Our first family picture without Daddy...

Today marked a very significant day in our healing. Today we took our very first official family picture without our Daddy in it. I know there have been many pics snapped up at the cemetary and other places too, but this was the first time I called up our dear friends and told them we were ready for some updated pics of the girlies and quite possibly, if it felt right in the moment, for a pic of all of us together. Even though it's uncomfortable and painful to not have Naki there with us and it would feel easier for me personally to just go ahead and have them take only pictures of the girlies growing up, I would hate for the girls as adults to wish that I had been in more pics with them, the same way I feel about wishing I had more pics of Naki and I together and even me wishing I had more pics of him with the girlies. The other night as I was falling asleep thinking about getting our pics taken, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted it to be fun and silly. I also wanted it to show that we, us women, were united in our goal to be strong and to be eternal. I envisioned us walking together in one line, connected by hands held, and all jumping heavenward. Now, it isn't the most flattering image of myself, but I don't care. Here we are, Naki's girlies, and we are smiling, we are together, and we are his.

One of the kiddos fave activities to do at the Leggs house, although I think they'd say everything they did was their favorite, was play hide and seek. Here are some pics of some of the clever hiding spots they found. I was super impressed at their ability to keep finding new spots!

Two of our favorite sights

These pictures were taken this summer. What is it about rainbows? Just witnessing something so otherworldy that happens so briefly with just the right combination of ingredients makes me feel touched by heaven. I felt that way before Naki died, and I truly feel it now. I think they make me feel like in a world surrounded by difficult and ugly things and circumstances, seeing something beautiful at the hand of God is a reminder of all that He is capable of.

The pictures of the horses are a fun story.


Since the beginning of the year I have had the strongest impression that I need to get the girlies lives entwined with horses. Naki and I talked about that sooo very much, but our finances always prevented it from happening. Right before he died he was developing a work relationship with a stable, and had been talking with them about letting us and our girls clean the stables there in lieu of riding lessons for the girlies. Secretly I am frightened by their size and their power, and mostly by the fact that I don't know anything about being around them. But one thing I do know about them is that whenever I am in their presence I feel the same way I do around rainbows. There is something so magnificent about being in the same space as something so powerful, intelligent, and special that isn't human. I am drawn to them. I went through a kooky period this summer where I daydreamed about living in Kentucky. No lie. I can't explain it, but I even went so far as to learn about housing and all other kinds of aspects of living in Kentucky. I could never do it, move there, because there isn't any family there, and there isn't any reason to be there other than I was daydreaming about owning this huge piece of land with fences and horses. Silly dream. I realized after traveling to Ohio this summer that I don't have to go far to have horses and land. I could have it here once I finish school and be smart with my money...someday it could become a reality. Even if that means for our grandkids! But Naki and I both loved the idea of having horses. We used to drive through Lindon and look at homes and their properties that were zoned for horses and just dream. But for now, we feel lucky to have met a sweet man, the owner of the tire shop we go to actually, that told me I could drive the girls out to where he keeps his horses anytime to go pet them and to say hi with some apples. He also told me that I can hop the fence any time and go into the field with them, but I am too scared! One Sunday we cut up quite a few apples and had the best time. I love being in their presence. Eva just lights up whenever she's around them, all the girls do, and they talk about it constantly. Maybe someday I'll get up the courage to go past the fence.

Tim's Special Olympics

In July the girlies and I were lucky enough to take a quick trip to Boise. My younger but bigger brother Tim was a member of his area's Special Olympics basketball team and my brother in law Albert was traveling with the team as a sort of chaperone. His team played fantastically, and ended up winning GOLD! Go Tim! These pics are the only ones I took, sadly. We brought Addie, my niece, with us. We did a drop-off, leaving her and our two oldest with Grandmother so they could drive back to Coeur D'Alene with her for the annual Grandparent retreat. Thank you to my sis Connie and her hubbie Steve for letting us ALL crash their condo there in Boise that they live in for the summer while they run the Boise hub of their whitewater rafting business. While we were there we got to drive out to the starting point of the slow float. It is definitely on my list of things to do in the near future...when Ane is just a bit older. All of us can't wait to do it.

What a fun thing to do...watch my big little brother have such a great time and watch him do something he's so super proud of. We love you, Uncle Tim!

