Confession

Several months ago I received the strongest impression that it was time for me to get started on one of the new responsibilities that Naki's death has brought into my life...working. I bucked at the idea, hid from it, and yelled about it mentally until I knew I could avoid it no more. At first I was trying to figure out what to go back to school for. After several weeks at studying it out with zero results that felt right, it occurred to me that it would be just fine if I worked part time right now until I figured it out. I immediately emailed the Principle at the girlies' school to inform him that I was looking for a part time job. I find no coincidence that my impressions to start working, and at the school, resulted in a job almost immediately. The situation is perfect. It is a job that requires no preparation on my part. I am a teacher's aide in the Kindergarten. Eli is in Kindergarten this year, and so I am lucky that they are allowing her to shadow me for an hour after her class is excused, as I have to stay an hour later after she would normally go home. I cannot get used to not being at home, even if it's only for 4 hours in the morning, with my two littlest ones. It is the worst feeling to be apart from them. By the time I get home they are going down for a nap, and then when they wake I no longer have any one on one time with them since their sisters are home from school. I shouldn't complain. It is very hard for me nonetheless. As a result I can't work out after the girls go to school like I did last year. That's why the only time slot I have for exercise is before the whole day even begins.

I'm ashamed to confess that since working out on Monday morning I have been unable to arise so dang early. How am I going to fit it in to my schedule? The reason I'm unable to wake up so early is obvious to me because it's not a new one. By the time I get all the kid's in bed after doing all our responsibilities, dinner, baths, and reading, I'm pooped. All I want to do is veg and do nothing for an hour or two. When I go to bed immediately after the girls do it makes me feel like I'm running in a rat race, knowing that I'll only wake up in what feels like an instant, to start the whole process over again. I have learned that in order to survive my life I need time to be Abby, not just Mom. And so I use that time after they go to bed to read a book, study, write in my journal (my blog), or watch television. I feel like the only way I could possibly wake up so early would be if I went to bed earlier, and I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice the only time I have for myself. This is my confession for the day.

Eli also had a confession this morning, but not in words as much as an overwhelming, powerful, and suffocating smell of my perfume. She was supposed to be collecting the laundry, and instead came to breakfast with almost visible cloying whorls of Chloe Narcisse, the perfume I used to wear but haven't for some time. When we first got married Naki always used to make choking sounds and motions when he'd walk into the bathroom after I'd sprayed it. I learned that a small dose goes a long way. Eli thinks I have spies around the house. She is amazed at my ability to tell what she's been doing when I couldn't see her! Now I'm the one walking around, making choking sounds and motions every time she walks by me.

Maybe I should somehow apply the perfume concept of a little goes a long way to my time at night. Instead of two hours alone I'll have to suffice with a half hour...I don't know if it'll be enough, but I guess I can try it.

Today was my first day starting my new exercise schedule. The only time slot open for me to work out, sadly, is at 5 a.m. Puke, puke, puke. It's only 1:59 and I am draaaaggggging...*yawn*.

Line

Line surprised me today. When I asked her to please take Ane on a walk for 15 minutes around the block, she balked completely, and let me know very clearly her displeasure at the idea. This was a reaction that I've just recently started to see from her, followed very quickly afterwards with a sincere apology and a request for my forgiveness. When the timing was appropriate I tried to talk to her about her actions and how to not necessarily change the way she was feeling, but to change the way she allowed those feelings to affect the way she treated me. Shortly after our talk I couldn't find her anywhere. I called her name several times without any response. Immediately I thought that perhaps she'd run away. The notion of her doing such a thing seems ridiculous. Not Line. But her other behavior choices recently have seemed so out of character that I wondered. My fear was quickly calmed, as she was just down in her bathroom.

When she eventually came upstairs I told her that she had freaked me out! I shared with her my freaked-out notions that she'd perhaps run away, followed by asking her, "You'd never do that, would you?" She paused, much too long for my taste, and said, "Uhhh, in my drama-mixed-up head, yes."

