I was overwhelmed today. So overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk. The moment came during church as I was listening to a discussion about gratitude and the things that we wanted to express gratitude for. Anyone could talk and say anything they wanted, and I was so overcome with my emotions, truly overcome, I couldn't even raise my hand. If I had, all anyone would have heard was a series of squeaks, sniffs, hand gestures, and more squeaks. I'm convinced the lady who sits behind me has started to bring tissues just for me, since she always pulls one out for me and I have yet to see her use one herself.

So I said nothing...outloud. But inside I was talking nonstop, trying to express to my Heavenly Father how much I recognize those things that I am forever grateful to Him for. My ability to finally clearly see those monumental things I call blessings astounded me, since previously even though I knew I was blessed I was still so bitter and had allowed that bitterness to taint my acknowledgement of those blessings. I am so grateful to find myself starting to come around the bend a bit from the hate and anger that have consumed my spirit for far too long, and the recognition of that was part of the reason I was speechless. I still have a bit in there, and suspect that I always will. Throughout the last 15 months I have experienced more emotions than I ever care to experience again, and more intensely than I care to experience again. But throughout all of it, I tried to do as my sister wisely counseled me to do. She told me to go ahead and let myself have that awful thought, go ahead and express that anger, go on and feel that irrational and illogical feeling, let myself be what I was in the moment. But after I had done that it was absolutely necessary to balance it with something positive, even if I had to think and think and think, and then just be able to say one thing that seemed inconsequential and didn't compare in positive value to the amount of negative value my other things held. I did it, and most days I did it grudgingly, ticked that I had to ruin my dreary and preferrably dark vision and outlook with something so nice and honest, even if it was just saying I was glad to have a washing machine, grateful that the sun was out, glad that my kids were okay with eating cereal for dinner, etc. Small things that I REALLY had to pull out of myself when I did NOT want to see the good in anything.

So imagine my shock today as I sat in church and found myself overwhelmed, just overwhelmed, as the flood of countless item after countless item, neverending acts of service given to my family, numberless blessings I've received and continue to receive, came pouring into my mind. It was so clear to me that all of those things are God's work and efforts to assure me of His love and concern for me, Naki and the girls. I was able to recognize how far I've come from those first awful awful months of despair and grief in it's truest sense. I know that over the last few months it's become easier and easier to find those positive thoughts to place as a balance to my negative ones. But today was as if a sun was bursting out right above my head and it's rays were covering me with their brightness, not to be denied or covered by any darkness I may have been feeling. It was an astounding experience.

It was the culmination of a process of emotions I've been sorting through for some time...the process of holding two opposite feelings in balance with one another. I've been struggling with it for so long. I'd been feeling like I was a walking disclaimer...no matter what smile I smiled, what laugh I laughed, what joke I told, what great book I read, what work I'd accomplished, what child I made happy, what blessing I acknowledged, I needed to give it my readily available disclaimer of "But I'm still very very very sad...you just don't see it on the outside." I'm working on developing an emotional maturity that's difficult to explain, but it requires an extreme amount of self honesty that is, quite "honestly", annoying. I actually want to be sad a lot of the time. I prefer it. It feels so comfortable, and sadness is my friend. We get each other. But if I am being honest I would be forced to admit to myself that being sad doesn't do honor to Naki. It isn't some badge of honor to walk around sad. It IS a badge of honor to take his children someplace fun and to laugh together, acknowleding in my heart that I am indeed having fun AND am extremely lonely, missing him and imagining what it would be like if he were there laughing and playing with us. It's okay to enjoy the activity with the girlies, and then to cry about it later. I can experience both emotions, and still be grateful for the many many things that God continues to give us.

This video says what my words cannot. My friend showed it to me, and I am addicted to it in every way. It is not computer aminated, but is actually done in the old fashioned way...with drawings. It is beautiful and makes me cry every time, because to me it embodies my struggles of opposing emotions and all that I feel for Naki. Enjoy. And have your tissues handy.

reaching

Last night I fell asleep laying in bed with the T.V. on. I never do that. But Naki always did. So it was the strangest experience last night when I awoke, heard the T.V. lightly in the background and saw the room lit up from it, and did what I always did. I rolled over and reached for him. I haven't done that ever. I've always known he was gone and somehow just knew even in my sleep that he wasn't beside me. I can't seem to find the words to explain how that felt last night, but it was a quick awakening when my hand rested on empty and cold sheets instead of his always warm and massive arm, leg, or chest. It didn't exactly make me sad so to speak, but just surprised me that I had the ability to still do what I'd always done after not doing it for over a year. I guess some habits are hard to break.

