Water works and Water proofed

Usually words just seem to flow from the tips of my fingers when I sit and write in here. But I have so many different and not neccesarily linked thoughts that I'm having difficulty thinking of how to start. So, I'll start with something completely unrelated to the traumatic events of the last couple of weeks. My dad cleaned out Naki's car for me and put all of the things that weren't garbage or dirty tupperware containers (so THAT'S where they disappeared too! Thanks a lot, Babe.) into a box for me to sort through when I was ready. I found in there all of the CDs he'd burned, including one I remember him burning the week he died. It has been such a treat to listen to those songs. They're not his typical compilation of songs. He tended to burn CD's by the style of the music. One for Reggae, one Country, one Hip Hop, one Sunday, etc etc. This one is a little bit of all of them, his very own "mix tape" for me to enjoy. It has shocked me as I've noticed some of the messages that I've gleaned from each song, and can't figure out why he picked some of the ones that he did. One of the girls' favorites on there is a Michael Jackson song. Our girls can not get enough of his music. After the song finished, I overheard Eli ask Malia if that song was sung by the white Michael Jackson or the black Michael Jackson...so confusing! It made me giggle.

Later today while Line was at dance class I drove the rest of the girlies over to Costco to fill up on gas. Some country song started playing from the CD called, I think, "I loved her first". The song is written from a Dad's point of view as his daughter is getting married, and let's just say I didn't stay composed for long. There was so much chaos going on behind me as I drove that I was surprised to hear Eli say as I pulled to a stop at the pump, "It's okay to miss Dad, Mom." I quickly turned to her, told her that I knew that was true, and then asked her why she told me that. She responded that she'd seen me crying. I asked her how did she see me since I was driving, and she told me that she'd seen me in the mirror, the rear view mirror. Lose chimed in and said she'd also seen me crying in the mirror, and then explained to Eli that I was crying because of the song. So smart and so paying attention to me even when I don't realize it. I feel so strongly the responsibility of being an example to them of what it means to be a eternal spirit in a non-eternal world. They watch so very much when I'm unaware. Ironically, they don't watch much when I actually wish they would! Ahhh, parenthood. Tonight I was trying to give each of the girlies special time. Line had especially requested it and so I tried to schedule bedtime so that I could start from the youngest and work my way from bed to bed, talking to them about their day, and giving them an opportunity to speak to me with no one else around to interrupt. I made my way to Line, "finally!", (her words) and laid with her and just talked about all that goes on in that guilt-ladden head of hers. I tried to be the best listener and non-judger to all she said while at the same time trying to listen intently to any and all promptings that Heavenly Father might send my way to help comfort her. After she was done unloading her stresses and worries on me, I paused to gather and collect my responses, prayed for strength, and proceeded to have a special one on one talk with her. Imagine my surprise when after my last sentence, she looks away and sheepishly asks me, "Mom, do you ever zone out?". I responded, "You mean, when your Mom is talking to you?" to which to said, "Yeah...how did you know?" Seriously...you never know when they're listening. When you want them to they don't, and when you don't want them to they do. Aaaargh.

I think I may have mentioned it in an earlier post, but I've been shocked that out of all the days of the week Sundays have so far been the hardest for me emotionally. I find it ironic that Sunday is also the day that I see the most people, thus, I imagine I seem to many like a train wreck. Who wouldn't after losing their husband and best friend, but still, I do have good days, or I should say more accurately, good moments. Sunday as a whole just is not one of them. I imagine that will remain so for some time. I believe that is because Sunday was the one day out of the entire week that no matter what, we saw our Dad and he was ours for the day. He worked so hard for us that on some days he would leave at 6 in the morning and come home at 11 at night. That was just the way he was. He didn't care if he was exhausted, he would do it because he knew we needed it. It was either his hard work ethic or maybe the fact that I did the budget and was a terrible nag...either way he's a saint in my book. He also loved being with the baby during all 3 hours and would make sure I had the opportunity to have some kind of spiritual recharging for the upcoming week. Plus he would gather the kids after Primary was over so that they weren't running around the church building and we weren't left trying to gather them up to go home...I've always said it often feels like herding mice. They scatter and scurry everywhere, and never where you actually want them to go. So, I definitely need a better system for Sundays. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go.

