Just some pictures

I have several pictures that I've taken but never posted...my posts always seem to be about me and my feelings, and I need to put more things on here that actually journal some of the girls' journey as well. These don't necessarily do that, but I plan on printing all of this blog at some point, and want these pictures included. This was very shortly after Naki died, and Eva managed to sneak one of her favorite stuffed animals into the bathtub with her. She manages to sneak a lot of things these days.

Here's my own little Rudolph. She is getting so fun and is so silly. She sure isn't spoiled or anything...
Here is the outing to get the Christmas tree I spoke of in an earlier post. There is a Tongan who works at Home Depot that we've seen in there often over the last several years. He came up to talk to the girlies and I while we were waiting for the tree to be tied and such...He let the girlies get these, and the tree too, on the house. Such a fun and exhausting moment. They did their Dad proud though and got the biggest tree on the lot. Seriously, girls...They did help me carry the thing up the stairs and into the front room. We are serious Christmas Tree purchasers around here.

I thought I should put a picture of the actual stitches on here. You can't see, but they actually go up into my hair and scalp. I learned from this that stitches on your forehead heal faster than those on your scalp. I actually had to go in twice to get them all removed...first for the forehead ones and 5 days later for the ones on the scalp.

My Malia...such a sweet love. She wanted to play in the snow, and went out and carved hearts instead of making snowballs. Out of all the girls she has always hid her pained emotions the most, and that's been like that since she was a baby. Getting her to talk about things sometimes is like pulling teeth. I worry about her because of that. She insisted that I take a picture of the snow-heart. It's almost as big as yours, Malia.

Outpouring of Love

I had the strangest thing happen to me today. The kitchen really is making significant progress. We are eating in there now, but their was a miscommunication somewhere about the height of the bar counter and the matching height of the stools used at the counter, resulting in too short of stools. So until the new ones get here (thank you for working so hard to get the right ones here, Mom) the girls literally stand on their stool to eat at the counter. This makes for lots of food mishaps. I saw the need, or in other words I saw the food on the floor after every meal that looks like there was a food fight when my back was turned, and immediately went out and got a nifty contraption to make cleaning the floors quick, easy, and actually enjoyable. Nothing like a fanTAStic vacuum to get my blood pumpin'. Seriously, is there anything better than clean floors? Well, okay. Obviously there is, but these days I'll take anything.

Part of the kitchen design included a must-have, at least in my world. A television in the kitchen. Now I know that there are many of you TV sensitive folks out there. But I love having the kids clean up their mess and then come sit down in the kitchen and just sit there peacefully and quietly while I get the meal ready. Well mostly quiet, if you don't include Ane screaching at me the entire time. That way when it's time to eat I click it off, the house is tidy around me, and we can sit and visit while we eat. Satisfaction for everyone... Since we're using that space I decided it was time to go and shop for the TV that would fit in the new cupboards. (I still use the word 'cupboards' instead of the fancy designer kitchen type word 'cabinets'. Same thing, right?) The reason I hadn't done this so far is because shopping for those kinds of things just isn't very much fun without Naki. We dreamed for so long of being able to someday own such nice things, and it seems so unfulfilling to have to go get it by myself and consequently enjoy it by myself. I also needed a cable box for this TV, and knew that meant going down to the Comcast building and picking one up. This I also dreaded because electronics just isn't my thing. I try to make it my thing, but after broken cameras, movies that I just can't get to work, not successfully programming the radio stations in the car, being unable to figure out why something on the computer isn't working, and becoming easily confused when trying to pick out a new cell phone, I just conceded to the Electronics God and handed all such things over to Naki. I hope and pray every day I go to turn the TV on that it actually works. I am so screwed if there is ever a problem. I know that I could always call someone to come and help the poor widdle widow, but that gets old guys. Real fast. I'm too independent to keep that up for long. As I walked the dreaded steps into the Comcast building with the two babies along I crossed my spiritual fingers, which aren't very strong these days, and wished, or prayed in spiritual lingo, that this would all go well and it would go fast. We had just come from Eva's therapy session, and she's always a bit of a loose cannon after those.

