My right eyelid is twitching and won't stop. Yesterday the twitching was in the muscle that works my left thumb. I'm trying my hardest to push through all this pain, but my body is showing me in small ways that it is still suffering. I'm extremely tired. I look around me and am surprised to still be able to see things, which must mean that my eyes are actually open instead of closed. I'm shocked because inside mentally and emotionally my eyes feel closed, or they feel the equivalent of what closing your eyes and checking out for a while would hope to feel like.
I can always tell when something is bubbling over the top inside of me because of the way I eat. If I'm able to continue to make health-conscious food choices, things are going pretty good for the moment. The minute that I eat an entire bag of those whopper eggs, or chips and dip, or cheescake, or chocolate raisins, or juice and crystal light, all one after the other all day, always with the option of anything else I can get my hands on thrown in there, it's a big heads up that I'm trying my darndest to cover something uncomfortable up. Today I'm just so tired of it all. I just want to have a day of carefree nothingness, if that even makes sense. More accurately, a day of my old life combined with a couple of things from my new awful life. I guess I'm actually saying that I want a day of a perfect life. No one ever gets that, I guess. Not if you really think and examine your life. Nothing here is PERFECT. There are perfect moments in all our imperfect lives. I won't experience any days like that for quite a long time...because they don't exist here on earth. Am I wrong? Am I even describing what I'm feeling in the words that will best draw a picture of my wish? I just want him back, and knowing that will never happen is still something I'm struggling to accept. I want to be like an ostrich...stick my head in the sand and not come out until it's all over, whenever that will be.
Today an odd thing happened. Lose and Eli asked me to take them by Naki's grave. None of the girls have ever asked me to do that before. The option is always open, and I've made plans for us as a family several times, but this was the first time that they asked me unprompted. It was short (the wind was blowing and it was freezing) and when they walked up there they jumped up and down on his grave several times yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!", as they would if they were playing with him on the floor. It was sweet. It was miserable. It was good.
Can I run away? I just want to run away. Lose almost did. Well, okay. I'm being dramatic when I phrase it that way. This little girl has always pushed her limits and my limits, all at the same time. Her biggest strength is also her biggest weakness. She consistently speaks and acts without thinking. It's such a gift because she is constantly lifting up people around her, making them feel better about themselves, without even realizing it. Today a mom at dance came into the observing room at the studio and asked which little girl was mine. I pointed Lose out and repeated her name a couple of times to the sweet mom. She then proceeded to tell me that her little girl didn't know any of the other girls in the class, and had been feeling awkward about it. Her mom then asked her, "Who is that little girl, the one who always yells out your name, and says goodbye to you?" It was Lose, of course. It would never occur to her to be self conscious and process through in her mind which girls to say goodbye or hello to, but to be friends with one and all. She sees no one's strengths as a reason for her to feel insecure, and thus acts and speaks without fear of rejection or offense to all the girls. She seems all of them as her friends. Such a gift.
However, last week when I was a couple of minutes late picking her up from dance, she got herself in so much trouble. I actually lost my voice yelling at her in the car on the way home...it helped a bit that I was already hoarse from my sinus/coughing thing. As I pulled up to the studio imagine my surprise to find her in someone else's car. They had asked her if her Mom was a couple minutes late picking her up from class, and did she need a ride home. If I didn't deserve it before, now I know I should receive the award for the Mother of the Year. Yup. I was in fact a couple of minutes late picking her up. But we have rules about that...if you do not spot Mom and the car as soon as you leave class, then you are to go right back inside, and wait for me to come and get you. She broke that rule...she stayed outside and was playing on the hill by the studio. Lucky for her and for me, the person's car she'd cozied herself into was a Mom from dance class that I actually do know, but it could have been much much much worse.
Let's be perfectly clear. We have few yet extrememly firm rules about how to keep yourself safe. We have reviewed such rules many many times. Lose could repeat them to me in her sleep. The problem lies in the fact that she either doesn't stop to apply the rule that she knows, or she does apply it and decides that she doesn't care about the particular rule for whatever situation it applies to, and decides that the rule didn't know about how much she'd want to do what it said she can't or shouldn't.
Does this scare anyone else besides me? Do you realize what kind of future I have ahead of me, all by myself, without Naki around to help?
Lose's found herself in other safety rule-breaking scenarios many a time, but this one took the cake. I've used the following tactics on her thus far:
1. Calm Talking, helping her retrace her steps to see where her choices could have gone differently.
2. Crying, as I explained how hurt I was that she disrespected herself and I with such disregard to our family rules.
3. Calm Talking, refer to #1.
4. Crying, telling her how scared I would be if ever something were to happen to her.
5. Calm Talking, refer to #1 and #3.
6. Punishments. These have taken a wide range in their level of creativity, but obviously they hold no significance for her, since she's blatantly told me that she would prefer being punished as long as she can first do what it was that would require breaking the safety rule.
7. Crying, refer to #2 and #4.
8. Spankings, my least favorite. This. Does. Nothing.
9. More Calm talking, refer to #s...oh, you get the picture already.
10. Finally, screaming and yelling at her on the way home from dance on the day of her offense. This resulted in her telling me that she was in fact the worst and stupidest child ever. Her self berating lasted so long, I will never do that method again. Besides, Ane's, Eva's, and Eli's eyes were all so big with shock to hear me screaming like that, and the need they felt to tiptoe around me from fear for the rest of the evening was awful.
So, as you can see, I'm kinda running out of options. I even asked the therapist about it, and he told me that he can see this part of her personality in her sessions, whatever that means. He also told me the fantastic news that in his experience, which is vast, that children like her almost always have to have an experience on their own that will help to reinforce the teaching that they're struggling learning. I would assume it's not usually a happy experience. Oh Joy. I am NOT looking forward to any of this. Seriously. I want to be an ostrich now more than ever.
