I'm a Rebel

I'm not doing the dishes today. Any of them. Naki would be shocked at my rebelious act, I'm sure. I've always been the one to insist that new dishes will just accumulate tomorrow, and so it is much wiser to just do the dishes despite being tired. But in my new reality, some other things just take priority. And today, dishes is not on the list. Oh well.

Being Heard

About a week and a half ago there was an extreme switch in Eva's personality. It was so drastic that I noticed it immediately. It was as if she went to bed as one little girl and woke up a different girlie entirely. My sassy, sarcastic, funny, sensitive Eva has disappeared...temporarily, I'm sure. In her place is a girl who communicates either in tears with pouty words and pouty expressions or a girl with an extreme, volatile, explosive, and uncontrollable temper. I can't count the number of times she's pulled back her fist at me, as if to punch me, and can count the couple of times that she actually has. I also can't count how many times she screams into her pillow in one day (our remedy for letting someone who's angry get their anger out without hurting anyone). In one particular instance she was so mad she lifted our living room table off the floor, and it's not a small table. She slides in and out of pouty into angry very quickly, but there's never anything in between. She's started doing these shortly punctuated shouting/yelling outbursts, and has no tolerance for me if I can't understand what she's trying to tell me, which happens quite often since she doesn't speak her words these days, but is either crying them or yelling them. Her new catch phrase is "I want to go to bed", which we hear when she gets to the end of her fits. She's actually tired, and so lays on her bed to rest and calm down.

I've seen Eva like this before. It was the way she was immediately following Naki's death. She eventually worked through it then, and I'm hopeful she'll work through it again. Her therapist told me that her behavior shifts coincide with some shifts she's simultaneously made in her therapy. Apparently this entire time she's been going to therapy she's never used Naki in any of her play. She does family scenarios, but never name specific...just "He's the Dad, She's the Mom, and These are their kids" kind of thing. She finally, for the first time, picked up a boy doll and said, "This is my Dad, Naki", or pronounced "Noki", as Eva says it. And last week when I picked her up she couldn't wait to show me a picture she'd drawn. It was a picture of Naki dressed up as a spider. There was a rainbow and a mountain over the spider, and in her words, both were "filled with all the doctors". Her therapist was thrilled that Eva had chosen to actually draw Naki and refer to him directly. She wanted me to know that this was a HUGE step in her progress in therapy. So, all this behavior shifting that we're witnessing is not by chance. We just have to help her know that with us she's safe...safe enough to express her feelings and not keep them bottled up inside. Shortly after I noticed all the yelling she was doing, I wanted to talk to her about it. As I was tucking her into bed one night I asked her,

Me: Eva? Why are yelling so much these last couple of days?
Eva: Because. No one can hear me.
Me: What are you trying to say, sweetie?
Eva: I'm trying to say that I'm sad...I'm not happy.

I was so proud of her for the way she was able to put voice to the feelings she was experiencing. And I have to say I know the same exact emotion she was talking about. It is immensely frustrating to see normalcy around you when inside you feel broken and sad. Please. Please be patient with her as she's working through all these difficult emotions. She's loud, abrasive, rough, and agressive. But underneath it all I know she's still Eva.

I'm so backlogged with photos that I want and need to do posts for that I better get started on them. I will most likely repeat myself, saying or telling something that I already have. There's only so many brain cells left in this head of mine. But I wanted to give a shout out to Auntie Candy, my sis, for the time she spends cutting the hair of all of us Maile girls. There are quite a few of us, and she can zip through us like nothin, turnin out cuties everywhere she touches. When we were in Idaho over Spring Break in April, we set aside some much needed time for haircuts, and the girls had a blast. Thanks Davis Fam, for the pizza that was provided and the most excellent company. I could not believe how Harley, my niece, daughter of Elizabeth and Albert, just sat there on Liz's lap the entire night! Unbelievable, Harley.




















Everyone received trims, but Malia was the star of the night. She has been asking Naki and I for several years now to cut her hair short. We told her that we would love that, when she got a bit older and could take care of it all on her own. As much as that girl loves fashion, she loves even more to take any shortcut she can find. That doesn't work so good all the time, and we thought it best that she wait for a bit.