After explaining to my newest and dear Comcast confidant (you know who you are YaYa!) what I was looking for, and what kind of budget I was on, she got me all set up with the right box for the job. At the end, she asked me if I knew how to set it up. Now, a bit of background here. When we went to Home Depot to get our Christmas tree this year, I told the young man helping us that my husband had died and we were on our first pick-out-the-tree outing without him, and I would need help getting it on top of the car and tied down. He was so gracious...he'd lost his mother at a young age just like the girlies, and was so sweet and generous with us that day. On the way home, Line asked me why I tell everyone that Dad died. I told her and all the other girls that it's not necessary to use that information to make people help you...you don't find me at the store paying, or at the gym when I hand my gym pass to the desk attendant, or when I meet someone new from their school, telling everyone I encounter there that my husband died. But I was smart enough to realize that there are going to be some situations I find mysef in that I know I will fall short and will not succeed because I just don't have the knowledge or ability that Naki would have had in that same situation. At that point I inform those involved that I need help! There is nothing wrong with that and so I use it only when I feel it's necessary and appropriate. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea, that we could use the fact that our Dad died to get others to be nice to us or to help us. Instead it's a way to admit your shortcomings and to admit that you can't do something alone. Today I told my Comcast helper that information because I was hopeful that she would understand my plight and therefore instruct me thoroughly on how to set it all up. Immediately after I told her that Naki'd died, imagine my shock when she said, "I know. I read your blog."! I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the counter where I was standing and stayed there for several seconds, because she got teary and said, "I've been debating whether or not to tell you but didn't want to seem like a stalker!". I snapped out of my shock and started to laugh/cry, because really, my spiritual fingers these days really do need strengthening, and I knew that this was no coincidence that when I finally got the courage to go and do this electronically-intimidating task that made me miss Naki so terribly, who was there but someone who knew my pain and cared for me and mine...she didn't bat an eye the whole time while Eva jumped up and down on the lobby couch, or when Ane turned the lobby TV on REALLY loud, or when Eva tackled Ane and then sat on her back saying "Heeyah, heeyah, Horsie..." to which Ane shrieked in desperation, etc etc. Others looked somewhat pained, but not her. Now I knew why...she knew us. What a comfort. After I was able to process that, she sweetly said to me, "How's your head?", which made me just laugh. I walked out of Comcast today feeling a eensy bit lighter on my feet, if just for a minute. It was the highlight of my day.

There is so much that I want to write about. When Naki first died any time I had a thought I'd jot it down in a little notebook I carry in my purse. I have fallen out of that habit, and regret it. Now I spend way too much time writing in my head, and then by the time I actually get to sit down at night I've forgotten what it was I was writing about. But one thing I could never forget that I wanted to write about is the graciousness and generosity of family, friends and strangers alike.

