I'm not sure where to start. It's quiet. I just finished having a "late night", as we call them around here, with Lose and Eli. Those two stinkers are hilarious. Of all things, they picked to watch Free Willy and eat chocolate ice cream shakes together while everyone else had to go to bed. Line and Malia have been able to go to two separate places lately and those two weren't invited to come along, which just about killed them. I told them I would try and make it up to them by allowing them to stay up late AFTER their big sisters had to go to bed. Oooohh...did they ever love that. They kept rubbing it in all evening, counting down the amount of time until their big sisters had to go to bed. I was excited myself. I never get to spend isolated time with them like that. Usually it's Line and Malia up with me after all the littles go down at night, and it was a treat to be able to cuddle up with Lose and Eli tonight. Lose's such a conundrum. She will do anything for a treat, but half the time once she'd earned it she doesn't actually want it. As I was making the shakes she begged for the cup with the "most" in it, but as Eli and I slurped away, she sipped once or twice and then took her cup upstairs and set it in the sink. What a funny girl. She has been struggling all over the place. After more breakdowns than I could keep track of once school was out, I decided that this girlie was going to nap. I knew she'd buck at the concept of a big 1st Grade graduate like herself having to nap with the little kids, but it has saved us. I can always tell when they need extra rest. If they can nap in the middle of the day and still go to sleep when it's time for bed, then naps it is. Plus, she is still asleep in the morning when it's time to get up. I talked to her therapist about it, and no surprise that it matches what she's working through in her sessions. For a long time she avoided her new reality. She's beginning to face it head on, and I can tell it's exhausting her. It was so much fun being able to focus my love and attention on those two girls. They are so deserving of it and I feel that in the business and efficiency involved with all this single parenting stuff that I don't give them all that they need. They are so sweet, sassy, sincere, and yearning for love that I'm trying to hard to give them. What cuties.

I discovered several months back that my ability to feel in control of my grieving emotions lessens severely every 28 days or so, if you get my drift. My hormone shift once a month stirs up everything that I thought was settled, and it makes me feel all amuck and as if I had never made any progress within myself and within my relationship with God. Having said that, I have been pleasantly surprised these past two months when there was no rocking of the boat. I survived both monthly hormonal shifts with what I assumed, must be my new found maturity and growth I'd acquired as a widow and a daughter of God trying to seek her Father and understand His will for her. Thhbbbt. (That's me sticking my tongue out and spitting on such a foolish notion.)

I. Am. A. Mess! this month. And it's been gradually building up within me for about two and a half weeks. I've felt myself slipping in my ability to counteract my negative thoughts with a positive one, and today I completely fell off the "Cliffs of Insanity". (Can anyone name the movie that comes from?) Seriously though, today was it. All of the thoughts that I've had ever since Naki died all came crashing on top of me like a ton of rocks...the ones of fear, sorrow, self-pitying, abandonement, you name it, I've thought it today. I tried to remind myself of all the amazing lessons I'd learned in the past 8 months, but none of them could lift me. I have one thought that is my least favorite. I'm ashamed to admit it outloud. It is completely illogical, and makes no sense whatsoever. But in my downest of moments I feel completely abandoned by Naki, whom I know would never abandon me. Why can't I feel him near? Why don't I sense him in anything at all? It is the worst feeling. On my good days I am able to remind myself that some people have lingering connections with their deceased, and some don't. I'm just one of those that don't. But on my worst days, I am unable to feel reminded of anything other than the fact that my husband is gone, and I want nothing else than to feel something of him. Anything. And yet I do not.

I had the saddest experience yesterday. The girls' elementary school qualifies somehow for a program that provides free breakfast and lunch to children 18 and under during a couple of weeks of the summer. Yesterday we were there for lunch and sat at the first available seats we could find...it was pretty busy. While trying to peel 17 oranges, open three milk cartons and three straws to match, two bags of chips, and keep Ane from falling off the lunch table all at the same time, I overheard Eli talking to a little girl whom, as far as I know, we'd never met before. She randomly said,

"Yeah, my dad died. He said he'd never leave us, but he did. He promised us, but he didn't keep his promise. My mom says that he didn't do it on purpose, but he left us. He's dead. He's Polynesian."

I felt so sad, listening to her say things that are obviously on her mind, since they're spilling out of her mouth to complete strangers. I felt equally sad, that even though logically she and I both know that he didn't "do it on purpose", we still blame him for something completely out of his control. I've learned that it's a completely commonplace and acceptably normal thought process, to have the need to work through those feelings of being tricked, having promises broken, and feeling left behind. But I havn't yet learned if it ever goes away. I thought it would lessen, but look at us! It's still here, dispite our very best efforts to move past them. My therapist told me that it's like trying to glue a broken heart together instead of letting it heal on it's own. There is no forcing it to a place before it's ready to be there.