As a result of my emotional instability on Sundays I feel especially weepy. This past Sunday I could feel Lose's eyes on me as I just could not manage to control the tears streaming down my cheeks. She'd keep leaning over to me and say, "Mom, you're crying." I'd try and reassure her that crying is just fine. She'd leave me alone momentarily and then would lean over again and comment on my water works to which I'd try again to reassure her that when you miss someone like I miss Dad, it's okay to cry. This happened several times but she was never able to leave me alone about it. Finally, she leaned over and said, "But Mom, crying is going to make your makeup all mushy and gushy!" So sweet, her concern for the state of my appearance...either she was concerned or she feared a bit of embarrassment when others saw black streaks running down my face. I leaned over to her and whispered that she didn't need to worry, I was wearing the waterproof mascara that my sister had bought me. She was so relieved, and it gave me something to laugh about when I really didn't feel like laughing. Aren't kids the greatest at doing that for us?

Over the past couple of days I've been enjoying the freedom of making a simple shopping list that just includes little things like scissors, light bulbs, fish food, a stapler, and corn starch to name a few, and being able to go to the store and buy them without first having to check when what bills need to go out on what days of the month, or first checking how much gas is in the car to know when I'll possibly need to get more, or checking how much milk and bread we have to make sure that I have the money for the things we need before we get something extra like a stapler. That's been our life ever since I can remember. But since Naki's died, combining all of our dear friends' contributions and also with my parents amazing efforts at trying to make things around here "mainstreamed", as my Dad says, so that all I have to worry about are these precious babies of mine, I got to go to the store and buy new pillows and pillowcases for everyone. Such a treat! They were all so excited to have fluffy pillows. It was cute to see them standing there in the isle of pillows and reading the packaging. Some pillows are apparently made for side sleepers, some for back sleepers, and even some for stomach sleepers. See how out of the loop we are in the pillow market? It filled me to see them happy about something as simple as sharing with each other how they all slept, and hearing them make cute little comments about how they start in one position and then change to another. I love hearing them talk about inconsequential things or every day things for once instead of all of this serious and sometimes heavy stuff like death.

After our run in with the puking bug this past week I decided to invest in some waterproof pillow protectors as well. After Family Home Evening last night I had all the girls run to their beds and bring back their old pillow. We tossed those and opened all the new ones. When we pulled the pillow protectors out of their store packaging we discovered that they actually go over the pillow and then zip up...I wasn't expecting this. So we zipped away and then put on all the pillow cases. I sent them all to bed and was surprised to find them all having the same hilarious experience with their new pillow. Apparently by zipping up the protector completely it eliminates the opportunity for air to escape the pillow when you put your head on it, thus making it pretty much like an air mattress. They figured out that you could go from a sitting up position, back to a reclined position, and bounce back up to a sitting position pretty fast. It was so comical... Tonight Eva actually stood on her bed and said to me, "Swim, Mom, Swim!", put her hands above her head like she was going to dive into a swimming pool, and dove onto her pillow. She promptly bounced right back up. Don't worry...my girls are not all bouncing around in their sleep. I figured out that I just needed to open the zipper a little bit to give the air an opening to escape from when they put their heads on the pillow. A bit of comic relief. Just what we needed.

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. Well, that's not actually very accurate. I've "learned" this lesson many times before, so I guess that I actually relearned a valuable lesson. I go to the gym in the morning after I drop the babies off at Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house and the big girls off at school and get home around 9:30 to 10:00. It seems there is always something that I have to be doing. I don't mean that I want to be doing, but that I HAVE to be doing. It usually involves the kids. They want me, and so me they get. Of all days to not take a shower, yesterday was the worst. I swear at least 5 families came by, I needed to make a Walmart trip, we went to the Cemetary to get some monument ideas and ran into the guy I met with to buy the plot, and the list goes on and on. It was mortifying to me to have to be around all those wonderful people and give hugs and such while I was so stinky and gross, and again, looked like a train wreck. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not one of those women who feels like she has to apply lipstick as soon as she's done eating a meal. But I would like to think that I could get at least a shower in there somewhere. The irony of it is that those days never seem to happen on the days when I did get a shower. I get all gussied up and then no one makes any appearances. What's with that? How does the universe know when to send people my way when I haven't showered? Well, I've decided that I'm not above using it to prey on people's sympathies..."Oh, just look at that poor unshowered widow...we must, just absolutely must do anything we can to save her from herself!" Just kidding. No one has actually said that TO me, although I swear some have thought it, and I have been so touched by all of Naki's and my dear friends amazing and overly generous offerings that I would never abuse it. I complained loudly about my unshowered experience to my parents and as a result they both, one here and one in Idaho, kept asking me throughout the day, "Have you showered?". Oh, for everyone to be loved and cared for the way I feel loved and cared for.