At church on Sunday a dear friend of Lose's was in her personal and mental space. She was becoming frustrated with her situation, and instead of communicating with him to explain that she needed her own space, or that she was simply frustrated with him, she proceeded to threaten him. She convincingly told him that she knew some kid at the school where they both attend that would beat him up and then flush his head down the toilet. Where is the thinking before you speak in THAT conversation? Just like the other girls and some of their tendencies before Naki died, Lose's impulsiveness has been exacerbated beyond what I thought was possible. She had these difficulties before her Dad died, but they're now under the microscope, all enlarged and awkward in their appearance. Can anyone say "Grieving Child"? How can I help her? I've run out of ways that I can think of. I feel spent, and the girl is only 6 years old.
Someone please make my eyelid stop twitching. I'm going to bed.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Still Alive
Today is my birthday. I am 34. This surprisingly hasn't been all that difficult for me so far, but give me some time. I'll hit a rough patch about having my first birthday without Naki around to pinch me. But I'm grateful for the calm unemotional moments. Birthdays for he and I were pretty darn simple. We just wanted to feel special on our birthday, which for us didn't require any gifts but instead thoughtful acts of kindness and consideration that would make us feel either kingly or queenly, depending on whose day it was. And although I miss him terribly, I have felt queenly today, for sure. I love all of you who have tried so hard to love me today.
I just love this time of year. Last fall I planted a lilac bush, a different flowering shrub whose name I'm forgetting right now...plum something, a peach tree, a spring snow crabapple tree, two flowering hawthorn trees, a maple tree, and two entire perennial beds. I keep finding excuses to go out and make the rounds, checking on everybody to see whose sprouted what buds...some are cute and fuzzy, others and smooth and bright. I. Love. It. Something about seeing my plants grow fills me up. I've already fertilized, and can't wait to see all of them start their spring time show. Now, if I'd just remembered last fall that I had an entire bag of bulbs in my garage that I'd bought before Naki died, and then remembered to plant them, I'd get to enjoy those too. But, there's always this fall for planting and next spring for enjoying.
I think that's what I find so enjoyable about all this planting. The plants are alive. We are alive. There are many parallels to draw from the two and experiencing both of them. I'm a bit drowsy, and really want a nap on my birthday! So I won't go into deep comparisons right now, but I know from reading about my plants, knowing the care they require in order to reach their full capacity, and knowing that they will continue to live as long as I provide for their needs, that I find much of that similar to me. And similar to me even BEFORE Naki died, and all the more now that he's gone.
Death is imminent. We know better than we've ever known before that it is inevitable and essential to our progression beyond mortals into immortality. The other night at dinner the girls were discussing my upcoming birthday. Some of the girls were joking saying that I would probably reach 82 years old before I die. Fine by me, I said, mentally pleased with that figure since I myself have planned that I'd like to live no longer than 93 years of age...3 chunks of 2o years from the time Naki died. (I'm all about the planning...) I figured I could handle things better if I knew that time frame I was dealing with. If I die before that, SWEET! And if I make it past that, I'll be truly pissed. So when they mentioned 82, I was good with that number.
I started discussing with them the fact that we as a family have clearly learned that death is something we cannot work our way around. We cannot avoid it. It will happen to those we love no matter how much we will it not to. I told them that we were lucky to have each other to listen to and to learn from right now. We needed to not take anyone or any conversation for granted as we have learned that we never know how long we'll have those earthly opportunities. I told them that they needed to realize that someday Mom will die, too. And that it is essential that people learn what they can from their parents while they're still alive, if possible. Malia balked. Completely balked, at that concept. She succinctly told me that if I died, she'd climb to the tallest place possible and hang herself.
That's right. My daughter, my sweet sweet Malia, told me that she'd most likely want to hang herself if I died. She'd finally let some part of her emotions come out, for once. I knew that the environment of our family meals was not conducive to the conversation that was obvious we needed to have, and told her that I would love to talk to her about that after I put the babies to bed.
We eventually met up on her bed that night, revisiting her thoughts from earlier. I asked her why she felt that way, and she told me that it was quite simple. If both Dad and I were dead, then she wouldn't want to be living...she'd want to be where we were. We worked through those thoughts. What had at first shocked me now became obvious and clear to me. She was saying aloud what I've been thinking for the last 5 months. I don't really want to kill myself, but I definitely don't want to live anywhere where Naki isn't. It's all about the pain your feeling, and the thought of feeling that pain continually for an indefinite amount of time. Malia, you are not alone in your thoughts. It's totally and completely normal to feel and think that way. But know that as time passes, you'll find that you have adventures ahead of you, people you haven't even met yet, that will be recipients of your love, whom will help you feel a portion of what you will miss when both Dad and I are gone. There is life to be lived, as unbelievable as that may be to think, when you feel like there is not. I feel that way every day. I'm shocked to find another day is here, thrilled that another day has gone, and wonder what lies ahead. I don't know how it's possible, but I am trying to have faith that where I feel dead inside will someday feel full of life.
I took these pictures last April (even though the date shows it's 2008, it's really 2009) of one of the grape vines in my neighbors yard that grows along and over our fence in the backyard.
At the end of the fall these grape vines are pruned and trimmed back, readying them for the new growth that will happen in the spring. All winter they look like a bunch of dead twigs. And then, in Spring, I find these drops of water coming out of their pruned ends.
It shocks me every time I see them. How could something like water, so essential to life and so alive, come out of something that looks so dead? It is a baffling miracle. I'm holding onto the hope to have that same experience sometime in the next 60 years, (No later, or else!), that I will feel alive and full of life once again.
