Some time ago, back when Auntie Ginny lived with us immediately after Naki's death, I videoed this conversation I'd had with Eli about my decision to get her a cat. We hadn't yet found our Charlie at the time this video was made. It's a bit long, I think about 8 minutes. At the time I couldn't figure out how to get such a long video to upload. But here it is on youtube, and I just HAD to post it on here because it is the epitome of who she is, and what I get to be surrounded by every day...I'm so lucky. Never a dull moment. :)

Gratitude

I don't have much time to write. I have been experiencing this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for several days, and wanted to write it here for record keeping. I'm sure there will come a time when I will need to read what I've written to help me in my moments of despondency. I am most grateful these days for the people that God has blessed me to have in my life, not as a replacement for the way I miss my Baby, and not necessarily as a compensation, but truly as a sign of Love towards me and our girlies. I am grateful for the ladies and their families who have brought our family dinner once a week since Naki died, and are STILL doing it. I am grateful to the neighbor across the street who since I've started school has noticed that I no longer have time to do that which I love, take care of my yard, and so has come over unasked to mow the lawn for me, repeatedly. I am grateful for the neighbors that since Naki has died continue to set out our garbage cans each week on garbage day. I am grateful for the friends and family who volunteer to rotate turns babysitting my two littles every week so that last year I could work and this year I can attend school full time. I am thankful for a sister who dedicated many hours to researching scholarships for me to apply for, which I did, and received all three of them, for which I am also grateful for. I am grateful for our friends who come over once a month to play with the girlies so I can leave for one night of the month, which I have used for temple night, laundrymat nights, and most recently study-at-the-library nights. I am grateful for a friend who for several years has allowed us to trade cleaning services for dance tuition so the girls can do that which they so love. I am thankful for friends who have brought me cds of songs that they felt inspired to share with me for uplifting. I am grateful for friends and family that randomly text me to tell me that they love me and the girls and are cheering for us. I am grateful for a neighbor who remembers every one of the girlies' birthdays and brings over their favorite treats and a new book for them. I am grateful for my brother-in-law's father, who calls the girls and sings to them on each one of their birthdays. I am blessed to have the best home teacher ever, who loves each of us completely and comes over, dropping whatever he's doing, to help when asked. I'm grateful for worthy priesthood holders who gave our girls their school blessings this year. I am in awe of family who is once again coordinating and producing the second annual benefit concert this October in honor of Naki's life. I am grateful for all of my family, near and far, for their many prayers and thoughts in our behalf. I am blessed to have family who tries to financially help us while I am in school. I am thankful for any and all of the individuals who for the past two Christmases have charitably and anonymously made it possible for the girls to have Christmas. I am grateful to a sister who in the past contributed cleaning services for my household when I didn't have the energy to do anything, least of all cleaning. I am blessed to have had family willing to alter their lives to live with us just to help us. I am positive that I have missed many many people that I have gratitude for. Those are just a few of the instances that have blessed our lives since Naki's death. It is overwhelming to feel such love. I know that even though at times I feel so alone without Naki with me daily, the girlies and I are truly, truly, not alone. We love you all and are so immensely blessed by each and every one of you. Ultimately God is there for us, even if we can't feel it at times. Is there any way I could deny that knowledge, when I take a minute to see all that He has given me?

This morning I grabbed Eva to dance with her, cheek to cheek. She excitedly said, "Mom! Do the Tonga, Do the Tonga!" She meant Tango, but how cute that she so easily assumes and claims Tonga on non-Tongan things. It was so adorable.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, Lose said to me, "Mom, I can't remember what Daddy's voice sounds like." It about broke my heart, even though I knew a time like this would come. I was prepared. After she went to sleep last night I cued up one of the DVDs I had made of our home videos. This morning after scriptures I sent all the girlies upstairs to my room to spend a couple minutes watching it so they could hear their Daddy. Malia chose to stay downstairs with me. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and watch the video, and she said, "It's okay Mom. I still remember."

