I Know Better

Okay, Just kidding. After writing it out, and then returning to the scene of the mess, I couldn't walk away from it knowing that our babies would wake to such a disgusting mess. I'm cleaning it right this minute. What was I thinking?

gross

I have two days worth of dishes and a weeks worth of laundry, sitting and staring at me, waiting for me to do them. The question is, when? I'm not sure what's happening, but I have zilch energy for anything. With the exception of last night, I've fallen asleep around 7:30 for about 4 or 5 nights in a row. Just crashed, without even realizing it until I wake up around 1 or 2 in the morning on the couch. I get Ane and Eva in bed before that, so it's just the four older girlies sitting up, either reading or watching tv at night, and I just fall asleep sitting with them. I. Am. Tired. This is not me whining, but instead it's kind of a question out loud...Can I get it together? Those dishes and laundry are not going to wash themselves, and my daily schedule is now such that I have no catch up days. I either do it daily or it piles up. So, I'm about to put them to bed right now and I can barely keep my eyes open, and I know I won't do it after they go to sleep, because I'm going to bed too.

I'm considering taking the afternoon off tomorrow from all of our responsibilities just because I need a day of nothing, and I haven't had one of those for a while. You know, the kind of day where everyone is just wandering sweetly from activity to activity while I clean up around here.

I'm considering it. Is that bad? I need to get my energy levels back up. All I want to do all day every day is sleep. This frustrates me. I thought I was past this...guess not.

Suggestions?

We were waiting for a call sometime in the morning to alert us that Beesley was on their way over to the cemetary to place Naki's headstone. It came at the perfect time. The following is the series of photos I took of the whole process. The men were so sensitive and accomodating, and even let Naki's dad take some of the grass from Naki's plot home with him. One thing I learned as they were placing the headstone was that all along we'd been placing flowers and cards over Naki's feet instead of his head...sorry babe. Apparently here in this cemetary all the dead are buried with their heads on the west so that when resurrected, as our religion believes all will be, they will rise to the east. I did not know that...one more thing I've learned. I did know that the man is always buried on the left with his wife on the right. It was strange to see my name on a headstone...quite a reality check. Not until we were leaving did I realize that I had designed my own headstone, something not everyone gets to do. Then I realized that I'd spent so much thought and time about what Naki's headstone should look like that it hadn't occurred to think what I would want on mine. Turns out that what I want on mine is already there.

It really was the perfect day, and I was so so so thrilled with how it turned out. I hadn't realized in designing it how massive it would end up being, but I love that it's larger than life, just like my Baby.





This last picture is a sample of some photos that our dear friend took on the 16th when we were up at the cemetary. I can't wait to see the rest of them.

Malia

Malia said to me the other night while we were eating a salad at dinner, "Man, I wish my taste buds could fall in love with healthy food...but they are in love with other things instead".

That's exactly how I feel! *sigh* Eating healthy is something I know I'm supposed to do, but it's so hard when those taste buds of ours are just in love with other things.

I wouldn't have done it any other way. Waiting until I was ready to do Naki's headstone has turned out to be the most touching experience. I was unsure what exactly I wanted on it, and even went to the cemetary several times with the girlies and our camera. We'd walk around, taking pictures of headstones that had wording, or designs, or pictures on them that we liked. For a long time the ground was too frozen to put a headstone in the ground, and so I didn't feel any pressure to move on with a task that I never wanted to be assigned in the first place. One day I felt that it was time...I can't describe it any better than that. Literally one day, as I was ruminating over it in my mind as I'd been doing for months, I knew exactly what I wanted it to look like. It was then that I contacted Beesley Monuments, which was the business I knew I'd use because one of my dear friends' baby's headstone came from there. I liked them because they allow you to have handprints put in the bordering cement of the granite headstone. I thought it would be perfect to do that with Naki's. So the ball was officially rolling. With some adjustments made to it along the way which equaled more waiting time, it seems perfect that it's readiness is coinciding with his one year anniversary. For me it feels like a beautiful way to mark the first year of his death. Yesterday I checked the girls out of school and the school was also accomodating and allowed me to slip away as well so that we could get the girlies' handprints in the cement. The men there were so sweet and obliging, and I loved every minute of it.

















By the way, the men there at Beesley told me that they are terribly sad to see this headstone leave their shop. It turned out so beautifully that they've sold several more just by showing it to people. Apparantly I have exquisite taste not only in my choice of husband, but in his headstone too...