Boo

I'm fairly certain most know this by now, but I'm always surprised with each girlie how each of them are for sure their own individual selves. Ane is no exception. She lets me know every single day that she is here, and she is not to be ignored by being lumped into any category that any of her sisters qualify for. Just because "so and so" (fill in the blank with any of her sister's names) likes to do a particular thing, or likes to do it a particular way, does not mean that little Miss Ane-Boo will like it.

She has been advancing so much lately with her desire to be independent and being able to express it, even if it means getting hurt in the process. She makes me laugh with her stubborn little attitude. It's either laugh of scream in frustration...I pick laughing most of the time. This morning she was clinging to her stool, thinking she was about to drop off over an immense cliff. Ginny was standing RIGHT there. Ane was mad at her for something that had happened earlier, and even though it was obvious she needed help, she refused to ask for it. Both Ginny and I kept saying to her, "Ane, just say 'Help, Auntie...'", to which she would scream "No!" and then continue to flail and kick her little footsies which were only hanging about 4 inches from the floor. I'm not sure where her stubborn streak comes from. It's a toss up between Naki, myself, and then just her own little unique combination of the two. In defense of her freaking out about how high up she was, I discovered this different kitchen child booster system for our new stools. It's called Kaboost, and instead of sitting your kiddo in a chair that sits on top of a regular kitchen chair, you boost the chair instead. Here's Ane enjoying eating like her big sisters. I have considered getting a belt to strap her to the stool. I miss that about the high chair.





The other day she was running after one of her sisters and her mind was running WAY faster than the rest of her body. She tripped herself up and sent her head right into the edge of the door. She wailed about that for some time, but had no problems displaying her new squinty-eyed smile for the camera.




She was such a trooper this weekend. Ginny and all of my family were so helpful keeping her happy while I was constantly picking dancers up backstage and changing them for their next dance. They are officially even more amazing for their efforts after discovering yesterday at the Doctor's office that she has double ear infections. So that's why she's such a cranky pants. Poor baby. We have our fingers crossed that after tomorrow the medicine will have helped with her irritability and we'll see hopeful signs of the girlie we once knew.

You did what?

Last week while I was with the big girls at dance Auntie Ginny was holding down the fort with the littles during dinner and bath time. Eli, completely straight faces, came up to Ginny to inform her that earlier in the day she had fallen off her scooter and had scrambled her butt. Ahhh...I love these days when they mix up their words.

Time To Register

Many of you know that Naki ran his one and only 5k last 4th of July. I am so proud of him for doing something so very difficult...especially with the additional knowledge that I now have about his imperfect heart. It amazes me that he did what he did with a heart that was working extra extra hard the entire time. What an honor it was to run it with him. I am so grateful that the Lord allowed me that special memory with my baby.

I'm gearing up for the run this July, in honor of Naki. I've been trying to run outside at least once every week so that I can get used to running outside versus running on a treadmill. Very different experiences...I actually prefer the running that actually takes me somewhere. Today after I ran I got in my car to see how far it was. I was so thrilled to see that it was 6.2 miles! I was so proud of myself that it motivated me to finally sit down and register for the Freedom Run in July. No more putting it off. I hadn't registered thus far because the seed of an idea to run the 10k this year started growing in my heart and mind about a month ago. I remembered clearly how important it was to Naki last year to do something that was hard for him. I know that I could easily run the 5k, but in my heart I wasn't sure that by doing just the 5k I would be measuring up to his standard of challenging myself. Ever since I've had that thought I've been procrastinating registering...I wasn't sure if I could actually do the whole 6.2 miles. But after this morning, no more procrastination! I just registered myself, Line, Malia, Lose, and Eli...me for the 10k and the girlies for the 5k. I am so excited. After registering I went back and read the blog entry that Naki typed after running last year. It inspired me again to do hard things courageously. If you want to read it for some extra motivation to get yourself registered, click here.

???

What is going on? We're having meltdowns, screaming fits, yelling matches, hysterical crying, volatile arguments, unexplainable acts of defiance, and extreme exhaustion over here at the Maile house. It's as if I'm back to the first month of grieving. I've heard that around the 6th month they work deeper at their grief, but this is definitely more than I expected.

Hero

Tuesday night softball again tonight. I'm thrilled to announce that the pain that accompanied last week's games wasn't as intense this week. It was, however, a little of a shock as I was following Ane climbing on the bleachers to hear her keep saying, "Daddy, Daddy!" and pointing out to the field. I think she was seeing her uncles from a distance, but I will never doubt that children, especially young ones, are privy to some things that I am not. You just never know.