I just love this time of year. Last fall I planted a lilac bush, a different flowering shrub whose name I'm forgetting right now...plum something, a peach tree, a spring snow crabapple tree, two flowering hawthorn trees, a maple tree, and two entire perennial beds. I keep finding excuses to go out and make the rounds, checking on everybody to see whose sprouted what buds...some are cute and fuzzy, others and smooth and bright. I. Love. It. Something about seeing my plants grow fills me up. I've already fertilized, and can't wait to see all of them start their spring time show. Now, if I'd just remembered last fall that I had an entire bag of bulbs in my garage that I'd bought before Naki died, and then remembered to plant them, I'd get to enjoy those too. But, there's always this fall for planting and next spring for enjoying.
I think that's what I find so enjoyable about all this planting. The plants are alive. We are alive. There are many parallels to draw from the two and experiencing both of them. I'm a bit drowsy, and really want a nap on my birthday! So I won't go into deep comparisons right now, but I know from reading about my plants, knowing the care they require in order to reach their full capacity, and knowing that they will continue to live as long as I provide for their needs, that I find much of that similar to me. And similar to me even BEFORE Naki died, and all the more now that he's gone.
Death is imminent. We know better than we've ever known before that it is inevitable and essential to our progression beyond mortals into immortality. The other night at dinner the girls were discussing my upcoming birthday. Some of the girls were joking saying that I would probably reach 82 years old before I die. Fine by me, I said, mentally pleased with that figure since I myself have planned that I'd like to live no longer than 93 years of age...3 chunks of 2o years from the time Naki died. (I'm all about the planning...) I figured I could handle things better if I knew that time frame I was dealing with. If I die before that, SWEET! And if I make it past that, I'll be truly pissed. So when they mentioned 82, I was good with that number.
I started discussing with them the fact that we as a family have clearly learned that death is something we cannot work our way around. We cannot avoid it. It will happen to those we love no matter how much we will it not to. I told them that we were lucky to have each other to listen to and to learn from right now. We needed to not take anyone or any conversation for granted as we have learned that we never know how long we'll have those earthly opportunities. I told them that they needed to realize that someday Mom will die, too. And that it is essential that people learn what they can from their parents while they're still alive, if possible. Malia balked. Completely balked, at that concept. She succinctly told me that if I died, she'd climb to the tallest place possible and hang herself.
That's right. My daughter, my sweet sweet Malia, told me that she'd most likely want to hang herself if I died. She'd finally let some part of her emotions come out, for once. I knew that the environment of our family meals was not conducive to the conversation that was obvious we needed to have, and told her that I would love to talk to her about that after I put the babies to bed.
We eventually met up on her bed that night, revisiting her thoughts from earlier. I asked her why she felt that way, and she told me that it was quite simple. If both Dad and I were dead, then she wouldn't want to be living...she'd want to be where we were. We worked through those thoughts. What had at first shocked me now became obvious and clear to me. She was saying aloud what I've been thinking for the last 5 months. I don't really want to kill myself, but I definitely don't want to live anywhere where Naki isn't. It's all about the pain your feeling, and the thought of feeling that pain continually for an indefinite amount of time. Malia, you are not alone in your thoughts. It's totally and completely normal to feel and think that way. But know that as time passes, you'll find that you have adventures ahead of you, people you haven't even met yet, that will be recipients of your love, whom will help you feel a portion of what you will miss when both Dad and I are gone. There is life to be lived, as unbelievable as that may be to think, when you feel like there is not. I feel that way every day. I'm shocked to find another day is here, thrilled that another day has gone, and wonder what lies ahead. I don't know how it's possible, but I am trying to have faith that where I feel dead inside will someday feel full of life.
I took these pictures last April (even though the date shows it's 2008, it's really 2009) of one of the grape vines in my neighbors yard that grows along and over our fence in the backyard.
At the end of the fall these grape vines are pruned and trimmed back, readying them for the new growth that will happen in the spring. All winter they look like a bunch of dead twigs. And then, in Spring, I find these drops of water coming out of their pruned ends.
It shocks me every time I see them. How could something like water, so essential to life and so alive, come out of something that looks so dead? It is a baffling miracle. I'm holding onto the hope to have that same experience sometime in the next 60 years, (No later, or else!), that I will feel alive and full of life once again.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Frustrating Dreams
I want to say thank you! to all of you that have contributed thus far to our Fireside Fundraiser. I have been so touched at all of your willingness to contribute yet something more to our family efforts. I have been sweetly surprised/relieved by all of you being so generous. I thought I wouldn't be able to sell any tickets, and had thought that just so I could contribute somehow I would end up buying several plates myself and of course would then not know what to do with all of that extra food. I know the food will be so so yummy and that even more of you will get to have some when we do it again next month. If you're still interested for getting food for this Friday, just email me and I'll let you know if it's still possible.
As I referred to in one of my recent posts, I haven't been feeling so well. Actually, my sinuses and cough have pretty much cleared all up, which is a relief. But I'm not talking about that, but instead mean how I've been feeling emotionally. I find myself sometimes feeling such astonishment still, that my Naki isn't going to walk around the corner and into the room. I just expect to see him, and find myself repeatedly let down when I do not. I pray every day, for me and the kids, to feel him in our lives. I don't know what that would actually feel like...to feel him in my life these days. I'm so terribly confused because at times I feel he's so close that it's possible he just might walk around the corner, as if he'd never left. And then when he doesn't, I wonder how I could have let that thought slip by my thought filter.
Somedays I am very successful at pushing the desire to see him to the back of my mind. Those are the days that I am able to not think of me living the rest of my entire mortal life without him, but rather I am able to just limit my perspective to the current day and the current day only. But I've discovered that I am only able to do that for so long, and that it is only a matter of time until all of those thoughts I've been able to suppress come boiling over the surface. How can I find the balance? How can I find the exact frame of mind that will help me live in the most complete state of wholeness that is possible? Right now the see-saw effect of this thought pattern is making me so exhausted. I am having trouble again making myself wake up in the morning. I crave sleep. More accurately, I crave the oblivion that I hope comes with sleep.
