The True Purpose of Summer

As far as we're concerned, summer is only summer so that we can spend our days in the water, rain or shine. Literally. We've actually been swimming in the rain before. Of course for Mom, the best swimming days are the sunny ones, since I love trying to get as brown as all these beautiful Poly babies I'm surrounded by. We added a couple of new toys to our swimming collection, and it looks like the girls are loving all of them.

Mellow

These pictures are proof that things actually do slow down around here. Peaceful moments do exist. The times when all are freshly srubbed, hair is flowing freely down their graceful backs, and they all lay together with such peace and harmony rejuvinate me and make me feel the possibilities for our family. They are some of my most favorite times...those when we're all together without the need for conversation.


Then there are times like this...an illusion of sorts. I assume all are peacefully sleeping in their beds, tucked away all safe and sweet. Imagine the shock to find this awaiting my discovery.


I'm sure asking her to stay put so a photo could be taken does little to persuade her of my desire to have her NOT do it again some future night. But in this I've mellowed. I recognize it won't be long and I'll no longer have a little one around with the desire to line up her and her sister's shoes all mismatched when she should have been sleeping. I looked up the definition of 'mellowed' just for the heck of it, and I like how the words make me feel about myself. It said "made gentle and compassionate by age or maturity; softened". I like that. I really like it.

I have recently been working in my yard, trying to add landscaping where there is none, and have found that it has been such great therapy for me. I want to devote an entire post to my new-found love of landscaping/yard work, but just wanted to mention it as the main reason I haven't been writing in here. I have many things to write about, emotional and just simply all the events that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I'm reading a book called "These Is My Words", a fictional adventure of Sarah Prine's life and struggles in the Arizona Territories in the late nineteenth century inspired by the author's own family memoirs. It's written in her voice as you read her journal entries over the span of about 20 years.

I was engrossed in this book, which was a surprise for me. I have a love affair with reading...you just cannot tear me away from it. That is, before Naki died. Since then I hate it. Probably I hate it for the same reasons that I hate certain music and television/movies. The kinds that I love the most all have the same result in that they pull up all the feelings of love that I have for Naki, which in turn makes me miserable since he's not here for me to express that love to him. If I read a sweet love story, after finishing it I would love to cuddle with him, knowing that I have my very own love story right beside me. If I read a scary murder plot, I would cuddle close to him, knowing I would always be protected by him. If I read a funny adventure, I would cuddle close to him, knowing that I was living my very own funny adventure with him. See a pattern? No matter what I read, it somehow strengthened the connection that I have with him. He could always tell when I'd found a good book...it was pretty obvious when he'd come home from work and I was still in my pajamas and the kids were craving some one on one time. I didn't neglect them! But I would make sure they were content and safe so I could keep on reading whatever had me glued to it.

I've really missed reading. Not that I haven't been reading at all, but I am so tired of reading my scriptures, reading gospel study books, or just reading books written about gospel topics, that I could scream. I know that all that I'm learning is what I need. The knowledge I acquire about all the gospel things I'm reading are essential, eternal truths that will completely effect my future. But it's getting old, reading about that stuff all the time. It isn't relaxing the way my other reading material was, and doesn't allow the part of my brain that is "on" all day to turn off for just a bit. Probably it wouldn't get old if I had some peace on some very important gospel principles, but I definitely do not have peace. And until I do, a lot of what I read just tends to leave me feeling bereft, frustrated, confused, angered, and alone. I will be the first to admit that having gone through this experience I know more certainly than I ever have before how much I love and need the Savior in my life. His Sacrifice astounds and overwhelms me. I find myself continually humbled when I feel my Spirit strengthened by It. Many of my struggles with my faith these days have nothing to do with Him, and more to do with the nature of God. Having such struggles brings an accompanying sense of guilt, but I'm working on it and will continue to work on it until I find the peace I'm searching for.

But last week I decided that I wanted to read something floofy no matter the consequence it would bring me emotionally. BIG MISTAKE. Let's just say that it didn't go so well. I loved reading it! And I loved the story line, and as usual just could not put it down. I hadn't realized how much I loved telling Naki about what I'd read, and if not needing to tell him what I read, then getting that reassurance that I, too, had it good just like the characters I'd read about. I decided it was time to try another tactic. This week I picked up the book I mentioned before, having forgotton I'd bought it some time ago. I thought that maybe this one would be better for me emotionally, since I knew the ending ended similar to my current ending...losing your husband. I'm not sure how I'll feel when the entire story is over, but so far I've loved reading about how this amazing woman endures the sorrows she's faced with...they seem way worse than mine when compared. She reminds me of myself in some ways. She wrote, "It seems as if I can only think if I write my journal, it just connects the part of my head that is busy doing things with the part that is busy thinking about everything else." It seemed to me the perfect way to describe why I like to write. She also later wrote, "I feel like I have turned into another person, like someone else walks around in my shoes, and I don't know who I was before, nor who I am now." I couldn't have said it better to describe myself these days.

