Dear Babe,

I miss you. Why don't you ever come visit me? I know you can...

Me.

Training Wheels WILL NOT do me in today..

Ginny left for Idaho this past Thursday for a quick trip to see all the fam. When she returned last night, it felt so natural to sit with one another and fill each other in on all of the details of both of our last couple of days. I know that once she moves on from this temporary time with us, I will miss having someone know the ins and outs of my life and my everyday activities, triumphs, heartaches, and struggles. For now, Bless You! Ginny, for sitting through all of those conversations and just letting me talk about nothing. It's quite healing.

I can't remember exactly how we started talking about this topic, but we started talking about people we went to high school with. It started a very fun and crazy hour of sitting on Facebook looking all sorts of old friends up. I had a moment of realization, as I often do every single day, where I discovered something else I am grieving over. I had hoped to someday take Naki back to where I grew up...show him that marvelous house and property, take him on a tour past the Amish barns, go see the Hill Cumorah Pageant together, and maybe even visit my old church building. Even though High School Reunions aren't really my thing, I couldn't wait for the day when I could walk back into a room filled with my teenage peers with him on my arm...the Ultimate Prize. How giddy I felt at the thought of having the opportunity to show all of my old friends that yes, the Abby who never had dates anywhere, who never seemed to catch the attention of any of the boys she deemed attention-worthy, and who felt all-around backwards in most situations, had somehow managed to snag the best-looking, most friendly, the complete life of every party, and biggest in personality and stature person around. Naki. All mine. Last night as I lay in bed I was broken hearted to think that I'll never have that opportunity to show off my Trophy-Husband! I realized that I define myself by him. When people meet me, I don't feel like they actually meet all of me until they meet him, too. I started trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Can I figure out myself without him? Can I walk in a room and feel like a whole person without him by my side? I don't think so. It then occurred to me that as much as I love where I live, who my friends are, and who knows my family right now, they all know our ENTIRE family, including Naki. It is an absolute that there are going to be people in mine and the girls' lives that will never have met him. How can that be possible? I don't want it to be possible. This discovery just broke me apart last night, and when all I wanted to do was fall asleep it seemed that I couldn't stop crying long enough to enter into rest. As a result, my morning started on very little sleep, puffy eyes, and a huge headache. My day went as follows:

*Wake
*Make Bed (I have a goal to always make my bed, so that when everything else is falling apart, I know I accomplished at least one thing!)
*Have Family Scripture Study and Family Prayer
*Get kiddos dressed, teeth brushed, breakfast fed, and off to school
*Drop other kiddos at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house
*Workout (Ran 5 miles today! WooHoo!)
*Picked up the kiddos from Mom and Dad's
*Headed over to meet my Mandy...a former mission companion
*Played at park with kids and Mandy and her baby
*Picked up free Kneaders bread and distributed it to some Family
*Headed home for lunch and eventually laid kiddos down for their naps
*Blogged about fundraiser
*Took a much needed shower
*Headed outside to work on the yard (my favorite part of the day) Spring is definitely here!
*Trimmed all of Perennials I planted last year
*Cleaned out all flower beds
*Dug around all 6 trees, 5 of which we planted last year, to apply their spring fertilizer (weeded at the same time)
*Moved rocks around to different beds
*Planted perennial grasses that had been left out of the ground all winter (I'm crossing my fingers that they grow)
*Negotiated with the Comcast cable buriers who were trying to figure out how to bury my backyard neighbors' cable line in my yard
*Organized the troops in an effort to pick up all the scraps, cardboard, carpet pad remnants, plywood, tile leftovers, plastic wrappers, screws, nails, and such that had been resting underneath the snow all winter and had recently been unearthed when the backyard snow melted
*Pulled all the bikes, scooters, and helmets out of the garage for an inventory to match bike and helmet sizes to children's sizes
*Figured out how to work the air pump machine thingy and put air in all the girls' tires
*Loaded the kiddos in the car and headed to Walmart to pick out the missing pieces from the inventory and also to let Eli pick out her first item earned on her Kitty Chart
*Shopped and did damage control from when Lose was supposed to be pushing Ane in the cart calmly back and forth in the Garden section (which is by the bike and pet section) but instead was doing wheelies and donuts which resulted in Ane being tipped over in the Walmart Shopping Cart...I really LOVED this moment, being the target of all the penetrating and accusatory stares of the other shoppers
*Purchasing all the necessary items only to reach the car and realize my error...6 children + 1 mom + 1 minivan + 2 bikes and assorted shopping bags = an impossible situation...It was quite possible I could have been decapitated on the ride home
*Got everyone in the house, fed them dinner, had family home evening, and then sent everyone back outside to ride their newly acquired bikes (whether from the store or from inheriting their older sister's bike from last year)
*Attempted to assemble Eli's training wheels while convincing Eva she didn't need to peer in the next door neighbors' windows while they were eating dinner or continue to knock on their front door, and while making sure Ane stayed out of the road, and while making sure the kiddos weren't turning their bikes around in anyone's driveway that had cars parked in them, and while clenching my jaw together just waiting for the first bike accident of the season

