Monday, January 18, 2010
Different, Not Better
I'm reading a book about children and their greiving. I can't locate it at the moment, but something it said has stuck with me now for a couple of weeks. It was talking about the dangers of filling the void that whatever loss we're experiencing has brought into our lives. It stated quite simply that when we try to fill those voids it has the potential to make us feel different, not better. I have thought and thought on those two words...different and better. I know for sure that I have yet to feel "better", and quite frankly that seems an impossibility at any point in my mortal life. But I can see things I've been doing, thinking, or saying that make me feel different. Let's just say that I probably don't need to buy another pair of boots this winter season...they've done their duty in helping me feel different enough...*gulp* It can be a dangerous journey, trying to fill that never ending void. Naki and I used to watch a show together called "Intervention", about people addicted to various substances or behaviors who were experiencing an intervention orchestrated by those who loved them. Almost always those addicted were trying to feel different, and it never ended up feeling better. I try often to analyze myself to see which category the choices I make and actions I take fall under. Obviously, since I have yet to feel better, there are many things these days that make me feel different. My conscience limits my choices, since I refuse to take up drugs, sex, alcohol, pornography, serious shopping, serious eating, or any other difficult vices. But I have been known to watch late night movies which help me zombie out, play mindless games on my phone, read the world news over and over on the internet, watch the kids play games, get my nails done, get a pedicure, etc. I'm currently trying to figure out why when I feel sad, overwhelmed, empty, discouraged, outraged, or like escaping the impossible (my life) I reach for the leftover pizza, the icecream, the juice, and yes, the chocolate raisins, instead of doing 10 push ups or situps, or maybe even drink a tall glass of water? Or even better, pray and read my scriptures more? I think I've discovered that feeling bitter, angry, unsettled, and confused is something that I feel entitled to experiencing, and want to remain here feeling outraged and disenchanted with my life. Finding peace and serenity seems to be letting those at large a bit off the hook. I always thought the kids got their stubborn streak from their Dad, but that theory may need a bit revamping.
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I'm so grateful for your ability to verbalize (or literize? Is that a word?) your feelings and this process you are going through. What you say makes perfect sense. A wise woman once said, "I have a few choice words to say about this situation".
ReplyDeletePS, if you were to race to do push ups or sit ups when you feel sad, overwhelmed, empty, discouraged, outraged, or escapist, you would be weird. Totally weird. ;) I would be desperately impressed, but you'd still be weird.
Love the new picture on your sidebar of your man and Line!
Here's to no sick kiddos!! I know that your gym time, although difficult, really gives you an outlet that's irreplaceable. And allows for chocolate raisins! (and Christmas Crunch by the bowl full) You can do it, just one tiny moment at a time.
ReplyDeleteI know sometimes different can also be better. I love your blog, it's so real and not pretend like I see some blogs where everything is too perfect, life is not perfect. I know things are different for you at the moment but to be a bit selfish here, your blog makes me go about my day feeling better and wanting to be better. Keep on being strong until different becomes better, we're praying for that day to come your way, and we know it will, when the time is right.
ReplyDeleteThank you Abby for your frankness. There are many who struggle with a similar fate as yours and you are giving them a voice ----- while helping us all understand what it is like to experience such a difficult situation. I really feel like I understand some of those who are closest to me who have picked up "new" habits since their spouse has passed. Now I feel like I can support better....
ReplyDeleteAbby - I'm sure you don't remember me but I was at Wilson Diamonds the day you brought Naki's ring to be refinished. I've been hooked on your blog ever since. Your sweet girls have such an amazing mom. Thank you for the example you are to me. Your strength really is inspiring. You and your sweet six are in my prayers constantly!
ReplyDeleteYour anger won't last forever but while it is still here, do the things that make you feel different. Eat all the chocolate covered raisins you want and lean on those around you that love you so you can go to the gym, get a pedicure, go to the temple and do whatever you need to help you through this. You are strong and you will make it, even if this life is different than the one you planned. Someday it will get better.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you want an explanation about why you reach for leftover pizza or chocolate covered raisins. Perhaps it's because you KNOW what they'll taste like and you're longing for something familiar to you - wanting to feel some sort of normalcy. You have a great support of family and friends. You'll figure things out - you'll be guided to do what's right. You've been receiving quite a few quotes by various GA's to help you.
ReplyDeleteI personally don't know what's wrong with feeling different sometimes as long as it's not destructive. Isn't it better than feeling crappy all the time?
ReplyDeleteHere's a News Flash...you are tenacious to the core. This wonderful character definition of yours will encourage you forward, empower you to "in the now" feel every moment, explore each frustration, and to examine each "different" to see if it is the glimmer of a "better" to the zenith!! Press on, sweet daughter, press on in your own tancious way!! Love, mom/gma
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