I jokingly said to my dearest friend today on the phone that I really scored, having my husband die so close to Christmas. (You'll have to pardon my morbid sense of humor...it's either laugh about something and make light of it or fall apart in wrenching sobs. Trust me, the first one is the better of the two.) After being on the receiving end of so much generosity at this precious time of year I almost feel unworthy. If all of you could have seen the girls' faces every time something was given to us, you would have known for sure that your gifts were appreciated and made them feel completely loved. They feel everyone's consideration for their awful situation so easily now it's almost humorous. Every time they see someone crying or sad, whether at church during testimony meeting, or a child at school who's fallen, or even a little newborn baby crying, the little ones will say to me, "Oh Mom...they're so sad because they know our Dad died". Because so many people have offered their love and have grieved along side us so generously, they now believe that it must be the main source of anyone's sorrow. Every time they say something like that it makes me smile, not only because they're so cute in their assumption, but because it brings a smile to me at a time that I don't feel like smiling, knowing that so many of you try so hard to love us. I've tried to make a list in my head, and as a result know that I'll miss someone, but it's been so plentiful that I can hardly keep track. I just wanted all of you to know that I am aware of all of your sweet actions and gifts to our family, even those that I don't know who they came from. The other day when it snowed on and off for the whole day we had 4 or 5 different people come to the house at different times to shovel. Someone put my trash can out on the curb last week on trash day when I forgot. My dentist let me bring all of the girls for their annual cleaning and me for an emergency root canal when he knew I had no insurance coverage. My home teachers put up my exterior christmas lights because no one wanted me to fall off the roof, even though I put them on every year. Neighbors AND the guy installing the cabinets combined their efforts to help me get unstuck out of the snow bank across from my house. The girls' Elementary School and their thoughtful gifts. The BYU athletic department secret santa'd us for 12 days and made every night enjoyable as we looked forward to what they would bring, including Cosmo and the Cheerleaders at Malia's birthday party and a special spa morning with the Cougarettes. We were given the 12 days of christmas with a new Nativity piece every night. People were generous, so generous, in giving us toys, crafts, framed artwork, and gift cards to ensure we had a good Christmas. There are sisters in my ward who work together once a week to bring us dinner, and our dear dear friends the Herrings who also bring us dinner once a week...such a relief to me week after week. The Sunday Secret Santa, who when we would arrive home from church would have left something on our porch wrapped for the girls. The sister in my ward who had a basket delivered to me filled with fantastic indulgences, one of which was my new favorite red slipper socks. Orem City's Water Facility employees, who donated a much needed gift card. The gentleman who's wife died a couple years earlier who donated Christmas dinner. One of our Florida Uncle's place of work provided the girls with their very own "credit cards", in their words, or in my words 'gift cards', which they've been making very detailed plans for. The generous and much needed financial donations, which have made me wonder to what sacrifice people have gone to in order to help us. The girls' Primary teachers and leaders, ever aware of the girlies' new needs and ever patient with their intensified idiosyncracies. The hard work of all the different people involved on the remodel...the donated materials and time astound me. A generous gift to ride the Heber Valley Railroad Polar Express...anonymously...such a great memory that the girls will always remember. They still remember the Elves' names and their funny jokes from the train car we were on. A true friend letting the girls eat breakfast at her house every morning, including over winter break,while our kitchen is still in the works. Family that doesn't quit..they are there every step of the way to encourage and brighten our seemingly endlessly depressing and lonely future.

I am absolutely positive that I'm forgetting many many of you, and those that I forgot to mention will probably come to me when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I nor the girls will ever ever forget what it means to be on the receiving end of such generosity and love. We have made a committment ourselves to try and be so generous to others as you have all been to us. Thank you for teaching us how to love. Umas to you all.

Thanks, LoLo.

I've been meaning to post what Lose said at last week's family home evening. That girl can really be exasperating sometimes, but she also has the ability to be so wise. We were discussing the story of Jonah and the Whale. We looked at a picture depicting Jonah aftere he had been spit out on the shore and the whale was swimming off in the distance. We spoke as a family about how sometimes it seems easiest to run away from those things that seem hardest for us to do and that seem unconquerable. It was easy to draw the parallel between Jonah's experience and ours. Emotionally these girls are working hard to face what even some adults don't have to consider dealing with for years and years. It would be easy for them to hide their feelings and run from confronting all that Naki's death brings to their little lives. But they are courageous and strong women. The process isn't pretty or graceful, but instead gritty, honest, and raw. After the lesson I asked all the girls to tell me anything they'd learned from Jonah's story that they could apply to their own lives. They each had interesting things to share. But Lose's was so wise and poignant, I had to pass it along. She said,

"I learned, Mom, that magic isn't real. But miracles are."