Lose threw an especially large fit when I told her it was time to leave. We HAD to leave because Malia was at dance and we were due to pick her up in less than 10 minutes. She said some pretty awful things to me, so awful that even Eli said, "Wow, Lose. That's not nice to say to Mom." You know it's not very nice if Eli judges the comments to be pretty harsh...seeing how she delivers some doosies herself every now and then. As we were finally climbing the stairs up into the house from the garage, Lose started to complain about something. I told her, "Lose, I think it's better for you to just not talk anymore. I'm trying really hard to not get mad at you right now.", to which she replied, "Well, I'm trying really hard to not get mad at YOU right now". A natural reaction of mine would be to tell her to stop sassing me, but it occured to me that she actually had taken quite a large step back from her awful fit throwing, and was now doing as she'd been asked. Her statement to me wasn't a statement of sass at all. She actually was trying really hard to not get mad at me! I found a bit of humor in our interaction. Currently she blows her top majorly and then feels awful about it. She constantly tells me after she's calmed down, "Mom, I'm just a dirty rat!" I've asked her where she ever heard that, and what being a rat has anything to do with not listening to me. Does she know something about rats that I don't? Do they have a hard time with being strong spirited, too? I told her that I think rats are amazing because of the overall discontempt they have to endure on a daily basis...I think they're pretty brave and courageous. And they're dirty because they are willing to eat and live where no one else will. She doesn't agree with me because it takes all the credibility out of her theory that she's a dirty rat. How I adore that girl.

It's ironic. None of the girls ever want to leave the softball fields. I tell them that it's bedtime, not to mention that we have to take a bath when we get home. They all swear that they're not tired at all. But wouldn't you know when we get home they're all dragging their feet, insisting that they are now, suddenly, just too exhausted to take a bath. Tonight after I shuttled little kiddos through the bathtub, older kiddos now shower all on their own!, and was draining the tub, one of the girls pointed to a dark ring around the bathtub. "What's that line?", someone asked me. "That, girlies, is the filth that we just washed off of your little tushies from the softball fields". "Eeew!", they all exclaimed in unison.

The extra amount of work that softball games have always brought into my life and the extra amount of energy necessary is exhausting and dirty. But the girls have such fun being there, and it provides us with time together as a family, which I wouldn't trade for the world. Plus I really do love the few glimpses of the game that I actually get to see. I feel guilty imagining myself not going to a game. But I try to remind myself that I didn't attend all the games when Naki was alive, it's certainly nothing to feel disloyal about if I don't feel up to all the extra work.

On the way home from the game the girls were watching the movie called Nim's Island. It's truly one of my new favorite movies. In the movie there is a famous author who writes adventure books that the girl in the movie loves to read. There is a quote from a character in the book who says repeatedly to himself, "I must be the hero of my own life story, I must be the hero of my own life story, I must be the hero of my own life story", whenever he's in a bind that looks impossible to remove himself from. I've thought about that idea many a time since Naki died. I am the only one who can be the hero of my own life story. No one can do any of this for me. How grateful I am for the second chance I have been given to turn to the Savior and come to know Him better. I am ashamed to admit that it has taken such a painful experience to bring me to Him. I knew that there was much room for improvement in my personal relationship with the Savior, and that there was much I needed to study and pray about in order to obtain the relationship with Him that I wanted. Ever the procrastinator, I've relied so much on Naki's spiritual strength and never ending faith to carry our family and to carry me. I've lost track of the hundreds of conversations that Naki and I have had that ended in him telling me, "It'll be okay, Abby. You just need to have more faith."

I've been going weekly to my therapy sessions. Each morning before the appointment time I think to myself, "I don't think I need to go anymore...I can't think of anything that I need to talk about that I haven't already discussed." And each time I've concluded a session with the therapist I'm amazed at the connections I've made about my thought processes and what I need to examine within myself. Last week I was shocked to realize that I am not only mourning Naki in this life, but that because of some of my views on the nature and lifestlye of "Heaven", I'm mourning him there, too. Where did I get such strange views? Where have those assumptions come from and what are they based on? I'm still working through all of it, and havn't finished that self-examination process as of yet. But it occurred to me that the root of my assumptions is actually a lack of faith. Many of the things that I want to know are things that cannot be completely known at this time. They are things that no one could possibly know. I don't think it's necessary to make a list here...I'd be here for a long time if I did that. But it's shocking to me that each and every thing on my list of unanswered questions can all essentially be linked to my lack of faith in God's plan for me, His love for me, and even my lack of faith in Naki. How could I not trust God and not trust Naki?