I have so very many thoughts running marathons in my mind. Just when I think they've crossed the finish line, they start another marathon and stay with me until once again, I feel like that running thought has finally finished it's race. Imagine my surprise, and quite frankly, annoyance, when it starts yet another marathon all on it's own. Try as I might I can't convince my heart, mind, and spirit to finish with certain trains of thought. This cyclical grief that I experience is driving me batty. Ask my sister Ginny. I know she walks on egg shells around me because she never knows which Abby she's gonna get from day to day, or truthfully minute to minute. I feel like what I want least is to be surrounded by anyone. Being alone sounds so heavenly. I imagine that being alone would allow me to emote any feeling, thought, or emotion freely without fear of the consequences or effects it would have on those around me. Then I feel that what I want most is to be surrounded by everyone. It comforts me to know that people are able to somehow love me despite my continual depressing aura. I know it exudes from me despite my best efforts to push through it. It saddens me to feel that because I can no longer hide it as well as I once did that it will end up pushing away those that I actually need the most. I feel like Scrooge constantly. Although it may seem to an outsider that I choose to feel like Scrooge, you should know that I fight against it every single day. I hate the way all this feels, and wish that these ucky feelings would just go away already. I see all this goodness, love, and pure charity in the countenances of all these amazing and beautiful people that continue to lift me, love me, and support me, despite all my depressing faces and thoughts and despite the amount of time that has passed...almost 9 months. Sarah Prine wrote, "I wish the Lord would just knock me over with kindness and goodness and simple purity, because I don't seem to be getting the knack of it on my own." Amen, Sarah.

One thing I've learned for sure is that losing Naki is my "something" in life that only I have to figure out how to deal with, and that everyone has a "something". Some may already know what their's is, or they might not even know what it is yet to come. I am able to recognize that I have not been singled out to endure something hard. Even knowing that with complete certainty, when I read Sarah's words they surprised me by making me cry, ringing true within myself without having known that I felt that way.

She wrote, "Sometimes I feel like a tree on a hill, at the place where all the wind blows and the hail hits the hardest. All the people I love are down the side aways, sheltered under a great rock, and I am out of the fold, standing alone in the sun and the snow. I feel like I am not part of the rest somehow, although they welcome me and are kind. I see my family as they sit together and it is like they have a certain way between them that is beyond me. I wonder if other folks ever feel included yet alone."


How is possible that pictures like this even exist? I look at it and am in awe at my own ability to hide my sorrow. I don't look sad. And when I think about that moment the picture was taken I was grateful to be surrounded with my loved ones, and yet so simultaneously sorrowful. I felt "included, yet alone". I just want to not feel so depressed, and soon. I guess I've never been all that patient of an individual.

The Surprise of the Day...in a good way

God knows me...very well. He must remember very clearly the summer of 2008 when I was around 8 months pregnant, trying desperately to teach Lose how to ride her bike. It was, ummm, one of my least lovely moments. She was an excellent balancer, but truly struggled to steer her bike. It seemed to steer her. Either it or she had a magnetic pull to any immovable object such as light poles, trees, fences, water fountains, cars, benches, etc. It didn't matter where she started from, she'd always end up running smack into one of the afore mentioned items. No matter how I tried, I couldn't convince her that she alone held her crashing destiny, or the lack of it, in her own hands by the simple task of steering. I think she ended up being so afraid of again running into one of those things that her eyes would automatically lock in on what she was trying to avoid and as a result she'd drive right into it. I'll never forget watching her little self get whiplashed, again, as she crashed into the cement block at the park that has a water fountain on the top. It was my final straw. Much to her shock, the other girlies' shock, all those park goer's shock, my own shock, and probably not Naki's shock when he was told later on what happened (he knows me too well to be truly shocked), I lost it. I actually picked up her bike and threw it as far as I could. Given my extremely pregnant circumstance, I'd score my bike shotput a '10', for sure. Distance alone was rather impressive. What wasn't impressive was the fact that I did it at all. I try, I really try, but I just do not have as much patience as I should, or as much as the girls require and deserve. Don't worry. She was not permanently scarred from the experience. I hope. She quickly remedied her directional issues and to this day is a fantastic bike rider. I still am ashamed of my irrational temper tantrum.

So to say that I was dreading the day when it would be time for Eli to learn how to ride her bike would be an understatement. Anyone remember my post earlier about those training wheels of hers? Maybe with an understanding of how much I truly wanted her to NOT be needing to be taught how to ride without them would explain a bit of my anger when I couldn't attach them to her bike earlier this year.

This afternoon I decided to again tackle those darn training wheels. Seriously. I'm super annoyed that I STILL didn't get them to tighten enough. What's the deal with this anyway? I know there are plenty of people I could ask to do this, but it seems so simple that I should absolutely be able to do this one alone, unassisted. As I felt the steam beginning to pour from my ears, Eli casually mentioned that I didn't need to worry. She didn't really want them on anyway. She just wanted to learn how to ride without them. She said it so confidently that I am positive she was too young to remember the bike episode of 2008 and didn't know how much I really DID NOT want to go through all of this again. Oh well, I figured. I couldn't avoid it forever. Might as well start now.

