Lightning Bugs

Jackie is seriously the sweetest person ever. She is continually serving others, thinking never of herself, and constantly of others. I would do well to emulate her kindness and easy way with those around her. She says she used to think she was boring, non-witty, and unexciting. Although she might have defined herself with those terms in the past, I can say that to us she is, in every moment, providing easy ways to enjoy being in her company just by being calm, soothing, teasing, humorous, creative, and available to everyone around her not only physically but emotionally as well. We are in heaven in her home, because she makes her home heavenly just by being in it.

Friday night she made a nummy dinner for us to take to the library for an outdoor concert they were having. As we sat listening and eating, some dark clouds rolled in, threatening rain and a good storm. It never came. Instead we lucked out with a cool breeze and a visual treat for the eyes that were so common to me as a child I'd forgotten just how much I've missed seeing them...lightening bugs. I hadn't realized that the girls had never actually seen one in person! I felt just like a child, running around trying to capture one for them to hold. By the time the concert had finished, the clouds had passed and the sun had made it impossible to see their lights anymore, but we knew they and their magic were still out there. I hope to see them again soon.






Here is a video of the girls catching one. I've been using my phone as a camera and a video camera, and I keep forgetting that I have to hold the camera a certain way or it ends up being sideways...

Ohio

During the past school year, somewhere around November, I really got the itch to travel to Ohio to see my sister Jackie, her husband Russell, and their kiddos L'il Russell, Trey, Keyan, and Halle. I brushed it off as impossible, and lived with the dream in my heart. Christmas time came, and truthfully, all I wanted to do was pack up and get to Ohio for our two weeks off. Again, the dream of it stayed in my heart. After several experiences where I kept pushing away the impossible, it occurred to me that perhaps, just perhaps, there was a reason that I kept receiving the same idea over and over. And that no matter how hard I tried to write it off as an inappropriate use of my ever dwindling funds, it was something I could no longer ignore. With this new shift in my frame of mind, I started to be prayerful about making such a trip...when the appropriate time to do so would be, what the budget for it should be, and trying to make sure that such a trip was not just a whim of mine, but that I was actually following a heavenly prompting. Finally, in April when we escaped the grindstone of life for Moab during Spring Break, I had several experiences that let me know for certain that the trip was supposed to happen.

I know that one of the reasons I feel so drawn to Ohio is not only because of the location itself...it's the people who are here. There is such a spiritual connection between Naki and Russell. Those two guys have such a great relationship with one another. It's a hard thing to describe. But I can't count the number of times when Naki would be super late coming home at night because he and Russell had stayed after a game of basketball talking until the early hours of the morning. Their personalities, spouses, children, goals, etc. mirror each other so very much, and even more so their spiritual capacities are equally matched so that they understand each other without any effort. Then as I get older I realize how much I relate and agree with my sister Jackie...her likes are my likes, her dislikes are the same as my dislikes, and her comforts are mine as well. It is easily stated by just saying that I feel absolutely comfortable being where she is, without making any effort to do so, which doesn't happen very often for me. Sisters are just the very best. So at the end of April my sister in law helped me shop and find a great steal on plane tickets, and just like that the dream trip was a reality. We have been skypeing with the Leggs quite often, and have been anticipating the end of the month of July when we would actually get to be inside their house, playing with them, instead of just talking to them delayed through the computer. And now we're actually here!

