No Limits

Today was magnificent. We celebrated my nephew's high school graduation today. For some, this means a little get together, some visiting, maybe a game or two, and calling it good. For my Maile family, this means starting cooking at the park in the wee hours of the morning, snacking a bit on the nummy food as they cook. It means that we just had to get over to the park and play with all the cousins as soon as possible while the cooking continued. There were donuts for breakfast munchies, playground games and sliding/swinging, tree climbing, roller blading, skooters and bicycles, softball games, massages, lunch snacks, and families just hanging out as the morning moved into the afternoon. I eventually had to run the two littles home for naps while I showered, and then quickly headed back over to discover that water fights had occurred during my absence. The official party started soon after, where there was more hanging out together, eating, and tons more playing, including volleyball games, and lots more softball. Of course, we got hungry after all that playtime and so then nibbled just a bit more. Eventually, as the sun begins to set clean up and round up of all the things scattered around from the fun day begins. Everyone is dirty, giggly, sometimes whiney, but always happy. It just doesn't get any better.













Being with this amazing family, I know I've mentioned before, is the best thing for us. It feels the most whole to me. It's the closest I ever feel to Naki...ever. Without him on a daily basis feels to me like I'm a cup that no matter how hard I try I can never fill up to the top. When I'm surrounded by all of my Maile family it feels like my cup is filling up...never to the top, but filling up some.

I've been somewhat frustrated since Naki died that despite how soothing it feels to have this time with them, after everyone leaves and goes home I actually end up feeling worse, or my cup even less empty, than I did before we got together. I realized this evening why that is. When all my in-laws go home, they all go home with a tangible piece of that Maile pie with them. I, do not. Before, when we'd all depart from some fun-filled time spent together, Naki and I would come home together and, as corny as this sounds, glory in such amazing time spent as a family. We would unwind by discussing the different conversations we'd held with different family members throughout the day, fill each other in on something the other didn't know about what any particular child may have said or done, laughed as we recalled a funny moment, or just enjoyed sitting side by side relaxing after getting all the dirty children cleaned and in their beds. Those times after our Maile family get togethers is what I'm missing. Without it I feel such a let down after such precious and enjoyable time spent with my family. It doesn't seem to me to be the appropriate emotion after feeling it's complete opposite just minutes or hours before. Tonight I discovered a new habit of mine, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I realized that during that missing Naki unwind time I've felt the urge to text his brothers and sisters to tell them just a snipet of what I'd usually be telling him...a really small snipet, but a snipet just the same. So guys, sorry for always texting you after every get together to gush over all of you just to tell you how much I adore each and every one of you. But you mean everything to me, and by answering those texts you've helped, once again, to lessen some of the pain that I feel in missing my Baby.

Tonight as I was struggling I was praying to God and then talking to Naki. I just wanted to relieve some of my frustration to them both. All the pressure and stress of his absence came weighing down on me. The idea entered my mind and heart to sit down and read the scriptures. I do this all the time, but usually my free reading time at night I try and read some of the gospel study books I have, or really, any of the material I'm constantly combing over since Naki died. But despite how much I wanted to read those things, the thought just came to me very quietly yet resolutely, read the scriptures.

Okay. I can do that...if I could just stop crying long enough to see what's written, that is. Since Naki died I've been using his scriptures to read at night. It's amazing all the cross references and notes he has in there. I love reading what he's written. It helps me feel connected to him. He has all these sticky notes throughout his scriptures because there's just not room enough for him to write all of his amazing notes in the margins. :) I sat down and started reading, just randomly picking a spot. I'd been reading for several minutes, not really sure why I had felt so calm about the fact that I should sit down and read this very minute, when I turned the page to continue. I discovered a new sticky note, which was strange since I thought I had seen them all. Usually there is an outline to these notes, but this one is scripture references starting at the top and circling around the edges. But written smack dab in the center of it, he wrote these words. "DON'T LIMIT GOD!!", underlined twice. I couldn't believe it. I knew instantly as I read those words, that the impact they had on me in that precise moment was the exact reason I was supposed to have been reading my scriptures tonight. Both Naki and God were able to give me a slight chastising to all the griping I had been doing just moments before...how lovely. Two fer one. How perfect. But the truth in that statement I can not deny. God is limitless, and I would be better for remembering it in my down moments like these.