When she discovered that we'd be getting haircuts while we were visiting Idaho, she really, quite strongly, let me know her desire once again. This may seem like a simple thing to most, but for me it was quite complicated. Naki really wants his girlies to have long Polynesian hair. I really was fine either way. Now that he isn't here, I felt such pressure to make the appropriate decision and still be loyal to him as her father. I kept going back and forth in my mind, trying to figure out the right thing to do. I wanted to set a good precedent for all other requests that come my way, and felt that for some reason this particular request was quite important. I was reminded of something that our therapist mentioned to me about parenting that has forever changed the way I parent. He said that as a parent any time his kids make a request to him, he tries to say "Yes" as often as he possibly can. This way, when he actually says no, they more easily accept the "no" because of their understanding of the fact that he would say "Yes" if he could. He also mentioned that most of the time, when a parent says "No", it's because of the inconvenience it brings into their lives. That is totally me. I know that several times, when I've told the girls "no" about something, it's because of the inconvenience it brings into my life and my plans. Since then, I have really truly tried to say Yes as often as I possibly can.

I thought a lot about this new concept in regards to Malia's haircut request. I knew that I was worried about her ability to get ready on time every morning and the inconvenience that would bring into my already crunched morning routine. I also knew that Yes, Naki would most likely want Malia's hair to stay long, but he would also like his girls to never turn into teenagers, never leave home, and never look at a boy with stars in their eyes...all of which will inevitably happen. The fact of the matter was that I was here all alone to make this decision. I couldn't, as hard as I tried, make this decision with him. The decision belonged only to me. I alone would be the one dealing with her if she didn't get to do it, and I alone would be the one dealing with her if she did get to do it. As much as I wish he was here to do these things together, he isn't. It was time for me to make a tough parenting choice all on my own.

Of course, I said "yes".






It has been so rewarding to see her blossom with her new found independence of doing her own hair with her cute little blow dryer and flat iron. What an amazing thing...something so simple as a haircut had such potential to help this sweet girl, our Malia. She now, unprompted, rises every morning, hops in the shower, again unprompted, and gets her hair done in time to finish her morning chores before breakfast. Because it is important to her, it has motivated her in areas that we've been attempting to motivate her in for some time. I remember the many many times that after a frustrating morning of trying to get her to move, at ALL, I would turn to Naki and express to him my anxiety over the fact that Malia will never truly feel how much I love her, because I spend so much time nipping at her heels, trying to get her to do what she's supposed to. She likes to do things on her own time, just like her Daddy, which doesn't always work in my world. I like to think that even though I'm pretty confident Naki wouldn't have said "Yes", he's able to see the amazing ripple effect of my decision and is proud of me for going against what I know he would have wanted, as odd as that sounds. Those are some of my favorite memories of our marriage. The times when he would look at something I'd said or done that was not what he would have chosen, and was able to see the wisdom in my decisions and the lack of wisdom in what he would have chosen. Being on the receiving end of his approval feels like nothing else in the world. I bask in it. It is one of my most favorite feelings.

Thanks for the haircuts, Auntie Candy.

Father's Day. It's finally here. We made it through, not without a few bumps and bruises, but we did it. I have been preparing for this day for some time. Months ago I found a small wooden engraved box on some random website and knew it was perfect for Father's Day. I was able to engrave a message on the front from us to Naki, and had planned to have the girls do their normal cards or letters to Daddy, place them in there, and then put them on his grave. I also had planned to purchase special necklaces for them to get today, ones with a gold pendant with Naki's image engraved on the front. All except Eva loved them...she has issues with the chain I bought. I had strongly felt to do a special Family Home Evening lesson on Father's Day this past Monday, and followed through with that prompting. We were able to discuss then what I would have wanted to discuss today, and instead of only thinking and talking about it for one day, we've been able to think and talk about it for an entire week. We discussed how Jesus was separated from His Father for His entire life, but that did not mean that he was without His Father. They still communicated with one another just as the girls can always keep connected to their Dad through the Savior and Heavenly Father. Did it mean that he was any less important or loved than those whose Fathers were alive? Of course not. It did mean that he was blessed with a "Step-Father" of sorts, just like the girlies have their Uncles and Grandpas to watch and protect them like their Father would do if he were here. We were able to discuss qualities about Naki that make him so endearing to us, and how we have been blessed to be eternally connected to him. I gave the girls all week long to think about what they either wanted to write or draw for Daddy, and left the box in the living room all week for them to put their papers in as they finished them. I was so impressed that they each individually throught through what they wanted to do and then did it without any prompting or reminder from me. I now know that the prompting I had was indeed Heaven sent, as Eva came down with an extreme fever yesterday morning. I NEVER would have been able to get everything ready for this first Father's Day without Naki while taking care of her yesterday and today. She had been complaining that her ear hurt her, and then around 10 am just fell asleep. I was worried a bit yesterday afternoon, since I had already given her Motrin an hour earlier and her fever still read almost 103. She now knows for sure that she doesn't like cold baths! It worked though, and she was able to sleep through last night, being woken for her periodic medicine doses. She is still feverish today, and is now complaining at meal time. She tries to drink or eat, but is clutching at her throat and quickly gives up. Yesterday she drank quite a bit, but then burped quickly after. She started screaming uncontrollably, and it took me a minute to calm her down. "What's wrong?" I asked her. She, between sobs, exclaimed that she was going to die. What? I asked her again to make sure I heard her correctly, and this time she said that she wanted to die. She is pretty sure that she'd rather be with Daddy then feeling like she does. I assured her that burping never killed anyone, and that she'd be just fine. This calmed her down, and now every time she burps after she drinks, she quickly glances towards me with the beginning of panic in her eyes, to which I again reassure her that it's okay to burp...she'll survive each and every one. Now that I think about it, I think she might have strepp and that it hurts her throat to burp. I'm going to try and take her in to the doctor tomorrow and check just to be sure. We'll see...