I don't list all of the things that I did today as some proverbial pat on my back. I do it as an exercise of clarity for myself to not sweat the small stuff. Because it was at this point that I lost it. C'mon...we all knew it was coming. I'm running on vurry vurry little sleep at this point. What I've failed to mention is that bikes are Naki's territory. I never do the bike stuff. I'm very good at the shopping for them part, of course, but not the tire pumping, chain replacing, helmet tightening, and definitely not the training wheel assembling parts. I thought I had it going just fine, until I absolutely could not get the training wheels to tighten to the bike itself. Now, I have to write at this point in this post, that I'm going to finish them. Don't anyone feel badly for me and sneak into my garage to finish them for me. I will get it. I refuse to listen to little Eli's advice, "Mom, why don't you just have one of our Uncles do it?", repeated over and over, every oh, 2 minutes or so.

I. Can. Do. This.

But it was when I was trying so hard to not throw Naki's wrench across the yard, and when I was wheeling her bike into the garage because it was now too dark outside to carry on any longer, and when I heard the parts I'd assembled so far fall off and roll somewhere into a dark crevice on my garage floor, that I started making that list in my head. The list of what I'd actually accomplished today. Just because this one segment of my day was a failure, albeit a temporary one (because I WILL finish it), it was such a disservice to myself to get all worked up and pissy to everyone around me when in fact I'd accomplished such great things today for a woman who woke up feeling completely broken inside. This is my plug to you all to not sweat the small stuff. Talk yourself down from the ledge you want to jump off of and take a step back..or two, or three, to see what you've actually done. Training Wheels will not do me in today.

Fireside Fundraiser

For about the last year before Naki died he participated in a Fireside Group with his brother Junior and their good friends the Fano brothers. They would prepare special thoughts about their feelings and experiences in developing a personal testimony of their ultimate Brother, the Savior, and also prepared musical numbers to sing in addition to their thoughts. They would travel around the valley, speaking and singing, as often as anyone would ask them to come. I'll admit. I loved hearing them sing and speak, but it was often difficult to attend because of trying to convince the girls that they could sit quietly for another hour on a Sunday evening after they'd already done so for our weekly church meetings in the morning. How I regret that. I wish I'd attended more so the girls could hear their Dad sing and share his deepest feelings of love for the Savior and for his family. Recently he and his brother proposed to the group that they should do some fundraising so that they could travel to Florida, where Naki was raised, and spend time there doing a Fireside Tour. Talk about devotion and ambition! I remember him telling me that he wanted to do that...get enough money together to be able to go back home and invite his friends and family to come and be touched in their hearts about something so sweet and so necessary as gaining a personal relationship with God. He was super excited about it...what am I saying. He was always super excited about his future plans! After he died, the guys he was singing with approached me and told me that they wanted to carry through Naki's plans still, and that they wanted the girlies and I to come along with them. These kind of things are so bittersweet for me. They are things I know I should do in his honor but can be so painful doing because of his absence.