Line and Malia loved it so much that a week later I found them writting 'themes', as they called them, for their new year, on a huge poster in their room. The very first theme was Lose's. Thanks, LoLo.

Angelic voices

I've been feeling pretty bleak lately. So bleak that it isn't worth talking about. No one needs to really hear that. I have the best people surrounding me, but I'm to the point that when people ask me how I'm doing, that I just don't have it in me to unload on anyone anymore. I can only imagine that it's just too awful to listen to over and over and over again and I can see how badly people want to help, but there truly is no helping this problem. This one's between me and God. I have found myself in an awful and painful place...doubting spiritual knowledge and faith that I've never ever doubted before. It's torturing me from the inside out, making Sundays even more heavy and trying than they were already. I'm trying, am I ever trying, to investigate and explore my way through all of this. Despite the unfamiliar and foreign territory I find myself in, I'm trying to hold onto all that I DO know, for certain. I have a keen awareness of the impact that spending time discussing gospel principles and afterwards playing together can have on a family. We call it Family Home Evening and try to do it every Monday night. Since Naki died they've been really interesting. Some were only 5 minutes long. Some were spent corraling little ones over and over to stay where the rest of us were. Tonight we spent most of it with me shouting over Ane's screaming and crying because she was insistent that she was not going to sit on my lap, but was instead going to wreak havoc on our discussion by running from sister to sister and distracting them with her adorable antics. We let her have a brief moment of such distraction, and then put her to bed. Afterwards we spent the rest of the night talking about the goals we each had for the New Year. What a treat it was to listen to each of their ideas. We've done this every year and have them write them down on a paper that they can display somewhere in their room in a place that they'll be reminded of what goals they chose for themselves. At another Monday night Family Home Evening about halfway through the year we review how we've done so far. They were so aware of their own areas that are in need of growth, as am I.



I may feel despondent, lost, confused, afraid, furious, resentful, alone, and without identity most of the time. But tonight there was just a moment of peace that hopefully will last within me for a little while. It came actually at the beginning of our Family Home Evening. One of our dear Home Teachers, Wyatt, is leaving for his mission in New Zealand a week from Wednesday, and is speaking in church this Sunday. Our Ward Music Coordinator has asked if the girls will sing that day in church, somewhat in honor of Wyatt. We spent the first part of our FHE practicing that song. I loved it! The girls were all sitting together without pinching, pushing, crying, finger pointing, and accusatory glares. Instead one of them had their arm around the other, another had her sister's head in her lap and was brushing her hair with her fingers. They were singing and loving it. I taught them some harmony for the very last notes of the song, and when they actually all hit the notes just right at the very end, all their eyes opened in awe. They felt so amazed with themselves and loved the way it sounded (it really was pretty good) that they just wanted to keep doing it over and over again. Now, I may walk around these days full of rage and in denial of the Spirit of God in my life. But when I heard those guileless voices singing all around me, there was no denying it in that moment. I love these little angelic voices.

Toothbrush Dilemma

I have a new barometer that measures how I'm doing with the loss of my baby. His toothbrush. No, I'm not doing anything weird, like using it! I've noticed a pattern with my moods and his toothbrush. Some days I go to brush my teeth and while I'm brushing I look down at his sitting in the holder, just looking back at me and I think to myself, "You know, I think I'm almost ready to throw that away...it doesn't really need to be there...". Those are my good days...the ones that I hardly notice any difference in my ability to think straight. And then there are the days that while I'm brushing, I look down and think, "Throwing that away is so permanent. How could I have even considered tossing that thing? I could never...". Those are the days that all my unanswered questions and bitter attitude get in the way of everything else.

