Confession

Several months ago I received the strongest impression that it was time for me to get started on one of the new responsibilities that Naki's death has brought into my life...working. I bucked at the idea, hid from it, and yelled about it mentally until I knew I could avoid it no more. At first I was trying to figure out what to go back to school for. After several weeks at studying it out with zero results that felt right, it occurred to me that it would be just fine if I worked part time right now until I figured it out. I immediately emailed the Principle at the girlies' school to inform him that I was looking for a part time job. I find no coincidence that my impressions to start working, and at the school, resulted in a job almost immediately. The situation is perfect. It is a job that requires no preparation on my part. I am a teacher's aide in the Kindergarten. Eli is in Kindergarten this year, and so I am lucky that they are allowing her to shadow me for an hour after her class is excused, as I have to stay an hour later after she would normally go home. I cannot get used to not being at home, even if it's only for 4 hours in the morning, with my two littlest ones. It is the worst feeling to be apart from them. By the time I get home they are going down for a nap, and then when they wake I no longer have any one on one time with them since their sisters are home from school. I shouldn't complain. It is very hard for me nonetheless. As a result I can't work out after the girls go to school like I did last year. That's why the only time slot I have for exercise is before the whole day even begins.

I'm ashamed to confess that since working out on Monday morning I have been unable to arise so dang early. How am I going to fit it in to my schedule? The reason I'm unable to wake up so early is obvious to me because it's not a new one. By the time I get all the kid's in bed after doing all our responsibilities, dinner, baths, and reading, I'm pooped. All I want to do is veg and do nothing for an hour or two. When I go to bed immediately after the girls do it makes me feel like I'm running in a rat race, knowing that I'll only wake up in what feels like an instant, to start the whole process over again. I have learned that in order to survive my life I need time to be Abby, not just Mom. And so I use that time after they go to bed to read a book, study, write in my journal (my blog), or watch television. I feel like the only way I could possibly wake up so early would be if I went to bed earlier, and I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice the only time I have for myself. This is my confession for the day.

Eli also had a confession this morning, but not in words as much as an overwhelming, powerful, and suffocating smell of my perfume. She was supposed to be collecting the laundry, and instead came to breakfast with almost visible cloying whorls of Chloe Narcisse, the perfume I used to wear but haven't for some time. When we first got married Naki always used to make choking sounds and motions when he'd walk into the bathroom after I'd sprayed it. I learned that a small dose goes a long way. Eli thinks I have spies around the house. She is amazed at my ability to tell what she's been doing when I couldn't see her! Now I'm the one walking around, making choking sounds and motions every time she walks by me.

Maybe I should somehow apply the perfume concept of a little goes a long way to my time at night. Instead of two hours alone I'll have to suffice with a half hour...I don't know if it'll be enough, but I guess I can try it.