I was slightly concerned for our flights, since it was to be me flying by myself with my 6 kiddos plus one of theirs, Little Russell. He had been in Idaho with Line and Malia the week before our trip to Ohio at my parents yearly Grandparent Retreat. I could say that I worried for nothing because flying was easy, or I could more wisely say that we had many blessings along the way that made the trip one of the smoothest in my flying experience. Seriously. It all worked out so perfectly. All the kids worked so well with each other, with not a single argument! Not one! Who can say that about any trip, ever? A big thank you to my friends, who drove their car up to the airport with us so that there were two drivers to bring back my car and theirs. Then, all the wrinkles with the seat assignments were flawlessly ironed out, so that children were not sitting by themselves anywhere in the plane. Then, check in was seamless, and all the kids carried their own carryons throughout the airport without a single complaint. We even met family on the way in the airport, making for a nice quick visit while we waited briefly for boarding. In Denver we had only 12 minutes to make our connecting flight, and you should of seen us dashing through the airport, desperate to make it on time, which we did. Then for the next three hours and some on that flight, I am shocked to say that we had not a single problem keeping 7 kiddos calm and happy. I'm astonished every time I think of it. We were met at the airport by the Legg family with their car plus our rental, and we headed for our temporary home for the next two weeks.

I SHOULD add, that I did have a close call with my cell phone. I tend to tuck it in between my left bra strap and my shoulder whenever I'm not using it. Eva, Boo, and I were making a trip to the airplane bathroom on our last flight. Anyone who has ever used it knows those things are a tight fit for even one person, let alone one and two littles. Ane had just finished and I was leaning over to help her pull her pants up, when Eva reached over and pushed the super turbo flush. At the same exact time my phone ever so gently slipppped from its safe spot, aiming right for the toilet black hole and was about to land in the fastest suction headed for no mans land, when I miraculously reached out and caught it mid-fall. Only Naki knows what a true miracle that is, since I can't even catch the remote control he would toss to me across the couch. I decided to tuck it safely into my purse after that.

I love how everyone gets along effortlessly, no squabbles, no fuss. It feels so right being all together. I miss having them closer. (They live out here for Russell's Medical Schooling. He's currently in his last year...)

I have a couple of things that I've written down on my phone so that I would remember to journal them here. Little Russell was flying back with us after having been away from home from over a month. He'd flown out to Idaho with his family for our Family Reunion, and when his parents and siblings left for home he stayed in Idaho so that he could attend his first grandparent retreat a month later. As a result, it had been quite some time since he'd seen his parents. As we were descending, I could hear him sitting right behind me, face pushed up against the window, whispering under his breath, "Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...". It was so sweet.

Also on the plane, I overheard a conversation he was having with Lose. He said, "Lose...If your Dad and Jimmer were playing a game of basketball, who do you think would win?" Lose chuckled, and said knowingly..."Jimmer would", to which Russell said with complete belief, "Oh IIIII don't know...Your Dad's pretty good..." I know Naki loves that for sure. :) I hear they still imitate one of his specialty sweet shots at church basketball every time they play.

We were driving to the store on Wednesday and we passed by a field that had a group of cows all huddled under one tree. I pointed it out to the kiddos in my car and asked them why they thought all the cows were huddled in the same spot. One of the them intelligently answered that they were all there for the shade, since it was the only tree around. I was about to agree with them, since that was the same conclusion I had come to, but before I could, Eli said, "Orrrrrr, one cow is in the middle having a baby and they're all watching..." Okaaay. If you say so.

After the store we headed over to a close park for some dinner and playtime. After playing and sweating up a storm in the humidity, we piled back in our cars to head out for some ice cream. I looked in my rear view mirror at all those sweet faces, flushed and dripping sweat, and said "Did you guys have fun? Did you play hard?" And Eli replied, "Yes! I'm actually sweating like a pig." And Eva chimed in, "I'm sweating like a really really hot hot pig!"

Here's an irony for you. We have been meaning to get together for months back in Utah with our dear dear friends the Herrings. Isaac and Naki played football together, and the girls believe he is their blood uncle somehow. And Erin his wife and I go way back to those same playing days, getting together once a week with those big crazy o-lineman for pizza. As I was packing I got a text from Erin checking in with us, wouldn't you know, from Ohio. Yup. They're here, while Isaac works here for the summer. And not only are they HERE, they're like 13 minutes away from Russell and Jackie's house, with a swimming pool in their backyard. So yesterday we got to go have a nummy breakfast together and play in the water for a couple of hours, which is my favorite place to be in the summer.