Then this morning I sent Eva and Boo out to the garage to go get in the car while I finished up a couple of last minute things in the house. They both came back inside, frustrated because they couldn't get the door open. I told them to go back outside and try reeeeeal hard, and to use their muscles, to which Boo said, "You mean use our muscles like Daddy's muscles?" I grinned and said "Yes! Just like Daddy's muscles." It amazes me when she says stuff like that, because how does she know that? I try and tell all of them things about their Dad all the time, and I guess she's listening.

Our 5k for Daddy

It's hard to believe that July came so quickly, and along with it, our 5k that we run as a tribute to Naki's 5k that he ran just a couple of months before he died. Every time I picture him doing something that was so hard for him and out of his element, especially with a heart that was close to completing it's difficult journey in our Daddy's chest, I am humbled. This year was truly spectacular. Line and Malia decided to take off on their own with their cousin Addie. I was so proud of them. Line wanted another opportunity to try to run the entire thing, and so she, Jackie and I are scheduled to run a 5k on the 4th, which I think is this Thursday. Lose and Jackson ran just a bit ahead of us stroller joggers, alternating between running and jogging. I was so so proud to see their cute little legs, trudging ahead and never quitting. But to me, the champions of this 5k were Grayson and Eli. My sister Katie ran the 10k this year, and so her husband Matt and I pushed our strollers with our littles in them while Gray ran along side Matt and Eli ran along side me. They were troopers! They sincerely wanted to hop in those strollers so badly, but continued running alongside Matt and I, only stopping when they felt as if they were absolutely, without a doubt, going to die. But they did it! They finished. I was so elated for them, knowing that they are carrying their Daddy's legacy on just by pushing on when you want to quit.






Pay no attention to my idiotic face...even my niece thinks it looks a little off. Guess the moment of triumph robbed me of my dignity momentarily.

Lightning Bugs

Jackie is seriously the sweetest person ever. She is continually serving others, thinking never of herself, and constantly of others. I would do well to emulate her kindness and easy way with those around her. She says she used to think she was boring, non-witty, and unexciting. Although she might have defined herself with those terms in the past, I can say that to us she is, in every moment, providing easy ways to enjoy being in her company just by being calm, soothing, teasing, humorous, creative, and available to everyone around her not only physically but emotionally as well. We are in heaven in her home, because she makes her home heavenly just by being in it.

Friday night she made a nummy dinner for us to take to the library for an outdoor concert they were having. As we sat listening and eating, some dark clouds rolled in, threatening rain and a good storm. It never came. Instead we lucked out with a cool breeze and a visual treat for the eyes that were so common to me as a child I'd forgotten just how much I've missed seeing them...lightening bugs. I hadn't realized that the girls had never actually seen one in person! I felt just like a child, running around trying to capture one for them to hold. By the time the concert had finished, the clouds had passed and the sun had made it impossible to see their lights anymore, but we knew they and their magic were still out there. I hope to see them again soon.






Here is a video of the girls catching one. I've been using my phone as a camera and a video camera, and I keep forgetting that I have to hold the camera a certain way or it ends up being sideways...

Ohio

During the past school year, somewhere around November, I really got the itch to travel to Ohio to see my sister Jackie, her husband Russell, and their kiddos L'il Russell, Trey, Keyan, and Halle. I brushed it off as impossible, and lived with the dream in my heart. Christmas time came, and truthfully, all I wanted to do was pack up and get to Ohio for our two weeks off. Again, the dream of it stayed in my heart. After several experiences where I kept pushing away the impossible, it occurred to me that perhaps, just perhaps, there was a reason that I kept receiving the same idea over and over. And that no matter how hard I tried to write it off as an inappropriate use of my ever dwindling funds, it was something I could no longer ignore. With this new shift in my frame of mind, I started to be prayerful about making such a trip...when the appropriate time to do so would be, what the budget for it should be, and trying to make sure that such a trip was not just a whim of mine, but that I was actually following a heavenly prompting. Finally, in April when we escaped the grindstone of life for Moab during Spring Break, I had several experiences that let me know for certain that the trip was supposed to happen.

