Just another Musing Monday

I, or should I say we, made it through another day without Daddy. I'm pleasantly surprised at the things we accomplished today, because of how unsure I was about this day when it started. I decided after the funeral was over that it was time to get the kids back in school and time to get some routine and consistency back into our lives...I believe I mentioned the routine in an earlier post. So we woke this morning, much to my chagrin, back at 6:00 and got the morning rolling with scripture study. We got out the door on time, but had to turn around twice before we actually "left". First it was to return and get Lose's special necklace that has a picture of the girls and Naki on it. She was desperate to wear it to school. At first I wanted to have them only wear it on special occasions but then decided that if they wanted to feel that they were closer to him just by having a picture of him close by, then so be it. I'll keep buying more and more necklaces if they get lost or broken. The second time we turned around it was because Line forgot one of his sweatshirts that she wanted to wear to school. Technically, I guess she didn't forget. But when we dropped the little girls off at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house she saw Malia wearing one and was just had to wear one as well. So back home we went. Some of the school aged girls were chomping at the bit to get back and be involved and busy. Others had trepidation that someone would want to talk to them about what had happened, and didn't really feel ready. I was thrilled to find that when I picked them up from school that all had gone well. Line's teacher, I know I mentioned before in another post, is the wife of the man that baptized my parents. She and her husband have been over to the house many times over the past week and a half to talk and help in any way that they could. She let the girls come and eat lunch with her today, and Lose informed me that she told her that she could come to her room to cry in private any time she wished...apparently Lose was sharing with her that I had told them that there is no need to hide their tears if they feel like crying. I've also told them that it's okay to be sad and not have tears...you don't have to cry to show sorrow. So, *whew*. One day down, and the rest to go.

I think it was good for the little ones to be back with their Maile family in the morning while I was at the gym. Dad Maile told me that Ane couldn't stop staring at him or following him around wherever he went, which was unusal for her. It must have felt good to see a loving brown face...I miss that, too, Ane. As for me, at least I can say I went to the gym. I know myself well enough to know that it's important for my well being in all areas to get those endorphins movin' around, or released, or whatever it is they do when you work out. I just felt better knowing that I had done it, and know that Naki is proud of me for doing something that I truly haven't yet learned to enjoy.

After the gym, I headed over to the wonder of a place...a shopping center that was genious enough to put Ross, TJ Maxx, and Old Navy all together, right in a row on the same sidewalk. I had returns to take in all three stores from the day before Naki died. I knew I needed to do it, but wondered at how it would play out. I haven't shared much on here yet about how the girls are doing individually, and I don't know how much I will include. To me it is somewhat of a private journey, and respect their own healing, but at the same time feel like it would be beneficial to those around them to know what their needs are and if anything, to have some understanding into what's going on in their difficult yet marvelous lives. But I will say that Eva is currently giving me a run for my money in all parenting departments. She is purposefully belligerent and likes to find "opposition in all things", so to speak. She is quite emotional, and has high and low spikes between happy and horrible moments. Wow...I think I just described myself! I can just hear Naki saying, "Who is she named after?". Needless to say, it was an interesting shopping experience. She didn't want to go anywhere I was going, and she would just run in the opposite direction when I called her name. Truthfully, I didn't need to go to the gym afterall because I was carrying Ane, my returns, trying to keep Eli in sight, and chasing down Eva in every store. When I'd finally catch her, she'd go limp, lay prostrate in the middle of the store, and proclaim loudly, "I'm too seepy...I'm going to seep." Yeah...real fun. But we did it. Sometimes I confuse myself because I don't want like I said before, the pitying glances, but in some situations I'd just like to proclaim to everyone around by maybe me or the girls wearing a sign or something that stated, "Widow in mourning", or "This child just lost her father", or "I really am a good parent" while my child stands on the little platform in Old Navy posing with, or hugging all of the manequins and refusing to get down while she knows I can't possibly squeeze between all of them without toppling all of them over to get to her. But after all of that growth-promoting time at the stores I was lucky and blessed enough to come home to a spit-spot tidy home, freshly polished, bathrooms cleaned, garage organized, carpets with vacuum lines in them, and lunch waiting for me and the kids. What would I do without my Dad here...sorry Mom, but I don't think you're getting him back anytime soon. He is marvelous.