As a result of her feeling ucky, we didn't go to church today. I had considered letting the big girls go and sit with the family we usually sit beside, but I thought it just might be a bit cruel to send them to church on their 1st Father's Day since Naki died without all of us. So instead we all stayed home, trying to have a peaceful day. It kinda happened. I do know that it was success because we endured it, but in Line's words..."This was the weirdest Father's Day we've ever had". Well, weird or not, we made it through it. I also know that Naki is so touched by his brother Junior today. He started his day by bringing breakfast over to our house, just as he did for Mother's Day. It has meant so much to me that he has taken the time to spread himself thin between his family AND ours. The night before Mother's Day, I was taken by surprise by my desire to feel that I was not forgotten by my Husband and best friend. Now logically I know he'd never forget me, but I also logically know that he isn't here to make me feel special like he's always done. That's been harder for my self confidence than I'd anticipated, and I was shocked as I was falling asleep the night before Mother's Day and was praying, to find myself asking for some way to know that Naki was thinking of me. Imagine my surprise to find Junior, on my doorstep the next morning, with breakfast already cooked and ready for the girls and I to eat. He told me he'd felt Naki asking him to do that for us, just as Naki would have done had he still been alive. It was such a touching moment for me, and I'm so grateful to Junior for listening to a prompting for something I didn't even know I'd needed until it was too late to ask for it. So thank you for breakfast on Mother's Day, and today, Father's Day.

After enjoying our breakfast the girls had a PlayDough Marathon. They hadn't played with it for quite a while, so it was like the first time all over again. I watered all the plants outside and discovered my sprinklers hadn't been going off like I'd thought, and investigated that a bit. Yardwork has always fallen into my category of duties instead of Naki's, and I enjoy it most of the time. He would do it when he could, but going to school, working more than one job, fulfilling church callings, and being a Dad can keep a guy busy. I was home with the girls, so why not do it? It bugged him that he couldn't do it like he wanted to and would get to it if he was ever home, but it was something I could do to help him out with his heavy load. What a surprise to find I kinda liked it! Call me weird, but I like seeing the lines in the grass when I mow just as much as I like seeing the lines in the carpet when I vaccuum inside. I had him teach me last year how to edge the lawn, and although I don't do as good of a job as he does, I at least can get the job done. So needless to say I was a bit perterbed to see that there were dry patches in the lawn. I was able to discover the source of my problems for the dry patches...it's the deck. Our new little patio that we're all in love with covers the sprinklers that normally hit the portions of my grass that are drying out. Good news is, I've made plans for putting stamped cement under there instead of grass and it should be happening soon! When it does, we'll move those sprinklers out and make sure all the plants and grass that I so love are getting their fair share of "drinks". This darn desert I live in. I remember coming out to Idaho to go to college and seeing these huge sprinkler systems on farms and even in people's yards. What in the heck are those huge contraptions?, I thought. We never watered our lawn in Pennsylvania, and it did just fine. Humidity does wonders for all things green when you live in a place that keeps your skin covered in a coat of sweat all summer long. Out here we must be vigilant in our watering or else we have dead grass. Naki finally got on a good schedule of fertilizing the lawn last year. He always was so proud of the yard when it was looking good and green. That is one thing I haven't started doing yet...the weed and feed. Eventually. For now Naki's Dad does it for me. I tried once when I first started doing the yard and I've never lived down that fact that I made our yard look like a checkerboard of sorts...it looked awful and it was so embarrassing to admit that I had been the one to do it. Someday I'll get the courage to do that on my own. Until then I'll continue to let Dad do it. Besides, it gives me an extra excuse to have Grandpa around. We sure love him.

