What I've Learned, Part 3

Character. It's a word I know the definition of, and I usually use it when talking about my kids..."She, or she, or she, is such a character", or "Come on, girls. We're going to do *fill in the blank*. It will be good for you...it will help build your character".

About a week and a half ago my brother Matthew emailed me an adorable photo of his new baby boy. I noticed something at the bottom of his email, right with his signature, that I'd read before but somehow overlooked. Included in every one of his emails is this quote by John Wooden.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

It seemed so significant this time as I read it, because the same thought had been occupying much of my thought process for the last two months. My thoughts hadn't yet put words to my feelings, specifically the words "character" and "reputation".

I've discovered something about myself that I would have sworn wasn't true...I'm a people pleaser. It's true. I hate it. As much as I want to be strong and outspoken, and sometimes I actually am, most of the time I first want to be sure that it will go over smoothly with anyone it might effect. I don't know why that is. It's not as if someone not liking what I'm doing or saying will ultimately change what I'm doing and saying, but I guess it just matters to me that what I do and say is acceptable to others. Weird. I don't even know what to say about it. But Matt's quote in his email truly struck a chord with me, as I realized that even though I am striving so diligently to develop my character, I'm allowing my fear of the opinions of those I value and how they see me make me worry about my reputation with them instead of worrying about my character.

Naki's brother Junior and his wife Mona decided that they wanted to have a benefit concert to honor Naki's life and to honor his family. I'm still struggling with being the recipient of such kindness, generosity, and love. It's hard, finding yourself always on the receiving end. I hope for the day when I get to be on the giving end for someone else. Naki died the day after Junior's birthday, which is the day of the concert. October 15th. I felt guilt when I found out that instead of having a birthday this year Junior would be running around busy getting everything just right for the evening's concert. Both he and Mona have assured me that it is exactly the way he wants it, and so I am trying to not feel badly anymore. I'm sure I have no idea what it entails to put something like this together, and wanted to show support for their gift by posting the flyer on my blog. Instantly that guilt I felt earlier, and the worry about how others might perceive my seemingly blatant self-promotion, prevented me from posting. I'd been praying about it when I received a gentle nudge from a friend to go ahead and post it. So here it is.


I am trying so hard to watch and learn from all of their efforts in our behalf, so that I can try and emulate their Godly attributes that I continually feel blessed by. I hope to see many many friends on Friday night. And not to worry, I'm totally going to wear my waterproof mascara.

After I'd decided to go ahead and post the flyer on here, I received a second gentle nudge, this time from God. He reminded me to tune in to what is the most important, what He thinks of me, instead of wasting my mental and emotional energy worrying about the choices of others over which I have no control. He reminded me that He knows my heart, and that what others may or may not perceive doesn't even matter in the end.

Fast forward to the Saturday Afternoon session of General Conference this past weekend. Those of you unfamiliar with what that may be, it is the biyearly conference of the leaders of our church here in Salt Lake City, Utah. I look forward to their words every six months, and hope that somehow in between wrestling the littles and encouraging the other littles to listen well, I will manage to catch some of those words. My head snapped to attention this past Saturday when I heard Richard G. Scott say the word "character". In no way do I find his topic of choice a coincidence. I do not understand how it works. There were a total of 34 speakers this year over the several different sessions, and when compared to the number of members in this church and the problems they are facing, it is shocking to me that every individual can come away from the conference, feeling as if they were speaking directly to them. In the conference from the previous six months, the one in April 2010, I was astonished how many people made reference to losing a father, or a death in the family. This conference was no different in my ability to feel as if certain talks were prepared for me and what I needed to learn from the Lord. I've taken a few quotes from Elder Scott's talk on the transforming power of faith and character. They better say what I've been feeling recently about how significant developing my character truly is.

"Faith in the future is demonstrated by a couple sealed in the temple. They understand that by obedience to the teachings of Jesus Christ and the plan of happiness of our Father in Heaven, they can have a joyous life together. They recognize that when the challenges intended to be growth opportunities come, they will find ways, as prompted by the Holy Ghost, to overcome them in ways that are productive and character building."

