My Questions for God

I have so many questions. Questions, I've learned, are a fabulous thing. At first they didn't feel all that fabulous. They overwhelmed me in their strength and number, and for the first time in my entire mortal life I felt dangerously unbalanced...arms flailing as if I only had one foot on the crumbling edge of a cliff and the other in midair over a treachorous and seemingly bottomless canyon. They left me feeling completely alone in my thoughts, as if no one could ever understand the way it felt to be me, to feel so entirely changed in a way that scared me. The fear of finding out that the answers to my questions weren't the answers I wanted them to be paralyzed me and froze me in my thoughts. The questions were relentlessly circling, with no end in sight because I feared the answers. It took me a bit longer than I care to admit, but I figured out that to question is in fact a necessity in my ability to learn and to discover eternal truth. My fear absolutely paralyzed me. By having chosen to fear I chose to lack faith in myself, in Naki, and in my Heavenly Father. I eventually was able to discern my fears for what they truly were...a strong and persuasive attempt to derail my path to a healthy, successful, and truly joyful future with my eternal friends, God, Jesus, and Naki. Since my fear vs. faith revelation, I now pair all of my questions with an act of faith.

Questions + fear = Despair, Isolation, Depression, Doubt, Anxiety, and Sorrow
or
Questions + faith = Humility, Hope, Trust, Desire, and Hunger for all things Godly and to be all things Godly in order to recieve answers to your questions

Questions definitely are a gift. Don't assume that it is a lack of faith on your part if you have a question. Ask, Ask, Ask. It is the only way to get the answers you seek. I have SO many questions about so very many things, and know that I'll be asking and simultaneously acting in faith until I am blessed with the answers.

Be forewarned...I choose to use this blog as my personal notebook of my intimate thoughts. Well, most of them. Many of those thoughts I choose to sometimes keep to myself for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I keep them quiet because they are too special, too personal, too spiritual, to be shared publicly. And sometimes I keep them unwritten because they are my gospel thoughts and in writing them would never wish to offend someone who does not share those same beliefes. Today, the feeling to share my thoughts has completely flowed from my fingertips unhindered, and so I write these thoughts out today for myself. I never question what I write when the feeling to do so comes so strongly.

One of the things that I questioned so very much was the validity of Patriarchal Blessings. I know that many who read this blog may already have an understanding of what one is, and that many who read this blog may not have an understanding of what one is. In my questioning their validity, I acted in faith and tried to learn more about them and in doing so discovered new things about them that I'd never heard before. I learned that in the book of Genesis, Jacob gave patriarchal blessings to his 12 sons, predicting what would happen to them and to their posterity. As a baptized member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are inheritors of the blessings of Jacob, and it is our privilege to receive our very own patriarchal blessings. Geez...this is harder to explain than I thought. Here is a quote from a letter written by David O. McKay, one of the church's latter-day prophets, dated June 28, 1957, explaining and defining a Patriarchal Blessing.

Patriarchal blessings are "...an inspired and prophetic statement of the life mission of the recipient, together with such blessings, cautions, and admonitions as the patriarch may be prompted to give for the accomplishment of such life's mission, it being always made clear that the realization of all promised blessings is conditioned upon faithfulness to the gospel of our Lord, whose servant the patriarch is."

I have felt a barrage of questions as to things in Naki and my blessings that seem unfulfilled or unclear as to his life's mission. It appears to have been cut short, with many things left undone. How can that be? Isn't God in charge of all things? Could he have died too soon with many things left incomplete? I have prayed about this and have asked many questions about it. In my studies recently I have been reading much about the millenium, the age of peace when Christ will personally reign on the earth. As I reread his Patriarchal Blessing, it has been made very clear to me that some of those things that felt incomplete are yet to come...a blessing is given to each of us in consideration that we are eternal in nature...we don't end existing when we die. Our "life's mission" may be interpreted as our mission in this mortal life. But I've felt strongly impressed that our "life's mission" includes our life not only here, but before we were born on the earth and after we die...our eternal Spirit's life. Thus, the blessings mentioned in our Patriarchal Blessings can indeed seem incomplete when compared to only a fraction of our existence, this mortality on earth. I have felt much resolution and excitement as I've learned new things in my questioning.

