Daddy's Jack-O-Lantern

After Line and Malia's volleyball practice one day we made a quick stop at the cemetary to take Daddy's pumpkin and treats to his grave. He is the master pumpkin carver, and was always carving the scariest pumpkins, freehand, to impress all us girls who usually chose to carve silly faces on ours instead. So the last year he was alive he was quite pleased with himself when he managed to surprise us all by carving a "Y" for BYU instead of the usual frightful face. We loved it, of course! I decided it was only right to bring one to the cemetary for him this year, as well as his most favoritist treats EVER, Reeces Peanut Butter Cups. We lit the candle, sang our traditonal song that we always sing after we've lit it, and sat down and ate some treats together. It was quick, chilly, and perfect. I really really really miss him, and can't wait for the day when I don't have to feel sad anymore. Today the sorrow and grief feel a bit overwhelming, but I remember that day it didn't. We were all laughing, and totally loving scarfing down our treats. Happy pumpking carving, Babe. Hope you liked yours.

# 85

Some time ago my friend posted a sort of "bucket list" on her blog. #85 on the list was to hike the Y, something that I was shocked to learn that she and her husband hadn't ever done, and they grew up here! She and I had talked about it back when she'd posted it, that when she was ready to do it, we'd love to go with her. Time is blurred to me right now, and I can't remember if she wrote her bucket list before or after Naki died...hmmm...weird how that happens. We finally decided it was time to stop talking about doing it and just go do it. The timing couldn't have been better. The Saturday that fit into both of our schedules turned out to be the 23rd of October, a date I'm not terribly fond of, since Naki was buried on that date. But I knew that accomplishing something great on that day would help replace all those negative emotions with some positive ones instead.

Hiking the Y for me has nothing but positive Naki memories. I will never forget the images I have in my memory of him doing something that was hard for him but he did it anyway. Having the extra knowledge now about how his heart was actually functioning makes it even more unbelievable. He has set a fantastic standard for me, and so as I imagined carrying Ane on my back and convincing Eva to hike all the way up for her first time by herself, he was my inspiration. Don't be fooled by the pictures with Eva smiling. I didn't even realize she smiled! My memories of Eva during the hike were not of a smiling girlie...although I guess these pics were taken at the beginning and the end. It helped me to not freak out at Eva, knowing that the Jordans were being so sweet and so patient with us. I'm positive that it could have been a much smoother experience for them, had we not been there. Let's be honest. Almost every person we come in contact with would have an easier experience were we not there. But the Jordans welcomed us with open arms, and even though this hike was about Cyndi's #85, by allowing us to come along it helped me to create a new and much more positive experience to connect with October 23rd. Thanks so very much for allowing us to hike with you, Jordan family!

Benefit Concert

I felt disbelief that October 16th was almost here. Time feels so strange...it can move so slowly and yet can simultaneously feel as if it has gone by quickly. I know that there is much about life yet to be enjoyed, and have a sense of amazement that I can even admit that now, but at the same time I loved knowing that a year had happened quicker than I could have hoped for. I love the idea of being old and almost done with mortality. Finding myself on the eve of the worst day of my life felt surreal.