Mom: Where would you go?
Line: Just to the park, and I'd live in the tree that I always climb in.
Mom: Well, at least I know where to look if I can never find you.
Line: I'd just sneak into parties at the park and eat their food, pretending I was invited. I'd come back home when it got too cold.
Mom: I bet you'd get pretty stinky, never getting a shower or anything.
Line: Oh, I'd wash in the drinking fountains, although I wouldn't do it in public. I'd wait until no one was around.
Mom: What is it about the park that is so enticing?
Line: Just being able to be alone sometime.
Mom: Well, I could arrange that. What about if you went into the backyard in the hammock, and I made sure no one else went into the backyard for an hour or so?
Line: (after a thoughtful pause) Okay...I guess that would work.

Oh, she and her dramatic mind kill me sometimes. I appreciated how it took us from a place of frustration with each other to a place of humor and giggling. Thanks Line.

This time of year is and isn't one of my favorites. Today the air smelled so sweet and fresh, the sun shone, it rained, there was a constant breeze, and you can just feel the change of the seasons and the year in the air. I've always adored that about the fall. Kids are back in school, schedules are once again in place, BYU Football is back after what seemed like a forever long hiatus, and the air just kind of buzzes with the hopeful expectations that come with the changing season. I'm frustrated this year, because one of my favorite seasons will forever be tainted...tainted with the death of my Baby, Naki. I can no longer experience this time of year without associating it with my "after". There are falls before Naki died, and from now on every fall will be one that occurs after he died. I don't like that.

Every year he would sit down with me and tell me the dates, times, and channels that the BYU games would be televised on, and I would put them in my phone to ensure I would never miss it. Not only have two, maybe three, games passed me by without my knowledge, but on the games that I have remembered and watched portions, it has been so difficult to enjoy them. Not because they lost! But because I didn't realize that my enjoyment from watching the games included sitting up late at night to watch the news coverage with Naki and hearing all of his insights and insider info on the players and the game. It's just not the same as it was with him involved, watching people that despite my love for the game and for the team I just cannot get that excited about. It's almost more painful to watch than it is to not watch. Even I'M shocked at the thought that I could skip a game and be okay. But just like every other hard thing that his death has brought into my life, I refuse to shrink under the weight of a difficult thing. I make sure that I have the game on and the girls wearing their BYU gear, if I can remember it. Tonight I found the schedule myself and put it into my phone so I won't be frustrated to realize that half of the game has happened without my watching it.

We're approaching pumpkin season, one of Naki's favorites. He always took on the job of carving and helping the girls with their carvings. I saw some pumpkins for sale today for the first time, and it took me immediately back to all the fun times we've had with those carving sessions. Chaotic times, but fun ones for sure. I was surprised to hear one of the girls ask me when they noticed the pumpkins too, "Mom, how are we going to do the pumpkin patch this year without Daddy?" We mostly go to the same place every year to get our pumpkins, and last year's visit seems so unreal when I think about it. My Dad came with us and helped carry all of the pumpkins that the girls picked, and my sister and family came from Nevada the night we were carving and helped with that. It surprised me to realize that for some of the girls last year's visit was somewhat of a blur, too. They hadn't remembered that this would be the second time to do it without Dad. To them the thought of doing it without him still felt as fresh as if we hadn't already experienced it without him.