One strange phenomenon that will forever live in my brain as a result of watching someone die is the ability to see potential death everywhere. It's something that is in my head constantly, that would be hard to explain to others. It never goes away. It is an altered way of seeing things that are alive. Before watching Naki die, I knew that death was real. I knew that bad things do happen that eliminate life and I also knew that death was inevitable. But it had never truly touched my experiences, and so I was able to go through my days living with a fairytale-like knowledge of it. But after having actually watched death happen, I now will find myself in situations and actually visualize what that moment would be like, altered by death. As an example. While we were on the airplane the pilot came out and was talking to one of the flight attendants. I'm assuming there was a second pilot in there taking care of business. But as I sat there watching him chat it up, I actually created a scenario of what the future would look like with our plane crashing, taking all of us plus my nephew, forever altering people's lives because of it. Or yesterday as I was driving on the freeway following my sister's car, a semi truck moved over a lane to be right beside my sister's car, which held some of her kids and some of mine. I found my mind envisioning that semi falling over right onto the van, completely obliterating my family. This creating these death scenarios is not something my mind does for pleasure. It freaks me out every time. I snap out of those moments, frustrated that my mind wandered there yet again. I read in one book that some people refer to it as always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's as if after experiencing something so tragic and traumatic in your life, that you walk around waiting for the rest of your life to be touched with even more tragedy and trauma. Of course I pray that it does not. But I no longer am able to live in oblivion of the potential for heartache.

I have many pics I'm taking on my phone, but I didn't bring my computer with me so I would have to put them on Jackie's computer in order to get them on here. We'll see what I can do. There are some really cute ones.

I hate how bugs find their way into my home. I mean, I get that we built on their homes and all that. But still. I hate thinking that despite cement, wood, drywall, etc, they STILL find their way through little cracks somewhere. It makes me feel vulnerable.

Anyway. Boo was supposed to be sleeping for her nap, and instead was playing with her dollhouse toys. After an alarming screech coming from her room, Eli ran upstairs to tell me that there was an "ear-wax" in Ane's bed. Huh? I was somewhat confused, until I saw that the said bug was an earwig. Got it. Hard to scold them for not laying down for their naps when they say such cute stuff that causes uncontrollable smiles on my part.

Writing my feelings and thoughts on my blog has been such an essential part of my healing process. I have done myself a disservice by not writing over the past couple of months. I HAVE journaled, about the girls, but I haven't used this space as a place to sort out my thoughts as I had before. As a result, I have been emotionally stuck. I chose purposefully to not write. I find myself thinking and feeling things that are so foreign and unfamiliar that I didn't want to write about them where everyone could read them. Many of you are supportive and nonjudgemental. But I know a teeny tiny percentage of you that just aren't. That's okay...everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But as a result I chose to hide my feelings in order to make my life "easier". Hah. What a joke. This summer has been so incredibly difficult, and I need to write some things out. I have not decided as of yet if I will write them here for all to read, or if I will write them in a private blog on an invitation only basis, or if I will just keep a computer journal where no one will read what I write. Not sure what the right thing to do is. I only know that if I can find the time to do it, I should. It helps me.

For the past week we've been minus our two eldest, Line and Malia. They've been spending the week in Northern Idaho with my parents at their yearly grandparent retreat. Once a grandchild turns 8 they are eligible to go. I figured out that in about 6 years I can book myself a week cruise, or a trip anywhere I want to go, since all of the girlies will be there for a whole week. Woo-Hoo! Time to fill up my passport. I was just telling a friend of mine last night how much I have this insane craving to fill up my passport. I guess I actually have to own one first. Any suggestions where my first stamp should be to? And this trip is open to others who want to travel with me...just no couples. Sorry all my friends who have a second half. I just don't think I could do a trip that Naki and I always talked about taking surrounded by people in love. Nope. Not happening.

