New Music

Music has always played a powerful role in my life. It evokes emotions within me that I'm not always aware I feel and brings to the surface those emotions I've known I've felt but haven't always been able to adequately express. I love hearing my thoughts expressed and sung so beautifully. I used to find comfort in songs about true love, being parents, and about all things that tie me to this earth. A friend told me something one of her nurses told her once, and it is exactly how I feel. She said,

"Ever since my husband died, I have never felt quite the same attachment to this earthly world."

Now those songs I used to listen to, although I still love them, don't hold as much meaning for me as they once used to. I've also discovered that I do better emotionally if I do not listen to them all the time. Hearing songs that focus on things that currently do not apply to me only bring frustration, bitterness, and a never-ending stream of questions mixed with tears. Of course there is nothing wrong with these songs. But for me they interfere with my ability to think positively and to keep my eyes focused Heavenward. I have started listening to a Christian music station in the car. This music is completely uplifting, motivating, and captures my new emotions and oft times conflicted thoughts in this new reality of mine. These songs help me to think and look at my experiences through an eternal perspective rather than an earthly or temporal/temporary one. Of course, there are some I like more than others, as I hear those songs that resonate truth within me.

Enjoy.

It's gone, but He isn't

Today was the day. I looked at it, that toothbrush barometer, spoke outloud to Naki and told Him that I can't wait to see his pearly white grin looking down at me some day soon, and then tossed it in the trash can. Oh...the flosser got a nod of acknowledgement too, even though I'm not so sure he used it as often as his toothbrush.

Help the computer illiterate...

I have the most adorable video of Eli, discussing the whole kitty thing. It's about 8 minutes long, and I really REALLY want to post it on here. Each time I try, it just sits uploading forever and never actually finishes. I tried to upload it on youtube and after a bit of uploading received error reports. What the heck is going on? I had no problems uploading the video on my previous post, and it had no problems. Both videos were recorded the same night, so the only difference that I can see is the length of the videos. Any suggestions? You all just HAVE to see this video of my sassy Eli.

Jack

When the kitchen started getting underway and we started eating in the garage shortly after Thanksgiving, our sweet friends insisted that we come over and eat our meals at their house. I couldn't bring myself to intrude THAT much, and so we compromised and we only intrude for breakfast. They live right across the tennis courts by our house and a couple of footsteps away from the school. I drop off the girls at their house every weekday morning where they get to eat breakfast...way much better breakfast than what they get at my house. I know that because the girls have told me. Ahem...manners, girls. They're still going over there, because when I told them that we could now eat breakfast at our house, they started to cry in serious anguish.



Our friends are the proud owners of two sweet cats, which at first brought no small amount of terror to some of the girlies' hearts...Eli battled her fear of them versus her desire to see them with not the MOST finesse. Watching her take the long walk up their sidewalk each morning that takes her past the bushes where the cats sometimes hide was a combination of entertainment and annoyance for me. (Look at that goober vs. just get inside the dang house already, Eli!) Imagine my surprise one morning when I went to pick up Eli one morning to find her completely attached to those kitties... petting them, feeding them, loving on them, looking for them if she couldn't immediately see them. She refused to leave, adamant in her stance that she must have a cat. She's since learned that she doesn't have to sob everytime it's time to leave, although I still have to be pretty convincing in my persuasion technique. I pushed her arguments and pleadings for a cat out of my mind. In the past when I knew I wasn't prepared for a dog as a pet, I'd tried to convince Naki that a cat would be a pretty good compromise but that never took me very far. He apparently was somewhat traumatized as a boy watching his younger brother get pretty scratched up by a cat and would never be the same towards the species. After Eli made such a spectacle the thought, accompanied by a fair amount of guilt, came to me that I could in fact now get her one. Uuugh. I hate all the guilt I feel about so many different things. But this one felt awful...almost like a bit of betrayal. All over a cat, for heaven's sake! So, I just let the idea ruminate in me for a while without telling Eli that I'd been considering it.