Malia was in charge of the Play Dough clean up since it was her idea to get it out. Once all was back in order we left to have lunch at the cemetary. Once we arrived I realized that I'd forgotten to bring flowers. The girls and I have taken to cutting flowers from in our yard, and taking those to Naki. I can't explain it, but it feels more connected to bring him something that was here, at our house, than at the grocery store. So lately we've just been cutting flowers from here when we go...not only to his grave, but to others that we visit. We turned right around and came back for the flowers. I cut roses off of a shrub that I just bought and havn't even planted yet! The girls hollered to me as I grabbed my scissors and started looking for which flowers to get, "Find the prettiest ones, Mom!". So I had to use those ones. We had the idea to make a smiley face out of them, and as time went on I found the girlies adding decorations to the face to make it Dad. The pieces of Elm leaves are his eyebrows, and someone found a stick and broke it in pieces to make his hair.

They each wore shirts to honor Dad today.


And here they are holding up their pendants.


I tried to take a close up, but the battery died. But here's Boo with hers on, plus a necklace she grabbed out of my jewelry that she insisted she had to wear today.

We came home for naps, which by this point were MUCH needed. I'm always surprised how time flies so fast when we're up at the cemetary. It always seems like we've only been there for a little bit, but when we actually get in the car we've been there WAY longer than I thought. Eva, feverish and all, was such a good sport. I couldn't NOT go there, just because she wasn't feeling well. It didn't seem right no matter what I tried to figure in my head. I couldn't not go at all. That didn't seem fair to the other girls. And I couldn't not take her. That wasn't fair to her to not be there nor would it have been fair to whomever I would have asked to sit with a feverish and angry little girl. That's not a very pleasant combination, I have to say. In her fitfull sleep all she does is say his name over and over, and during her cold bath she just kept screaming his name, yelling at me while splashing me, and let me know in her special way that she would have MUCH rather had him there than me. So, I decided to just go, sick Eva and all, and hope for the best. It was stunningly beautiful up there. The breeze was strong but not too strong, the sun was warm but not too warm, and the girls were crazy but not too crazy...mostly. I just can't wait for Naki's headstone to get done. I ordered it what seems like forever ago, and now that I've done it every time we go there I can see it in my head, and want to see it there in the ground instead. I think it will be so good for the girls to have it there, a visual for all of us. I overheard Eva telling some random person the other day in the store that her Dad is taking a nap in the grass. I don't know how she pieces things together. She never saw him in the casket, so I don't know how she equated being dead with sleeping. And I'm impressed that she was able to put together the fact that him, in some sort of half way, is there at the cemetary. Looking at the pictures as I'm posting them I realize that I should take a picture looking the opposite direction. We're at the very top of the cemetary with nothing behind us, but looking down the other direction you can see the entire cemetary. It's quite beautiful.

We finished our day by delivering treats to the other Fathers in our lives. I feel badly that I didn't bake. I hardly ever bake anymore. Auntie Ginny's been filling in for me, what with all the Banana bread that girlie makes and cookies and such. But I wanted to take something to the girls' uncles and Grandpa. So, we made a couple of Tootsie Pop bouqets and headed off on our deliveries. I wish I'd taken a picture of it, but Malia made the sweetest little gift for Grandpa. It was the first of many things like this, I'm sure, but in her little Activity Days group the girls wanted to make something for their Dads for Fathers Day. Sweet Malia faced it courageously and decided to make something instead for her Grandpa. It was the cutest idea! They took two styrofoam cups and taped them bottom to bottom, shaped kinda like an hour glass, and then taped those on top of an empty formula can. Then they spraypainted the whole thing silver, and put a title on the front, like a trophy. Malia wrote on hers something along the lines of, "To the Dad of the Best Dad". We put treats in the empty formula can and flowers in the top empty painted styrofoam cup. It was super cute and truly, I was so proud of her for thinking on the spot of what to do in place of making it for Naki. After we delivered it we stayed and visited with Grandpa for a while, and brought in the home video we'd been watching in the car. It turned out to be quite a treat, as we stumbled upon the recording of Naki's BYU Graduation. It's always so bittersweet for me to see and hear him. I get so excited, and then I get so sad, all at the same time. What a nuisance. But, it was perfect timing, and not coincidental for sure. I needed to get Eva home, and left the DVD with Grandpa to finish watching, since Grandma was working.