What a fun week we've had, my four littles and I. It's such a shock to realize that as your children age the dynamic of your family is shifting and changing. For now it seems so permanent to have Line and Malia here to rely on and to enjoy. They are such amazing girlies. But in their absence, as they did last year, Lose and Eli have truly risen to the occasion and have shown their own potential for responsibility, nurturing, and buddy potential for mom. Some day that's how it will be! Crazy to think about. I also was able to discover where a major source of my everyday chaos comes from. Yes. It's from them. They are constantly wrestling, shoving, teasing, taunting, and pushing each other over their limits. But they're giggling the entire time. They are so sweet together, and have been so good to Eva and Ane. They've read to them, helped them bathe, assisted them in rinsing their dishes and loading them in the dishwasher, oh! And they've even been in charge of breakfast and cleanup, with little to no problems. On top of all that they've had to divide Line's and Malia's chores up and add them to the ones they already have responsibility for. And they have not complained about it, not even once. Eli came to me this morning and said, with her head hung down, "Mom? I'm afraid I have to tell you something..." "I actually miss being sassed by my big sisters! I can't wait for them to come home." Time apart is good...it helps us remember why we want to be together.

One of the downsides about my process of grief is that I have subconsciously taught my brain to be even more forgetful. Let me explain.

If I were to have let my brain take in all the details of my every day life, I would have never ever survived. It would have been overwhelming emotionally. And so, I would select the things I needed to know that were essential for me to survive for that day, and that day only. As a result, my brain is incredibly forgetful. I hate it! A sister in my ward asked me to play the piano for her today. A beautiful song. I got the girlies up early, took them over to the pool because we're cleaning it and opening it for our friend this weekend, brought them back and got everyone ready for church, practiced my song, and got to church with enough time to practice it in the chapel. My home teacher and Bishop's counselor came to me and said they didn't have a musical number on the program for today, and that it was most likely for Relief Society. Duh. It was. She'd even told me that, but I hadn't remembered. I'd spent the entire time she was talking trying to tell myself to remember that I was playing for her at all, let alone remembering for what meeting. Ahhh...the good ole days when I had my normal levels of forgetfulness.

My ultimate favorite part of the day was during Relief Society. The teacher had asked a couple of different sisters to share some thoughts about how specific principles of the gospel had helped them feel closer to the Savior. She had asked Brenda Oldroyd, a sister in my ward that I adore, to share thoughts on service. Brenda suffered a stroke this past year, and has been on her own journey of recovery and discovery as a result. She inspires us all, as she sits at the doors of the chapel every Sunday in her wheelchair, welcoming everyone and uplifting us all. As she gently and softly spoke into a microphone telling us about how service has affected her, she proceeded to tell a story about one particular day. She spoke of how she had some headphones in and was bobbing her head listening to some music, when her son asked her who she was rocking out to, teasing her about her love for country music. She replied no, she was listening to the Maile girls sing a song. I started quietly sobbing in my chair. I remember the day our Relief Society President told us sisters that she was making a recording to take to Brenda in her recovery facility, and wanted to ask us sisters in Relief Society if we would think of something inspiring to put on there for her. I knew, just knew, that I needed to contribute. It was time to be a giver and not a receiver. I also knew, that there was no way I would be able to get through talking on the recording without breaking down. Things were still so fresh and so painful, there was no possible way I was capable of that. So I signed up, wondering what I would put on there. The Sunday our President came over to my house, I felt prompted to practice a primary song with the girls and have that be our contribution. Brenda has always loved hearing Naki and I sing, and I knew that it would be just the right thing. However. On that day, I was shot. I didn't have anything left to give, and I remember asking Heavenly Father to please, please help me do this for Brenda. Please help me to have what it took to give to someone when I felt so empty inside. I clearly remember all the girls, introducing themselves on the tape and that Ane would not stop talking throughout the entire thing. But we sang. And it was exactly the right thing. I cried and cried as she spoke of how it has helped her, and felt so grateful that God helped me complete His task for Brenda that day. I told her afterwards that we'll sing as many songs as she'd like, if she was interested, to which she said yes. Looks like we have a bit of recording to get busy doing.

