The Surprise of the Day...in a good way

God knows me...very well. He must remember very clearly the summer of 2008 when I was around 8 months pregnant, trying desperately to teach Lose how to ride her bike. It was, ummm, one of my least lovely moments. She was an excellent balancer, but truly struggled to steer her bike. It seemed to steer her. Either it or she had a magnetic pull to any immovable object such as light poles, trees, fences, water fountains, cars, benches, etc. It didn't matter where she started from, she'd always end up running smack into one of the afore mentioned items. No matter how I tried, I couldn't convince her that she alone held her crashing destiny, or the lack of it, in her own hands by the simple task of steering. I think she ended up being so afraid of again running into one of those things that her eyes would automatically lock in on what she was trying to avoid and as a result she'd drive right into it. I'll never forget watching her little self get whiplashed, again, as she crashed into the cement block at the park that has a water fountain on the top. It was my final straw. Much to her shock, the other girlies' shock, all those park goer's shock, my own shock, and probably not Naki's shock when he was told later on what happened (he knows me too well to be truly shocked), I lost it. I actually picked up her bike and threw it as far as I could. Given my extremely pregnant circumstance, I'd score my bike shotput a '10', for sure. Distance alone was rather impressive. What wasn't impressive was the fact that I did it at all. I try, I really try, but I just do not have as much patience as I should, or as much as the girls require and deserve. Don't worry. She was not permanently scarred from the experience. I hope. She quickly remedied her directional issues and to this day is a fantastic bike rider. I still am ashamed of my irrational temper tantrum.

So to say that I was dreading the day when it would be time for Eli to learn how to ride her bike would be an understatement. Anyone remember my post earlier about those training wheels of hers? Maybe with an understanding of how much I truly wanted her to NOT be needing to be taught how to ride without them would explain a bit of my anger when I couldn't attach them to her bike earlier this year.

This afternoon I decided to again tackle those darn training wheels. Seriously. I'm super annoyed that I STILL didn't get them to tighten enough. What's the deal with this anyway? I know there are plenty of people I could ask to do this, but it seems so simple that I should absolutely be able to do this one alone, unassisted. As I felt the steam beginning to pour from my ears, Eli casually mentioned that I didn't need to worry. She didn't really want them on anyway. She just wanted to learn how to ride without them. She said it so confidently that I am positive she was too young to remember the bike episode of 2008 and didn't know how much I really DID NOT want to go through all of this again. Oh well, I figured. I couldn't avoid it forever. Might as well start now.

Wouldn't you know, with just a little bit of helpful tips and advice, that girl took off! She was so determined, and only fell a couple of times. But really, what a fun experience, especially after dreading it so much. It was such a great surprise. I can't say that I 'taught' her how to ride a bike. She somehow was able to take the tips I told her and immediately apply them. She was so so super excited. It seemed perfect that Lose would be watching the whole thing, cheering her own. Hopefully she wasn't sitting there thinking awful vengeful thoughts about her monster mother.

My favorite thing Eli said about all of this was at the softball fields tonight. She had wanted to bring her bike, but that would only bring out the snowball effect of everyone wanting to bring them. Not only do I not have the ability with the van to bring all the bikes, but then I REALLY wouldn't be able to keep track of them during the game. As she was unloading her scooter in the parking lot, she stood on it, gave a dramatic wobble for effect, and told me "Wow, Mom. I can hardly ride my scooter now that I can ride my bike so well." What a cutie.















I asked Eli to show us how happy she really felt, instead of just a posing smile. This last picture was the result...she's doing a "Yessss!" at the same time. Thank You God, for the miracle that both Eli and I needed.

Such A Lady

During dinner tonight, I was treated to some stimulating conversation, thanks to Lose.

Lose: Uuughh..
Mom: What's wrong, Lose?
Lose: Oh Nothing! I'm just trying to pull out a nose hair to see how loud it makes me scream.

Never sure what's going to come out of the mouth of that one.