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day. Righteous character is a precious manifestation of what you are becoming. Righteous character is more valuable than any material object you own, any knowledge you have gained through study, or any goals you have attained no matter how well lauded by mankind. In the next life your righteous character will be evaluated to assess how well you used the privilege of mortality." *I refer to this in my mind on a daily basis...how well am I using this privilege of mortality?*

"An axiom we all understand is that you get what you pay for. That is true for spiritual matters as well. You get what you pay for in obedience, in faith in Jesus Christ, in diligent application of the truths you learn. What you get is the molding of character, the growth in capacity, and the successful completion of your mortal purpose to be proven and to have joy."

"You cannot be passive in life, or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about. Lack of character leads one under pressure to satisfy appetite or seek personal gain. You cannot successfully bolster a weak character with the cloak of pretense."

At times I have been frustrated at how some of my own choices are so completely out of line with what I'm trying to accomplish. On occasion I've acted without thought and very quickly discovered that such actions inhibit any progress that I so want to be making. In those moments of weakness this last quote helps me to try and not be discouraged at my imperfection, but instead to continue to move forward in spite of it.

"If you have determined to live righteously, don’t become discouraged. Life may seem difficult now, but hold on tightly to that iron rod of truth. You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline, and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments. May the Holy Ghost prompt you to always make decisions that fortify your character and yield much joy and happiness."

I'm watching and learning...watching and learning from those who are so clearly developing their own character so as to be able to say that they honored this privilege of mortality. Thank you to everyone who is involved in putting together and performing at the upcoming benefit concert this Friday. Your generous gift has helped me to strengthen and build my character even more. Love you all.

Sleepy Heads...

One day this past summer the littles asked me if they could pretty please take their naps outside while I was working on some landscaping in our backyard. I had to capture it. I'll admit I was a skeptic, thinking that they wouldn't actually sleep, making my day a bit more difficult than necessary as I tried to deal with kiddos that hadn't had their much needed afternoon nap. But instead of saying no, I tried to follow my new yes method, saying yes as often as possible, as long as I'm up to whatever it brings my way. I'm so glad that I said yes. I loved feeling not alone as I sweat and dug in the dirt that afternoon, surrounded by my sleeping angels.

What I've Learned, Part 2

It's really late, and I absolutely should be in bed right now. But it seems that if I don't write what's going on in my head, then I never will. Time just keeps flying by, and I haven't figured out when I'll ever get to make sense of my thoughts through writing them out. Now feels like the right time.

Since I can remember, I have always felt that I never had very many friends. I would say that I had many many many acquaintances, but very few friends. In order for someone to be my friend, that would mean that I trusted them with all of myself..that they would like me for the complete me. The only way someone could know me completely would be if I showed them entirely who I was, which has very rarely happened. It is extremely hard for me to socialize with others and open up about myself. Many of you probably think I'm making this up, but I swear I'm not! Social situations make me crazy...I'd rather be at home, curled up with a blanket and a good book, and avoid people if possible. Naki is the absolute opposite. Although he loves his quiet down time, I can recall all too well the many times he'd want to run to some event or another that someone he knew was involved in. Or how many times we've had the discussion that he wanted to go to a social event and I just wanted to stay home. He has always been able to help us as a couple find the balance of being social and being private. He helped me learn that pushing myself through those situations that give me so much anxiety allows me to grow and learn more about myself.

Since Naki died there have been more instances than I can count when I have felt alone. Truly, absolutely, and completely alone, despite being surrounded by people that love us. These kind people would ask me if there was anything they could do, anything they could give, if there was any way they could help. I surprised myself by more often than not letting them know what I needed, mostly because trying to do it all and being it all was absolutely not a possibility. But despite accepting others' offers of help and love, I felt uncomfortable about it, indebted, frustrated for needing help, and annoyed that I couldn't make things work on my own somehow. But mostly I felt that I was inconveniencing them, making their lives more complicated in some way, and that was hard for me to swallow. I truly love all those that help me, but I just had a hard time feeling that the love they showed by serving us did not equal any level of my ability to feel socially comfortable with them. I just now, as I'm writing this, put two and two together and realized what it was that was difficult for me. To me it seemed that by putting myself out there and showing them how much I loved and appreciated them that it was in fact placing myself in a position to be hurt. No one can hurt you if they don't have any part of me to hurt. By giving them my heart, I felt vulnerable and scared of having my love and respect for them somehow mistreated and disrespected.