Eli does not like change. What am I saying. None of us around here these days like change. But ESPECIALLY her. So at the first of the year when her Primary class moved to a new teacher, it did not go smoothly. With the exception of this last Sunday, it still hasn't been going smoothly, that being the understatement of the year. It took her more than half of last year to finally adapt to her teachers. She knows that once she conquered her fears last year she had the best time and has been able to realize that the same happiness is attainable for her with her new teacher. Her fear of the unknown factors of that process just overwhelm her and terrorize her. The sweet women who work with her week in and week out, who gently crouch down to meet her at her level, who endure her scorn and withering glances, who don't take offense at her biting and hurtful remarks, who try to creatively work with her to try and understand her, who try so hard to honor what I want as her mother, deserve such Heavenly Honor for all their loving efforts. I could think of no other method, idea, clever manuevering, or sincere relating to her how I knew she'd feel having accomplished something that was so fearful for her. All had worked before.



As I sat with her a couple of weeks ago on the floor in the hall outside the Primary Room, I knew in an instant what she needed. I immediately felt resolved, calm, and guilt free. I looked her in the eye and asked her if she felt she was ready to be the proud, new owner of her very own kitty. Only God knows us best, and He knew exactly what would help give her the confidence and strength to do something she is so very afraid of. The only thing that held her back a bit in accepting the plan was the worry for her Uncle that he might not be okay around her kitty. I assured her that we could always shut her new baby in her room until anyone who was slightly afraid of it had left, as so many people have done for her when she's visited houses where a cat resides. We devised a plan where she gets to earn one sticker to place on her Kitty Poster for sitting with her class during the first hour of Primary, and yet another for actually attending her class during the second hour. Each time she's earned four stickers, she gets to go shop with me to pick up one of the neccessary items required when one is to be a cat owner. After she's earned all 8 items, it will be time to visit a shelter to get the actual cat. If she chooses to not attend either hour on any given Sunday, then that is one sticker she must remove that she'd previously earned. She is simply giddy with the idea of getting her very own cat. I think I'm getting more and more used to the idea, too. Especially since she actually walked straight to the Primary Room without a single problem. Hopefully she'll have worked through these fears by the time she has to switch teachers next year...I'm fresh out of ideas. God's gonna have to plant another one in my head when the need arises, and I know He will.



Two weeks ago I noticed a cat paroling the fence in our back yard. Imagine our surprise when we discovered a cat who'd picked us! Not that we're keeping him...we've discovered who his owners are. But the timing was kinda fun. It started getting a bit more comfortable and made it's way into our yard at the same time every day. We were shocked to see it make it's way up to our kitchen porch doors...I think it about jolted Ane right out of her little self, since it's nose peering into the window was exactly at her eye level. These pics I caught were after he'd walked a bit away. We've learned that we need to stop referring to our little visitor as a "He". He is a She, who's owners made the same error and named her Jack. So, Jack comes to visit us now and then. It's been fun seeing Ane peer out the door, waiting for Jack to come and say hi.

Last night Eli worked on her poster with Lose's assistance. It was adorable, and Eli was so proud to be able to place her first two stickers.

Vanity seems to be a good motivator

Lose has been rebelling against the whole brush-your-teeth-daily thing. What is WITH this girl?! It makes me crazy.

We have this super-fun/annoying ritual every single day.

I ask her, "Lose? Did you brush your teeth?", to which she replies EVERY time,

"Yes".

And I know that every time she says it, she's totally fibbing. I then ask her,

"Really? Let me smell your breath...", to which she reluctantly turns straight around back to the bathroom to finally brush her teeth.

I've been trying to figure out how to get her to brush her teeth. I recently heard Naki's voice in my head, reminding me that the only way we got her to stop sucking her thumb was by using her vanity. Naki looked up pictures on the internet when she turned 4 of people's teeth who never stopped sucking their thumb...really REALLY extreme scenarios. He had her look at those pictures and then told her that if she didn't stop sucking her thumb, that is exactly where her teeth were headed. Yup...she's never ONCE stuck that thumb back in there. She quit cold turkey that very day. I decided to follow his voice in my head and looked up pictures this morning of people with tooth decay from horrible dental hygiene. They were AWFUL! I called her over to the computer this morning after our lovely daily "let-me-smell-your-breath" routine and told her to take a good look at what her teeth were destined to look like. Ginny and I couldn't stop laughing as she solemnly and immediately turned straight for the bathroom. Not only did she brush, she dutifully flipped over the 2 minute toothbrushing timer the dentist gave us and brushed the entire time.