I know that one of the reasons I feel so drawn to Ohio is not only because of the location itself...it's the people who are here. There is such a spiritual connection between Naki and Russell. Those two guys have such a great relationship with one another. It's a hard thing to describe. But I can't count the number of times when Naki would be super late coming home at night because he and Russell had stayed after a game of basketball talking until the early hours of the morning. Their personalities, spouses, children, goals, etc. mirror each other so very much, and even more so their spiritual capacities are equally matched so that they understand each other without any effort. Then as I get older I realize how much I relate and agree with my sister Jackie...her likes are my likes, her dislikes are the same as my dislikes, and her comforts are mine as well. It is easily stated by just saying that I feel absolutely comfortable being where she is, without making any effort to do so, which doesn't happen very often for me. Sisters are just the very best. So at the end of April my sister in law helped me shop and find a great steal on plane tickets, and just like that the dream trip was a reality. We have been skypeing with the Leggs quite often, and have been anticipating the end of the month of July when we would actually get to be inside their house, playing with them, instead of just talking to them delayed through the computer. And now we're actually here!

I was slightly concerned for our flights, since it was to be me flying by myself with my 6 kiddos plus one of theirs, Little Russell. He had been in Idaho with Line and Malia the week before our trip to Ohio at my parents yearly Grandparent Retreat. I could say that I worried for nothing because flying was easy, or I could more wisely say that we had many blessings along the way that made the trip one of the smoothest in my flying experience. Seriously. It all worked out so perfectly. All the kids worked so well with each other, with not a single argument! Not one! Who can say that about any trip, ever? A big thank you to my friends, who drove their car up to the airport with us so that there were two drivers to bring back my car and theirs. Then, all the wrinkles with the seat assignments were flawlessly ironed out, so that children were not sitting by themselves anywhere in the plane. Then, check in was seamless, and all the kids carried their own carryons throughout the airport without a single complaint. We even met family on the way in the airport, making for a nice quick visit while we waited briefly for boarding. In Denver we had only 12 minutes to make our connecting flight, and you should of seen us dashing through the airport, desperate to make it on time, which we did. Then for the next three hours and some on that flight, I am shocked to say that we had not a single problem keeping 7 kiddos calm and happy. I'm astonished every time I think of it. We were met at the airport by the Legg family with their car plus our rental, and we headed for our temporary home for the next two weeks.

I SHOULD add, that I did have a close call with my cell phone. I tend to tuck it in between my left bra strap and my shoulder whenever I'm not using it. Eva, Boo, and I were making a trip to the airplane bathroom on our last flight. Anyone who has ever used it knows those things are a tight fit for even one person, let alone one and two littles. Ane had just finished and I was leaning over to help her pull her pants up, when Eva reached over and pushed the super turbo flush. At the same exact time my phone ever so gently slipppped from its safe spot, aiming right for the toilet black hole and was about to land in the fastest suction headed for no mans land, when I miraculously reached out and caught it mid-fall. Only Naki knows what a true miracle that is, since I can't even catch the remote control he would toss to me across the couch. I decided to tuck it safely into my purse after that.

I love how everyone gets along effortlessly, no squabbles, no fuss. It feels so right being all together. I miss having them closer. (They live out here for Russell's Medical Schooling. He's currently in his last year...)

I have a couple of things that I've written down on my phone so that I would remember to journal them here. Little Russell was flying back with us after having been away from home from over a month. He'd flown out to Idaho with his family for our Family Reunion, and when his parents and siblings left for home he stayed in Idaho so that he could attend his first grandparent retreat a month later. As a result, it had been quite some time since he'd seen his parents. As we were descending, I could hear him sitting right behind me, face pushed up against the window, whispering under his breath, "Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...". It was so sweet.

