We were waiting for a call sometime in the morning to alert us that Beesley was on their way over to the cemetary to place Naki's headstone. It came at the perfect time. The following is the series of photos I took of the whole process. The men were so sensitive and accomodating, and even let Naki's dad take some of the grass from Naki's plot home with him. One thing I learned as they were placing the headstone was that all along we'd been placing flowers and cards over Naki's feet instead of his head...sorry babe. Apparently here in this cemetary all the dead are buried with their heads on the west so that when resurrected, as our religion believes all will be, they will rise to the east. I did not know that...one more thing I've learned. I did know that the man is always buried on the left with his wife on the right. It was strange to see my name on a headstone...quite a reality check. Not until we were leaving did I realize that I had designed my own headstone, something not everyone gets to do. Then I realized that I'd spent so much thought and time about what Naki's headstone should look like that it hadn't occurred to think what I would want on mine. Turns out that what I want on mine is already there.

It really was the perfect day, and I was so so so thrilled with how it turned out. I hadn't realized in designing it how massive it would end up being, but I love that it's larger than life, just like my Baby.





This last picture is a sample of some photos that our dear friend took on the 16th when we were up at the cemetary. I can't wait to see the rest of them.

Malia

Malia said to me the other night while we were eating a salad at dinner, "Man, I wish my taste buds could fall in love with healthy food...but they are in love with other things instead".

That's exactly how I feel! *sigh* Eating healthy is something I know I'm supposed to do, but it's so hard when those taste buds of ours are just in love with other things.

I wouldn't have done it any other way. Waiting until I was ready to do Naki's headstone has turned out to be the most touching experience. I was unsure what exactly I wanted on it, and even went to the cemetary several times with the girlies and our camera. We'd walk around, taking pictures of headstones that had wording, or designs, or pictures on them that we liked. For a long time the ground was too frozen to put a headstone in the ground, and so I didn't feel any pressure to move on with a task that I never wanted to be assigned in the first place. One day I felt that it was time...I can't describe it any better than that. Literally one day, as I was ruminating over it in my mind as I'd been doing for months, I knew exactly what I wanted it to look like. It was then that I contacted Beesley Monuments, which was the business I knew I'd use because one of my dear friends' baby's headstone came from there. I liked them because they allow you to have handprints put in the bordering cement of the granite headstone. I thought it would be perfect to do that with Naki's. So the ball was officially rolling. With some adjustments made to it along the way which equaled more waiting time, it seems perfect that it's readiness is coinciding with his one year anniversary. For me it feels like a beautiful way to mark the first year of his death. Yesterday I checked the girls out of school and the school was also accomodating and allowed me to slip away as well so that we could get the girlies' handprints in the cement. The men there were so sweet and obliging, and I loved every minute of it.

















By the way, the men there at Beesley told me that they are terribly sad to see this headstone leave their shop. It turned out so beautifully that they've sold several more just by showing it to people. Apparantly I have exquisite taste not only in my choice of husband, but in his headstone too...

What I've Learned, Part 3

Character. It's a word I know the definition of, and I usually use it when talking about my kids..."She, or she, or she, is such a character", or "Come on, girls. We're going to do *fill in the blank*. It will be good for you...it will help build your character".

About a week and a half ago my brother Matthew emailed me an adorable photo of his new baby boy. I noticed something at the bottom of his email, right with his signature, that I'd read before but somehow overlooked. Included in every one of his emails is this quote by John Wooden.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

It seemed so significant this time as I read it, because the same thought had been occupying much of my thought process for the last two months. My thoughts hadn't yet put words to my feelings, specifically the words "character" and "reputation".

I've discovered something about myself that I would have sworn wasn't true...I'm a people pleaser. It's true. I hate it. As much as I want to be strong and outspoken, and sometimes I actually am, most of the time I first want to be sure that it will go over smoothly with anyone it might effect. I don't know why that is. It's not as if someone not liking what I'm doing or saying will ultimately change what I'm doing and saying, but I guess it just matters to me that what I do and say is acceptable to others. Weird. I don't even know what to say about it. But Matt's quote in his email truly struck a chord with me, as I realized that even though I am striving so diligently to develop my character, I'm allowing my fear of the opinions of those I value and how they see me make me worry about my reputation with them instead of worrying about my character.