I bring this all up because the actual porcelain-like toothbrush holder was knocked down and a huge chunk was broken off of it while Naki was still alive. I'm still using it. But I was at Target getting the new dishes and kitchen rags when I saw the bathroom section. Without thinking I picked up a new toothbrush holder. Now, it's just sitting in the Target bag I brought it home in because I'm unable to make a decision about what to do when I move the toothbrushes from the old holder to the new one. Do I keep it or toss it? I think I'll keep it, just to be safe. This is ridiculous! Who knew that my ability to make decisions about something as simple as a toothbrush would be compromised?

2010

Is it really already here? I am so freakin' glad to see it make it's appearance. I have hope that my life will some day find me in a happier state than I am now. So my apologies if I sound depressing or despondent. But a new year means one more year closer to the rest of my life. Not this earthly life, mind you. But my forever life afterwards.

New Year's Eve is a super fun time for us at the Maile house. I especially love this holiday because there are no games to plan, no presents to purchase, no costumes to prepare, overall no stress! Just getting together with those that mean the most to us and spending time ushering in the new year. When Naki and I got married and our kids grew a little older we decided to pass on the tradition that I had as a child for this holiday on to our girlies. And that is that each child gets to pick one treat to have at the New Year's Eve party, we play all night, eat all those goodies they picked out, and stay up until midnight so we can give smooches to each other at the very beginning of the new year. What better way to start out the new year than with loves. A couple of years ago we added the tradition to go and see a movie before the party. This year was no different. Only this year we were able to use the Movie gift certificate that some very generous people gave us for Christmas and went with m ost of our Maile fam... I just have to say, is there anything better than spending time with all of those guys? I crave time with them. They make me feel safe and comfortable at a time when not much else does. And the girls honestly feel any outing or activity just isn't complete without their cousins, uncles, aunties, and grandparents along for the ride. So thanks guys, for a great night. Oh! And we even used the kitchen for the very first time tonight...

I have so very many thoughts and feelings just swirling around in my head right now. They've been there all night, and I know I am too tired to make them sound like they make any sense. I have both positive and negative ones, but since we're starting a new year, I'll just say the positive one that stands out the most and shouts louder at me than any of the other ones tonight. God knew how difficult this entire experience would be for me, and so He left me in the capable, all encompassing, thoughtful, unselfish, kindhearted, and willing hands of the Maile family. Heaven knows where I'd be right now without them. I was born a Davis and hold that title and love for all my Davis clan proudly and gently, but tonight I want to express how much I feel honored to be a Maile. It is the greatest compliment every time I hear that name to know that I, too, am a Maile. Umas to all you Mailes out there...Happy New Year.

Lost and Found

The week Naki died I remember I was in the car with Line, on our way home from somewhere, and we were talking about Naki's death. During that conversation I used the words "When we lost your Dad..." when describing Naki dying. Before I even finished that sentence, I said to Li,



Mom: Hold on...that doesn't sound right. I didn't lose your Dad...he died. That word "lose" doesn't actually make sense when talking about this, does it?



Line: I know! It makes me think of if I put Dad down over there (motioning off to the side), and then went back to get him later and find him lost...I'd start to think to myself, Where did I put Dad? Did I put him over here, or over here, or over there? Where IS Dad?



We had a good laugh about that, since it's pretty difficult to imagine actually losing Big Naki anywhere, and haven't used that word since when talking about Naki dying. But I've recently had some experiences where I in fact DID lose not just one child, but two. Seriously. Does God realize exactly who he's left these precious children with? I just don't feel up to the job these days.



This past Saturday we were enjoying a loving evening at home. The girls had recently returned from playing at their dance teacher's house (a new favorite activity!), we were getting changed into pajamas, starting the baby's bath, playing video games, men were working in the kitchen, and I was on the phone with one of the girls' Uncles in Florida. After I'd hung up I realized that I hadn't seen Malia since I'd been on the phone and asked the girls who were close by if they'd seen her lately. No one had, but that's not unusual. We don't live in a huge house by any standard, but the way it's designed the basement, the upstairs, and then the addition are in such a way that you are completely cut off from each level when on any of the other ones. You can't see or hear most anything that's going on. So I set off to run upstairs and just check to see what she'd been up to. Imagine my surprise when I didn't find her up there. I came back downstairs and rechecked downstairs...no Malia. Back up I went. By this point, I was alarmed.