We're approaching October 16th, and I'm trying to figure out exactly how I feel about reaching my first year landmark of Naki's death. Could it really be approaching so quickly? How exactly does time do that...Seem to move so slow and yet we're simultaneously looking back trying to figure out how it went by so quickly? When I was putting in the football schedule into my phone tonight I discovered that there is a game on the 16th as well as one the following week on the 23rd, which was the day he was buried. I don't know how I feel about that. What exactly does someone do on such a day? It is something to be acknowledged, for sure. But I'm still thinking through how to do it so that the girls don't feel any more down or solemn than necessary, at the same time trying to create calm and peaceful memories for them to remember. When Naki died the ground wasn't the right temperature to install a headstone, so I didn't worry about rushing into that decision in any way. As several months passed and spring approached, I knew that I neeeded to get my feet moving, but just couldn't bring myself to do something so final, as silly as that sounds. Like there's anything more final than not living, breathing, and waking with my husband. I finally did it, went to the Monument business that a friend had recommended, and started getting the engraving sketched up. We decided that a photo would be a good thing for the girls to have on it, so that the younger ones hopefully would be able to more clearly understand where Daddy's body is, and that portion of the process has taken longer than I expected. I was beyond thrilled when I called them this week to check on things to hear that they'd received the picture in the mail, back from the company they'd sent it to, and that the actual engraving should start this week. I had been praying that it would be finished and in the ground before his one year mark. I would do it all the same again, as far as waiting to order it as long as I did, but even so I really really wanted it to be finished and in the ground by October 16th. It looks like it should be finished with time to spare.

Line told me the other night that this time of year makes her think of Dad dying, just like me. She is such a worrier, as are some of the others. They just don't feel the impulse and urge to share their worries like Line does. She couldn't sleep the other night, for fear that I would be dead in the morning. She said that she was just starting to feel a bit better about our altered life, and knew that she just wouldn't be able to handle starting the whole grieving process over again should something happen to me. That girl's mind and mine are so similar in many ways. I agreed with her, that it would indeed be hard to start all over again. Once you've experienced death it's so easy to walk around, just waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I wish I could make guarantees to her, that no more bad things will happen that she will feel grief for, but I just can't do that. I did tell her that I didn't feel that me dying anytime soon was part of our family's plan, although I'll admit that as soon as I said that I realized that the night before Naki died neither he nor I thought that his early death would be part of our family's plan either. I shared with her that I'd learned not to ask God for no bad things to happen, but for Him to give me the strength and the faith I need to make it through whatever difficult times come my way. Every time the girls hear any type of siren, whether police, ambulance, or fire truck, they immediately stop whatever they're doing to say a prayer for whomever is involved. We Maile girls know that to pray that whomever is involved will get better doesn't alway happen. And so we pray that they and their families will have the strength they need for their circumstance, whatever it is.

Alma 33:23 (The Book of Mormon) "And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will. Amen."

Where do I Start...What I've Learned Part 1

Fort De Soto, Florida
Florida Fireside Trip, 2010

I have sat down several times to write posts about past events and/or about pictures I've taken that I want to journal here on my blog. But every time I start, I find myself just staring at the screen, unable to find within my writing brain the words to adequately journal. Some may call that writer's block, but I know better. The real reason that I've been unable to write is because my heart is elsewhere. Every time I've written something on this blog it has flowed freely from my heart, through my fingertips, and onto the keys. Putting words to my emotions helps me to see myself more clearly. I feel my heart and emotions in the words that I've written, and that is exactly what is missing when I've been trying to write lately. I am not surprised to find this to be the case, as my heart has been wrapped up in an unexpected situation I've found myself in over the past two months. The details are not significant enough to share here. But what is significant is what I've learned through those details. And goodness, how I have learned.

I have learned that fear, in all it's forms, is a very real thing. There have been times over the past two months where I was very, very, scared. Scared like, lock all your doors all the time, jump at weird noises, or look over your shoulder constantly scared. Experiencing this type of fear has helped me to have more patience with the girls when they express to me their own fears, whether they resemble mine or not. Being so afraid brought me closer to God because where faith is fear cannot reside. I have lived that statement more keenly than I thought possible. Despite all of my unanswered questions that I had been talking to God about over the past 11 months, I knew, just knew, in this moment of crisis that He was there and continues to be there. I have conflict in my heart still, for sure, regarding a Father who has allowed for my heart to be broken so completely. But despite that conflict, I have felt the absolute assurance and comfort that He knows I am afraid, and that He wants me to turn to Him for all the strength I need.