I'm a Rebel

I'm not doing the dishes today. Any of them. Naki would be shocked at my rebelious act, I'm sure. I've always been the one to insist that new dishes will just accumulate tomorrow, and so it is much wiser to just do the dishes despite being tired. But in my new reality, some other things just take priority. And today, dishes is not on the list. Oh well.

Being Heard

About a week and a half ago there was an extreme switch in Eva's personality. It was so drastic that I noticed it immediately. It was as if she went to bed as one little girl and woke up a different girlie entirely. My sassy, sarcastic, funny, sensitive Eva has disappeared...temporarily, I'm sure. In her place is a girl who communicates either in tears with pouty words and pouty expressions or a girl with an extreme, volatile, explosive, and uncontrollable temper. I can't count the number of times she's pulled back her fist at me, as if to punch me, and can count the couple of times that she actually has. I also can't count how many times she screams into her pillow in one day (our remedy for letting someone who's angry get their anger out without hurting anyone). In one particular instance she was so mad she lifted our living room table off the floor, and it's not a small table. She slides in and out of pouty into angry very quickly, but there's never anything in between. She's started doing these shortly punctuated shouting/yelling outbursts, and has no tolerance for me if I can't understand what she's trying to tell me, which happens quite often since she doesn't speak her words these days, but is either crying them or yelling them. Her new catch phrase is "I want to go to bed", which we hear when she gets to the end of her fits. She's actually tired, and so lays on her bed to rest and calm down.

I've seen Eva like this before. It was the way she was immediately following Naki's death. She eventually worked through it then, and I'm hopeful she'll work through it again. Her therapist told me that her behavior shifts coincide with some shifts she's simultaneously made in her therapy. Apparently this entire time she's been going to therapy she's never used Naki in any of her play. She does family scenarios, but never name specific...just "He's the Dad, She's the Mom, and These are their kids" kind of thing. She finally, for the first time, picked up a boy doll and said, "This is my Dad, Naki", or pronounced "Noki", as Eva says it. And last week when I picked her up she couldn't wait to show me a picture she'd drawn. It was a picture of Naki dressed up as a spider. There was a rainbow and a mountain over the spider, and in her words, both were "filled with all the doctors". Her therapist was thrilled that Eva had chosen to actually draw Naki and refer to him directly. She wanted me to know that this was a HUGE step in her progress in therapy. So, all this behavior shifting that we're witnessing is not by chance. We just have to help her know that with us she's safe...safe enough to express her feelings and not keep them bottled up inside. Shortly after I noticed all the yelling she was doing, I wanted to talk to her about it. As I was tucking her into bed one night I asked her,

Me: Eva? Why are yelling so much these last couple of days?
Eva: Because. No one can hear me.
Me: What are you trying to say, sweetie?
Eva: I'm trying to say that I'm sad...I'm not happy.

I was so proud of her for the way she was able to put voice to the feelings she was experiencing. And I have to say I know the same exact emotion she was talking about. It is immensely frustrating to see normalcy around you when inside you feel broken and sad. Please. Please be patient with her as she's working through all these difficult emotions. She's loud, abrasive, rough, and agressive. But underneath it all I know she's still Eva.

I'm so backlogged with photos that I want and need to do posts for that I better get started on them. I will most likely repeat myself, saying or telling something that I already have. There's only so many brain cells left in this head of mine. But I wanted to give a shout out to Auntie Candy, my sis, for the time she spends cutting the hair of all of us Maile girls. There are quite a few of us, and she can zip through us like nothin, turnin out cuties everywhere she touches. When we were in Idaho over Spring Break in April, we set aside some much needed time for haircuts, and the girls had a blast. Thanks Davis Fam, for the pizza that was provided and the most excellent company. I could not believe how Harley, my niece, daughter of Elizabeth and Albert, just sat there on Liz's lap the entire night! Unbelievable, Harley.




