The next challenge for the day came after the girlies came home from school. We have a October tradition that we've done as a family ever since Line was teeny tiny. We drive over to Santaquin and go to The Red Barn where we get to chugg-along on a used-to-be-hay-ride now a tractor ride out to the pumpkin patch and the kiddos get to pick out their own pumpkins. Just a couple days before Naki died he and I had planned on doing this today. He'd even promised the girls that they could get these doughnuts that they make there that we stumbled upon last year. They're covered in granulated sugar, and smell like Fall Heaven with yummy spices and pumpkin love. So, Grandfather, the girlies, and I headed on over. And you know what? We did it...and it was surprisingly, at least for me in the moment, without tears. I think it's because doing something like that doesn't leave a lot of time for retrospective pondering...you're just too busy hollering at Lose to back up from the barbed wire fence where the horses bordered the pumpkin patch, or trying to catch Eli when she tripped on one of the water irrigation hoses and fell face first in the dirt and dried pumpkin vines, or trying to stop Eva from throwing the rocks up in the air behind her that she already swore she was sorry for but still kept sneaking around doing. She only actually hit one person with a rock, and it was one of her own sisters. Maybe after all Mom, you might get Dad back sooner than later...it gets pretty tricky and crazy around here. I'm pretty sure that throughout the day at least one person is in tears...

Between Dad and I we successfully did both dinner and baths...it was time to tackle Family Home Evening. At one point I told the girls that I didn't care if I had to yell over all the different periods of crying...usually it's one person first. Then they stop and someone else starts, etc. etc. But I told them I didn't care if I had to speak REALLY loudly, that we were going to have FHE and we were going to get blessed just for the effort of doing it. But we actually had a sweet lesson. It was the first time everyone was peaceful all at the same time...even if it was for just a couple of minutes. It felt marvelous and good. And the biggest miracle came at the very end of the day...

No One Cried Themself To Sleep!!!

This is a huge first for our house. No one needed me to stay by their bed as they cried about missing their dad. It seems that this time of day brings out the most tears. They all managed to stay in their bed, or at least when they were told to get back in their bed Niagra Falls didn't start flowing. Thus, I have to time to post.

I'm sure I'll feel like this a lot...shock that we actually made it through an entire day without Dad, and I'm even more sure that it won't feel like shock some day but will be normal. But for now, I feel so loved and lifted by my Father in Heaven that I can put my head on my pillow tonight and feel relief that I made it through yet one more day without my best friend to talk to about it.

Journaling....

I'm awake...I don't really want to be awake. These days I feel like I could just sleep forever. Almost like I have felt when I was pregnant. Just a different kind of fatigue. But this is the time of day that the girlies have always woken up and are still waking up, so I'm up. I've felt the need to post something for a while, but honestly do not know where I would begin. I think I might just skip the last week for now, and post things as they come to me. I received a blessing years and years ago that told me that I needed to keep a journal and that I should read it in times of discouragement and despondency. Although this isn't the traditional journal and it certainly isn't very private, for now I'll start in here. Naki always loves reading the posts that I write. In fact, if I haven't posted for a while, he lets me know. Apparently he checks, and often. I feel his influence strongly that keeping this going is important. So, I'll do my best.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My parents, brother, and Aunt left for the airport early in the morning. But they did not leave me stranded! They left me with one of the most competant and loving ladies, my sister Ginny. We spent the morning doing our usual morning type things. I can not wait to get routine back into the girls' lives. I think there are great benefits for kids having a routine...always have felt that way. I felt strongly that we should be in church this Sunday. However, our Primary program is today, and what with the crazy chaos of this past week, the girls havn't really had any practice with their Primary. So that meant that I needed to help them get to church on Saturday for the last practice and the pizza party afterwards. I am so proud of these girls. They are obviously struggling with many things right now. But with love and reassurance eventually they were all 4 (primary aged girlies) able to go and sit with their classes. While I was sitting there listening to all the kids, I was finally able to discover the word that adequately describes what I've been feeling lately. I had originally only been able to think of the word Sad, but it just didn't completely match my emotions. It came to me that what I'm actually feeling is disappointment. Acute disappointment. Over the past week I've had some amazing spiritual confirmations on the strength I have in the Lord and the tender mercies that have led up to this most difficult time for me and the girls. But it doesn't erase the fact that there are so many disappointments over expectations for my future experiences that are forever altered. I wonder when that feeling either lessens, which I doubt, or I'm given the strength to cope and combat those heart wrenching emotions.

We came home from the Primary practice and I was so glad that we had gone. Being involved with people socially has never really been my thing, but I'm channeling some Naki lately and am trying to follow his example in that part of my life.