Obviously, it's only been one morning. But I have a strong feeling we'll never have to discuss this matter again. Who said vanity is a bad thing?

My Questions for God

I have so many questions. Questions, I've learned, are a fabulous thing. At first they didn't feel all that fabulous. They overwhelmed me in their strength and number, and for the first time in my entire mortal life I felt dangerously unbalanced...arms flailing as if I only had one foot on the crumbling edge of a cliff and the other in midair over a treachorous and seemingly bottomless canyon. They left me feeling completely alone in my thoughts, as if no one could ever understand the way it felt to be me, to feel so entirely changed in a way that scared me. The fear of finding out that the answers to my questions weren't the answers I wanted them to be paralyzed me and froze me in my thoughts. The questions were relentlessly circling, with no end in sight because I feared the answers. It took me a bit longer than I care to admit, but I figured out that to question is in fact a necessity in my ability to learn and to discover eternal truth. My fear absolutely paralyzed me. By having chosen to fear I chose to lack faith in myself, in Naki, and in my Heavenly Father. I eventually was able to discern my fears for what they truly were...a strong and persuasive attempt to derail my path to a healthy, successful, and truly joyful future with my eternal friends, God, Jesus, and Naki. Since my fear vs. faith revelation, I now pair all of my questions with an act of faith.

Questions + fear = Despair, Isolation, Depression, Doubt, Anxiety, and Sorrow
or
Questions + faith = Humility, Hope, Trust, Desire, and Hunger for all things Godly and to be all things Godly in order to recieve answers to your questions

Questions definitely are a gift. Don't assume that it is a lack of faith on your part if you have a question. Ask, Ask, Ask. It is the only way to get the answers you seek. I have SO many questions about so very many things, and know that I'll be asking and simultaneously acting in faith until I am blessed with the answers.

Be forewarned...I choose to use this blog as my personal notebook of my intimate thoughts. Well, most of them. Many of those thoughts I choose to sometimes keep to myself for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I keep them quiet because they are too special, too personal, too spiritual, to be shared publicly. And sometimes I keep them unwritten because they are my gospel thoughts and in writing them would never wish to offend someone who does not share those same beliefes. Today, the feeling to share my thoughts has completely flowed from my fingertips unhindered, and so I write these thoughts out today for myself. I never question what I write when the feeling to do so comes so strongly.

One of the things that I questioned so very much was the validity of Patriarchal Blessings. I know that many who read this blog may already have an understanding of what one is, and that many who read this blog may not have an understanding of what one is. In my questioning their validity, I acted in faith and tried to learn more about them and in doing so discovered new things about them that I'd never heard before. I learned that in the book of Genesis, Jacob gave patriarchal blessings to his 12 sons, predicting what would happen to them and to their posterity. As a baptized member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are inheritors of the blessings of Jacob, and it is our privilege to receive our very own patriarchal blessings. Geez...this is harder to explain than I thought. Here is a quote from a letter written by David O. McKay, one of the church's latter-day prophets, dated June 28, 1957, explaining and defining a Patriarchal Blessing.

Patriarchal blessings are "...an inspired and prophetic statement of the life mission of the recipient, together with such blessings, cautions, and admonitions as the patriarch may be prompted to give for the accomplishment of such life's mission, it being always made clear that the realization of all promised blessings is conditioned upon faithfulness to the gospel of our Lord, whose servant the patriarch is."