Everyone received trims, but Malia was the star of the night. She has been asking Naki and I for several years now to cut her hair short. We told her that we would love that, when she got a bit older and could take care of it all on her own. As much as that girl loves fashion, she loves even more to take any shortcut she can find. That doesn't work so good all the time, and we thought it best that she wait for a bit.

When she discovered that we'd be getting haircuts while we were visiting Idaho, she really, quite strongly, let me know her desire once again. This may seem like a simple thing to most, but for me it was quite complicated. Naki really wants his girlies to have long Polynesian hair. I really was fine either way. Now that he isn't here, I felt such pressure to make the appropriate decision and still be loyal to him as her father. I kept going back and forth in my mind, trying to figure out the right thing to do. I wanted to set a good precedent for all other requests that come my way, and felt that for some reason this particular request was quite important. I was reminded of something that our therapist mentioned to me about parenting that has forever changed the way I parent. He said that as a parent any time his kids make a request to him, he tries to say "Yes" as often as he possibly can. This way, when he actually says no, they more easily accept the "no" because of their understanding of the fact that he would say "Yes" if he could. He also mentioned that most of the time, when a parent says "No", it's because of the inconvenience it brings into their lives. That is totally me. I know that several times, when I've told the girls "no" about something, it's because of the inconvenience it brings into my life and my plans. Since then, I have really truly tried to say Yes as often as I possibly can.

I thought a lot about this new concept in regards to Malia's haircut request. I knew that I was worried about her ability to get ready on time every morning and the inconvenience that would bring into my already crunched morning routine. I also knew that Yes, Naki would most likely want Malia's hair to stay long, but he would also like his girls to never turn into teenagers, never leave home, and never look at a boy with stars in their eyes...all of which will inevitably happen. The fact of the matter was that I was here all alone to make this decision. I couldn't, as hard as I tried, make this decision with him. The decision belonged only to me. I alone would be the one dealing with her if she didn't get to do it, and I alone would be the one dealing with her if she did get to do it. As much as I wish he was here to do these things together, he isn't. It was time for me to make a tough parenting choice all on my own.

Of course, I said "yes".






It has been so rewarding to see her blossom with her new found independence of doing her own hair with her cute little blow dryer and flat iron. What an amazing thing...something so simple as a haircut had such potential to help this sweet girl, our Malia. She now, unprompted, rises every morning, hops in the shower, again unprompted, and gets her hair done in time to finish her morning chores before breakfast. Because it is important to her, it has motivated her in areas that we've been attempting to motivate her in for some time. I remember the many many times that after a frustrating morning of trying to get her to move, at ALL, I would turn to Naki and express to him my anxiety over the fact that Malia will never truly feel how much I love her, because I spend so much time nipping at her heels, trying to get her to do what she's supposed to. She likes to do things on her own time, just like her Daddy, which doesn't always work in my world. I like to think that even though I'm pretty confident Naki wouldn't have said "Yes", he's able to see the amazing ripple effect of my decision and is proud of me for going against what I know he would have wanted, as odd as that sounds. Those are some of my favorite memories of our marriage. The times when he would look at something I'd said or done that was not what he would have chosen, and was able to see the wisdom in my decisions and the lack of wisdom in what he would have chosen. Being on the receiving end of his approval feels like nothing else in the world. I bask in it. It is one of my most favorite feelings.

Thanks for the haircuts, Auntie Candy.