I had been thinking and thinking for quite some time about how to mark this day for the girls in a way that was appropriate emotionally for them. I didn't want it to be a day of remembered sorrow necessarily, but I wanted to honor Naki by remembering it. It's obviously not a day worthy of celebrating, and yet it would be wrong to not do something significant on that day. Hmmm...I thought and thought and thought. Truth be told, if I didn't have any children I would have skipped the day entirely...slept through it, stayed in my pajamas, watched tv in bed, eaten all the worst foods ever, and would have hidden in my bedroom until it was over. So when Junior and Mona told me what they wanted to do for us, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and yet disappointed at not being able to hide, which if I was being honest with myself I know it would never have happened anyway. It turned out to be one of those experiences where God knew what I needed, and also knew that I wasn't going to figure that out on my own. This benefit concert was p.e.r.f.e.c.t. I was so shocked to realize that Junior and Mona had been inspired with the answers to the questions that I had been asking for over two months. They knew the exact
way that we were supposed to mark this day. Although it was extremely difficult for me to be surrounded by people that knew me but I didn't know them, (you know me and my social issues), it was way more extremely overwhelming to see everyone's love and generosity, in a good way. The girls were thrilled to see so many people that they love all in one place all at the same time. The best part of the whole night for me was getting to watch the girls be happy on a day that I didn't think happiness could exist. They were laughing, giggling, dancing, jumping up and down, eating delicious goodies that our sweet fam spent hours and hours baking, hugging and loving on friends and family, running around playing games, and just having the best time. I don't have the words to thank all the people that made this night so special. I'm just so amazed at how beautiful the weather was, how perfect the location was, how smoothly it was organized, and how enjoyable all the performances were. I'm sure that I'm leaving someone or something out of this thank you, but in doing so please know that I am astonished at the entire evening and all that went into making it an evening that my girls still talk about with smiles and happy memories, exactly as it should be.

I didn't bring my camera that evening, but Ginny remembered hers. So these are pictures from her camera that she somehow managed to take in the midst of juggling Ane. Thanks Gin.

I Know Better

Okay, Just kidding. After writing it out, and then returning to the scene of the mess, I couldn't walk away from it knowing that our babies would wake to such a disgusting mess. I'm cleaning it right this minute. What was I thinking?

gross

I have two days worth of dishes and a weeks worth of laundry, sitting and staring at me, waiting for me to do them. The question is, when? I'm not sure what's happening, but I have zilch energy for anything. With the exception of last night, I've fallen asleep around 7:30 for about 4 or 5 nights in a row. Just crashed, without even realizing it until I wake up around 1 or 2 in the morning on the couch. I get Ane and Eva in bed before that, so it's just the four older girlies sitting up, either reading or watching tv at night, and I just fall asleep sitting with them. I. Am. Tired. This is not me whining, but instead it's kind of a question out loud...Can I get it together? Those dishes and laundry are not going to wash themselves, and my daily schedule is now such that I have no catch up days. I either do it daily or it piles up. So, I'm about to put them to bed right now and I can barely keep my eyes open, and I know I won't do it after they go to sleep, because I'm going to bed too.

I'm considering taking the afternoon off tomorrow from all of our responsibilities just because I need a day of nothing, and I haven't had one of those for a while. You know, the kind of day where everyone is just wandering sweetly from activity to activity while I clean up around here.

I'm considering it. Is that bad? I need to get my energy levels back up. All I want to do all day every day is sleep. This frustrates me. I thought I was past this...guess not.

Suggestions?

We were waiting for a call sometime in the morning to alert us that Beesley was on their way over to the cemetary to place Naki's headstone. It came at the perfect time. The following is the series of photos I took of the whole process. The men were so sensitive and accomodating, and even let Naki's dad take some of the grass from Naki's plot home with him. One thing I learned as they were placing the headstone was that all along we'd been placing flowers and cards over Naki's feet instead of his head...sorry babe. Apparently here in this cemetary all the dead are buried with their heads on the west so that when resurrected, as our religion believes all will be, they will rise to the east. I did not know that...one more thing I've learned. I did know that the man is always buried on the left with his wife on the right. It was strange to see my name on a headstone...quite a reality check. Not until we were leaving did I realize that I had designed my own headstone, something not everyone gets to do. Then I realized that I'd spent so much thought and time about what Naki's headstone should look like that it hadn't occurred to think what I would want on mine. Turns out that what I want on mine is already there.

It really was the perfect day, and I was so so so thrilled with how it turned out. I hadn't realized in designing it how massive it would end up being, but I love that it's larger than life, just like my Baby.





This last picture is a sample of some photos that our dear friend took on the 16th when we were up at the cemetary. I can't wait to see the rest of them.