I have had some crazy dreams lately. One night I dreamed that it was the night that Naki had died. I saw up in the sky, as he was dying, what looked like a rectangular shaped portal of light. The shape kind of reminded me of one of those huge framed living room mirrors that some people have. In the inside of the frame there was nonstop activity with fragments of light...kind of like you see when Luke travels through Light Speed in Star Wars. I watched how the different stages of the light's patterns matched the different stages of Naki dying, and knew that it was time for him to go just by what the lights were doing. In my dream, time passed. I saw myself trying so hard to do everything that was required of me, all the while checking on that portal and it's level of activity. I knew that if I kept checking on it, that I'd be sure to not miss when it was my turn to go through the portal and be with Naki. Suddenly, one day, I was shocked to find that the portal having just recently been dormant, was now starting to rev up. The light show going on inside of it was beautiful, and I was pretty much hyperventilating in excitement as I could feel my body start lifting off of the ground, gradually making my way towards that opening. The joy that I felt at the thought that I was finally finished with mortality was so overwhelming that I cannot even begin to describe it. At the same time that I recognized how thrilled I was at the prospect of finally being able to see Naki, I corrected myself and reminded myself that I should be just as excited if not more that I would finally be able to see God and Jesus Christ, too. All of a sudden, just as I was almost to the portal, I felt an overwhelmingly powerful pull back to earth. As my arms were outreached heavenward, I glanced behind me and saw all six of my beautiful girls, standing as a group, with all of their arms outstretched to me, as they were crying out for me to stay. I knew instantly that I would stay with them and that it was the right thing to do. But the pain of making the choice to put my arms down back by my side and return back to the ground was intense and frustrating. The mental tug of war that I play through in my head is making me so tired.
I have felt the pull to start the process of going back to school...NOT something I'm all that thrilled about, for sure. I had been doing a little bit of research before I went to bed, and so the thoughts about what kind of job will provide the right kind of flexible hours that I need must have been at the front of my mind. In my dream, or should I call it a nightmare, I dreamt that once again, I was forced to leave my babies in someone else's care, as I went off to either go to school or go to work...I'm not sure which one. When I returned to get the girls much to my dismay no one could find Ane. For some reason the caretaker's location was near a body of water. I eventually located Ane, who in the dream was the same age she is now, playing at the edge of a deep and dangerous body of water, all alone, about to be overtaken by the powerful water. I awoke with such frustration at the circumstances that I feel somewhat pushed into, and more than a bit antsy about not being the one to take care of my babies all the time.
One book I've been reading off and on over the last couple of months is called Life Everlasting written by Duane S. Crowther. In his words in the introduction as to the purpose of this book, he writes, "This volume is not a fanciful collection of consoling poetry and funeral phraseology. It is a careful analysis of the experiences of dozens of reliable individuals who have died and then returned to life, and of scores of others who have been visited by departed spirits. It is a gathering together of revelation after revelation telling of the glorious life which awaits the righteous. It is my personal witness that life continues beyond the grave, and that God allows mortal man to know many of the joys of the life to come!" Also, written on the page before the dedication page is a quote by Joseph Smith. He said, "All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand....our departure hence...It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject."
I have taken that last quote to heart, and have been studying and reading intensely whenever I have a spare moment so I can learn and understand more of our Heavenly Father's divine plan for all of us, and specifically, for me. Last night I read something that Parley P. Pratt, an early member of the church, had to say on the subject of why righteous spirits return to earth. He was writing about the interest that those Spirits who have died, or what we refer to in the LDS church as those Spirits who are on the other side of the veil that separates earth and heaven, hold in their mortal loved ones. He was writing about the manner in which such beings often communicate with mortals through dreams. He explained it as follows:
"When the outward organs of thought and perception are released from their activity, the nerves unstrung, and the whole of mortal humanity lies hushed in quiet slumbers, in order to renew its strength and vigor, it is then that the spiritual organs are at liberty, in a certain degree, to assume their wonted functions, to recall some faint outlines, some confused and half-defined recollections, of that heavenly world, and those endearing scenes of their former estate, from which they have descended in order to obtain and mature a tabernacle of flesh. Their kindred spirits, their guardian angels then hover about them with the fondest affection, the most anxious solicitude. Spirit communes with spirit, thought meets thought, soul blends with soul in all the raptures of mutual, pure, and eternal love.
In this situation, we frequently hold communication with our departed father, mother, brother, sister, son or daughter; or with the former husband or wife of our bosom, whose affection for us, being rooted and grounded in the eternal elements, or issuing from under the sanctuary of love's eternal fountain, can never be lessened or diminished by death, distance of space, or length of years.
We may, perhaps, have a friend of the other sex, whose pulse beat in unison with our own; whose every thought was big with the aspirations, the hopes of a bright future in union with our own; whose happiness in time or in eternity, would never be fully consummated without that union. Such a one, snatched from time in the very bloom of youth, lives in the other sphere, with the same bright hope, watching our every footstep, in our meanderings through the rugged path of life, with longing desires for our eternal happiness, and eager for our safe arrival in the same sphere.
With what tenderness of love, with what solicitude of affection will they watch over our slumbers, hang about our pillow, and seek to communicate with our spirits, to warn us of dangers or temptation, to comfort and soothe our sorrow, or to ward off the ills which might befall us, or perchance to give us some kind token of remembrance or undying love."
I've thought a great deal about his words since I read them last night. I am well aware that you cannot believe everything you read, but you can take truth from everything you read. If, in fact, there is truth in his words, how does that reconcile itself with the fact that my dreams are not peaceful moments that are conducive to such communication that I pray for daily, but rather are conflicted and anxious moments where my conscious and subconscious thoughts are played out on a nightly basis?