This six month mark in our grief is really hitting all of us really hard. Just when I felt we were really making progress it actually feels like we're starting back at square one. In different ways, some of us are dealing with abandonment issues. For Lose, Eli, and Eva there has been a definite theme to their pain this last two weeks. We believe that our bodies are a temporary house for our eternal spirits and that when we die our spirits live on while our bodies die. We highly anticipate the day of the Savior's coming again to the earth, and believe that at such time our bodies and spirits will be reunited, never to be separated again. As peaceful as this is for us, it's also confused the younger kids. Not knowing when the Savior will come is a hard concept for them to wrap their still developing minds around. To them it could be today, tomorrow, and even as far away as next week. But certainly to them it is never seen in months, years, or even lifetimes. This last two weeks has been awful to hear them voice their thoughts of feeling like Jesus will never come, which in turn means that, in their words, "Dad isn't coming back alive". It's as if they're dealing with his death for the first time again. It has been so painful to hear them express their feelings of feeling like Dad left them, and that he doesn't want to come back or he would've by now. It's excruciating to be holding your little one after an overwhelming tantrum over something completely illogical only to have them leap from being upset about that and then in the same breath say that "Dad doesn't love me...Dad doesn't like me." How many ways can you reassure your child that their Dad does love them and would do anything for them, when the one thing they want him to do he physically can not?

One night this week I was praying for the girls and their anguish that they feel, and felt overwhelmed as I realized that I, too, feel abandoned by Naki. Although very similar in the way abandonment feels, mine stems from a different cause. I have prayed and prayed fervently since Naki died to have my Spirit be open to his Spirit, so that I might have some kind of spiritual communication with him. By this I mean I've wanted to see him literally, as some have had experiences like that. Or even undoubtedly feel his presence in a room, as others have had experiences like that as well. I think it's obvious why I would want that experience. I miss him. 'Nuff said. And I feel abandoned by him because he doesn't fulfill this need of mine, when he's always fulfilled all of my needs since we've met. It's an extremely unfamiliar and awfully painful experience. I trust him with all of myself completely and he has never done or said anything to me to question that trust. As more and more time passes without any communication from him, I've thought a lot about my desire. I was reading an article written by Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I was struck still as I read words that immediately taught me an invaluable lesson.

"The scriptures teach us that faith comes by hearing the word of God. The word of God, which comes to us by scripture, by prophetic teaching, and by personal revelation, teaches us that we are children of God the Eternal Father. It teaches us about the identity and mission of Jesus Christ, His Only Begotten Son, our Savior and Redeemer. Founded on our knowledge of those things, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is a conviction and trust that God knows us and loves us and will hear our prayers and answer them with what is best for us.

Faith in the Lord is trust in the Lord. We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing. As a result, no matter how strong our faith is, it cannot produce a result contrary to the will of Him in whom we have faith. Remember that when your prayers do not seem to be answered in the way or at the time you desire. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord. When we have that kind of faith and trust in the Lord, we have true security and serenity in our lives."

I knew the moment I read those words that I needed to adjust how I was praying. I was so intent on the experience that I wanted that I wasn't showing trust in the Lord, and trusting that He knows what experiences are best for me. Will I someday have those spirit to spirit communications with Naki? Maybe. Is it right now? Apparently not. It doesn't just happen instantly, but I'm trying to trust in and have faith in the Lord and in Naki that they have not abandoned me. Just because I do not see, hear, or feel them physically near, does not mean that I should lose my trust and faith in both of them.

This being my own hero thing is without a doubt one of the most real, honest, raw, and fulfilling experiences. No one can bring me closer to the Savior but me. I must be the hero of my own life story.

Hide

Tonight I just want to hide. From everything. Having so many things that require my attention is perfect because it really does keep my mind occupied. Keeping busy is good. And by things I don't mean my kids necessarily, but all that comes with that...school schedules, field trips, birthday parties (times 3 this week), dance classes, workouts, family relationships, summer clothes shopping, groceries, a broken fridge, cleaning up after said birthday parties, dirty laundry or more specifically a lack of clean underwear due to all the dirty laundry, etc etc. Looking over that list it differs not a bit from any other parents' list that I know of. However, I feel that for me, only in comparison to me pre-widow days, on the days when there is nothing more that I'd rather do than crawl in a hole, or for more comfortable purposes, my bed, and stay there for an indefinite period of time, it seems I have to just keep pushing through the pain...just keep pushing through the pain...just keep pushing through the pain. I want these days for the girls to be days they can look back on with good memories despite the pain they were experiencing. And that keeps me going. I am so glad that we were able to celebrate Naki's birthday yesterday. And I feel so glad that Line had a great birthday celebration today. But now, having survived such an emotionally draining two days, I just want to burrow under my heavenly new bedding and stay there until I feel like coming out. That, sadly, will never happen. Church comes bright and early at 8:30 tomorrow. And the only way to get there smoothly is for me to rise bright and early by 6:00.