Naki's brother Junior and his wife Mona decided that they wanted to have a benefit concert to honor Naki's life and to honor his family. I'm still struggling with being the recipient of such kindness, generosity, and love. It's hard, finding yourself always on the receiving end. I hope for the day when I get to be on the giving end for someone else. Naki died the day after Junior's birthday, which is the day of the concert. October 15th. I felt guilt when I found out that instead of having a birthday this year Junior would be running around busy getting everything just right for the evening's concert. Both he and Mona have assured me that it is exactly the way he wants it, and so I am trying to not feel badly anymore. I'm sure I have no idea what it entails to put something like this together, and wanted to show support for their gift by posting the flyer on my blog. Instantly that guilt I felt earlier, and the worry about how others might perceive my seemingly blatant self-promotion, prevented me from posting. I'd been praying about it when I received a gentle nudge from a friend to go ahead and post it. So here it is.


I am trying so hard to watch and learn from all of their efforts in our behalf, so that I can try and emulate their Godly attributes that I continually feel blessed by. I hope to see many many friends on Friday night. And not to worry, I'm totally going to wear my waterproof mascara.

After I'd decided to go ahead and post the flyer on here, I received a second gentle nudge, this time from God. He reminded me to tune in to what is the most important, what He thinks of me, instead of wasting my mental and emotional energy worrying about the choices of others over which I have no control. He reminded me that He knows my heart, and that what others may or may not perceive doesn't even matter in the end.

Fast forward to the Saturday Afternoon session of General Conference this past weekend. Those of you unfamiliar with what that may be, it is the biyearly conference of the leaders of our church here in Salt Lake City, Utah. I look forward to their words every six months, and hope that somehow in between wrestling the littles and encouraging the other littles to listen well, I will manage to catch some of those words. My head snapped to attention this past Saturday when I heard Richard G. Scott say the word "character". In no way do I find his topic of choice a coincidence. I do not understand how it works. There were a total of 34 speakers this year over the several different sessions, and when compared to the number of members in this church and the problems they are facing, it is shocking to me that every individual can come away from the conference, feeling as if they were speaking directly to them. In the conference from the previous six months, the one in April 2010, I was astonished how many people made reference to losing a father, or a death in the family. This conference was no different in my ability to feel as if certain talks were prepared for me and what I needed to learn from the Lord. I've taken a few quotes from Elder Scott's talk on the transforming power of faith and character. They better say what I've been feeling recently about how significant developing my character truly is.

"Faith in the future is demonstrated by a couple sealed in the temple. They understand that by obedience to the teachings of Jesus Christ and the plan of happiness of our Father in Heaven, they can have a joyous life together. They recognize that when the challenges intended to be growth opportunities come, they will find ways, as prompted by the Holy Ghost, to overcome them in ways that are productive and character building."

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day. Righteous character is a precious manifestation of what you are becoming. Righteous character is more valuable than any material object you own, any knowledge you have gained through study, or any goals you have attained no matter how well lauded by mankind. In the next life your righteous character will be evaluated to assess how well you used the privilege of mortality." *I refer to this in my mind on a daily basis...how well am I using this privilege of mortality?*

"An axiom we all understand is that you get what you pay for. That is true for spiritual matters as well. You get what you pay for in obedience, in faith in Jesus Christ, in diligent application of the truths you learn. What you get is the molding of character, the growth in capacity, and the successful completion of your mortal purpose to be proven and to have joy."

"You cannot be passive in life, or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about. Lack of character leads one under pressure to satisfy appetite or seek personal gain. You cannot successfully bolster a weak character with the cloak of pretense."

At times I have been frustrated at how some of my own choices are so completely out of line with what I'm trying to accomplish. On occasion I've acted without thought and very quickly discovered that such actions inhibit any progress that I so want to be making. In those moments of weakness this last quote helps me to try and not be discouraged at my imperfection, but instead to continue to move forward in spite of it.

"If you have determined to live righteously, don’t become discouraged. Life may seem difficult now, but hold on tightly to that iron rod of truth. You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline, and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments. May the Holy Ghost prompt you to always make decisions that fortify your character and yield much joy and happiness."

I'm watching and learning...watching and learning from those who are so clearly developing their own character so as to be able to say that they honored this privilege of mortality. Thank you to everyone who is involved in putting together and performing at the upcoming benefit concert this Friday. Your generous gift has helped me to strengthen and build my character even more. Love you all.

Sleepy Heads...