After a much needed nap, which by the way I totally slept through my alarm to wake me up!, we all rushed around getting gear gathered, shoes on, blankets ready, and bottles pre-made for the BYU football game. Thanks to some work I think on my brother Matt Brousseau's part in talking with our family in the BYU football offices, we were able to get some tickets. For me, it wasn't about the actual game, although that is always a fun atmosphere to be in, win or lose. For me it was carrying on an activity that Naki would be doing if he were here. I don't know how that boy always manages it, but he always has a ticket to the games that he never has to purchase! So we had a great time eating in the alumni tent, visiting with Lavell, walking down onto the field, and being able to bow our heads in a moment of silence for our sweet Daddy as they flashed his picture on the replay screen. We eventually made it over to our seats which were perfect. The girls loved being there, but I have to admit, I think their favorite part was being able to eat food from the concessions while we watched. I had anticipated a difficult experience, as far as managing all the kids throughout the game, since not all of them would love watching the entire time. But because of all of my sisters helping me, it was fantastic. Mid-way through the game another batch of family departed for their homes in Idaho. How I'll miss the comfort of having them all near. But I'm grateful for the sacrifices that all have no doubt made on our behalf.

For today, my goal is to make it through church. Naki has always been the one to handle Ane throughout all 3 hours, so that will be new for me. Plus it is always difficult for me to see people's pitying glances. Different things, often unexpected, make me cry. For those of you reading this, remember that just because I'm crying doesn't mean I can't go on. It's one of those most unexpected experiences I've thus encountered...grieving. There are no written rules, just guidelines, left for those going though it to interpret for themselves.

Naki

This is Katie - Abby's little sister. I am just logging on to let those of you who don't yet know that Naki passed away early this morning. I'll let Abby post later with details or whatever she sees fit.
This is a terrible heartbreaking loss. Naki was a great loving man, brother, son, husband, and father. He will truly be missed and it's going to take some time to adjust to this horrible change. But for now, Abby and her girls are devastated and in shock. They are doing as good as could be expected. Here in Orem we are working on funeral arrangements and will post and let all of you know when and where. For those of you that want to help. . . The girls are really in shock and need some quiet loving attention from their mom and close family. Abby is amazing and strong and truly showing her strength.

We have set up a bank account for donotions for their little family - they are going to need them. For those of you who would like to help - this is truly what they need at this time.
You can call or go to Wells Fargo and donate to the account under the "Naki Maile Family.

Please please pray for this family.

Katie

I'm not torturing her, I promise.

Lose finally stepped over the threshold of the land of cute little adorable perfectly aligned baby teeth into the land of the Oh. My. Goodness. Are they going to stay like that forever?-land. She lost her very first tooth last month. She so badly wanted to pull it out all by herself, and it was more than ready for a very long time. I guess those little buggers can really hold on if no food or water ever touches them. She avoided letting anything get near that tooth, I think because of the fear of the pain that most associate with "losing a tooth". That poor little guy was barely hangin' on by the time I got to it. Yup. I yanked it out. Just couldn't stand it anymore. I knew she wanted it out, she knew she wanted it out, Dad knew she wanted it out, her sisters knew she wanted it out, we ALL knew that she wanted it out 'cuz that's all she talked about. And so it's out. I am not torturing her to death...it's just that the fear of the unknown pain got the best of her...

Mommy Time!

Well this week was a time for Mom to go visit her family and have some well deserved Mommy Time! So I took Thursday and Friday off from work to be Daddy! This was a busy weekend for us here, but we just made do and kept moving forward.

Thursday Morning I got to sing for A Charity event in Taylorsville. We had to be there at 6 am! But since it was for the Relief Effort for the Tsunami in the South Pacific it made it all worth it. It went well, but the best part of it was feeling like I was able to contribute in some small way!



Then it was off to Happy Valley to say goodbye to Abby before she left to catch her flight and to pick up Eli from Grandma's and Grandpa's house. Then off to make a quick pit stop and change of clothes, then on to school to pick up the three big girls. We were honored to be asked to sing as a family for our beloved friend Andrew Johnson who passed away on Monday. (We'll blog more about him on another post) So we went there and sang Love at Home and said our goodbyes. He was a great man and a great friend!