As I referred to in one of my recent posts, I haven't been feeling so well. Actually, my sinuses and cough have pretty much cleared all up, which is a relief. But I'm not talking about that, but instead mean how I've been feeling emotionally. I find myself sometimes feeling such astonishment still, that my Naki isn't going to walk around the corner and into the room. I just expect to see him, and find myself repeatedly let down when I do not. I pray every day, for me and the kids, to feel him in our lives. I don't know what that would actually feel like...to feel him in my life these days. I'm so terribly confused because at times I feel he's so close that it's possible he just might walk around the corner, as if he'd never left. And then when he doesn't, I wonder how I could have let that thought slip by my thought filter.
Somedays I am very successful at pushing the desire to see him to the back of my mind. Those are the days that I am able to not think of me living the rest of my entire mortal life without him, but rather I am able to just limit my perspective to the current day and the current day only. But I've discovered that I am only able to do that for so long, and that it is only a matter of time until all of those thoughts I've been able to suppress come boiling over the surface. How can I find the balance? How can I find the exact frame of mind that will help me live in the most complete state of wholeness that is possible? Right now the see-saw effect of this thought pattern is making me so exhausted. I am having trouble again making myself wake up in the morning. I crave sleep. More accurately, I crave the oblivion that I hope comes with sleep.
I have had some crazy dreams lately. One night I dreamed that it was the night that Naki had died. I saw up in the sky, as he was dying, what looked like a rectangular shaped portal of light. The shape kind of reminded me of one of those huge framed living room mirrors that some people have. In the inside of the frame there was nonstop activity with fragments of light...kind of like you see when Luke travels through Light Speed in Star Wars. I watched how the different stages of the light's patterns matched the different stages of Naki dying, and knew that it was time for him to go just by what the lights were doing. In my dream, time passed. I saw myself trying so hard to do everything that was required of me, all the while checking on that portal and it's level of activity. I knew that if I kept checking on it, that I'd be sure to not miss when it was my turn to go through the portal and be with Naki. Suddenly, one day, I was shocked to find that the portal having just recently been dormant, was now starting to rev up. The light show going on inside of it was beautiful, and I was pretty much hyperventilating in excitement as I could feel my body start lifting off of the ground, gradually making my way towards that opening. The joy that I felt at the thought that I was finally finished with mortality was so overwhelming that I cannot even begin to describe it. At the same time that I recognized how thrilled I was at the prospect of finally being able to see Naki, I corrected myself and reminded myself that I should be just as excited if not more that I would finally be able to see God and Jesus Christ, too. All of a sudden, just as I was almost to the portal, I felt an overwhelmingly powerful pull back to earth. As my arms were outreached heavenward, I glanced behind me and saw all six of my beautiful girls, standing as a group, with all of their arms outstretched to me, as they were crying out for me to stay. I knew instantly that I would stay with them and that it was the right thing to do. But the pain of making the choice to put my arms down back by my side and return back to the ground was intense and frustrating. The mental tug of war that I play through in my head is making me so tired.
I have felt the pull to start the process of going back to school...NOT something I'm all that thrilled about, for sure. I had been doing a little bit of research before I went to bed, and so the thoughts about what kind of job will provide the right kind of flexible hours that I need must have been at the front of my mind. In my dream, or should I call it a nightmare, I dreamt that once again, I was forced to leave my babies in someone else's care, as I went off to either go to school or go to work...I'm not sure which one. When I returned to get the girls much to my dismay no one could find Ane. For some reason the caretaker's location was near a body of water. I eventually located Ane, who in the dream was the same age she is now, playing at the edge of a deep and dangerous body of water, all alone, about to be overtaken by the powerful water. I awoke with such frustration at the circumstances that I feel somewhat pushed into, and more than a bit antsy about not being the one to take care of my babies all the time.
One book I've been reading off and on over the last couple of months is called Life Everlasting written by Duane S. Crowther. In his words in the introduction as to the purpose of this book, he writes, "This volume is not a fanciful collection of consoling poetry and funeral phraseology. It is a careful analysis of the experiences of dozens of reliable individuals who have died and then returned to life, and of scores of others who have been visited by departed spirits. It is a gathering together of revelation after revelation telling of the glorious life which awaits the righteous. It is my personal witness that life continues beyond the grave, and that God allows mortal man to know many of the joys of the life to come!" Also, written on the page before the dedication page is a quote by Joseph Smith. He said, "All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand....our departure hence...It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject."
I have taken that last quote to heart, and have been studying and reading intensely whenever I have a spare moment so I can learn and understand more of our Heavenly Father's divine plan for all of us, and specifically, for me. Last night I read something that Parley P. Pratt, an early member of the church, had to say on the subject of why righteous spirits return to earth. He was writing about the interest that those Spirits who have died, or what we refer to in the LDS church as those Spirits who are on the other side of the veil that separates earth and heaven, hold in their mortal loved ones. He was writing about the manner in which such beings often communicate with mortals through dreams. He explained it as follows:
"When the outward organs of thought and perception are released from their activity, the nerves unstrung, and the whole of mortal humanity lies hushed in quiet slumbers, in order to renew its strength and vigor, it is then that the spiritual organs are at liberty, in a certain degree, to assume their wonted functions, to recall some faint outlines, some confused and half-defined recollections, of that heavenly world, and those endearing scenes of their former estate, from which they have descended in order to obtain and mature a tabernacle of flesh. Their kindred spirits, their guardian angels then hover about them with the fondest affection, the most anxious solicitude. Spirit communes with spirit, thought meets thought, soul blends with soul in all the raptures of mutual, pure, and eternal love.
In this situation, we frequently hold communication with our departed father, mother, brother, sister, son or daughter; or with the former husband or wife of our bosom, whose affection for us, being rooted and grounded in the eternal elements, or issuing from under the sanctuary of love's eternal fountain, can never be lessened or diminished by death, distance of space, or length of years.
We may, perhaps, have a friend of the other sex, whose pulse beat in unison with our own; whose every thought was big with the aspirations, the hopes of a bright future in union with our own; whose happiness in time or in eternity, would never be fully consummated without that union. Such a one, snatched from time in the very bloom of youth, lives in the other sphere, with the same bright hope, watching our every footstep, in our meanderings through the rugged path of life, with longing desires for our eternal happiness, and eager for our safe arrival in the same sphere.