Saying that aloud just sounds silly. It really does, especially knowing all the people that have given so selflessly to us, over and over. Logically I know that they wouldn't do that to us, but my heart didn't know it for some time. This unexpected situation that I've found myself in over the past two months has taught me more about myself than I would have originally expected. It's also helped me to see something that Naki has always known. I only wish that I too, could have known it when he was alive. He's known all along what I'm just now learning. Unlike myself, Naki has many many many friends and very few acquaintances. He gives his heart so easily to those he calls "friend". I know that is why he has so very many of them.

The lesson I've learned is that I need to be more like Naki. I need to be willing to give my heart to those around me, without worrying about it being thrown back in my face, unappreciated or disrespected. By not letting many of my "acquaintances" be my "friends", I have not allowed my Heavenly Father to bless me the way He so badly wants to. Only He knows how deeply my heart has hurt recently as I've wanted to be loved and respected the way I deserve. All around me have been my friends, waiting in the wings, doing what they've always done, loving, as I've been oblivious to what was right in front of my face. I'm just now learning that your family is not only made up by those you are related to. God has given me the most amazing family of friends.

These photos are of me and the girls up Provo Canyon with some of our newest "friends", acquaintances of mine until my recent realizations. Nothing they do now is different than what they've ever done. They've always loved us, I've just been unable to accept it without my fears accompanying it. They drove us up the Canyon to show us one of their favorite spots, which is now one of our favorite spots! The girls are absolutely addicted to going up there and finding some trail to hike on. We've been up there now three weekends in a row. We'll all be disappointed when it gets too cold to enjoy it, but for now we're loving it. Almost as much as we love all of our dear dear friends.

Confession

Several months ago I received the strongest impression that it was time for me to get started on one of the new responsibilities that Naki's death has brought into my life...working. I bucked at the idea, hid from it, and yelled about it mentally until I knew I could avoid it no more. At first I was trying to figure out what to go back to school for. After several weeks at studying it out with zero results that felt right, it occurred to me that it would be just fine if I worked part time right now until I figured it out. I immediately emailed the Principle at the girlies' school to inform him that I was looking for a part time job. I find no coincidence that my impressions to start working, and at the school, resulted in a job almost immediately. The situation is perfect. It is a job that requires no preparation on my part. I am a teacher's aide in the Kindergarten. Eli is in Kindergarten this year, and so I am lucky that they are allowing her to shadow me for an hour after her class is excused, as I have to stay an hour later after she would normally go home. I cannot get used to not being at home, even if it's only for 4 hours in the morning, with my two littlest ones. It is the worst feeling to be apart from them. By the time I get home they are going down for a nap, and then when they wake I no longer have any one on one time with them since their sisters are home from school. I shouldn't complain. It is very hard for me nonetheless. As a result I can't work out after the girls go to school like I did last year. That's why the only time slot I have for exercise is before the whole day even begins.

I'm ashamed to confess that since working out on Monday morning I have been unable to arise so dang early. How am I going to fit it in to my schedule? The reason I'm unable to wake up so early is obvious to me because it's not a new one. By the time I get all the kid's in bed after doing all our responsibilities, dinner, baths, and reading, I'm pooped. All I want to do is veg and do nothing for an hour or two. When I go to bed immediately after the girls do it makes me feel like I'm running in a rat race, knowing that I'll only wake up in what feels like an instant, to start the whole process over again. I have learned that in order to survive my life I need time to be Abby, not just Mom. And so I use that time after they go to bed to read a book, study, write in my journal (my blog), or watch television. I feel like the only way I could possibly wake up so early would be if I went to bed earlier, and I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice the only time I have for myself. This is my confession for the day.