I'm not mom, so by this time I was a little overwhelmed at how action packed this day was so the big girls didn't go back to school after the funeral. We did a lot of hanging out at Grandpa's house then we had dance, dinner and bedtime. I realized I didn't really have a plan for while mom was gone. I think I just ignored it, pretending that it wasn't going to really happen... I had to make a plan for the rest of the weekend. I wanted to do something fun and rewarding but still be able to keep it as normal as possible.

Unfortunately, Friday didn't start normal because Line woke me up and said, "Dad should we wake up now?" It was 7:30 and usually we wake up at 6:30! So we got going in a hurry! We got everything done that we normally do and were off to school. Then the planning started. I told the girls that I had a plan for tonight if we could get everything done we needed while they did chores and got ready. The big girls did great! I told Line what the plans were...Slumber Party in Dad's room! Pizza, ice cream, and a movie...or two!
Eli was my big girl helper on Friday and she did AWESOME!! She did everything I asked. We went grocery shopping, to the bank, cleaned house and Eli was awesome! Then after the big girls came home from school we went to BYU to pick up a LARGE donation of clothing from the Athletic Department for the Tsunami Relief. They donated a full UHaul truck of clothes! Thanks Cougs! We got there and the Rugby and Track teams had everything loaded already, so Grandpa drove the truck to Tayorsville to the drop off. Then we were off to pick up pizza for dinner. After baths and pizza we loaded up and went back to Macey's because some very kind person anonymously left us a gift card for $50! Thank you greatly! Whew (I'm getting tired recounting it!) Then back for our party. We had a blast! We watched College Road Trip. This movie hit home for me. Any dad of daughters would appreciate it! Here's an after picture of the Slumber Party in Dad's room!




Saturday we woke up and did our morning schedule. Uncle Matt came over and fixed our floor boards that bowed from the flood. Big Thanks to Uncle Matt! It's great to have him here to help out with stuff like this. I know what to do, but I'm scared I'm gonna break something sometimes...Matt just does it! Thanks again Matt. It's always fun doing projects with my brothers. After lunch, mowing the lawn, and naps we got all the girls BYU hair-do's done




Then I realized that the girls had been watching too much TV today. We had some extra time before our birthday party we were going to, so I had the girls work on a project. Their dance teacher, Gina, had been out this week with the Swine Flu, so the girls made cards for her to drop off after the party.

The party was for Maile and Joni. It was a blast! They had a picture thing that you put your face in to take pictures.

Eva and Arie

Eli and Uncle Rex

Tee and Malia

Kyra and Line

Daddy and Ane...somehow I missed Lolo! Sorry Lose!

The girls loved that! After the party we dropped off the cards at Gina's house and home again. Since the BYU game was a late one I let the girls sleep in my room again and watch the game as they fell asleep. Go Cougars with the big win 59-21! Here's one more picture of the Cougar Girls!



Today is Sunday and ALL of us are anxiously awaiting Mom's return!


We hope that she had a GREAT time, but are SO READY to have her home! We love you Mom and appreciate all you do! Hopefully you missed us too! Hahaha! Thanks Cassie for taking care of Abby for us!

Optimism

In giving a nod to optimists, I find they can sometimes crowd out a bit of the pessimism that sometimes speaks too loudly in my mind. So, even though I have my own little golf course inside my house because everywhere the water went the boards have all buckled, and even though I can't chew on one side of my mouth because the other night part of my filling came out, and even though all the kids are sleeping in our room because of the flood so it was our bed that Eva accidentally peed in (she's really been doing fantastic with the whole potty-training thing), and even though the furnace upstairs isn't working and we've all been huddling and snuggling under our blankets, it occurred to me, probably when Naki pointed it out to me, that I could possibly turn on the heater downstairs, that heated most of the house instead of everyone walking around complaining about being cold. Oh. I guess he was right. So, I've really loved hearing everyone walking around this morning, sniffing and smelling and then oohing and ahhhing because they just love the first whiff of the heater. In Malia's words, "I love that smell! It smells just like your blow dryer, Mom." Thanks everyone, for being such troopers and taking all of this chaos in stride. All you optimists really help balance out the pessimist in me.


There really should be a picture of Naki in this post, too. Since he is and has always been my eternal optimist. Thanks, Babe. For all you've been doing to keep everyone around here feeling happy and loved. Here's to optimism!

The Bathroom Flood of '09

Apparently you're not supposed to ask one of your kids to turn on the bathtub during halftime of the BYU football game and then go outside and forget that it's running. It apparently results in Niagra Falls over your banister upstairs and swimming possibilities inside your house everywhere else. I'm just saying...apparently you're not supposed to do that.