I admit, I broke down on the way home. Whenever I do this it always catches the girls so off guard. They're just not quite sure what to do, and I know it scares them somewhat. If Mom doesn't have it together, then what?. I truly made tear soup tonight, except it was tear meatballs. I always feel badly when I break down in front of the girls, although I also feel like it's good for them to see someone grieving in a healthy way. It puts everyone on guard, and I almost wish I didn't feel guilty about it because it's the best behaved they ever are! Everyone always minds their p's and q's when Mom's upset. But I know they're also scared, and so I try to do it too often. Or at least cry with a smile and a hug. Try doing that...it's quite difficult. But it reassures them that even though I'm sad I'm still okay.

As I sit here writing the details of the day, I'm reminded of what calmed me down today when I was upset this evening. I tried to remind myself that yes, having these kinds of days for the rest of my life seems so miserable, hopeless, burdensome, depressing, and dark and watching my girls experience this feels even worse than all those things. But this earthly time spent alive without Naki isn't the "rest of my life". It's just a currently-miserable-but-hopefully-not-miserable-forever learning period that will someday lead me and the girls to what will truly be the "rest of our lives". Then, the girls, Naki, and I will be able to celebrate endless Father's Days. Having celebrated so very many of them without him will only make those future ones that much sweeter to us, I'm sure. Happy Father's Day, Baby.

I'm going to bed. I hate going to bed alone and it depresses me to think that I will be doing this for the rest of my life. I just want to feel him laying beside me, tuck my right foot under the back of his knee, and wrap my hands through his arm while I sleep, exactly like I have since we first met. Sleeping alone stinks.

I'm not sure where to start. It's quiet. I just finished having a "late night", as we call them around here, with Lose and Eli. Those two stinkers are hilarious. Of all things, they picked to watch Free Willy and eat chocolate ice cream shakes together while everyone else had to go to bed. Line and Malia have been able to go to two separate places lately and those two weren't invited to come along, which just about killed them. I told them I would try and make it up to them by allowing them to stay up late AFTER their big sisters had to go to bed. Oooohh...did they ever love that. They kept rubbing it in all evening, counting down the amount of time until their big sisters had to go to bed. I was excited myself. I never get to spend isolated time with them like that. Usually it's Line and Malia up with me after all the littles go down at night, and it was a treat to be able to cuddle up with Lose and Eli tonight. Lose's such a conundrum. She will do anything for a treat, but half the time once she'd earned it she doesn't actually want it. As I was making the shakes she begged for the cup with the "most" in it, but as Eli and I slurped away, she sipped once or twice and then took her cup upstairs and set it in the sink. What a funny girl. She has been struggling all over the place. After more breakdowns than I could keep track of once school was out, I decided that this girlie was going to nap. I knew she'd buck at the concept of a big 1st Grade graduate like herself having to nap with the little kids, but it has saved us. I can always tell when they need extra rest. If they can nap in the middle of the day and still go to sleep when it's time for bed, then naps it is. Plus, she is still asleep in the morning when it's time to get up. I talked to her therapist about it, and no surprise that it matches what she's working through in her sessions. For a long time she avoided her new reality. She's beginning to face it head on, and I can tell it's exhausting her. It was so much fun being able to focus my love and attention on those two girls. They are so deserving of it and I feel that in the business and efficiency involved with all this single parenting stuff that I don't give them all that they need. They are so sweet, sassy, sincere, and yearning for love that I'm trying to hard to give them. What cuties.

I discovered several months back that my ability to feel in control of my grieving emotions lessens severely every 28 days or so, if you get my drift. My hormone shift once a month stirs up everything that I thought was settled, and it makes me feel all amuck and as if I had never made any progress within myself and within my relationship with God. Having said that, I have been pleasantly surprised these past two months when there was no rocking of the boat. I survived both monthly hormonal shifts with what I assumed, must be my new found maturity and growth I'd acquired as a widow and a daughter of God trying to seek her Father and understand His will for her. Thhbbbt. (That's me sticking my tongue out and spitting on such a foolish notion.)

I. Am. A. Mess! this month. And it's been gradually building up within me for about two and a half weeks. I've felt myself slipping in my ability to counteract my negative thoughts with a positive one, and today I completely fell off the "Cliffs of Insanity". (Can anyone name the movie that comes from?) Seriously though, today was it. All of the thoughts that I've had ever since Naki died all came crashing on top of me like a ton of rocks...the ones of fear, sorrow, self-pitying, abandonement, you name it, I've thought it today. I tried to remind myself of all the amazing lessons I'd learned in the past 8 months, but none of them could lift me. I have one thought that is my least favorite. I'm ashamed to admit it outloud. It is completely illogical, and makes no sense whatsoever. But in my downest of moments I feel completely abandoned by Naki, whom I know would never abandon me. Why can't I feel him near? Why don't I sense him in anything at all? It is the worst feeling. On my good days I am able to remind myself that some people have lingering connections with their deceased, and some don't. I'm just one of those that don't. But on my worst days, I am unable to feel reminded of anything other than the fact that my husband is gone, and I want nothing else than to feel something of him. Anything. And yet I do not.