My own Patriarchal Blessing tells me that I should keep and maintain a journal. I am to place within it all meaningful experiences, that they may uplift me in my moments of despondency. This has helped me so very much to follow this counsel throughout my life. It is the true reason I started blogging in the first place, so that I would be able to read back and feel uplifted in future difficulties. I kept a journal faithfully until I got married. It became very sporadic after that, and I wish I'd done a better job. Oh, if I'd only known about blogging back then! I've been reading my journals often since Naki died...especially the journal I kept when we were both serving as full time missionaries for the church at the same time before we were married. It's insane how my experience of being separated from him for those two years echoes so much of what I experience these days emotionally and spiritually. In the future, I'd like to post some of my entries (leaving out all the embarrassing and immature stuff...of course!), and want to start by sharing one today that I wrote Friday, June 6, 1997.

"Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not focused enough on missionary work because so many of my thoughts are already occupied by him. So many things that I do, I do for him, to make me the person I want to be for him. Silly things...for example, I hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE, calling people on the phone! I don't know why, I just do. So every time that thought enters my mind here on my mission I just think, "Well, What am I going to do later when Naki and I are married? He won't always be there. And when I'm a mother and a wife you have to call and talk to people." So whenever I'm out here and I think about how I don't want to call someone, I have all those thoughts run through my head, and then I reach for the phone and do it anyway.

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by how much I love him. And then sometimes I think, "What did his hand feel like, or how did he sound when he said this, or how would he look at me, what face would he make?" These physical things, I wonder how their memory can be so faint. But then I remember that though they may be faint, how he made me feel through those physical things is the thing that I can remember, and is those emotional things that I do remember. More than anything I remember how he makes me feel, and how he continues to make me feel. He is such a valiant missionary, and wants me to be a valient missionary, too. What did he say in his last letter...it was so cute. Oh. He said to make sure that I'm working hard. Then he said, "I'm not doubting you, just reminding you. I know you're working hard, Baby. Okay?" He is so gentle with me...just what I need. Heavenly Father is really watching out for me. One way I can repay Him is by being a better missionary...something I can definitely be proud of, and that I can definitely improve on. I never want to look back on my mission and be disappointed. Tommorrow I commit that I WILL work harder, even though I'm pooped. That doesn't matter...I will continue to press forward."

I could've have written that exact entry today instead of 13 years ago...I find no irony in the fact that keeping a journal for two years while we were separated is something I have to read and reread for the times we're again apart. I no longer have questions regarding Patriarchal Blessings. I'm so excited to get some more answers on "My Questions for God" list...

My Very Own Personal Heaven Magnet

I've never done this before, but am currently reading about 8 different books simultaneously. I keep two in my purse, one in the car, and the others beside my bed. All discuss eternal ideas and gospel principles, some near death experiences, but each have different voices...some direct and preachy, some soothing and gentle, some personal experiences, etc. etc. They help chase away my nighttime demons that only a widow who once was blessed to lay side by side with her best friend and lover and now sleeps with her hand resting where he once did could know about. Tonight I stumbled on a quote that before Naki died wouldn't have resonated within me the way it does now. It comes from the book titled, "The Birth that we call Death" by Paul H. Dunn and Richard M. Eyre. In the text they quote Jean Paul Richter saying,

"Each departed friend is a magnet that attracts us to the next world."

As if he didn't hold enough attraction for me in the first place...