Yearning..

I want to hug, snuggle, punch, kiss, confide in, eat with, laugh at, dance with, pray with, rest with, play with, work with, giggle with, and much much more with this man. Oh, time can't go fast enough till I can do all of those things.

I. Miss. Him.

Cold Snow and Hot Chocolate

Okay. So in reality it was actually slushy snow and lukewarm chocolate...the snow because that's what we had to play in the day it worked into the schedule and the drink because none of them can stand actual "hot" chocolate. They were so stinkin' adorable, and I'm glad I remembered to take pics, now that my photographer moved out. (We miss you!)



Look carefully at this next picture. At first glance it seems to be a snapshot of someone making a snow angel. But it's actually a moment captured in time of Malia throwing a snowball right on Line's face as she made the snow angel.


Eli made this one...

See the snowball coming my way? I must say I was such a great sport. Playing in the snow is NOT my thing, and I know I've mentioned before that I was always the one inside making the hot chocolate while Daddy was the one playing and yucking it up out in the snow. So you should all know that double duty looks pretty interesting, at least from my point of view. One second outside, the next running inside. I wish I'd thought to count exactly how many times I ran up and down the stairs, grabbing various items they requested and making various drinks and such. It was worth it though, seeing their cute selves frolicking and squealing, with the occasional shouting at each other when they didn't like the snowballs being thrown at them, even though they all did their own fair share of the throwing.

Malia was determined to get me good...let's just say I'm glad her aim was off that day.


She fell to the ground in anguish at her inability to hit me in the face.

Reloading...



Eli thought she'd get a better angle on her snowball attacks.

Charlie sat at the screen the entire time, wishing she was right in the middle of things.

Because I kept going in and out, Boo was confused as to why I wouldn't allow her to come in and out as well. This was her way of letting me know she wanted to be done.

That is, until I gave her a sippy cup filled with her apple juice, which I swear runs through her veins. Who plays in the snow with a sippy cup? She was thrilled to have it though, and it made my life easier for a moment.

Malia orchestrated the snowman building, of course. And it's no surprise who she made the snowman into. I loved it, and the other girls got right on in with the action. Lose DOES have gloves, if you see her little red hands, it's that she just keeps not putting them away when she's asked to, and so couldn't find them at this exact moment. If you look closely you can see the snowball that Malia put in Naki the snowman's hand...






This next series of pics I know look all alike, but I put them all in this post because if you look closely, Eva and Eli's facial expressions change from one to the next, and it made me laugh looking at it. When I asked Malia to lay down in the front, Ane collapsed over like she'd been shot or something and we couldn't convince her whatsoever that only Malia needed to lay down for the picture since she was in the front. Thus, the reason she's laying flat on her back in all of these pictures.







Hope you all get to play in the snow and have some lukewarm chocolate and create fun memories too.

December Babies

In addition to all the crazy fun that December brings due to the holidays, we are lucky enough to add a bit more craziness with two December babies, Anamalia and Evaloni. I know it's so cliche to say that it's shocking when you realize how quickly time flies by us all, but to Naki and I it really does feel like just yesterday when these babes were born and we met them for the first time. Being a parent is our greatest blessing hands down and it's always such a joy to celebrate the years since they were born. Here are pics from various days when we celebrated their birthdays, from special breakfasts, decorating their own cakes and cupcakes, and birthday parties. We love you girls immensely, and pray you feel that everyday. Happy Birthday girls!

2011

No one is more surprised than I am to see happy faces on these munchkins after what has been the most difficult year of our lives. 2010 brings mixed memories and emotions for me, and it is a complete miracle that after all of it I am starting to see true glimpses of happiness on their faces. Here's to hoping that 2011 is manageable, that it brings us closer to who we want and need to be, and that we will be able to say with complete honesty that we made every effort to honor the God who gave us life and gave us each other. Happy New Year everyone.