Also on the plane, I overheard a conversation he was having with Lose. He said, "Lose...If your Dad and Jimmer were playing a game of basketball, who do you think would win?" Lose chuckled, and said knowingly..."Jimmer would", to which Russell said with complete belief, "Oh IIIII don't know...Your Dad's pretty good..." I know Naki loves that for sure. :) I hear they still imitate one of his specialty sweet shots at church basketball every time they play.

We were driving to the store on Wednesday and we passed by a field that had a group of cows all huddled under one tree. I pointed it out to the kiddos in my car and asked them why they thought all the cows were huddled in the same spot. One of the them intelligently answered that they were all there for the shade, since it was the only tree around. I was about to agree with them, since that was the same conclusion I had come to, but before I could, Eli said, "Orrrrrr, one cow is in the middle having a baby and they're all watching..." Okaaay. If you say so.

After the store we headed over to a close park for some dinner and playtime. After playing and sweating up a storm in the humidity, we piled back in our cars to head out for some ice cream. I looked in my rear view mirror at all those sweet faces, flushed and dripping sweat, and said "Did you guys have fun? Did you play hard?" And Eli replied, "Yes! I'm actually sweating like a pig." And Eva chimed in, "I'm sweating like a really really hot hot pig!"

Here's an irony for you. We have been meaning to get together for months back in Utah with our dear dear friends the Herrings. Isaac and Naki played football together, and the girls believe he is their blood uncle somehow. And Erin his wife and I go way back to those same playing days, getting together once a week with those big crazy o-lineman for pizza. As I was packing I got a text from Erin checking in with us, wouldn't you know, from Ohio. Yup. They're here, while Isaac works here for the summer. And not only are they HERE, they're like 13 minutes away from Russell and Jackie's house, with a swimming pool in their backyard. So yesterday we got to go have a nummy breakfast together and play in the water for a couple of hours, which is my favorite place to be in the summer.

One strange phenomenon that will forever live in my brain as a result of watching someone die is the ability to see potential death everywhere. It's something that is in my head constantly, that would be hard to explain to others. It never goes away. It is an altered way of seeing things that are alive. Before watching Naki die, I knew that death was real. I knew that bad things do happen that eliminate life and I also knew that death was inevitable. But it had never truly touched my experiences, and so I was able to go through my days living with a fairytale-like knowledge of it. But after having actually watched death happen, I now will find myself in situations and actually visualize what that moment would be like, altered by death. As an example. While we were on the airplane the pilot came out and was talking to one of the flight attendants. I'm assuming there was a second pilot in there taking care of business. But as I sat there watching him chat it up, I actually created a scenario of what the future would look like with our plane crashing, taking all of us plus my nephew, forever altering people's lives because of it. Or yesterday as I was driving on the freeway following my sister's car, a semi truck moved over a lane to be right beside my sister's car, which held some of her kids and some of mine. I found my mind envisioning that semi falling over right onto the van, completely obliterating my family. This creating these death scenarios is not something my mind does for pleasure. It freaks me out every time. I snap out of those moments, frustrated that my mind wandered there yet again. I read in one book that some people refer to it as always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's as if after experiencing something so tragic and traumatic in your life, that you walk around waiting for the rest of your life to be touched with even more tragedy and trauma. Of course I pray that it does not. But I no longer am able to live in oblivion of the potential for heartache.

I have many pics I'm taking on my phone, but I didn't bring my computer with me so I would have to put them on Jackie's computer in order to get them on here. We'll see what I can do. There are some really cute ones.

I hate how bugs find their way into my home. I mean, I get that we built on their homes and all that. But still. I hate thinking that despite cement, wood, drywall, etc, they STILL find their way through little cracks somewhere. It makes me feel vulnerable.

Anyway. Boo was supposed to be sleeping for her nap, and instead was playing with her dollhouse toys. After an alarming screech coming from her room, Eli ran upstairs to tell me that there was an "ear-wax" in Ane's bed. Huh? I was somewhat confused, until I saw that the said bug was an earwig. Got it. Hard to scold them for not laying down for their naps when they say such cute stuff that causes uncontrollable smiles on my part.