I admit it doesn't take much to get me there, though. That is one of the Mourner's Bill of Rights. I don't have the paper handy, but to sum it up in official mourning language, it states that as a mourner I hold the right to pretty much freak out whenever I deem necessary. It is completely common and normal for a mourner to expect the worst. Some might call it waiting for the other shoe to drop. In other words, now that such a horrible and unexpected event occurred in my life I see all future occurances in a new light...I now live in a state of fear, waiting from crummy moment to crummy moment, knowing that surely any minute I'm about to experience another unexpected horrible event. Don't get too comfortable in any sort of peace or happiness...something terrible will just happen to ruin everything. This experience validated all of those feelings.



I now started opening doors and looking in closets. All the way back downstairs. By now the girls could tell that something wasn't right. I don't know what gave it away. Who would think anything was wrong by just looking at my pale face, sweat starting to bead across my upper lip, shaking hands, loud name hollering every 2 seconds? I'd never be any good at a game of poker. I have no game face, as hard as I try. By now Auntie Ginny who was here for the holiday had put on her coat and took off outside and started looking around the backyard, the shed, and up and down the streets. I'd told all the girls to sit in one spot so that I didn't end up looking for one of them as well, and grabbed the phone and dialed 911. "Could this really be happening? Am I seriously dialing 911 AGAIN?", I thought. But I couldn't see any alternative. Before Ginny was outside I'd run outside myself. I'd noticed that all the doors were locked from the inside, something she couldn't have managed with these particular locks if she'd gone out those doors. I was so confused. Again, I am running through all the rooms, starting to fear the worst. After experiencing the death of a loved one I've decided that it's my trial of choice when it comes to loved ones...I would much rather see them just die and be finished than know that something awful and terrible has happened to them that they have to live through. Especially the girlies...and I'm talking terrible terrible things that can happen to girlies...abductions, rape, any kind of torture, you name it. My apologies for being so frank, but death has done that to me. It's removed my layer of subtlety and indirectness and replaced it with abrasiveness and sharpness. And so it's with an amount of embarrassment that I admit that at this point, since I couldn't find her and I was pretty positive she hadn't left, I started to suspect foul play by the men working in my kitchen. What do I know of them? I didn't know them from Adam, and they could have easily manuevered something right under my nose and I would never have known it. I'm aware I sound paranoid, but when you've been searching for your child unsuccessfully for as long as I had been, and you've already experienced a devastatingly life changing event, you expect the worst.



Thank you to the sweet responders from Orem City, some of whom were here responding to my other 911 call the night of October 16th. Let me tell you, I don't think I'm a bad parent. But when they asked me how long it had been since I'd last seen her, and I had to admit that it'd been about 45 minutes, I sure felt like one. I know realistically that no family sits in the same room with each other every minute of every day, but at that moment I felt like I should have had all of them within my sight so that I could say...well, I don't know what I'd say. But at least I wouldn't have had to say anything since I'd never lost her in the first place! They did a thorough sweep of the whole house, and found her, asleep, listening to her ipod christmas present, curled in a ball under baby Ane's crib. Thus, her inability to hear us screaming her name over and over for almost an hour. Yes...I'm also embarrassed to admit that on one of my first sweeps before I started panicking that I swept my foot under the crib but felt the pillow that we always keep under there, and moved on. Like I said before, who deemed me qualified for this job anyway? And I want to know if anyone's accepting resignations?



