thru D, I feel more badly for them than I do for me. I have, however, learned what to say. When they tell me not to worry, I won't be alone for long, I tell them that my husband was the first person to ever make me feel beautiful and I prefer to be alone than to try and replace that. Or I tell them that I actually like to be alone because the thought of being with anyone other than my Baby makes me nauseous. Or I tell them that no man could ever replace my girlies' Dad in their or my heart. Or I ask them if they want me to hold my palm out so they could possibly read the rest of my future for no charge. Okay, so I don't actually say any of those things. But really, why do people feel so entitled to give me advice like that? I wonder often if they can actually hear themselves. But, I remember many times when friends of mine were grieving from a loss and I myself just didn't know what to say to them, and I so desperately wanted to say something that would appease just a portion of their pain. So I've chosen to believe, out of the goodness of my heart, that these poorly informed people just want to help me feel better. I just smile and graciously say "That's so kind of you.." and leave it at that. See how wise and nice I can be?

Yesterday I had an appointment with the Social Security offices, which went smoothly, by the way. On my way there I got a call from a friend who I'm learning I have more and more in common with. She lost a baby about 5 years ago and has been so helpful for me throughout the last 2 weeks. She was telling me about how some days you sail right through and others you encounter a "Surprise of the Day". She'd discovered that there were moments when her emotions would catch her off guard. Those emotions and whatever triggered them were called the Surprise of the Day. I loved what she calls those moments. I told her I was going to start using that. I quickly thereafter received my Surprise of the Day. I was sitting in my Social Security appointment, waiting while the employee helping me was entering all of our applications for benefits. I started scrolling through my text message conversations to see which I could delete, which numbers I didn't have programmed into my phone, etc. Imagine my shock when as I was scrolling through I came unexpectedly on the last conversation, through text messages, that Naki and I had with each other. As I sat there at the desk across from this sweet little helper, I read the words "On my way home..." with his name right beside it. It so caught me off guard that tears started to roll down my cheeks. Poor little Angie, or maybe it was Ashley, my assigned worker, didn't know what to do with me. I found it so fitting that the last thing he said to me, through text, the night before he died, was that he was on his way "home". Can't wait to be home with you, Naki. Love you and miss you.

Zzzzzz

I am exhausted. Any sentence I begin to form only ends incomplete because right now I can barely lift my heavy dead-weight arms and . Good night...I'll have to try and play blog catch up tomorrow.

Oh Gag

Well folks, I have much that I want to write about tonight...quite a bit actually. And I don't want to get too far behind by not keeping my thoughts updated, because we all know my faulty memory. If I don't get it down here relatively quickly after it's happened, it all becomes a blur. But I'm just so exhausted I have to get some sleep. I'm amazed that I can sleep in this bed at all, since it's where Naki died. But as a wise friend told me, there's one difficult memory here, and many, too many to count, wonderful memories. Our bed is our space...where we'd lay after all the lights were turned out and talk in the dark until 2 in the morning. It's where we would lay at night and watch our favorite shows together. It's where we'd wrestle and he'd put all his submission moves that he learned in training while working at the State Hospital on me and I could never ever win any of those wrestling matches. It's where we spent every Sunday night calendaring the upcoming week so our schedules were coordinated. It's where our little munchkins shuffled to in the middle of the night and would then commence pulling all the covers off of us as they slept sideways with their feet on Naki's face and their heads on my lap. It's where we truly grew to understand each other. And lastly, it's the bed he bought me when we couldn't afford it because I was pregnant at the time, and the mattress we had been sleeping on was so bad my pregnant back and hips couldn't take it. I'd resorted to sleeping in the reclining chair beside our bed and he just couldn't stand seeing me so uncomfortable nor could either of us stand sleeping so far apart from each other. Too many wonderful memories to count...so they overtake that one negative and nightmare of a moment and I am able to peacefully sleep.