Eli also had a confession this morning, but not in words as much as an overwhelming, powerful, and suffocating smell of my perfume. She was supposed to be collecting the laundry, and instead came to breakfast with almost visible cloying whorls of Chloe Narcisse, the perfume I used to wear but haven't for some time. When we first got married Naki always used to make choking sounds and motions when he'd walk into the bathroom after I'd sprayed it. I learned that a small dose goes a long way. Eli thinks I have spies around the house. She is amazed at my ability to tell what she's been doing when I couldn't see her! Now I'm the one walking around, making choking sounds and motions every time she walks by me.

Maybe I should somehow apply the perfume concept of a little goes a long way to my time at night. Instead of two hours alone I'll have to suffice with a half hour...I don't know if it'll be enough, but I guess I can try it.

Today was my first day starting my new exercise schedule. The only time slot open for me to work out, sadly, is at 5 a.m. Puke, puke, puke. It's only 1:59 and I am draaaaggggging...*yawn*.

Line

Line surprised me today. When I asked her to please take Ane on a walk for 15 minutes around the block, she balked completely, and let me know very clearly her displeasure at the idea. This was a reaction that I've just recently started to see from her, followed very quickly afterwards with a sincere apology and a request for my forgiveness. When the timing was appropriate I tried to talk to her about her actions and how to not necessarily change the way she was feeling, but to change the way she allowed those feelings to affect the way she treated me. Shortly after our talk I couldn't find her anywhere. I called her name several times without any response. Immediately I thought that perhaps she'd run away. The notion of her doing such a thing seems ridiculous. Not Line. But her other behavior choices recently have seemed so out of character that I wondered. My fear was quickly calmed, as she was just down in her bathroom.

When she eventually came upstairs I told her that she had freaked me out! I shared with her my freaked-out notions that she'd perhaps run away, followed by asking her, "You'd never do that, would you?" She paused, much too long for my taste, and said, "Uhhh, in my drama-mixed-up head, yes."

Mom: Where would you go?
Line: Just to the park, and I'd live in the tree that I always climb in.
Mom: Well, at least I know where to look if I can never find you.
Line: I'd just sneak into parties at the park and eat their food, pretending I was invited. I'd come back home when it got too cold.
Mom: I bet you'd get pretty stinky, never getting a shower or anything.
Line: Oh, I'd wash in the drinking fountains, although I wouldn't do it in public. I'd wait until no one was around.
Mom: What is it about the park that is so enticing?
Line: Just being able to be alone sometime.
Mom: Well, I could arrange that. What about if you went into the backyard in the hammock, and I made sure no one else went into the backyard for an hour or so?
Line: (after a thoughtful pause) Okay...I guess that would work.

Oh, she and her dramatic mind kill me sometimes. I appreciated how it took us from a place of frustration with each other to a place of humor and giggling. Thanks Line.

This time of year is and isn't one of my favorites. Today the air smelled so sweet and fresh, the sun shone, it rained, there was a constant breeze, and you can just feel the change of the seasons and the year in the air. I've always adored that about the fall. Kids are back in school, schedules are once again in place, BYU Football is back after what seemed like a forever long hiatus, and the air just kind of buzzes with the hopeful expectations that come with the changing season. I'm frustrated this year, because one of my favorite seasons will forever be tainted...tainted with the death of my Baby, Naki. I can no longer experience this time of year without associating it with my "after". There are falls before Naki died, and from now on every fall will be one that occurs after he died. I don't like that.

Every year he would sit down with me and tell me the dates, times, and channels that the BYU games would be televised on, and I would put them in my phone to ensure I would never miss it. Not only have two, maybe three, games passed me by without my knowledge, but on the games that I have remembered and watched portions, it has been so difficult to enjoy them. Not because they lost! But because I didn't realize that my enjoyment from watching the games included sitting up late at night to watch the news coverage with Naki and hearing all of his insights and insider info on the players and the game. It's just not the same as it was with him involved, watching people that despite my love for the game and for the team I just cannot get that excited about. It's almost more painful to watch than it is to not watch. Even I'M shocked at the thought that I could skip a game and be okay. But just like every other hard thing that his death has brought into my life, I refuse to shrink under the weight of a difficult thing. I make sure that I have the game on and the girls wearing their BYU gear, if I can remember it. Tonight I found the schedule myself and put it into my phone so I won't be frustrated to realize that half of the game has happened without my watching it.