Some time ago, back when Auntie Ginny lived with us immediately after Naki's death, I videoed this conversation I'd had with Eli about my decision to get her a cat. We hadn't yet found our Charlie at the time this video was made. It's a bit long, I think about 8 minutes. At the time I couldn't figure out how to get such a long video to upload. But here it is on youtube, and I just HAD to post it on here because it is the epitome of who she is, and what I get to be surrounded by every day...I'm so lucky. Never a dull moment. :)

Gratitude

I don't have much time to write. I have been experiencing this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for several days, and wanted to write it here for record keeping. I'm sure there will come a time when I will need to read what I've written to help me in my moments of despondency. I am most grateful these days for the people that God has blessed me to have in my life, not as a replacement for the way I miss my Baby, and not necessarily as a compensation, but truly as a sign of Love towards me and our girlies. I am grateful for the ladies and their families who have brought our family dinner once a week since Naki died, and are STILL doing it. I am grateful to the neighbor across the street who since I've started school has noticed that I no longer have time to do that which I love, take care of my yard, and so has come over unasked to mow the lawn for me, repeatedly. I am grateful for the neighbors that since Naki has died continue to set out our garbage cans each week on garbage day. I am grateful for the friends and family who volunteer to rotate turns babysitting my two littles every week so that last year I could work and this year I can attend school full time. I am thankful for a sister who dedicated many hours to researching scholarships for me to apply for, which I did, and received all three of them, for which I am also grateful for. I am grateful for our friends who come over once a month to play with the girlies so I can leave for one night of the month, which I have used for temple night, laundrymat nights, and most recently study-at-the-library nights. I am grateful for a friend who for several years has allowed us to trade cleaning services for dance tuition so the girls can do that which they so love. I am thankful for friends who have brought me cds of songs that they felt inspired to share with me for uplifting. I am grateful for friends and family that randomly text me to tell me that they love me and the girls and are cheering for us. I am grateful for a neighbor who remembers every one of the girlies' birthdays and brings over their favorite treats and a new book for them. I am grateful for my brother-in-law's father, who calls the girls and sings to them on each one of their birthdays. I am blessed to have the best home teacher ever, who loves each of us completely and comes over, dropping whatever he's doing, to help when asked. I'm grateful for worthy priesthood holders who gave our girls their school blessings this year. I am in awe of family who is once again coordinating and producing the second annual benefit concert this October in honor of Naki's life. I am grateful for all of my family, near and far, for their many prayers and thoughts in our behalf. I am blessed to have family who tries to financially help us while I am in school. I am thankful for any and all of the individuals who for the past two Christmases have charitably and anonymously made it possible for the girls to have Christmas. I am grateful to a sister who in the past contributed cleaning services for my household when I didn't have the energy to do anything, least of all cleaning. I am blessed to have had family willing to alter their lives to live with us just to help us. I am positive that I have missed many many people that I have gratitude for. Those are just a few of the instances that have blessed our lives since Naki's death. It is overwhelming to feel such love. I know that even though at times I feel so alone without Naki with me daily, the girlies and I are truly, truly, not alone. We love you all and are so immensely blessed by each and every one of you. Ultimately God is there for us, even if we can't feel it at times. Is there any way I could deny that knowledge, when I take a minute to see all that He has given me?

This morning I grabbed Eva to dance with her, cheek to cheek. She excitedly said, "Mom! Do the Tonga, Do the Tonga!" She meant Tango, but how cute that she so easily assumes and claims Tonga on non-Tongan things. It was so adorable.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, Lose said to me, "Mom, I can't remember what Daddy's voice sounds like." It about broke my heart, even though I knew a time like this would come. I was prepared. After she went to sleep last night I cued up one of the DVDs I had made of our home videos. This morning after scriptures I sent all the girlies upstairs to my room to spend a couple minutes watching it so they could hear their Daddy. Malia chose to stay downstairs with me. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and watch the video, and she said, "It's okay Mom. I still remember."

Then this morning I sent Eva and Boo out to the garage to go get in the car while I finished up a couple of last minute things in the house. They both came back inside, frustrated because they couldn't get the door open. I told them to go back outside and try reeeeeal hard, and to use their muscles, to which Boo said, "You mean use our muscles like Daddy's muscles?" I grinned and said "Yes! Just like Daddy's muscles." It amazes me when she says stuff like that, because how does she know that? I try and tell all of them things about their Dad all the time, and I guess she's listening.