I had the saddest experience yesterday. The girls' elementary school qualifies somehow for a program that provides free breakfast and lunch to children 18 and under during a couple of weeks of the summer. Yesterday we were there for lunch and sat at the first available seats we could find...it was pretty busy. While trying to peel 17 oranges, open three milk cartons and three straws to match, two bags of chips, and keep Ane from falling off the lunch table all at the same time, I overheard Eli talking to a little girl whom, as far as I know, we'd never met before. She randomly said,

"Yeah, my dad died. He said he'd never leave us, but he did. He promised us, but he didn't keep his promise. My mom says that he didn't do it on purpose, but he left us. He's dead. He's Polynesian."

I felt so sad, listening to her say things that are obviously on her mind, since they're spilling out of her mouth to complete strangers. I felt equally sad, that even though logically she and I both know that he didn't "do it on purpose", we still blame him for something completely out of his control. I've learned that it's a completely commonplace and acceptably normal thought process, to have the need to work through those feelings of being tricked, having promises broken, and feeling left behind. But I havn't yet learned if it ever goes away. I thought it would lessen, but look at us! It's still here, dispite our very best efforts to move past them. My therapist told me that it's like trying to glue a broken heart together instead of letting it heal on it's own. There is no forcing it to a place before it's ready to be there.

I know for certain that one of the reasons for my decline was a meeting I had with a financial advisor two weeks ago. I discovered the amount of time that I had until I had to start working was shorter than I had originally thought. Ane won't be in school yet, and I am so frustrated and angered at the entire prospect of not staying at home with her that it makes me want to spit nails. Not only am I grieving the loss of my husband and my children's father, but to an extent I'm also grieving the loss of his wife and his children's mother. I am having the roles I've always dreamed of playing stolen from me, and I'm pissed as hell about it. It has sent me into a tailspin of trying to figure out what exactly I should be doing to support this sweet family. Trust me when I say I have been ALL over the map about it. I have tons more research to do before I make a final decision, but c'mon. Let's face it. There's a reason I never finished school. It's because I didn't know what to do then either! All I ever wanted to do was be a mom. Seriously. This sucks...sucks, sucks, sucks.

As I talked about it in therapy, my feelings were validated by my therapist. Of course I have good reason to be angry! Of course I have good reason to feel robbed of all I've ever wanted to do. However, I was given a much needed gentle reminder of how blessed I have been. Without all of the generous gifts of our friends, family, and complete strangers, I would never have been able to stay at home AT ALL. There are many women who have regretfully found themselves in my position as widow, and needed to start working almost immediately. I was reminded that I had been given an enormous gift, and it would do me well to remember it. It has helped me to have that perspective. I could not imagine having had to leave the girls with others when the pain was so new and raw just to go to work. I have indeed been blessed.

Another reason for my spiral downward came because of a simple concert. A concert that Naki would have LOVED to attend. There were several people that were going, and I of course was invited to go along, but couldn't bring myself to go. Everyone there, well, almost everyone there, was paired off in couples. Talk about a third wheel. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't go and be the one alone. It has been the most painful thing for me! Not because of this one concert, but because it's reminded me of all the things that I will not get to go to with him that we both always wanted to, and of all the times that I will be forced to make the decision to either go and be the third wheel, or not go and stay home alone. To me it's a lose lose situation, with no solution. I have talked to my therapist about this, too. (Seriously! What do people do without therapy?!) He told me that what I was experiencing was one of the reasons people in my situation remarry. Remarriage in a situation like mine has been something that I just have not been able to understand. How could anyone so in love, move on to someone else just because they're lonely? Well, not that I have ANY plans of remarriage, but having experienced a tip of the loneliness, I can understand others' need to remedy it. Personally, I'd rather be lonely than be with anyone other than Naki. But at least I can understand others a bit more through my experiences. I wonder if the loneliness completely goes away. Sure, you're not alone, but wouldn't you still feel a bit alone without someone you loved so much? Hmm...I wonder.