We're approaching pumpkin season, one of Naki's favorites. He always took on the job of carving and helping the girls with their carvings. I saw some pumpkins for sale today for the first time, and it took me immediately back to all the fun times we've had with those carving sessions. Chaotic times, but fun ones for sure. I was surprised to hear one of the girls ask me when they noticed the pumpkins too, "Mom, how are we going to do the pumpkin patch this year without Daddy?" We mostly go to the same place every year to get our pumpkins, and last year's visit seems so unreal when I think about it. My Dad came with us and helped carry all of the pumpkins that the girls picked, and my sister and family came from Nevada the night we were carving and helped with that. It surprised me to realize that for some of the girls last year's visit was somewhat of a blur, too. They hadn't remembered that this would be the second time to do it without Dad. To them the thought of doing it without him still felt as fresh as if we hadn't already experienced it without him.

We're approaching October 16th, and I'm trying to figure out exactly how I feel about reaching my first year landmark of Naki's death. Could it really be approaching so quickly? How exactly does time do that...Seem to move so slow and yet we're simultaneously looking back trying to figure out how it went by so quickly? When I was putting in the football schedule into my phone tonight I discovered that there is a game on the 16th as well as one the following week on the 23rd, which was the day he was buried. I don't know how I feel about that. What exactly does someone do on such a day? It is something to be acknowledged, for sure. But I'm still thinking through how to do it so that the girls don't feel any more down or solemn than necessary, at the same time trying to create calm and peaceful memories for them to remember. When Naki died the ground wasn't the right temperature to install a headstone, so I didn't worry about rushing into that decision in any way. As several months passed and spring approached, I knew that I neeeded to get my feet moving, but just couldn't bring myself to do something so final, as silly as that sounds. Like there's anything more final than not living, breathing, and waking with my husband. I finally did it, went to the Monument business that a friend had recommended, and started getting the engraving sketched up. We decided that a photo would be a good thing for the girls to have on it, so that the younger ones hopefully would be able to more clearly understand where Daddy's body is, and that portion of the process has taken longer than I expected. I was beyond thrilled when I called them this week to check on things to hear that they'd received the picture in the mail, back from the company they'd sent it to, and that the actual engraving should start this week. I had been praying that it would be finished and in the ground before his one year mark. I would do it all the same again, as far as waiting to order it as long as I did, but even so I really really wanted it to be finished and in the ground by October 16th. It looks like it should be finished with time to spare.

Line told me the other night that this time of year makes her think of Dad dying, just like me. She is such a worrier, as are some of the others. They just don't feel the impulse and urge to share their worries like Line does. She couldn't sleep the other night, for fear that I would be dead in the morning. She said that she was just starting to feel a bit better about our altered life, and knew that she just wouldn't be able to handle starting the whole grieving process over again should something happen to me. That girl's mind and mine are so similar in many ways. I agreed with her, that it would indeed be hard to start all over again. Once you've experienced death it's so easy to walk around, just waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I wish I could make guarantees to her, that no more bad things will happen that she will feel grief for, but I just can't do that. I did tell her that I didn't feel that me dying anytime soon was part of our family's plan, although I'll admit that as soon as I said that I realized that the night before Naki died neither he nor I thought that his early death would be part of our family's plan either. I shared with her that I'd learned not to ask God for no bad things to happen, but for Him to give me the strength and the faith I need to make it through whatever difficult times come my way. Every time the girls hear any type of siren, whether police, ambulance, or fire truck, they immediately stop whatever they're doing to say a prayer for whomever is involved. We Maile girls know that to pray that whomever is involved will get better doesn't alway happen. And so we pray that they and their families will have the strength they need for their circumstance, whatever it is.

Alma 33:23 (The Book of Mormon) "And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will. Amen."