With what tenderness of love, with what solicitude of affection will they watch over our slumbers, hang about our pillow, and seek to communicate with our spirits, to warn us of dangers or temptation, to comfort and soothe our sorrow, or to ward off the ills which might befall us, or perchance to give us some kind token of remembrance or undying love."
I've thought a great deal about his words since I read them last night. I am well aware that you cannot believe everything you read, but you can take truth from everything you read. If, in fact, there is truth in his words, how does that reconcile itself with the fact that my dreams are not peaceful moments that are conducive to such communication that I pray for daily, but rather are conflicted and anxious moments where my conscious and subconscious thoughts are played out on a nightly basis?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ever the Competitor
We were sitting around the counter in the kitchen tonight eating yummy treats that Aunt Ginny had made with the help of the girlies from a recipe their Auntie Jackie had posted on her cooking blog. Everyone was goofing around, trying to get extra messy because Auntie Ginny had her camera out. Out of the blue, Lose shouts out,
"I call dibbs on coming out of the clouds with Dad first!"
A comment like that can leave a lady a bit taken aback. So I asked her, "What do you mean, Lose?"
And she responded, "You know, when we get resurrected and come out of the clouds with Dad and Jesus at the Second Coming...I call dibbs on coming out of the clouds first with them."
Well, at least she's finding a way to put a positive spin on it. Apparently, we have a tiche of clarification as to the order of some things, but at least she has a goal to be with the two best people possible at the most important event to come.
"I call dibbs on coming out of the clouds with Dad first!"
A comment like that can leave a lady a bit taken aback. So I asked her, "What do you mean, Lose?"
And she responded, "You know, when we get resurrected and come out of the clouds with Dad and Jesus at the Second Coming...I call dibbs on coming out of the clouds first with them."
Well, at least she's finding a way to put a positive spin on it. Apparently, we have a tiche of clarification as to the order of some things, but at least she has a goal to be with the two best people possible at the most important event to come.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Today has been hard for me. Some days are just like that, with no specific reason that stands out from any other day. I know that a huge part of it is the fact that I am having to use his phone. Since my phone isn't working, I had my number switched to his phone so I wouldn't have to buy a new one, and quite possibly just until I check into the insurance coverage I had on my phone. Let me tell you, you wouldn't believe the number of alarms that were going off on top of each other once I put his battery back in his phone. That boy loves so many of you. There were reminders in there to call some of you, wish you happy birthday, happy anniversary, or just to check on you. Then to hear all the different ring tones coming in whenever it would ring was killing me, too. The girls think it's fun to see Dad's phone out again being used, and I just think it's painful. In addition to his phone, I had therapy today. Eva and I go in every Wednesday morning and it has been so fantastic to be able to talk without inhibition to my therapist. But today, even though the info was helpful and I'm better for having been able to express some of my thoughts, it brought me mentally to that place where I can't stop thinking about him. Seriously...this is silly. When I went to pick up the girls from their Grandma's and Grandpa's, I noticed his Mom's legs, specifically the outside of her calf, and thought "Oh! Naki's muscle in his leg moves like that when he would hardly even move his leg...I want to see his muscle in his leg move again, right now." I want this merry-go-round in my head to just stop spinning. Somedays it seems so easy to just focus one day at a time, and others I just can't seem to stop thinking about being without him until I die. I miss him tonight so painfully that I actually feel nauseous in my tummy...haven't really felt that since the first week he died. Good news is, sweets only make it worse. I guess that's a plus. But the crying is only messing with my already messed up sinuses..not sure if it's a cold, or allergies, or what. But enough already! I just want to breath through my nose again someday soon.
So, to help with my pain, tonight I want to write. I've been keeping a running list about each child, whether it's what they're doing these days or funny things they've said.
Emeline:
This girl is a doll. She really is. Her tendency to obsess and stress over anything is exhausting for me as her Mom, but her obsessing is also her biggest strength. Because she thinks on, over, through, and in between everything, she's super responsible, extremely aware, and just plain sweet. Therapy for her has continued to help, especially since we started having the girls seen one at a time instead of in a group. Line has struggled with feelings of anxiousness and also has started showing symptoms of OCD. Her little hands, up her wrists, and to the middle of her forearms are SO chapped because she just cannot stop washing her hands. That's not the only thing she uses her OCD with to feel control in her life. But she's working in therapy to learn defense mechanisms and tactics against those thoughts and impulses. She's made a list of things she can do instead of feel anxious, and we're seeing small signs of progress. She is such a dramatic girl, and worries far too much for my taste. And over EVERYTHING. I told her I just want to see her little face exuding happiness more than it exudes stress and anxiety. My friend told me a Helen Keller quote that I told Line. I'm sure I won't state it perfectly, but the concept is that you have to produce happiness in order to consume it. Line wants to have happiness, but hasn't contributed her fair share these days. And I've learned that it most definitely has to be produced from within yourself. No one can manufacture that for you.
I've found myself in completely uncharted territory with things that involve training bras, highly anticipated playdates with a friend of hers that's a boy, confessions to a boy about who she "like-likes", and other such nonsense. That's right. Naki and I are gonna go a coupla rounds for sure when I see him next.
Sure love this angel of mine. She has an affliction that I had, and still have, that comes from reading words that we've never heard pronounced and then trying to use them in conversations only to mispronounce them. It is extremely entertaining to me, and consistently frustrating for her. Tonight she had a zinger. We were discussing her overall disappointment with school lunches, to which she very enthusiastically informed me, "Well, the day I'm looking forward to is the 15th...when they're serving a dell-eye sandwich and a cinammon roll..." Apparently, we don't use the word "deli" too often anymore. We use the words "Subway Sandwich" around here instead. I was dying!