One day this past summer the littles asked me if they could pretty please take their naps outside while I was working on some landscaping in our backyard. I had to capture it. I'll admit I was a skeptic, thinking that they wouldn't actually sleep, making my day a bit more difficult than necessary as I tried to deal with kiddos that hadn't had their much needed afternoon nap. But instead of saying no, I tried to follow my new yes method, saying yes as often as possible, as long as I'm up to whatever it brings my way. I'm so glad that I said yes. I loved feeling not alone as I sweat and dug in the dirt that afternoon, surrounded by my sleeping angels.

What I've Learned, Part 2

It's really late, and I absolutely should be in bed right now. But it seems that if I don't write what's going on in my head, then I never will. Time just keeps flying by, and I haven't figured out when I'll ever get to make sense of my thoughts through writing them out. Now feels like the right time.

Since I can remember, I have always felt that I never had very many friends. I would say that I had many many many acquaintances, but very few friends. In order for someone to be my friend, that would mean that I trusted them with all of myself..that they would like me for the complete me. The only way someone could know me completely would be if I showed them entirely who I was, which has very rarely happened. It is extremely hard for me to socialize with others and open up about myself. Many of you probably think I'm making this up, but I swear I'm not! Social situations make me crazy...I'd rather be at home, curled up with a blanket and a good book, and avoid people if possible. Naki is the absolute opposite. Although he loves his quiet down time, I can recall all too well the many times he'd want to run to some event or another that someone he knew was involved in. Or how many times we've had the discussion that he wanted to go to a social event and I just wanted to stay home. He has always been able to help us as a couple find the balance of being social and being private. He helped me learn that pushing myself through those situations that give me so much anxiety allows me to grow and learn more about myself.

Since Naki died there have been more instances than I can count when I have felt alone. Truly, absolutely, and completely alone, despite being surrounded by people that love us. These kind people would ask me if there was anything they could do, anything they could give, if there was any way they could help. I surprised myself by more often than not letting them know what I needed, mostly because trying to do it all and being it all was absolutely not a possibility. But despite accepting others' offers of help and love, I felt uncomfortable about it, indebted, frustrated for needing help, and annoyed that I couldn't make things work on my own somehow. But mostly I felt that I was inconveniencing them, making their lives more complicated in some way, and that was hard for me to swallow. I truly love all those that help me, but I just had a hard time feeling that the love they showed by serving us did not equal any level of my ability to feel socially comfortable with them. I just now, as I'm writing this, put two and two together and realized what it was that was difficult for me. To me it seemed that by putting myself out there and showing them how much I loved and appreciated them that it was in fact placing myself in a position to be hurt. No one can hurt you if they don't have any part of me to hurt. By giving them my heart, I felt vulnerable and scared of having my love and respect for them somehow mistreated and disrespected.

Saying that aloud just sounds silly. It really does, especially knowing all the people that have given so selflessly to us, over and over. Logically I know that they wouldn't do that to us, but my heart didn't know it for some time. This unexpected situation that I've found myself in over the past two months has taught me more about myself than I would have originally expected. It's also helped me to see something that Naki has always known. I only wish that I too, could have known it when he was alive. He's known all along what I'm just now learning. Unlike myself, Naki has many many many friends and very few acquaintances. He gives his heart so easily to those he calls "friend". I know that is why he has so very many of them.

The lesson I've learned is that I need to be more like Naki. I need to be willing to give my heart to those around me, without worrying about it being thrown back in my face, unappreciated or disrespected. By not letting many of my "acquaintances" be my "friends", I have not allowed my Heavenly Father to bless me the way He so badly wants to. Only He knows how deeply my heart has hurt recently as I've wanted to be loved and respected the way I deserve. All around me have been my friends, waiting in the wings, doing what they've always done, loving, as I've been oblivious to what was right in front of my face. I'm just now learning that your family is not only made up by those you are related to. God has given me the most amazing family of friends.

These photos are of me and the girls up Provo Canyon with some of our newest "friends", acquaintances of mine until my recent realizations. Nothing they do now is different than what they've ever done. They've always loved us, I've just been unable to accept it without my fears accompanying it. They drove us up the Canyon to show us one of their favorite spots, which is now one of our favorite spots! The girls are absolutely addicted to going up there and finding some trail to hike on. We've been up there now three weekends in a row. We'll all be disappointed when it gets too cold to enjoy it, but for now we're loving it. Almost as much as we love all of our dear dear friends.