One of the fundraisers we'll be doing over the next couple of months is a BBQ lunch plate. I'm posting the flyer here so you can read the info on it. I can guarantee that it will be yummy food. (Why do you think I can never lose any weight? These guys cook way too often and the food is way too delicious to resist.) We are hoping that anyone who sees this flyer will perhaps pass it along to people at your workplace, be it a business, school, or just your own home! If you're interested in contributing to our group's fundraiser, please email me at thamailez@yahoo.com with the following info:

Your Name
# of Plates
Phone #/Email

I thank everyone in advance who decides to help our group out with this idea. We are excited to get to Florida and to do what Naki had originally planned. (And yes, even though the girlies and I never sang before even though they asked PLENTY, we have decided we should in honor of Dad...uuugh. If I could just get over singing in public! Why is it always easier to sing at home or in my car?)

New Music

Music has always played a powerful role in my life. It evokes emotions within me that I'm not always aware I feel and brings to the surface those emotions I've known I've felt but haven't always been able to adequately express. I love hearing my thoughts expressed and sung so beautifully. I used to find comfort in songs about true love, being parents, and about all things that tie me to this earth. A friend told me something one of her nurses told her once, and it is exactly how I feel. She said,

"Ever since my husband died, I have never felt quite the same attachment to this earthly world."

Now those songs I used to listen to, although I still love them, don't hold as much meaning for me as they once used to. I've also discovered that I do better emotionally if I do not listen to them all the time. Hearing songs that focus on things that currently do not apply to me only bring frustration, bitterness, and a never-ending stream of questions mixed with tears. Of course there is nothing wrong with these songs. But for me they interfere with my ability to think positively and to keep my eyes focused Heavenward. I have started listening to a Christian music station in the car. This music is completely uplifting, motivating, and captures my new emotions and oft times conflicted thoughts in this new reality of mine. These songs help me to think and look at my experiences through an eternal perspective rather than an earthly or temporal/temporary one. Of course, there are some I like more than others, as I hear those songs that resonate truth within me.

Enjoy.

It's gone, but He isn't

Today was the day. I looked at it, that toothbrush barometer, spoke outloud to Naki and told Him that I can't wait to see his pearly white grin looking down at me some day soon, and then tossed it in the trash can. Oh...the flosser got a nod of acknowledgement too, even though I'm not so sure he used it as often as his toothbrush.

Help the computer illiterate...

I have the most adorable video of Eli, discussing the whole kitty thing. It's about 8 minutes long, and I really REALLY want to post it on here. Each time I try, it just sits uploading forever and never actually finishes. I tried to upload it on youtube and after a bit of uploading received error reports. What the heck is going on? I had no problems uploading the video on my previous post, and it had no problems. Both videos were recorded the same night, so the only difference that I can see is the length of the videos. Any suggestions? You all just HAVE to see this video of my sassy Eli.

Jack

When the kitchen started getting underway and we started eating in the garage shortly after Thanksgiving, our sweet friends insisted that we come over and eat our meals at their house. I couldn't bring myself to intrude THAT much, and so we compromised and we only intrude for breakfast. They live right across the tennis courts by our house and a couple of footsteps away from the school. I drop off the girls at their house every weekday morning where they get to eat breakfast...way much better breakfast than what they get at my house. I know that because the girls have told me. Ahem...manners, girls. They're still going over there, because when I told them that we could now eat breakfast at our house, they started to cry in serious anguish.