That is, until last night. Eva decided that not only was she going to crawl into bed with me, but that she'd squirm and twist and turn so that I couldn't sleep. The icing on the cake was when she tossed her cookies all over the pillow we were sleeping on together. Eeeew. After cleaning her up in the bath and stripping and cleaning the bed, she didn't just toss them she lobbed them. Smart me had a bowl ready for round two, so the cleanup was minimal the second time around. We then slept on the bed with our heads where our feet normally go, and even though logically this doesn't make any sense, I felt like the blood was rushing to my brain the whole time, like my head was lower than my feet. I'm pretty sure the bed is level, so I don't get it. Needless to say I woke not very rested. I am going to go to bed and try to catch some sleep before my bed hog joins me.

So I'll try and post tomorrow if I can. I have some really great things that I need to write down. For now, here are a few of the things the kids have said that I wrote down so I wouldn't forget.

Whenever we hear sirens, or see any rescue vehicles, any one of the girls assume the worst. "Mom, somebody died."

I don't know if Eli figured this out on her own or if she heard someone else say it. But she keeps telling me, "I wish Dad were still alive. But it just doesn't work like that."

Eli told me the other night when I was tucking her in bed, "If I feel my heart beating, does that mean it's growing?" At first I thought she was referring to the way her Dad always teaches her to let her heart grow with love. Then it occurred to me that she was expressing her fear that perhaps her heart was growing and she too might have an enlarged heart like Naki did.

Line told me "I feel guilty because I never feel Dad like everyone else." She sounds like me the day after he died. *we're working on her and her guilt issues*

After our pumpkin picking outing at The Red Barn, I was tucking Malia in when she told me, "I know Dad helped me pick my pumpkin tonight." I asked her what that meant and she clarified it for me by explaining that every year she can never find a good pumpkin and so Dad always helps her find the one she has in mind. But this year was different. She said that "I walked right to the perfect pumpkin, and I know that Dad was helping me pick my pumpkin."

I love these girlies so very much.

Disneyland?!

This morning I accidentally threw Grandfather for a loop. I'd forgotten to tell him that Grandpa Maile doesn't watch the three little girlies on Tuesdays and Thursdays because he goes to the temple those mornings. Thus, we don't have to get started with our morning routine at 6:00, but 6:30 instead. He didn't confess until late this evening, that he was up and moving about, not quite sure if he should wake everyone up in case we'd overslept. It's quite the cute picture I have of him in my head, kind of pacing around, trying to figure out what to do, exactly. How I love him and the amazing service he is giving me. I'm not used to this, I must admit. I alternate between feeling guilty as I see him working around the house, like he should sit down and rest a bit, and feeling like I'm possibly taking advantage of him as I place my lunch order. Tonight I forced my phone and camera on him because I couldn't figure something out with both of them, exactly the thing I used to do with Naki. After Grandfather goes back home, I'm just gonna have to figure that stuff out on my own. But, I know myself well enough to know that I'm more than capable, most of the time, at doing that stuff. I just don't want to or like to. *sigh* Oh well. I guess I better get used to it. I wanted to share with all of you who are reading this one of the Lord's tender mercies. Most of you know that about a week and a half before Naki died I went to Idaho to visit my family while Naki stayed with the kids. While I was there my parents took me out to dinner. At the end of our meal my Dad told me of a plan he'd conceived. My Dad is an avid golfer, or as my Mom calls him, a "rabid" golfer. And in my opinion, he is a good one, too. Anyone who can whack those teeny balls around and actually make them go in a hole the size of a doughnut is pretty darn good, in my book. Anyway, at dinner he told me that during the winter snowy months in Couer D'Alene he gets a bit stir crazy and had decided that he would be coming to Utah to stay with me and Naki and would serve as our "Man Friday". (I had to ask what the heck that meant when he told me...couldn't figure out if that meant he would change his name to Friday, or he'd only be here on Fridays, or what! But apparently it's doing the same things that he's doing right now.) I find it no coincidence whatsoever that Heavenly Father had already given my Dad the promptings that I would so desperately need him. Just one of the many ways I've discovered that I have not been forgotten and that I am indeed not alone.