Complimentary Quotes

Tonight was a test of my endurance. Nothing horrible really, but I've had sick kids for a little over a week now, and it's wearing on me. It's not the days that are so hard, but the fact that I am not getting any sleep between them. So tonight when I went downstairs to Line's and Malia's room to tuck them in, I asked them to "squeeze" my feet. That's my version of a foot massage. They love doing it at night, because it means that I let them stay up later. The better they do, the more I let them do it. Tonight I was laying on my back on their bed, and they were being goofy and were standing on their bed, holding my legs straight up pointing towards the ceiling. I of course was dead weighting my legs, making them work extra hard. Line said,

"Wow, Mom. You should lift your legs every day for your workout..."

Hmmm...thanks, Li. Technically, I guess I do. All day long. Too bad that just lifting them doesn't actually get me the results I want. Then later when I had one of them pulling my arms and one of them pulling in the opposite direction on my legs...my version of the stretching machine concept, Line said,

"Well, they say you shouldn't lift and go to the gym until you're 15. We'll just do this!"..accompanied by many many grunts.

Glad I could accommodate.

Last Saturday night was quite the doozy around here. I was unaware that it was a precursor of things to come, and that I had kiddos getting ready to be sick. But when I found myself finally getting to fall asleep at the same time that I should have been waking up to get ready to go to church, I had to make a command decision whether or not to go.

Listen. I can barely make it through church on a full night's rest. In order to survive the three hours of church each week my negotiating skills must be finely honed and my ability to think on my feet must be fully present...and that's just for manuevering Eli, Eva, and Ane into their classes...not even keeping them there. That requires a whole other skill set! I knew I didn't have what it took, and so decided that we could all use a peaceful day at home. Hands down, it was the most rejuvinating and peaceful day that I have had, I think since Naki died. I know that there is a Spiritual Rejuvination and a Covenant making purpose that going to Church each Sunday provides me, and I did miss that. There has been such personal and internal anguish in each of us, which makes it difficult to feel loving and kindly towards one another. Those painful feelings are constantly simmering and brimming and oft times spill over resulting in snappish and unkind behavior. But on this day there was a feeling of familial unity and harmony that we as a family have not felt for some time. We had no TV all day, peaceful music, and plenty of calm activities. Book reading, puzzles, games, naps, mealtimes without arguing, and my new favorite, molding clay. It's the new playdough for me. They get to do pretty much the same things with it that they do with playdough, but without the sticky or crumbly mess. Give it a try...

Sending love to all you Sacrificing Fashion-Conscious Mothers

This may seem a strange thing to post about. But as I was driving children around earlier this week to their various destinations, I had a thought come to me so strongly that I wrote it down to blog about.

Some men and women don't have much concern for fashion, new things, or fancy shoes. But I do, and Naki does. Since we became parents early in our marriage while we were still students trying to buy our first place and be smart about any debt we accrued, it was impossible to please that part of our personalities. I've wished many a time that I didn't care about those things. Living in oblivion to them would feel so much better, so much less of an awareness. But it wasn't for me.

It was difficult to wear the same pair of jeans day in and day out. It was uncomfortable for me to know that I was out of mascara and couldn't buy any for some time...just did not fit into the budget. It was frustrating for me to not look on the outside the way I felt on the inside. I wanted to feel close to the Savior and my Heavenly Father and knew that by complaining, if only in my head and heart, about the things I so badly wanted and could not have, it distanced me from them. Seeing others who had what I wanted brought out feelings of jealousy and envy that I have over time learned to dismiss from my mind.

I quickly learned to look at people for what was on the inside and not the outside, since I wanted people to see me the same way. Naki and I attempted for years to put Him first, to put my children and each other first. I discovered that having to sacrifice taught me so many more things than just being able to have what I wanted immediately could ever have taught me. I know...I see the parallel in my current circumstances, even if it's a bit begrudgingly.

As I was driving along on that day earlier this week, I glanced down at a new pair of sneakers I was wearing that were a steal on Ebay, and thought how grateful I was to be able to do that occassionally now...buy something that I never would have been able to before. It brought to my mind and heart an awareness for all of you sweet Mothers, and even Fathers, out there who are in the same situation I was before, and wanted you all to know that I think of you and admire you for your wise and prudent choices to sacrifice your desires for things that truly matter.