The pool we swim in every year has finally opened! All of us around here are very excited about that, since it's the focal point of our entire summer. Without it we'd wither in the heat and not know what to do with ourselves. I have been both excited about it opening and dreading it. Naki is the fish of this family. He has taught the first four girls how to swim and was starting to teach Eva at the end of last summer. He also human rockets the girls off his shoulders, let's them stand on his upraised arms like little cheerleaders and then drops them in the water, plays racing games in the pool imitating the sound of the olympic starting beeping sound, and much much more. Me? I sit on the side, dangle my toes in the water, sunbathe while watching the baby playing on the side of the pool, pass out snacks when necessary, and take kiddos potty when needed. It would be completely appropriate to say that I am angry with the change in the pool arrangements caused by Naki's death. I do not WANT to teach the other kids to swim, but must continue his efforts. I do not WANT to play in the pool. It is not refreshing to me. Even on the hot days, I feel cold and don't like how my hair dries when I get out. I'm aware that it makes me look strange to admit this outloud, but I don't care. I like to dive in now and then to cool off, but then like to climb out and sunbathe. On the rare occasion that I would stay in the water, it was only to cuddle and hang on to Naki for a while. I'm shameless...I'll take any opportunity that I can. Of course, it would only last very briefly since he's not a man for public displays of affection. But other than those times I was happy to be on the dry part of the swimming pool. Needless to say, things have changed. It's time to start coaching myself mentally in this area of my new life as well as all the other areas, to convince myself that I can do it, and that I might even enjoy it and learn something new about myself... Blah blah blah...

This past Wednesday evening we were finished swimming and I was working on collecting all our goggles, diving rings, and diving sticks when I noticed one on the bottom right in the middle of the deep end. Naki used to get those for me. I asked Line, who was still in the water, to go and grab it for me. What started out as a simple question turned into the shrieking moment of Amiron Pool history. Line will hate that I write this for others to read, but I only write it because I wanted to share what I learned from it. She was convinced that 1. it was too deep for her, which I knew that it was not since she touches the same depth, but on the side of the pool, every time we swim, 2. I was sending her to her death since she had learned last summer that they'd installed a safety on the pump located under a vent cover in the deep end, which would shut off if anyone's hair was sucked through and was being held onto the vent cover by the pressure of the pump, 3. That she would rather NEVER swim again if I didn't make her go down there. She asked me multiple times to hold her, hug her, but no matter what she would not stop shrieking, crying uncontrollably, and in general freaking out. I tried to remind her that such behavior was just not conducive to holding your breath, and that if she wanted to go home anytime soon she needed to cut it out. Now, I am Line's mother. I've been her mother for a while now, and know her pretty well. She's been somewhat dramatic since the day she was born, somewhat being the exaggeration of the century, and I've learned how to handle her in these situations. I knew that she HAD to do it now, just to teach herself what she was actually capable of. The more she fed herself the thoughts that she was incapable, the more she believed it. I was trying to talk to her and tell her that the more she told herself she COULD do it, the more she would believe that, instead. Wouldn't you know it, while I wasn't paying attention some little boy took the skimmer and skimmed it right off the bottom, walked over to me, and handed it to me. Good grief...that was not what I wanted. So I thanked him, and tossed it right back in the water. I KNEW she could do it, and we weren't going anywhere until she knew it. As I knew she would, eventually she calmed herself down and went right down to the bottom like the little fish's daughter that she is, and came back triumphant on the first dive. Later that night she came and apologized to me. She even admitted to me that all the shrieking and wailing had been for attention...the little bugger. It made me look like the meanest parent alive, but since when did I care what other people thought of me? I was confident in what I knew needed to happen, and that's all that mattered. The whole situation was, however, another ingredient in my downward spiral. In the past, even if Naki hadn't been there, I'd have been able to commiserate with him and he'd have been able to tell Line how ridiculous she'd been acting. Even she told me that Dad would have laughed at her outrageous behavior. But not being able to confirm with her Dad that I had in fact done the right thing made me question what I'd never questioned before. I hate being the only bad guy, the only good guy, the only discipliner, the only rewarder, the only live parent. It feels so burdensome, and you never have anyone there to back you up, to correct you, to comfort you, or to reassure you. All of the feelings I'd felt about the swimming pool in addition to my feelings about my parenting weighed me down.

As I drove home from the temple this morning crying, and really crying more today than I have in some time, I reflected quite a bit on Line's triumph over her swimming pool deep end woes. I realized that I truly believed what I had told her. She desperately, in that moment, needed to feed her soul thoughts of encouragement, confidence, optimism, and faith in order to triumph over her thoughts of self doubt, anxiety, and insecurity. I would do well, in my moments of despondency, to remember what she told me. Later in the evening I asked her what had been able to calm her down and she responded, "Mom, I said a prayer". Simple as that. Thanks for teaching me, girlies.