So today was a big day for Eli. She really really REALLY didn't want to go back to Joy School, our version of preschool. But the good news is she did it, and as is typical of her, she was proud of herself for doing it and even was glad she had done it. I guess it starts young...feeling good about yourself because you know you've triumphed over something that's hard for you.

Since we started back to school this week I decided to ease back into dance by giving the girlies the option to go this week or not. Line was the only one who wanted to go back today, surprise surprise. We'll see who wants to go on Thursday. It was the perfect opportunity to spend some much needed one on one time with her. Because of the loud and impossible-to-ignore methods that the younger girls use to express their emotions, the older girls I fear sometimes sit back and wait for me to notice that they need me. Line is no exception. I know that she is craving love and affection from me right now...Whew! It's rewarding to feel so loved and needed, but I just hope there's enough of me to around. While we were out at dance, I experienced my first bout of "retail therapy". Actually, that's not accurate. My first official prescribed retail therapy came with Ginny and my dear friend Laura...those girlies are shopping soul mates. They were speaking a language that I can't even begin to comprehend when they took me shopping for the clothes that I wore Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday for all the services. And there is definitely something to be said for feeling like a million bucks. I sure did. They knew I needed that even when I didn't.

I'll admit to feeling a bit of nervousness at the thought that my former stylist is no longer here to make sure I don't walk out of the house looking a bit odd. So, I was at TJ Maxx tonight and was looking at the shoes when the thought hit me that I'll never know which sneakers are dorky and which ones are high fashion. Not everyone can tell the difference, I know, but Naki always made sure that I didn't have any sneaker faux paus. I guess now I can walk around in sneaker oblivion. Fits pretty well with all the other things I seem to be walking around in a state of obliviousness about. I know that many who have experienced grieving have told me this, but tonight was one of the first times I'd experienced it. They told me that you find yourself falling apart at the strangest moments...this was definitely one of those moments for me. I was just fine when I was at the Pumpkin Patch last night. But tonight, standing in front of the shoes at TJ Maxx, I actually felt my palms start to sweat, I felt my heart start racing and go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds, and tears just sprang to my eyes. I never expected that. Such a shock. Over sneakers, no less! The moment quickly passed, thank heavens. And now I know what to expect every time I go shopping. Not only the sneakers, but it was a bit of a child like emotion I felt when standing at the counter...like I was going to get in trouble for buying something without permission. Naki and I have always had very tight finances, and so always needed to run things by each other in order to keep our budget in the black and not the red. I honestly felt like I maybe should call my Mom just to see if these were approved purchases I was making. I realized how silly that was, and continued in my shopping...but then when I got home I seriously thought about maybe sneaking them in past my Dad! What am I, 17? So weird, this being alone thing. I'm pretty sure I'll get the hang of it...it's just strange.

A big thanks to my Dad for letting me model my new winter coat to him and for letting me show off my Franco Sarto steal...(did you catch my only Fashion lingo, Ginny and Laura?) He complimented me and was so sweet about it. I guess I could ask the girls what they think about my clothes in the future, but I'm not so sure I want to rely on the advice of those cuties. Malia led me astray once with a gold sequin debacle, and I'm not sure I'm ready for another one. (Just kidding, Malia!)

I'm super excited for tomorrow because we have our first Grief Therapy appointment at 3:30. I wanted to make sure that the girls didn't have any negative ideas about being a person that goes to therapy and so have been building it up for them ever since their Daddy died. I can't wait for some professional advice about the best way to build up these beauties and filling up their wells of confidence and self love. I realized as I was tucking Lose and Eli into bed tonight that I had never fully explained it to Eli, and so immediately started delivering my 'therapy is super fun' spiel. She got super excited and jumped onto her knees, placed both hands on her knees, leaned forward, and exclaimed, "Is it at Disneyland?!". Umm, apparently I need to take the fun level of therapy down a notch...she may be a bit let down when she doesn't get to ride any rollercoasters.