I did not order any repeats of that awful experience, but oh-so-lucky-me got one tonight. My 3 big girls were at their family's house for dinner and a late-over, so I decided that Eli and I would have some special time together while they were gone. I first got Ane to bed, and then Eli and Eva and I watched a movie. After some amazing dancing and rocking out to High School Musical on the Wii, I put Eva to bed. Eli and I then started making a treat for our New Year's Eve party tomorrow night in our current kitchen, otherwise known as the laundry room. (The kitchen is SOOO close to being completed...any day.) In our lovely bomb-shell-style room the laundry machines were both going and the furnace had kicked on, so I was quite surprised when I could make out some clunking and kind of non-descript sounds over all that noice. Again...never play me in poker. Eli knew I had concerns immediately by my face. I told her to stay put, I was just going to check and make sure Eva wasn't kicking down her door...or something along those lines. See? I at least attempted to make light of everything when my heart was pounding out of my chest.



Recently I tried to describe to my sister one of my not-so-favorite new emotions/thoughts that I've started feeling since Naki's died. I have a very very real fear of getting mugged, robbed, beat up, and overall just being taken advantage of. I've always set my purse in the cart when I'm shopping...now I'm constantly checking to see if anyone's gonna grab it when I'm not looking. When I walk to my car from the gym and I'm by myself I do a parameter scan and I don't unlock the door until right before I get in and then immediately lock it as I'm pulling it shut. At night every little sound makes me catch my breath. Now here's the thing that's so silly about all of that. In all of those scenarios, (I didn't even list them all because you'd REALLY think I'd lost it) I'm not doing anything different, going anywhere different, than I did when Naki was alive. I went to the gym alone every time. I put my purse in the cart in every store. Since we were married I've spent more time at night alone than with him home. The difference is that I feel the unwanted and unwelcome presence in my life of vulnerability that I've never before felt. He couldn't have changed the outcome of any of the things I'm now fearful of if he were alive. I think it's the combination of having him die and not being able to control it, being vulnerable to it, and then just not having such a protector presence in my life anymore that brings these frightful and fearful feelings front and center in me. I hate them. I hate the way it feels. I've never before felt it, and I pray it leaves SOON. No one can fix it. I have to wait this out, just like all the other crappy feelings I'm waiting out, and pray that they dissolve into a distant memory someday. However, I don't know when, but I would definitely like to take some self defense classes, and then teach those things to the girls so they can be empowered with that information as well.



Eli, of course, did not stay put where I told her to, as I quickly walked upstairs to just make sure Eva was behaving. Imagine my surprise to find her bed empty, and her no where to be found. I was pretty alarmed because all the house lights were turned off...all of them, except for where Eli and I had been, and she's scared of the dark. But I searched the entire house for Eva anyway. Up and down, up and down, up and down, hollering her name the entire time. In closets, showers, under beds, in the garage, in the car, in cupboards, in all the rooms,out the front and back door (no footprints in the snow, so I knew she HAD to be in the house...) Yes, I felt the urge to almost call 911 again. If I were to have called I can just imagine them rolling their eyes when they find out who the caller is. But I learned from losing Malia that I better search my bestest bestest before I end up looking like an incompetent idiot. I searched the house about 4 times, you guys...that little girl is sneaky. I finally realized she kept moving hiding spots, because I could hear her. When I was in the garage I finally heard movement above me in the addition part of the house. By the time I came in and ran up there, she wasn't there anymore. After this happening a couple of times I figured out that if I stood still enough and stopped breathing so heavily I could actually hear her stealthy 3 year old-style combat maneuvers. At round 4 of the house sweeps I told Eli to stay put on one of the big chairs sitting at an angle in the basement so I'd at least know where she was. I then made my way back up to my room back up in the addition, held still, and realized that I could make out Eli talking to someone. I rushed back down to see her on her knees, leaning over the back of her assigned chair, telling Eva that she was in BIG trouble. Yup...she was crouched down behind that chair with her blanket. I can just see her joyriding out of bed at first, not thinking too much about it. But after she heard me searching, I can just picture her doing her best not to get caught, hiding anywhere she could in the amount of time she had.

Seriously...resignations?