Wouldn't you know, with just a little bit of helpful tips and advice, that girl took off! She was so determined, and only fell a couple of times. But really, what a fun experience, especially after dreading it so much. It was such a great surprise. I can't say that I 'taught' her how to ride a bike. She somehow was able to take the tips I told her and immediately apply them. She was so so super excited. It seemed perfect that Lose would be watching the whole thing, cheering her own. Hopefully she wasn't sitting there thinking awful vengeful thoughts about her monster mother.

My favorite thing Eli said about all of this was at the softball fields tonight. She had wanted to bring her bike, but that would only bring out the snowball effect of everyone wanting to bring them. Not only do I not have the ability with the van to bring all the bikes, but then I REALLY wouldn't be able to keep track of them during the game. As she was unloading her scooter in the parking lot, she stood on it, gave a dramatic wobble for effect, and told me "Wow, Mom. I can hardly ride my scooter now that I can ride my bike so well." What a cutie.















I asked Eli to show us how happy she really felt, instead of just a posing smile. This last picture was the result...she's doing a "Yessss!" at the same time. Thank You God, for the miracle that both Eli and I needed.

Such A Lady

During dinner tonight, I was treated to some stimulating conversation, thanks to Lose.

Lose: Uuughh..
Mom: What's wrong, Lose?
Lose: Oh Nothing! I'm just trying to pull out a nose hair to see how loud it makes me scream.

Never sure what's going to come out of the mouth of that one.

I'm a Rebel

I'm not doing the dishes today. Any of them. Naki would be shocked at my rebelious act, I'm sure. I've always been the one to insist that new dishes will just accumulate tomorrow, and so it is much wiser to just do the dishes despite being tired. But in my new reality, some other things just take priority. And today, dishes is not on the list. Oh well.

Being Heard

About a week and a half ago there was an extreme switch in Eva's personality. It was so drastic that I noticed it immediately. It was as if she went to bed as one little girl and woke up a different girlie entirely. My sassy, sarcastic, funny, sensitive Eva has disappeared...temporarily, I'm sure. In her place is a girl who communicates either in tears with pouty words and pouty expressions or a girl with an extreme, volatile, explosive, and uncontrollable temper. I can't count the number of times she's pulled back her fist at me, as if to punch me, and can count the couple of times that she actually has. I also can't count how many times she screams into her pillow in one day (our remedy for letting someone who's angry get their anger out without hurting anyone). In one particular instance she was so mad she lifted our living room table off the floor, and it's not a small table. She slides in and out of pouty into angry very quickly, but there's never anything in between. She's started doing these shortly punctuated shouting/yelling outbursts, and has no tolerance for me if I can't understand what she's trying to tell me, which happens quite often since she doesn't speak her words these days, but is either crying them or yelling them. Her new catch phrase is "I want to go to bed", which we hear when she gets to the end of her fits. She's actually tired, and so lays on her bed to rest and calm down.

I've seen Eva like this before. It was the way she was immediately following Naki's death. She eventually worked through it then, and I'm hopeful she'll work through it again. Her therapist told me that her behavior shifts coincide with some shifts she's simultaneously made in her therapy. Apparently this entire time she's been going to therapy she's never used Naki in any of her play. She does family scenarios, but never name specific...just "He's the Dad, She's the Mom, and These are their kids" kind of thing. She finally, for the first time, picked up a boy doll and said, "This is my Dad, Naki", or pronounced "Noki", as Eva says it. And last week when I picked her up she couldn't wait to show me a picture she'd drawn. It was a picture of Naki dressed up as a spider. There was a rainbow and a mountain over the spider, and in her words, both were "filled with all the doctors". Her therapist was thrilled that Eva had chosen to actually draw Naki and refer to him directly. She wanted me to know that this was a HUGE step in her progress in therapy. So, all this behavior shifting that we're witnessing is not by chance. We just have to help her know that with us she's safe...safe enough to express her feelings and not keep them bottled up inside. Shortly after I noticed all the yelling she was doing, I wanted to talk to her about it. As I was tucking her into bed one night I asked her,

Me: Eva? Why are yelling so much these last couple of days?
Eva: Because. No one can hear me.
Me: What are you trying to say, sweetie?
Eva: I'm trying to say that I'm sad...I'm not happy.

I was so proud of her for the way she was able to put voice to the feelings she was experiencing. And I have to say I know the same exact emotion she was talking about. It is immensely frustrating to see normalcy around you when inside you feel broken and sad. Please. Please be patient with her as she's working through all these difficult emotions. She's loud, abrasive, rough, and agressive. But underneath it all I know she's still Eva.