Anamalia:
Malia was sent here to teach me. She does it consistently, whether by her example of true love for people or whether by the choices she makes that cause me to count to 10 and search inside of myself for additional patience. The therapists told me that it was a close tie between her and Lose for the two that didn't want to open up the most at therapy. They also tell me that she'll take herself out of an activity that would require her to face the emotions it involves rather than deal with those feelings. Malia makes me want to cuddle her and just hold her close because she doesn't say what she feels. Because she doesn't, it eventually erupts out of her. She doesn't like the way that feels, but hasn't figured out yet that it's actually healthy to work with it a piece at a time. But she'll get there.
Malia is an incredible sister. Here are just some things that I've noticed her doing over the last little while. I kept finding these sticky notes with random words written on them all over the floor by her and Eli's seats in the car. When I asked her about them, she told me that she's teaching Eli to read whenever we drive somewhere. She writes a word down for Eli, and then works with her on it, pronouncing it and writing it, until Eli can do it all by herself. For those of you who don't know, Malia didn't jump into learning her letters or reading AT ALL. I would do our alphabet puzzle with her over and over, and she still couldn't tell me which letter was which for the longest time. But when she decided SHE wanted to learn them, she did. And so I find it especially sweet that she is teaching Eli...just so sweet. I will find Malia set up with one of her sisters, "doing" their hair for them. This involves getting it all wet, brushing it, and then creatively styling it. Words don't do justice to this girls' creativity. But I will say that she manages to give people bangs who didn't have bangs before she started with them, and she doesn't do any cutting...she uses the ends of their long hair to come back up and over their head and end up with ends at the right length for where she wants the bangs to end. It sounds weird, but it looks surprisingly good! She always finds a way to help whomever's hair she's working on to feel beautiful when she's done. Now, that's a gift.
Malia is learning that to be a good sister is more important than being a good friend to someone who isn't your sister...sounds shifty maybe to some of you, but what I mean is that she's learning that her sister's secrets should be safe with her. Her sister should feel that she can trust Malia with her innermost secrets, say, her current boy-crush. Malia now knows that when you swear to keep something secret, that actually means secret. She is discovering about herself that it is very VERY hard to keep a secret. :) I know how it feels, girl. She's also discovering the benefits of choosing to be a leader instead of a follower. It's been painful to watch her want so badly to want to be someone's friend to the point of tagging along behind them, waiting to be noticed. And yet because of her generous heart and the way she gives unconditionally to those around her, she fails to notice those tagging along behind her, waiting to be noticed by her. She's been thrilled to be able to come and give me exciting updates on deciding to go ahead and do her own thing only to have those she was tagging along behind choose to come and see what she's up to. There truly is peace to be found in liking yourself no matter how others act towards you.
For Christmas Malia, Line, and Lose got LeapFrog Didjs, handheld educational toys. Eli and Eva got LeapFrog Leapsters, also handheld educational toys but ones that are geared to the younger crowd. Eli consistently is found secluded in a closet, under a table, or behind a couch with one of the big girls' Didjs. She REALLY really wanted one. Remember that feeling of wanting to be bigger? So guess what Malia did. Uh-huh. She gave hers to Eli. Just gave it to her. Lucky for her, I had found an extremely discounted one that I'd ordered for Eli that was already on it's way and just gave it to her instead of Eli. What 8 year old does that? This girl is so beautiful, inside and out.
I feel a bit better now. Thinking about these angels of mine is always therapeutic. I feel drained and tired now, and will write some more on the other girlies hopefully tomorrow.
So, to help with my pain, tonight I want to write. I've been keeping a running list about each child, whether it's what they're doing these days or funny things they've said.
Emeline:
This girl is a doll. She really is. Her tendency to obsess and stress over anything is exhausting for me as her Mom, but her obsessing is also her biggest strength. Because she thinks on, over, through, and in between everything, she's super responsible, extremely aware, and just plain sweet. Therapy for her has continued to help, especially since we started having the girls seen one at a time instead of in a group. Line has struggled with feelings of anxiousness and also has started showing symptoms of OCD. Her little hands, up her wrists, and to the middle of her forearms are SO chapped because she just cannot stop washing her hands. That's not the only thing she uses her OCD with to feel control in her life. But she's working in therapy to learn defense mechanisms and tactics against those thoughts and impulses. She's made a list of things she can do instead of feel anxious, and we're seeing small signs of progress. She is such a dramatic girl, and worries far too much for my taste. And over EVERYTHING. I told her I just want to see her little face exuding happiness more than it exudes stress and anxiety. My friend told me a Helen Keller quote that I told Line. I'm sure I won't state it perfectly, but the concept is that you have to produce happiness in order to consume it. Line wants to have happiness, but hasn't contributed her fair share these days. And I've learned that it most definitely has to be produced from within yourself. No one can manufacture that for you.
I've found myself in completely uncharted territory with things that involve training bras, highly anticipated playdates with a friend of hers that's a boy, confessions to a boy about who she "like-likes", and other such nonsense. That's right. Naki and I are gonna go a coupla rounds for sure when I see him next.
Sure love this angel of mine. She has an affliction that I had, and still have, that comes from reading words that we've never heard pronounced and then trying to use them in conversations only to mispronounce them. It is extremely entertaining to me, and consistently frustrating for her. Tonight she had a zinger. We were discussing her overall disappointment with school lunches, to which she very enthusiastically informed me, "Well, the day I'm looking forward to is the 15th...when they're serving a dell-eye sandwich and a cinammon roll..." Apparently, we don't use the word "deli" too often anymore. We use the words "Subway Sandwich" around here instead. I was dying!