I'm frustrated with myself tonight. I feel so discontent, and it feels uncomfortable and awkward. I feel like a puzzle that is always missing pieces. I was trying to explain how I felt to Ginny earlier tonight, and had a realization about myself that I don't care for. I discovered that there are very few times in my life where I've allowed myself to feel pleased or peaceful with my current recipe, no matter what the ingredients are. Was I happy during high school? No. I always wished I could find a boy that I truly liked, not to mention I didn't even know who I was yet. Was I completely happy when I was engaged? No...because I allowed myself to be weighed down by the burdens of finances and the unknown of where we'd live or how we'd support ourselves or what any of our future held. Was I peaceful during our entire marriage? No. I was constantly battling hormones due to 6 pregnancies in 8 1/2 years, or stressing about finances again. I think the only time I've truly allowed myself peace was when Naki and I were dating before we left on our missions, and on our wedding day. Other than that, I've always allowed the feelings that came from those things that were unresolved or unanswered to overcome any positive feelings that came from any blessings the Lord has seen fit to give me.

Right now feels the worst, in regards to the negative feelings outweighing my positive feelings that come from all my many blessings. I must give myself credit where credit is due, however. At least I'm finally at a point in my grieving where I can honestly see blessings in my life besides my children, and not admit to knowing them while rolling my eyes. I earnestly see all that I am blessed with, and yet I am discontent.

My thoughts bring me to a verse in the Book of Mormon. I just put my computer aside to look for the exact chapter and verse where this scripture I'm thinking of is located, and couldn't find it. Instead, I opened immediately to this verse.

Alma 34:41 But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.

That verse so perfectly describes how I function every day. I am only able to be in places and situations that honestly make me want to just scream "I don't want to be doing this!" because I have a huge huge hope for the day when the girls and I can rest from this awful affliction. However, screaming outloud gets me no where fast, and I know because I've tried it, darn it.

Only after I read that verse did I find the one I was searching for. It's a couple of chapters before the other one I'd read.

Alma 29:1 and 3 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart...but behold, I am a (wo)man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

I have a feeling this kind of character flaw doesn't go away easily, especially since I've refined and polished it so very well over the years. I've tried to figure out how to change this part of myself, and although I have a couple of ideas, I'm open to suggestions.

Happy Birthday Dad

It's Naki's birthday today. I've thought a lot about this day, knowing that it is one of those things that will be coming around once a year as a reminder of him. What exactly does one do on a deceased loved one's birthday? Everyone has their own ideas and I've heard several. I've picked a couple of things to do, and realize that as time passes the girls' desire to do those same things may change, and that it is important for me to be open to the promptings I receive as to what they need. Today it's quite cold, windy, and rainy outside, so spending some time up at his grave is once again going to be quick and speedy. I asked the girls to either draw Dad a picture, write him a note, or in Lose's case, a knock knock joke to take up to his grave. Lose didn't want to participate at first, and after some discussion confessed that if she wrote Dad a note she would cry, and then she would cry so loud that it would wake up her napping sisters, and then I would get mad at her. I reassured her that I would not get mad at her for crying, and then asked her if there was anything else that she could think of that Dad would like to hear from her. And that is where the idea for the knock knock joke came from. Eli was somewhat confused at the idea of leaving things at Dad's grave that he'll never get, and after some discussion with her we concluded together that it is nice to do something to remember Dad, and that someday she'll be able to talk to him about all the different ways she tried to remember him and show her love for him.

Does this ever get any easier? Last night I was talking to Eva about the fact that Dad's birthday was going to be the next day...she lit up and thought that meant that he would be returning today. It is so difficult to have to retell her over and over that he will stay dead for an indefinite amount of time, until the Second Coming. Her therapist tells me that for children at that age it feels like abandonment...the last thing Naki would willingly do to his family. I just keep trying to reassure her of how much her Dad loves her, and pray that eventually the Spirit will bring peace to her soul.

As I've contemplated this day, I wondered if it was appropriate to keep adding years to his age, in other words, saying for this year, "Happy what-would-have-been 33rd Birthday!". I've decided against it. He never will be that age, and it seems harsh and painful to give a constant reminder of what would have been. Instead, we're going with plain old "Happy Birthday". We are getting a cake and will be getting together with our beloved Maile Family this evening...always a balm to mine and the girlies' souls.

I got to spend the majority of today with Line on a field trip. It was wonderful, and I know that spending time with her is just what Naki would've loved to do on his birthday if he were still alive.

This morning after I dropped the little girlies off at Grandpa and Grandma Maile's house I was driving home and talking to Heavenly Father on the way. I realized that I was especially teary, and made the discovery that it's not helpful to my already sensitive tear ducts to have incredibly moving soundtrack music (in this case, the music from the movie Australia) playing in the background. No one needs their very own prayer soundtrack. I got a good laugh at myself, turned off the music, and felt a little more emotionally stable.

Babe, I miss you! Please continue to give me strength to do alone what we had planned to do together. I still don't feel you near. But I believe that someday when we are together again it will become so clear to me the times you were close. Either I'll have huge realizations or you'll oh-so-gently tell me what I'd missed all along. :) Happy Birthday.