Davis Family Reunion 2011

It seems I only used my camera on either one day or maybe two. So here are the pics I have from our reunion that was just held in Idaho in June. On this day I remember the water was quite chilly, so we life jacketed up and set out for a gorgeous scenic ride. Some of the kiddos took turns sitting on the back of the boat with Grandmother. I, however, did not do that...I had no desire whatsoever to have any of that freezing beautiful water touch even one of my toes. Here's Eva a Grandmother...
I love the wind blowing their hair...here's Boo, Grandmother, and Eva.

Crazy Malia.

I love this picture...Eli and Lo.

Grandmother and Line...

Grandfather giving Boo driving lessons...

Cutie Nathan, my sister Connie's son...

Paige, Connie's daughter, and Kaci, Kami's daughter...

Umm...Malia, how come you never stop making crazy faces every time I try to take your picture? :)

Elenoa Lose...

Sammy, my sister Candy's son...

Some serious driving was goin' on...

Grandfather was kind enough to give me his sweatshirt, and as a result he froze a bit while letting me try to stay warm.

Tori, Candy's daughter, Evaloni cutie pie, and Sammy, Candy's son...

Malia and Grandmother...

I love this picture of Eva. Makes me just want to snuggle her.

Kaci, Kami's daughter, painting Eli's nails while Line watches. Uncle Russell is in the background prepping the sand to bury some girlies.

Three giddy girls...Addie, Katie's daughter, Lose, and Malia...

Uncle Russell, starting the burying.

That's little Sammy, helping.

Paige jumped in as the burying was happening...

Malia, sporting her new sand leggings...

Halle, Jackie's daughter...

Ane Boo, showing me her mouth full of gummy bears...

Abby, Cassie's daughter, and Abby, lovin this sweetie. Have you ever seen anything cuter? She would willingly go into my arms any time I'd ask because she thought that I was a look-a-like of Auntie Ginny that lives with her. I was even called Auntie Ginny on more than one occasion accompanied by her running to me with open arms. Ask me if I care that she had no idea who I was...at least I got to hold and give loves to her.

Line, soaking up all the Halle time she could get.

Addie and Malia, mid dance move. They had a good time choreographing their own little dance.

Now, my Mom just might kill me for 1)taking this picture and 2)posting this picture. And Mom, I'll remove it if you want me to. But I'm so proud of having a mom in her 60s who can still strut her stuff in a bathing suit like my mom can. Just one more way that she sets the bar high for me. Woo-Hoo Grandmother!

Eli really could not get enough of her Uncle Russell. Here they are playing Book of Mormon Go Fish.

Sheldon, Kami's son, and Jacob, Connie's son, loving a game of football. There always seemed to be a game going with someone....

Paige, Kaci, and Line playing some volleyball.

Some more pics of Abby...

Lose and her long lost buddy, Li'l Russell...

Lose, Russell, and Nathan...

Malia, Addie, and Tori...

These little guys just crack me up. And make no mistake, they made these faces because they wanted to have their picture taken like that. I kept saying, 'okay guys, smile!' and every time I got some version of this. Starting at the bottom left, Harley, Lizzie's daughter, Emma, Katie's daughter, Blythe in the highchair, Cassie's daughter, Cooper, Cassie's son, and Abby, Cassie's daughter.

Ohmagosh...Eva was in HEAVEN with this goober. It was so funny to see her towering over Annie, but other than that they were equals in every way...adorable, clever, goofy, sweet, etc.

Malia, Kaci, and Eli...this was right before our family pic. Can't wait to see what that looks like.

Can't wait to see what everyone else's pics look like, since I didn't take nearly enough! Dad, Aunt Debbie, this is my official request for a copy somehow of all those magnificent pics you were always taking. Scottie, you too. Happy 2011 Fam Reunion.