Father's Day. It's finally here. We made it through, not without a few bumps and bruises, but we did it. I have been preparing for this day for some time. Months ago I found a small wooden engraved box on some random website and knew it was perfect for Father's Day. I was able to engrave a message on the front from us to Naki, and had planned to have the girls do their normal cards or letters to Daddy, place them in there, and then put them on his grave. I also had planned to purchase special necklaces for them to get today, ones with a gold pendant with Naki's image engraved on the front. All except Eva loved them...she has issues with the chain I bought. I had strongly felt to do a special Family Home Evening lesson on Father's Day this past Monday, and followed through with that prompting. We were able to discuss then what I would have wanted to discuss today, and instead of only thinking and talking about it for one day, we've been able to think and talk about it for an entire week. We discussed how Jesus was separated from His Father for His entire life, but that did not mean that he was without His Father. They still communicated with one another just as the girls can always keep connected to their Dad through the Savior and Heavenly Father. Did it mean that he was any less important or loved than those whose Fathers were alive? Of course not. It did mean that he was blessed with a "Step-Father" of sorts, just like the girlies have their Uncles and Grandpas to watch and protect them like their Father would do if he were here. We were able to discuss qualities about Naki that make him so endearing to us, and how we have been blessed to be eternally connected to him. I gave the girls all week long to think about what they either wanted to write or draw for Daddy, and left the box in the living room all week for them to put their papers in as they finished them. I was so impressed that they each individually throught through what they wanted to do and then did it without any prompting or reminder from me. I now know that the prompting I had was indeed Heaven sent, as Eva came down with an extreme fever yesterday morning. I NEVER would have been able to get everything ready for this first Father's Day without Naki while taking care of her yesterday and today. She had been complaining that her ear hurt her, and then around 10 am just fell asleep. I was worried a bit yesterday afternoon, since I had already given her Motrin an hour earlier and her fever still read almost 103. She now knows for sure that she doesn't like cold baths! It worked though, and she was able to sleep through last night, being woken for her periodic medicine doses. She is still feverish today, and is now complaining at meal time. She tries to drink or eat, but is clutching at her throat and quickly gives up. Yesterday she drank quite a bit, but then burped quickly after. She started screaming uncontrollably, and it took me a minute to calm her down. "What's wrong?" I asked her. She, between sobs, exclaimed that she was going to die. What? I asked her again to make sure I heard her correctly, and this time she said that she wanted to die. She is pretty sure that she'd rather be with Daddy then feeling like she does. I assured her that burping never killed anyone, and that she'd be just fine. This calmed her down, and now every time she burps after she drinks, she quickly glances towards me with the beginning of panic in her eyes, to which I again reassure her that it's okay to burp...she'll survive each and every one. Now that I think about it, I think she might have strepp and that it hurts her throat to burp. I'm going to try and take her in to the doctor tomorrow and check just to be sure. We'll see...

As a result of her feeling ucky, we didn't go to church today. I had considered letting the big girls go and sit with the family we usually sit beside, but I thought it just might be a bit cruel to send them to church on their 1st Father's Day since Naki died without all of us. So instead we all stayed home, trying to have a peaceful day. It kinda happened. I do know that it was success because we endured it, but in Line's words..."This was the weirdest Father's Day we've ever had". Well, weird or not, we made it through it. I also know that Naki is so touched by his brother Junior today. He started his day by bringing breakfast over to our house, just as he did for Mother's Day. It has meant so much to me that he has taken the time to spread himself thin between his family AND ours. The night before Mother's Day, I was taken by surprise by my desire to feel that I was not forgotten by my Husband and best friend. Now logically I know he'd never forget me, but I also logically know that he isn't here to make me feel special like he's always done. That's been harder for my self confidence than I'd anticipated, and I was shocked as I was falling asleep the night before Mother's Day and was praying, to find myself asking for some way to know that Naki was thinking of me. Imagine my surprise to find Junior, on my doorstep the next morning, with breakfast already cooked and ready for the girls and I to eat. He told me he'd felt Naki asking him to do that for us, just as Naki would have done had he still been alive. It was such a touching moment for me, and I'm so grateful to Junior for listening to a prompting for something I didn't even know I'd needed until it was too late to ask for it. So thank you for breakfast on Mother's Day, and today, Father's Day.