Inadequate Thanks

I've been trying to figure out how to form the words that will adequately describe how I've been feeling towards all those whose love for Naki, myself, and our girls has been showered on us, and "there has not been room enough to receive it". I am astounded and incredibly humbled as I've watched all of you give tirelessly of your time, your money, your thoughtfulness, your prayers, your food, your talents, your patience, your understanding, your faith, and your love to my little family. I know that Naki is so incredibly touched as well...he loves you all and has served you the best way he knows how; by loving you. And I know that he is so proud to be able to call you all friends as he's watched you lift up and love all of his girlies. Line, Malia, Lose, Eli, Eva, Ane, and myself only hope to be able to carry on that legacy of love that he and now all of you have taught us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...Love, Abby

For all of you that read this and know of someone who has served our family but won't get the chance to read this, could you please forward our message of thanks on to them? I want to make sure everyone who has given of themselves knows what it means to us.

Just another Musing Monday

I, or should I say we, made it through another day without Daddy. I'm pleasantly surprised at the things we accomplished today, because of how unsure I was about this day when it started. I decided after the funeral was over that it was time to get the kids back in school and time to get some routine and consistency back into our lives...I believe I mentioned the routine in an earlier post. So we woke this morning, much to my chagrin, back at 6:00 and got the morning rolling with scripture study. We got out the door on time, but had to turn around twice before we actually "left". First it was to return and get Lose's special necklace that has a picture of the girls and Naki on it. She was desperate to wear it to school. At first I wanted to have them only wear it on special occasions but then decided that if they wanted to feel that they were closer to him just by having a picture of him close by, then so be it. I'll keep buying more and more necklaces if they get lost or broken. The second time we turned around it was because Line forgot one of his sweatshirts that she wanted to wear to school. Technically, I guess she didn't forget. But when we dropped the little girls off at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house she saw Malia wearing one and was just had to wear one as well. So back home we went. Some of the school aged girls were chomping at the bit to get back and be involved and busy. Others had trepidation that someone would want to talk to them about what had happened, and didn't really feel ready. I was thrilled to find that when I picked them up from school that all had gone well. Line's teacher, I know I mentioned before in another post, is the wife of the man that baptized my parents. She and her husband have been over to the house many times over the past week and a half to talk and help in any way that they could. She let the girls come and eat lunch with her today, and Lose informed me that she told her that she could come to her room to cry in private any time she wished...apparently Lose was sharing with her that I had told them that there is no need to hide their tears if they feel like crying. I've also told them that it's okay to be sad and not have tears...you don't have to cry to show sorrow. So, *whew*. One day down, and the rest to go.

I think it was good for the little ones to be back with their Maile family in the morning while I was at the gym. Dad Maile told me that Ane couldn't stop staring at him or following him around wherever he went, which was unusal for her. It must have felt good to see a loving brown face...I miss that, too, Ane. As for me, at least I can say I went to the gym. I know myself well enough to know that it's important for my well being in all areas to get those endorphins movin' around, or released, or whatever it is they do when you work out. I just felt better knowing that I had done it, and know that Naki is proud of me for doing something that I truly haven't yet learned to enjoy.

