Tonight I just want to hide. From everything. Having so many things that require my attention is perfect because it really does keep my mind occupied. Keeping busy is good. And by things I don't mean my kids necessarily, but all that comes with that...school schedules, field trips, birthday parties (times 3 this week), dance classes, workouts, family relationships, summer clothes shopping, groceries, a broken fridge, cleaning up after said birthday parties, dirty laundry or more specifically a lack of clean underwear due to all the dirty laundry, etc etc. Looking over that list it differs not a bit from any other parents' list that I know of. However, I feel that for me, only in comparison to me pre-widow days, on the days when there is nothing more that I'd rather do than crawl in a hole, or for more comfortable purposes, my bed, and stay there for an indefinite period of time, it seems I have to just keep pushing through the pain...just keep pushing through the pain...just keep pushing through the pain. I want these days for the girls to be days they can look back on with good memories despite the pain they were experiencing. And that keeps me going. I am so glad that we were able to celebrate Naki's birthday yesterday. And I feel so glad that Line had a great birthday celebration today. But now, having survived such an emotionally draining two days, I just want to burrow under my heavenly new bedding and stay there until I feel like coming out. That, sadly, will never happen. Church comes bright and early at 8:30 tomorrow. And the only way to get there smoothly is for me to rise bright and early by 6:00.
I'm frustrated with myself tonight. I feel so discontent, and it feels uncomfortable and awkward. I feel like a puzzle that is always missing pieces. I was trying to explain how I felt to Ginny earlier tonight, and had a realization about myself that I don't care for. I discovered that there are very few times in my life where I've allowed myself to feel pleased or peaceful with my current recipe, no matter what the ingredients are. Was I happy during high school? No. I always wished I could find a boy that I truly liked, not to mention I didn't even know who I was yet. Was I completely happy when I was engaged? No...because I allowed myself to be weighed down by the burdens of finances and the unknown of where we'd live or how we'd support ourselves or what any of our future held. Was I peaceful during our entire marriage? No. I was constantly battling hormones due to 6 pregnancies in 8 1/2 years, or stressing about finances again. I think the only time I've truly allowed myself peace was when Naki and I were dating before we left on our missions, and on our wedding day. Other than that, I've always allowed the feelings that came from those things that were unresolved or unanswered to overcome any positive feelings that came from any blessings the Lord has seen fit to give me.
Right now feels the worst, in regards to the negative feelings outweighing my positive feelings that come from all my many blessings. I must give myself credit where credit is due, however. At least I'm finally at a point in my grieving where I can honestly see blessings in my life besides my children, and not admit to knowing them while rolling my eyes. I earnestly see all that I am blessed with, and yet I am discontent.
My thoughts bring me to a verse in the Book of Mormon. I just put my computer aside to look for the exact chapter and verse where this scripture I'm thinking of is located, and couldn't find it. Instead, I opened immediately to this verse.
Alma 34:41 But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.
That verse so perfectly describes how I function every day. I am only able to be in places and situations that honestly make me want to just scream "I don't want to be doing this!" because I have a huge huge hope for the day when the girls and I can rest from this awful affliction. However, screaming outloud gets me no where fast, and I know because I've tried it, darn it.
Only after I read that verse did I find the one I was searching for. It's a couple of chapters before the other one I'd read.
Alma 29:1 and 3 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart...but behold, I am a (wo)man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.
I have a feeling this kind of character flaw doesn't go away easily, especially since I've refined and polished it so very well over the years. I've tried to figure out how to change this part of myself, and although I have a couple of ideas, I'm open to suggestions.
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Sorry you are feeling so blue, dear. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAbby-
ReplyDeleteYou don't know how often I think of you and your little girls. Every time I think of being frustrated at Cliff for something he has done or hasn't don't for that fact, or times when I am yelling at my kids,...I think of you. You AMAZE me in the short amount of time that I have seen you with your family. I even think of you at church and want to use you as an example to share with everyone that I know because you have made an impression on my heart and I wish that everyone could not just know you (cause that isn't possible), but at least see who you are as a person. I have learned lots from reading your blog about using those tender teaching moments and not just blowing off questions or comments that my children make. And by the way, I think that all of us at some point in time always think the grass is greener on the other side instead of being content with where we are at the moment.