Stubble

Most nights and mornings I go to bed and wake up with no aches for Naki...I'm usually so exhausted I fall asleep as soon as my face hits my pillow. By aches I mean no physical aches, like wanting to feel him beside me in the middle of the night, feel his hand rub my arm when he eventually came to bed, feel him give me a kiss in my sleep, sleep with his hand resting on my hip, or feel his feet rub over the tops of mine while we sleep. But last night I just could not fall asleep. The actual physical loss and sensory ache of wanting to rest my cheek on the rise of his massive chest, feeling his stubble at the end of the day on my face, was too much for me to handle. I guess I was due for a really good cry, and trust me, I got one. I slept eventually, with the hope that when I woke it would have left me. No such luck. Can't I just have it back? I want it back so badly right now. Not when I see him when I die. I'm totally banking on the fact that we get to cuddle as immortals. So all you married ladies, cuddle up to your hubby tonight and don't take a single second of it for granted.

Breathe normally...just breathe

I've posted many times before about our sweet Eva and her breathing difficulties. It started when she was 7 months and has revisited her from time to time, always ending with her on a nebulizer breathing machine, which she detests, and me hoping that whatever medicine she actually breathes in will somehow make a difference. She is healthy one minute, and then can be coughing to the point of not being able to catch a breath in between coughs in literally a blink of an eye. I can tell exactly by the sound of the cough what we're in for.

I heard her cough two nights ago in her sleep and my heart just sunk. Taking good health for granted is something that I never do with her. We've tried, in vain, to figure out what trigers it. The only thing Naki and I are ever able to find as a commonality for each time she gets sick is that it is a change in the weather...a semi-drastic change. And since it's warmed up this week, I was not surprised. I don't know if it's pollen being released that she's allergic to, and the doctors were hesitant to say she's asthmatic since it's so inconsistent and doesn't really present like asthma. Either way, we're stuck with it until hopefully she grows out of it. Until then, I have a baby with a fever that is almost impossible to keep in a safe range who breathes so shallow it scares me.

Yesterday was pretty bad. Line was reading to her while she laid on the couch with her "Daddy Blanket" that Auntie Mona made her for Christmas.

I know they're sick when they start falling asleep wherever and whenever, which she did many times yesterday. Last night I hardly slept because I was so terrified she'd start seizing from her high fever. We had a woman and her young baby live with us when I was a teenager and that little baby got a fever and starting seizing...an image I will never ever forget. I know I probably over worried and over thought every single move and sound she made, but she was laying on Naki's pillow, and in the middle of the night started twitching and moving similar to the way Naki did the night he died. Yeah...didn't really sleep after that.

In those moments when I realize my inability to have any control over my loved ones' mortality, I tell myself that death is nothing to fear. Death is actually, when considering all the things that could go wrong with any of my babies, what I would prefer. Them having to stay mortal and deal with trauma seems more difficult than just dying from the trauma. Who even sits around and thinks about these things? I never did before I experienced our family's trauma of my best friend dying and was left mortal to live and deal with it. I reminded myself to breathe, just breathe. There was nothing more I could do for her. Whatever happens in my babies' lives I have to believe is what's best for them...that God is somehow managing and overseeing all of this. If I don't grip tightly onto that thought I easily lose my ability to want to go on.

I watched her for a long time, until around 6:00 when her fever broke. Of course...right when everyone is supposed to get up for school. I didn't care, but instead just went to sleep and thought, "If their sleeping patterns are consistent today with how they were on their day off, then they should just sleep right through the hour we usually wake because it's a school day!" Thanks to Auntie Ginny, who despite having an important training she was doing this morning, got the girls dressed and out the door for school. She is still sick...it seems to linger for some time. Now let's cross our fingers that the fever doesn't return...we learned from the last time she was sick that a second fever is a bad sign. Last time it was the precursor to her bronchitis...