No Limits

Today was magnificent. We celebrated my nephew's high school graduation today. For some, this means a little get together, some visiting, maybe a game or two, and calling it good. For my Maile family, this means starting cooking at the park in the wee hours of the morning, snacking a bit on the nummy food as they cook. It means that we just had to get over to the park and play with all the cousins as soon as possible while the cooking continued. There were donuts for breakfast munchies, playground games and sliding/swinging, tree climbing, roller blading, skooters and bicycles, softball games, massages, lunch snacks, and families just hanging out as the morning moved into the afternoon. I eventually had to run the two littles home for naps while I showered, and then quickly headed back over to discover that water fights had occurred during my absence. The official party started soon after, where there was more hanging out together, eating, and tons more playing, including volleyball games, and lots more softball. Of course, we got hungry after all that playtime and so then nibbled just a bit more. Eventually, as the sun begins to set clean up and round up of all the things scattered around from the fun day begins. Everyone is dirty, giggly, sometimes whiney, but always happy. It just doesn't get any better.













Being with this amazing family, I know I've mentioned before, is the best thing for us. It feels the most whole to me. It's the closest I ever feel to Naki...ever. Without him on a daily basis feels to me like I'm a cup that no matter how hard I try I can never fill up to the top. When I'm surrounded by all of my Maile family it feels like my cup is filling up...never to the top, but filling up some.

I've been somewhat frustrated since Naki died that despite how soothing it feels to have this time with them, after everyone leaves and goes home I actually end up feeling worse, or my cup even less empty, than I did before we got together. I realized this evening why that is. When all my in-laws go home, they all go home with a tangible piece of that Maile pie with them. I, do not. Before, when we'd all depart from some fun-filled time spent together, Naki and I would come home together and, as corny as this sounds, glory in such amazing time spent as a family. We would unwind by discussing the different conversations we'd held with different family members throughout the day, fill each other in on something the other didn't know about what any particular child may have said or done, laughed as we recalled a funny moment, or just enjoyed sitting side by side relaxing after getting all the dirty children cleaned and in their beds. Those times after our Maile family get togethers is what I'm missing. Without it I feel such a let down after such precious and enjoyable time spent with my family. It doesn't seem to me to be the appropriate emotion after feeling it's complete opposite just minutes or hours before. Tonight I discovered a new habit of mine, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I realized that during that missing Naki unwind time I've felt the urge to text his brothers and sisters to tell them just a snipet of what I'd usually be telling him...a really small snipet, but a snipet just the same. So guys, sorry for always texting you after every get together to gush over all of you just to tell you how much I adore each and every one of you. But you mean everything to me, and by answering those texts you've helped, once again, to lessen some of the pain that I feel in missing my Baby.

Tonight as I was struggling I was praying to God and then talking to Naki. I just wanted to relieve some of my frustration to them both. All the pressure and stress of his absence came weighing down on me. The idea entered my mind and heart to sit down and read the scriptures. I do this all the time, but usually my free reading time at night I try and read some of the gospel study books I have, or really, any of the material I'm constantly combing over since Naki died. But despite how much I wanted to read those things, the thought just came to me very quietly yet resolutely, read the scriptures.

Okay. I can do that...if I could just stop crying long enough to see what's written, that is. Since Naki died I've been using his scriptures to read at night. It's amazing all the cross references and notes he has in there. I love reading what he's written. It helps me feel connected to him. He has all these sticky notes throughout his scriptures because there's just not room enough for him to write all of his amazing notes in the margins. :) I sat down and started reading, just randomly picking a spot. I'd been reading for several minutes, not really sure why I had felt so calm about the fact that I should sit down and read this very minute, when I turned the page to continue. I discovered a new sticky note, which was strange since I thought I had seen them all. Usually there is an outline to these notes, but this one is scripture references starting at the top and circling around the edges. But written smack dab in the center of it, he wrote these words. "DON'T LIMIT GOD!!", underlined twice. I couldn't believe it. I knew instantly as I read those words, that the impact they had on me in that precise moment was the exact reason I was supposed to have been reading my scriptures tonight. Both Naki and God were able to give me a slight chastising to all the griping I had been doing just moments before...how lovely. Two fer one. How perfect. But the truth in that statement I can not deny. God is limitless, and I would be better for remembering it in my down moments like these.