After enjoying our breakfast the girls had a PlayDough Marathon. They hadn't played with it for quite a while, so it was like the first time all over again. I watered all the plants outside and discovered my sprinklers hadn't been going off like I'd thought, and investigated that a bit. Yardwork has always fallen into my category of duties instead of Naki's, and I enjoy it most of the time. He would do it when he could, but going to school, working more than one job, fulfilling church callings, and being a Dad can keep a guy busy. I was home with the girls, so why not do it? It bugged him that he couldn't do it like he wanted to and would get to it if he was ever home, but it was something I could do to help him out with his heavy load. What a surprise to find I kinda liked it! Call me weird, but I like seeing the lines in the grass when I mow just as much as I like seeing the lines in the carpet when I vaccuum inside. I had him teach me last year how to edge the lawn, and although I don't do as good of a job as he does, I at least can get the job done. So needless to say I was a bit perterbed to see that there were dry patches in the lawn. I was able to discover the source of my problems for the dry patches...it's the deck. Our new little patio that we're all in love with covers the sprinklers that normally hit the portions of my grass that are drying out. Good news is, I've made plans for putting stamped cement under there instead of grass and it should be happening soon! When it does, we'll move those sprinklers out and make sure all the plants and grass that I so love are getting their fair share of "drinks". This darn desert I live in. I remember coming out to Idaho to go to college and seeing these huge sprinkler systems on farms and even in people's yards. What in the heck are those huge contraptions?, I thought. We never watered our lawn in Pennsylvania, and it did just fine. Humidity does wonders for all things green when you live in a place that keeps your skin covered in a coat of sweat all summer long. Out here we must be vigilant in our watering or else we have dead grass. Naki finally got on a good schedule of fertilizing the lawn last year. He always was so proud of the yard when it was looking good and green. That is one thing I haven't started doing yet...the weed and feed. Eventually. For now Naki's Dad does it for me. I tried once when I first started doing the yard and I've never lived down that fact that I made our yard look like a checkerboard of sorts...it looked awful and it was so embarrassing to admit that I had been the one to do it. Someday I'll get the courage to do that on my own. Until then I'll continue to let Dad do it. Besides, it gives me an extra excuse to have Grandpa around. We sure love him.

Malia was in charge of the Play Dough clean up since it was her idea to get it out. Once all was back in order we left to have lunch at the cemetary. Once we arrived I realized that I'd forgotten to bring flowers. The girls and I have taken to cutting flowers from in our yard, and taking those to Naki. I can't explain it, but it feels more connected to bring him something that was here, at our house, than at the grocery store. So lately we've just been cutting flowers from here when we go...not only to his grave, but to others that we visit. We turned right around and came back for the flowers. I cut roses off of a shrub that I just bought and havn't even planted yet! The girls hollered to me as I grabbed my scissors and started looking for which flowers to get, "Find the prettiest ones, Mom!". So I had to use those ones. We had the idea to make a smiley face out of them, and as time went on I found the girlies adding decorations to the face to make it Dad. The pieces of Elm leaves are his eyebrows, and someone found a stick and broke it in pieces to make his hair.

They each wore shirts to honor Dad today.


And here they are holding up their pendants.


I tried to take a close up, but the battery died. But here's Boo with hers on, plus a necklace she grabbed out of my jewelry that she insisted she had to wear today.

We came home for naps, which by this point were MUCH needed. I'm always surprised how time flies so fast when we're up at the cemetary. It always seems like we've only been there for a little bit, but when we actually get in the car we've been there WAY longer than I thought. Eva, feverish and all, was such a good sport. I couldn't NOT go there, just because she wasn't feeling well. It didn't seem right no matter what I tried to figure in my head. I couldn't not go at all. That didn't seem fair to the other girls. And I couldn't not take her. That wasn't fair to her to not be there nor would it have been fair to whomever I would have asked to sit with a feverish and angry little girl. That's not a very pleasant combination, I have to say. In her fitfull sleep all she does is say his name over and over, and during her cold bath she just kept screaming his name, yelling at me while splashing me, and let me know in her special way that she would have MUCH rather had him there than me. So, I decided to just go, sick Eva and all, and hope for the best. It was stunningly beautiful up there. The breeze was strong but not too strong, the sun was warm but not too warm, and the girls were crazy but not too crazy...mostly. I just can't wait for Naki's headstone to get done. I ordered it what seems like forever ago, and now that I've done it every time we go there I can see it in my head, and want to see it there in the ground instead. I think it will be so good for the girls to have it there, a visual for all of us. I overheard Eva telling some random person the other day in the store that her Dad is taking a nap in the grass. I don't know how she pieces things together. She never saw him in the casket, so I don't know how she equated being dead with sleeping. And I'm impressed that she was able to put together the fact that him, in some sort of half way, is there at the cemetary. Looking at the pictures as I'm posting them I realize that I should take a picture looking the opposite direction. We're at the very top of the cemetary with nothing behind us, but looking down the other direction you can see the entire cemetary. It's quite beautiful.