There are times now and have been in the past when I'm walking in crowds with my girls all by myself, and worry that I'll lose one of them simply by them taking their next step a little off of the path that we as a group are taking. Many times I have used my hand, palm placed on their back, their shoulder, or the back of their head, to direct or redirect their steps, so that we can all end up at our destination, whether that's the cookie counter at Maceys or in our pew at church. I have felt that same generous, powerful, and guiding hand on me over the past several months, helping me with the direction of the next step I need to take. In my minds eye the hand itself is as large and long as my entire body, head to toe. I have felt small in size compared to such a strength-filled hand, and yet have not felt insignificant in the least. Just the opposite. Having so much fear, and feeling so frightened at circumstances beyond my control, has taught me that it is okay to be afraid, and normal considering the situation that I found myself in. But having faith is having the ability to continue on in the face of your fears. God is more powerful than any fear I may have, and I have been changed with that knowledge.

The girls watched a Veggie Tales recently about being scared. There is a song in it that they have since memorized, and sing it all the time. The lyrics are

God is bigger than the Bogey Man
He's bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on t.v.
Yes, God is bigger than the Bogey Man
He's watching out for you and me.

Totally silly, but it is such a great reminder for me every single time I hear them sing it.

Returning to the Blogging World

In July I decided it was time to see some very much missed family in Northern Idaho. When I returned, my internet refused to cooperate every time I wanted to use it. That does not make for a very good relationship. My modem and I had several lovely arguments about why it should be behaving much better than it was, but still, it wouldn't work. After going back and forth on the phone with our provider many, MANY, times, I gave up. My dear friend came over and looked at it for me, and it was decided that no amount of arguing would make it buck up and cooperate. It was time to just get a new one. I am so so so happy to say that I am returning to the blogging world, having missed it greatly. I must admit, it's amazing what one can accomplish when you don't have the internet as an option. We have had a crazy fun summer, filled with more than enough ups and downs. How refreshing to be able to admit that for the girls there have absolutely been more ups. We just returned from our Florida Fireside trip last week, where we had the best time. I am posting briefly, since we're doing cake and presents today for our September girlies and we still have things to do for it, but wanted you to see one of the most happiest faces ever. Here is one of the only video clips that I managed to get while in Disney World, but it is a doozy. Ginny and I laughed so hard after watching it over and over and over, that our cheeks hurt afterwards. There have been times over the last 11 months when I wasn't sure I'd ever see such pure happiness from this baby of mine again after all she's been through.

Hey everyone. I am posting the flyer today for what is hopefully our Fireside Group's last and final fundraiser for Florida. They were able to purchase tickets for some of the families from the fundraisers already done, and I felt so guilty when they purchased our family's tickets in the first batch. It has motivated me to do all I can to ensure that the rest of the group gets to purchase their tickets as well!

I am super excited about this last fundraiser. We are doing dinner and a show, with the dinner being nummy poly barbeque and the show being live entertainment including our group's band, hula dancers, and a fire knife dancer. We've been accumulating some fantastic items for a silent auction, and will also be giving away fun prizes throughout the evening. You just have to come! It will be held at the Tahitian Noni Gardens in Provo on this coming Monday, July 26th at 7:00. Prices are a steal, $15 for all those over 12 years old and only $3 for those 12 and under! Line and Malia will most likely be dancing also.

I admit to procrastinating starting selling my share of the tickets. I would love to be able to sell at least 20, so please pass the word along. It will be an excellent activity for a group of friends, couples, and even families. At the time of our last fundraiser many of you expressed the desire to post a flyer at your work. I know there's not much time left in the week, but I would love to bring you a flyer to post at your offices if you're still interested.

If you're unfamiliar with the Florida Fireside Group that I'm talking about, click here to read about our last fundraiser and why we're doing this.

We are just SO close to getting the whole group to Florida, and know that this will be a fantastic way to complete our fundraising. Feel free to call me at 801-787-8653 to reserve your tickets, or you can email me at thamailez@yahoo.com. Can't wait to see you all there!

...kay...having a hard time getting the flyer to upload. I told you most everything on it, and will post it as soon as I can figure out why it isn't uploading it. But when you contact me for tickets I will give you the address of the Gardens.