Our friends are the proud owners of two sweet cats, which at first brought no small amount of terror to some of the girlies' hearts...Eli battled her fear of them versus her desire to see them with not the MOST finesse. Watching her take the long walk up their sidewalk each morning that takes her past the bushes where the cats sometimes hide was a combination of entertainment and annoyance for me. (Look at that goober vs. just get inside the dang house already, Eli!) Imagine my surprise one morning when I went to pick up Eli one morning to find her completely attached to those kitties... petting them, feeding them, loving on them, looking for them if she couldn't immediately see them. She refused to leave, adamant in her stance that she must have a cat. She's since learned that she doesn't have to sob everytime it's time to leave, although I still have to be pretty convincing in my persuasion technique. I pushed her arguments and pleadings for a cat out of my mind. In the past when I knew I wasn't prepared for a dog as a pet, I'd tried to convince Naki that a cat would be a pretty good compromise but that never took me very far. He apparently was somewhat traumatized as a boy watching his younger brother get pretty scratched up by a cat and would never be the same towards the species. After Eli made such a spectacle the thought, accompanied by a fair amount of guilt, came to me that I could in fact now get her one. Uuugh. I hate all the guilt I feel about so many different things. But this one felt awful...almost like a bit of betrayal. All over a cat, for heaven's sake! So, I just let the idea ruminate in me for a while without telling Eli that I'd been considering it.



Eli does not like change. What am I saying. None of us around here these days like change. But ESPECIALLY her. So at the first of the year when her Primary class moved to a new teacher, it did not go smoothly. With the exception of this last Sunday, it still hasn't been going smoothly, that being the understatement of the year. It took her more than half of last year to finally adapt to her teachers. She knows that once she conquered her fears last year she had the best time and has been able to realize that the same happiness is attainable for her with her new teacher. Her fear of the unknown factors of that process just overwhelm her and terrorize her. The sweet women who work with her week in and week out, who gently crouch down to meet her at her level, who endure her scorn and withering glances, who don't take offense at her biting and hurtful remarks, who try to creatively work with her to try and understand her, who try so hard to honor what I want as her mother, deserve such Heavenly Honor for all their loving efforts. I could think of no other method, idea, clever manuevering, or sincere relating to her how I knew she'd feel having accomplished something that was so fearful for her. All had worked before.



As I sat with her a couple of weeks ago on the floor in the hall outside the Primary Room, I knew in an instant what she needed. I immediately felt resolved, calm, and guilt free. I looked her in the eye and asked her if she felt she was ready to be the proud, new owner of her very own kitty. Only God knows us best, and He knew exactly what would help give her the confidence and strength to do something she is so very afraid of. The only thing that held her back a bit in accepting the plan was the worry for her Uncle that he might not be okay around her kitty. I assured her that we could always shut her new baby in her room until anyone who was slightly afraid of it had left, as so many people have done for her when she's visited houses where a cat resides. We devised a plan where she gets to earn one sticker to place on her Kitty Poster for sitting with her class during the first hour of Primary, and yet another for actually attending her class during the second hour. Each time she's earned four stickers, she gets to go shop with me to pick up one of the neccessary items required when one is to be a cat owner. After she's earned all 8 items, it will be time to visit a shelter to get the actual cat. If she chooses to not attend either hour on any given Sunday, then that is one sticker she must remove that she'd previously earned. She is simply giddy with the idea of getting her very own cat. I think I'm getting more and more used to the idea, too. Especially since she actually walked straight to the Primary Room without a single problem. Hopefully she'll have worked through these fears by the time she has to switch teachers next year...I'm fresh out of ideas. God's gonna have to plant another one in my head when the need arises, and I know He will.



Two weeks ago I noticed a cat paroling the fence in our back yard. Imagine our surprise when we discovered a cat who'd picked us! Not that we're keeping him...we've discovered who his owners are. But the timing was kinda fun. It started getting a bit more comfortable and made it's way into our yard at the same time every day. We were shocked to see it make it's way up to our kitchen porch doors...I think it about jolted Ane right out of her little self, since it's nose peering into the window was exactly at her eye level. These pics I caught were after he'd walked a bit away. We've learned that we need to stop referring to our little visitor as a "He". He is a She, who's owners made the same error and named her Jack. So, Jack comes to visit us now and then. It's been fun seeing Ane peer out the door, waiting for Jack to come and say hi.

Last night Eli worked on her poster with Lose's assistance. It was adorable, and Eli was so proud to be able to place her first two stickers.