Anamalia:
Malia was sent here to teach me. She does it consistently, whether by her example of true love for people or whether by the choices she makes that cause me to count to 10 and search inside of myself for additional patience. The therapists told me that it was a close tie between her and Lose for the two that didn't want to open up the most at therapy. They also tell me that she'll take herself out of an activity that would require her to face the emotions it involves rather than deal with those feelings. Malia makes me want to cuddle her and just hold her close because she doesn't say what she feels. Because she doesn't, it eventually erupts out of her. She doesn't like the way that feels, but hasn't figured out yet that it's actually healthy to work with it a piece at a time. But she'll get there.
Malia is an incredible sister. Here are just some things that I've noticed her doing over the last little while. I kept finding these sticky notes with random words written on them all over the floor by her and Eli's seats in the car. When I asked her about them, she told me that she's teaching Eli to read whenever we drive somewhere. She writes a word down for Eli, and then works with her on it, pronouncing it and writing it, until Eli can do it all by herself. For those of you who don't know, Malia didn't jump into learning her letters or reading AT ALL. I would do our alphabet puzzle with her over and over, and she still couldn't tell me which letter was which for the longest time. But when she decided SHE wanted to learn them, she did. And so I find it especially sweet that she is teaching Eli...just so sweet. I will find Malia set up with one of her sisters, "doing" their hair for them. This involves getting it all wet, brushing it, and then creatively styling it. Words don't do justice to this girls' creativity. But I will say that she manages to give people bangs who didn't have bangs before she started with them, and she doesn't do any cutting...she uses the ends of their long hair to come back up and over their head and end up with ends at the right length for where she wants the bangs to end. It sounds weird, but it looks surprisingly good! She always finds a way to help whomever's hair she's working on to feel beautiful when she's done. Now, that's a gift.
Malia is learning that to be a good sister is more important than being a good friend to someone who isn't your sister...sounds shifty maybe to some of you, but what I mean is that she's learning that her sister's secrets should be safe with her. Her sister should feel that she can trust Malia with her innermost secrets, say, her current boy-crush. Malia now knows that when you swear to keep something secret, that actually means secret. She is discovering about herself that it is very VERY hard to keep a secret. :) I know how it feels, girl. She's also discovering the benefits of choosing to be a leader instead of a follower. It's been painful to watch her want so badly to want to be someone's friend to the point of tagging along behind them, waiting to be noticed. And yet because of her generous heart and the way she gives unconditionally to those around her, she fails to notice those tagging along behind her, waiting to be noticed by her. She's been thrilled to be able to come and give me exciting updates on deciding to go ahead and do her own thing only to have those she was tagging along behind choose to come and see what she's up to. There truly is peace to be found in liking yourself no matter how others act towards you.
For Christmas Malia, Line, and Lose got LeapFrog Didjs, handheld educational toys. Eli and Eva got LeapFrog Leapsters, also handheld educational toys but ones that are geared to the younger crowd. Eli consistently is found secluded in a closet, under a table, or behind a couch with one of the big girls' Didjs. She REALLY really wanted one. Remember that feeling of wanting to be bigger? So guess what Malia did. Uh-huh. She gave hers to Eli. Just gave it to her. Lucky for her, I had found an extremely discounted one that I'd ordered for Eli that was already on it's way and just gave it to her instead of Eli. What 8 year old does that? This girl is so beautiful, inside and out.
I feel a bit better now. Thinking about these angels of mine is always therapeutic. I feel drained and tired now, and will write some more on the other girlies hopefully tomorrow.
Hi.... it's me again
Hi, I'm Line, and I told my mom on Sunday that I wanted my own blog. I mean, she has one, my aunties have theirs, and I want mine. So, my mom told me to type a post on her blog, but still I feel uncomfortable because the last time I posted on my mom's blog was a couple of years ago when she asked me to post about my lateover with Kyra on her old blog, and,looking back on it, didn't do a very good job. I'm supposed to blog about something, and I've chosen to blog about yesterday. (Just so you know, as I type, I'm hoping I will do as well as my mom, so wish me luck!!!) Yesterday was Aria's birthday party, which was AWESOME!!!! They had a pinata which I was hoping to break myself, but, (sigh) I didn't. Boo. That's me, looking for spotlight. Another thing that they had was a bouncehouse..... children jumped for awhile, and then...... TROUBLE!!!!! Adults' turn!!!! When it was the women's turn, they were trying to shoot hoops.... For those that don't know, I'd like to be a photographer when I grow up, so, of course, I got a little practice..... I got a good three minute video. I wish I could get it on here, shoot. They also had a cool photo booth which, I'm telling you, I must have gotten a thousand pictures of. And, until we figure out how, they will remain unposted. (Those who weren't at the birthday party and didn't see them, I can tell you personally that they were HILARIOUS!!!!) There were fun games that we kids (and a few adults) could play. After you played the game, they gave you little money chips that you got to go spend at a prize table. (Kyra had an oragami station, Tiera had a face painting station) I got a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup pack, a Kitkat pack, and a Whoppers pack. (These were just a few items) Funny story..... I woke up on Sunday to find that ALL my Whoppers had been eaten. Did I mention that I put ALL my candy in MOM'S purse? Yep, it was guess-who. They are her favorites, and when I found them gone, I IMMEDIATELY guessed it was my mother. When I asked her about them, she said she thought either Auntie Mona or Auntie Misty had put it there because my Mom had told them that she had tried to convince Eva to pick them as a prize so she could eat them......... Ha-ha, mom. I wish I could say, Here's some pics!!! like my mom, but I don't really have any, so I'll finish saying, Happy Birthday, Aria!!!
P.S. I typed this originally the weekend of Aria's Birthday party, several weekends ago. I'm happy to report that very very soon, I will have my very own blog! It will most likely be private, and Mom isn't exactly sure how that works....but I am so excited!
P.S. I typed this originally the weekend of Aria's Birthday party, several weekends ago. I'm happy to report that very very soon, I will have my very own blog! It will most likely be private, and Mom isn't exactly sure how that works....but I am so excited!
True Personality
I realized how serious Eli's face was in that picture, and just had to post a couple others to show her TRUE personality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