After the gym, I headed over to the wonder of a place...a shopping center that was genious enough to put Ross, TJ Maxx, and Old Navy all together, right in a row on the same sidewalk. I had returns to take in all three stores from the day before Naki died. I knew I needed to do it, but wondered at how it would play out. I haven't shared much on here yet about how the girls are doing individually, and I don't know how much I will include. To me it is somewhat of a private journey, and respect their own healing, but at the same time feel like it would be beneficial to those around them to know what their needs are and if anything, to have some understanding into what's going on in their difficult yet marvelous lives. But I will say that Eva is currently giving me a run for my money in all parenting departments. She is purposefully belligerent and likes to find "opposition in all things", so to speak. She is quite emotional, and has high and low spikes between happy and horrible moments. Wow...I think I just described myself! I can just hear Naki saying, "Who is she named after?". Needless to say, it was an interesting shopping experience. She didn't want to go anywhere I was going, and she would just run in the opposite direction when I called her name. Truthfully, I didn't need to go to the gym afterall because I was carrying Ane, my returns, trying to keep Eli in sight, and chasing down Eva in every store. When I'd finally catch her, she'd go limp, lay prostrate in the middle of the store, and proclaim loudly, "I'm too seepy...I'm going to seep." Yeah...real fun. But we did it. Sometimes I confuse myself because I don't want like I said before, the pitying glances, but in some situations I'd just like to proclaim to everyone around by maybe me or the girls wearing a sign or something that stated, "Widow in mourning", or "This child just lost her father", or "I really am a good parent" while my child stands on the little platform in Old Navy posing with, or hugging all of the manequins and refusing to get down while she knows I can't possibly squeeze between all of them without toppling all of them over to get to her. But after all of that growth-promoting time at the stores I was lucky and blessed enough to come home to a spit-spot tidy home, freshly polished, bathrooms cleaned, garage organized, carpets with vacuum lines in them, and lunch waiting for me and the kids. What would I do without my Dad here...sorry Mom, but I don't think you're getting him back anytime soon. He is marvelous.

The next challenge for the day came after the girlies came home from school. We have a October tradition that we've done as a family ever since Line was teeny tiny. We drive over to Santaquin and go to The Red Barn where we get to chugg-along on a used-to-be-hay-ride now a tractor ride out to the pumpkin patch and the kiddos get to pick out their own pumpkins. Just a couple days before Naki died he and I had planned on doing this today. He'd even promised the girls that they could get these doughnuts that they make there that we stumbled upon last year. They're covered in granulated sugar, and smell like Fall Heaven with yummy spices and pumpkin love. So, Grandfather, the girlies, and I headed on over. And you know what? We did it...and it was surprisingly, at least for me in the moment, without tears. I think it's because doing something like that doesn't leave a lot of time for retrospective pondering...you're just too busy hollering at Lose to back up from the barbed wire fence where the horses bordered the pumpkin patch, or trying to catch Eli when she tripped on one of the water irrigation hoses and fell face first in the dirt and dried pumpkin vines, or trying to stop Eva from throwing the rocks up in the air behind her that she already swore she was sorry for but still kept sneaking around doing. She only actually hit one person with a rock, and it was one of her own sisters. Maybe after all Mom, you might get Dad back sooner than later...it gets pretty tricky and crazy around here. I'm pretty sure that throughout the day at least one person is in tears...

Between Dad and I we successfully did both dinner and baths...it was time to tackle Family Home Evening. At one point I told the girls that I didn't care if I had to yell over all the different periods of crying...usually it's one person first. Then they stop and someone else starts, etc. etc. But I told them I didn't care if I had to speak REALLY loudly, that we were going to have FHE and we were going to get blessed just for the effort of doing it. But we actually had a sweet lesson. It was the first time everyone was peaceful all at the same time...even if it was for just a couple of minutes. It felt marvelous and good. And the biggest miracle came at the very end of the day...

No One Cried Themself To Sleep!!!

This is a huge first for our house. No one needed me to stay by their bed as they cried about missing their dad. It seems that this time of day brings out the most tears. They all managed to stay in their bed, or at least when they were told to get back in their bed Niagra Falls didn't start flowing. Thus, I have to time to post.

I'm sure I'll feel like this a lot...shock that we actually made it through an entire day without Dad, and I'm even more sure that it won't feel like shock some day but will be normal. But for now, I feel so loved and lifted by my Father in Heaven that I can put my head on my pillow tonight and feel relief that I made it through yet one more day without my best friend to talk to about it.