Six Maile Chix

I was overwhelmed today. So overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk. The moment came during church as I was listening to a discussion about gratitude and the things that we wanted to express gratitude for. Anyone could talk and say anything they wanted, and I was so overcome with my emotions, truly overcome, I couldn't even raise my hand. If I had, all anyone would have heard was a series of squeaks, sniffs, hand gestures, and more squeaks. I'm convinced the lady who sits behind me has started to bring tissues just for me, since she always pulls one out for me and I have yet to see her use one herself.

So I said nothing...outloud. But inside I was talking nonstop, trying to express to my Heavenly Father how much I recognize those things that I am forever grateful to Him for. My ability to finally clearly see those monumental things I call blessings astounded me, since previously even though I knew I was blessed I was still so bitter and had allowed that bitterness to taint my acknowledgement of those blessings. I am so grateful to find myself starting to come around the bend a bit from the hate and anger that have consumed my spirit for far too long, and the recognition of that was part of the reason I was speechless. I still have a bit in there, and suspect that I always will. Throughout the last 15 months I have experienced more emotions than I ever care to experience again, and more intensely than I care to experience again. But throughout all of it, I tried to do as my sister wisely counseled me to do. She told me to go ahead and let myself have that awful thought, go ahead and express that anger, go on and feel that irrational and illogical feeling, let myself be what I was in the moment. But after I had done that it was absolutely necessary to balance it with something positive, even if I had to think and think and think, and then just be able to say one thing that seemed inconsequential and didn't compare in positive value to the amount of negative value my other things held. I did it, and most days I did it grudgingly, ticked that I had to ruin my dreary and preferrably dark vision and outlook with something so nice and honest, even if it was just saying I was glad to have a washing machine, grateful that the sun was out, glad that my kids were okay with eating cereal for dinner, etc. Small things that I REALLY had to pull out of myself when I did NOT want to see the good in anything.

So imagine my shock today as I sat in church and found myself overwhelmed, just overwhelmed, as the flood of countless item after countless item, neverending acts of service given to my family, numberless blessings I've received and continue to receive, came pouring into my mind. It was so clear to me that all of those things are God's work and efforts to assure me of His love and concern for me, Naki and the girls. I was able to recognize how far I've come from those first awful awful months of despair and grief in it's truest sense. I know that over the last few months it's become easier and easier to find those positive thoughts to place as a balance to my negative ones. But today was as if a sun was bursting out right above my head and it's rays were covering me with their brightness, not to be denied or covered by any darkness I may have been feeling. It was an astounding experience.

It was the culmination of a process of emotions I've been sorting through for some time...the process of holding two opposite feelings in balance with one another. I've been struggling with it for so long. I'd been feeling like I was a walking disclaimer...no matter what smile I smiled, what laugh I laughed, what joke I told, what great book I read, what work I'd accomplished, what child I made happy, what blessing I acknowledged, I needed to give it my readily available disclaimer of "But I'm still very very very sad...you just don't see it on the outside." I'm working on developing an emotional maturity that's difficult to explain, but it requires an extreme amount of self honesty that is, quite "honestly", annoying. I actually want to be sad a lot of the time. I prefer it. It feels so comfortable, and sadness is my friend. We get each other. But if I am being honest I would be forced to admit to myself that being sad doesn't do honor to Naki. It isn't some badge of honor to walk around sad. It IS a badge of honor to take his children someplace fun and to laugh together, acknowleding in my heart that I am indeed having fun AND am extremely lonely, missing him and imagining what it would be like if he were there laughing and playing with us. It's okay to enjoy the activity with the girlies, and then to cry about it later. I can experience both emotions, and still be grateful for the many many things that God continues to give us.

This video says what my words cannot. My friend showed it to me, and I am addicted to it in every way. It is not computer aminated, but is actually done in the old fashioned way...with drawings. It is beautiful and makes me cry every time, because to me it embodies my struggles of opposing emotions and all that I feel for Naki. Enjoy. And have your tissues handy.