We finished our day by delivering treats to the other Fathers in our lives. I feel badly that I didn't bake. I hardly ever bake anymore. Auntie Ginny's been filling in for me, what with all the Banana bread that girlie makes and cookies and such. But I wanted to take something to the girls' uncles and Grandpa. So, we made a couple of Tootsie Pop bouqets and headed off on our deliveries. I wish I'd taken a picture of it, but Malia made the sweetest little gift for Grandpa. It was the first of many things like this, I'm sure, but in her little Activity Days group the girls wanted to make something for their Dads for Fathers Day. Sweet Malia faced it courageously and decided to make something instead for her Grandpa. It was the cutest idea! They took two styrofoam cups and taped them bottom to bottom, shaped kinda like an hour glass, and then taped those on top of an empty formula can. Then they spraypainted the whole thing silver, and put a title on the front, like a trophy. Malia wrote on hers something along the lines of, "To the Dad of the Best Dad". We put treats in the empty formula can and flowers in the top empty painted styrofoam cup. It was super cute and truly, I was so proud of her for thinking on the spot of what to do in place of making it for Naki. After we delivered it we stayed and visited with Grandpa for a while, and brought in the home video we'd been watching in the car. It turned out to be quite a treat, as we stumbled upon the recording of Naki's BYU Graduation. It's always so bittersweet for me to see and hear him. I get so excited, and then I get so sad, all at the same time. What a nuisance. But, it was perfect timing, and not coincidental for sure. I needed to get Eva home, and left the DVD with Grandpa to finish watching, since Grandma was working.

I admit, I broke down on the way home. Whenever I do this it always catches the girls so off guard. They're just not quite sure what to do, and I know it scares them somewhat. If Mom doesn't have it together, then what?. I truly made tear soup tonight, except it was tear meatballs. I always feel badly when I break down in front of the girls, although I also feel like it's good for them to see someone grieving in a healthy way. It puts everyone on guard, and I almost wish I didn't feel guilty about it because it's the best behaved they ever are! Everyone always minds their p's and q's when Mom's upset. But I know they're also scared, and so I try to do it too often. Or at least cry with a smile and a hug. Try doing that...it's quite difficult. But it reassures them that even though I'm sad I'm still okay.

As I sit here writing the details of the day, I'm reminded of what calmed me down today when I was upset this evening. I tried to remind myself that yes, having these kinds of days for the rest of my life seems so miserable, hopeless, burdensome, depressing, and dark and watching my girls experience this feels even worse than all those things. But this earthly time spent alive without Naki isn't the "rest of my life". It's just a currently-miserable-but-hopefully-not-miserable-forever learning period that will someday lead me and the girls to what will truly be the "rest of our lives". Then, the girls, Naki, and I will be able to celebrate endless Father's Days. Having celebrated so very many of them without him will only make those future ones that much sweeter to us, I'm sure. Happy Father's Day, Baby.

I'm going to bed. I hate going to bed alone and it depresses me to think that I will be doing this for the rest of my life. I just want to feel him laying beside me, tuck my right foot under the back of his knee, and wrap my hands through his arm while I sleep, exactly like I have since we first met. Sleeping alone stinks.