I have felt a barrage of questions as to things in Naki and my blessings that seem unfulfilled or unclear as to his life's mission. It appears to have been cut short, with many things left undone. How can that be? Isn't God in charge of all things? Could he have died too soon with many things left incomplete? I have prayed about this and have asked many questions about it. In my studies recently I have been reading much about the millenium, the age of peace when Christ will personally reign on the earth. As I reread his Patriarchal Blessing, it has been made very clear to me that some of those things that felt incomplete are yet to come...a blessing is given to each of us in consideration that we are eternal in nature...we don't end existing when we die. Our "life's mission" may be interpreted as our mission in this mortal life. But I've felt strongly impressed that our "life's mission" includes our life not only here, but before we were born on the earth and after we die...our eternal Spirit's life. Thus, the blessings mentioned in our Patriarchal Blessings can indeed seem incomplete when compared to only a fraction of our existence, this mortality on earth. I have felt much resolution and excitement as I've learned new things in my questioning.

My own Patriarchal Blessing tells me that I should keep and maintain a journal. I am to place within it all meaningful experiences, that they may uplift me in my moments of despondency. This has helped me so very much to follow this counsel throughout my life. It is the true reason I started blogging in the first place, so that I would be able to read back and feel uplifted in future difficulties. I kept a journal faithfully until I got married. It became very sporadic after that, and I wish I'd done a better job. Oh, if I'd only known about blogging back then! I've been reading my journals often since Naki died...especially the journal I kept when we were both serving as full time missionaries for the church at the same time before we were married. It's insane how my experience of being separated from him for those two years echoes so much of what I experience these days emotionally and spiritually. In the future, I'd like to post some of my entries (leaving out all the embarrassing and immature stuff...of course!), and want to start by sharing one today that I wrote Friday, June 6, 1997.

"Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not focused enough on missionary work because so many of my thoughts are already occupied by him. So many things that I do, I do for him, to make me the person I want to be for him. Silly things...for example, I hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE, calling people on the phone! I don't know why, I just do. So every time that thought enters my mind here on my mission I just think, "Well, What am I going to do later when Naki and I are married? He won't always be there. And when I'm a mother and a wife you have to call and talk to people." So whenever I'm out here and I think about how I don't want to call someone, I have all those thoughts run through my head, and then I reach for the phone and do it anyway.

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by how much I love him. And then sometimes I think, "What did his hand feel like, or how did he sound when he said this, or how would he look at me, what face would he make?" These physical things, I wonder how their memory can be so faint. But then I remember that though they may be faint, how he made me feel through those physical things is the thing that I can remember, and is those emotional things that I do remember. More than anything I remember how he makes me feel, and how he continues to make me feel. He is such a valiant missionary, and wants me to be a valient missionary, too. What did he say in his last letter...it was so cute. Oh. He said to make sure that I'm working hard. Then he said, "I'm not doubting you, just reminding you. I know you're working hard, Baby. Okay?" He is so gentle with me...just what I need. Heavenly Father is really watching out for me. One way I can repay Him is by being a better missionary...something I can definitely be proud of, and that I can definitely improve on. I never want to look back on my mission and be disappointed. Tommorrow I commit that I WILL work harder, even though I'm pooped. That doesn't matter...I will continue to press forward."

I could've have written that exact entry today instead of 13 years ago...I find no irony in the fact that keeping a journal for two years while we were separated is something I have to read and reread for the times we're again apart. I no longer have questions regarding Patriarchal Blessings. I'm so excited to get some more answers on "My Questions for God" list...

My Very Own Personal Heaven Magnet

I've never done this before, but am currently reading about 8 different books simultaneously. I keep two in my purse, one in the car, and the others beside my bed. All discuss eternal ideas and gospel principles, some near death experiences, but each have different voices...some direct and preachy, some soothing and gentle, some personal experiences, etc. etc. They help chase away my nighttime demons that only a widow who once was blessed to lay side by side with her best friend and lover and now sleeps with her hand resting where he once did could know about. Tonight I stumbled on a quote that before Naki died wouldn't have resonated within me the way it does now. It comes from the book titled, "The Birth that we call Death" by Paul H. Dunn and Richard M. Eyre. In the text they quote Jean Paul Richter saying,

"Each departed friend is a magnet that attracts us to the next world."

As if he didn't hold enough attraction for me in the first place...