My dear Abby, you are such a strength to me. As I was having a bad night last night and failing so much at being a good mother, I thought of you and the amazing example that you are to me. You somehow make it through every day, even when you want to hide. You show those sweet little girls of yours how much they are loved and you do it so well. I know that they never doubt your love for them because I've seen the adoration in their eyes and heard it in the way they talk about you. They are so very, very blessed to have you as a mother. I'm pretty sure that last night my kids would've traded me in for another mom in two seconds flat.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve so much credit and I'm glad you are starting to see those blessings. I think it's always hard to see the happiness in your situation, especially when you're in it. I wouldn't say it's a character flaw because I think most people feel that way, but rather something that we all need to strive to do. We're here to find happiness and I think that it's not just an easy thing to do. It requires our work and it requires our recognition of it when we do find it. I certainly don't have any suggestions myself but when you figure it out, as I'm sure you will, I hope to learn it from you, just like everything else. Love you a ton, Abby!
My sweet Abby, I don't necessarily think it's a character flaw but a human flaw. As mothers, we're all discontent about where we are in life. I think we're like this so we can keep moving forward, so our families can keep moving forward. You did say you can see your blessings, so you're not entirely discontent with the life you're leading. You're experiencing something that no one wants to experience so it's ok to experience discomfort and a desire to move forward. Alma also said in chapter 34 that we must experience exquisite pain to experience exquisite joy. We can't know one without the other. I adore you. I wish I had suggestions. Perhaps having some super fun time with Ariane would help. :-)
ReplyDeleteSo, here's a clue...consider the source. When your desire to grow from plateau to plateau deflates you; contrast that feeling from the one that lifts your wings to fly from plateau to plateau. You have an innate gift to seek for your celestial-self. Satan knows that and tries to flatten your soul as you reflect...so...let Christ use your sweet gift of seeking perfection to encourage you and lead you on. In other words, occassionally glance back to see where you were to give you joyful energy to move to where you can be...which is...in a word...AMAZING!! Which, having read your blog and the comments of those who read it; most certainly should be considered as the title of your book...AMAZING!!...because we all see that you are... Satan hasn't got a chance...just smile him right out of the picture and SOAR!! Love, mom/gma
ReplyDeleteOooo...GIRL! We should chat!
ReplyDeleteI don't really have any suggestions...I just TOTALLY KNOW what you mean!
P.S. When's the last time you had a girls' night out?
Today we had fast and testimony meeting (next week is Stake Conference). I remember thinking... I'm not really in the mood for fast meeting. I hope I don't look at the clock too much today....
ReplyDeleteBut something amazing happened. The spirit shined through. I cried through testimonies and I should have gotten up.... but I didn't because I wasn't really sure what words needed to come out. Instead I wrote a letter.... it helped me so much. But like you, scriptures came to me. I love that feeling. I have no clue where things are and today I was inspired by them.
Abby, I think of you often and know things are tough. I know Naki is with you, even if you don't feel it. He is there. I went to a wedding a month ago and the Bride's Grandmother was in tears. She had lost her husband last summer and in the Temple she wasn't sure he was there. I know he was there. Like I know Naki is there for you.
Remember the Lord isn't going to give you anything He knows you can't handle.
Again, thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with us all.
Abby, it has been FAR too long since I read your sweet blog. Earl really liked being able to talk to you a bit at the primary activity on Sat. He was SO thrilled that Eva sat on his lap and read him that little book. Please know how much we love you all!
ReplyDeletei have never met you but through your blog i have learned so much!!!! You are a wonderful human being!!!!! Thank you for your honesty!!
ReplyDelete