I know for certain that one of the reasons for my decline was a meeting I had with a financial advisor two weeks ago. I discovered the amount of time that I had until I had to start working was shorter than I had originally thought. Ane won't be in school yet, and I am so frustrated and angered at the entire prospect of not staying at home with her that it makes me want to spit nails. Not only am I grieving the loss of my husband and my children's father, but to an extent I'm also grieving the loss of his wife and his children's mother. I am having the roles I've always dreamed of playing stolen from me, and I'm pissed as hell about it. It has sent me into a tailspin of trying to figure out what exactly I should be doing to support this sweet family. Trust me when I say I have been ALL over the map about it. I have tons more research to do before I make a final decision, but c'mon. Let's face it. There's a reason I never finished school. It's because I didn't know what to do then either! All I ever wanted to do was be a mom. Seriously. This sucks...sucks, sucks, sucks.

As I talked about it in therapy, my feelings were validated by my therapist. Of course I have good reason to be angry! Of course I have good reason to feel robbed of all I've ever wanted to do. However, I was given a much needed gentle reminder of how blessed I have been. Without all of the generous gifts of our friends, family, and complete strangers, I would never have been able to stay at home AT ALL. There are many women who have regretfully found themselves in my position as widow, and needed to start working almost immediately. I was reminded that I had been given an enormous gift, and it would do me well to remember it. It has helped me to have that perspective. I could not imagine having had to leave the girls with others when the pain was so new and raw just to go to work. I have indeed been blessed.

Another reason for my spiral downward came because of a simple concert. A concert that Naki would have LOVED to attend. There were several people that were going, and I of course was invited to go along, but couldn't bring myself to go. Everyone there, well, almost everyone there, was paired off in couples. Talk about a third wheel. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't go and be the one alone. It has been the most painful thing for me! Not because of this one concert, but because it's reminded me of all the things that I will not get to go to with him that we both always wanted to, and of all the times that I will be forced to make the decision to either go and be the third wheel, or not go and stay home alone. To me it's a lose lose situation, with no solution. I have talked to my therapist about this, too. (Seriously! What do people do without therapy?!) He told me that what I was experiencing was one of the reasons people in my situation remarry. Remarriage in a situation like mine has been something that I just have not been able to understand. How could anyone so in love, move on to someone else just because they're lonely? Well, not that I have ANY plans of remarriage, but having experienced a tip of the loneliness, I can understand others' need to remedy it. Personally, I'd rather be lonely than be with anyone other than Naki. But at least I can understand others a bit more through my experiences. I wonder if the loneliness completely goes away. Sure, you're not alone, but wouldn't you still feel a bit alone without someone you loved so much? Hmm...I wonder.

The pool we swim in every year has finally opened! All of us around here are very excited about that, since it's the focal point of our entire summer. Without it we'd wither in the heat and not know what to do with ourselves. I have been both excited about it opening and dreading it. Naki is the fish of this family. He has taught the first four girls how to swim and was starting to teach Eva at the end of last summer. He also human rockets the girls off his shoulders, let's them stand on his upraised arms like little cheerleaders and then drops them in the water, plays racing games in the pool imitating the sound of the olympic starting beeping sound, and much much more. Me? I sit on the side, dangle my toes in the water, sunbathe while watching the baby playing on the side of the pool, pass out snacks when necessary, and take kiddos potty when needed. It would be completely appropriate to say that I am angry with the change in the pool arrangements caused by Naki's death. I do not WANT to teach the other kids to swim, but must continue his efforts. I do not WANT to play in the pool. It is not refreshing to me. Even on the hot days, I feel cold and don't like how my hair dries when I get out. I'm aware that it makes me look strange to admit this outloud, but I don't care. I like to dive in now and then to cool off, but then like to climb out and sunbathe. On the rare occasion that I would stay in the water, it was only to cuddle and hang on to Naki for a while. I'm shameless...I'll take any opportunity that I can. Of course, it would only last very briefly since he's not a man for public displays of affection. But other than those times I was happy to be on the dry part of the swimming pool. Needless to say, things have changed. It's time to start coaching myself mentally in this area of my new life as well as all the other areas, to convince myself that I can do it, and that I might even enjoy it and learn something new about myself... Blah blah blah...

This past Wednesday evening we were finished swimming and I was working on collecting all our goggles, diving rings, and diving sticks when I noticed one on the bottom right in the middle of the deep end. Naki used to get those for me. I asked Line, who was still in the water, to go and grab it for me. What started out as a simple question turned into the shrieking moment of Amiron Pool history. Line will hate that I write this for others to read, but I only write it because I wanted to share what I learned from it. She was convinced that 1. it was too deep for her, which I knew that it was not since she touches the same depth, but on the side of the pool, every time we swim, 2. I was sending her to her death since she had learned last summer that they'd installed a safety on the pump located under a vent cover in the deep end, which would shut off if anyone's hair was sucked through and was being held onto the vent cover by the pressure of the pump, 3. That she would rather NEVER swim again if I didn't make her go down there. She asked me multiple times to hold her, hug her, but no matter what she would not stop shrieking, crying uncontrollably, and in general freaking out. I tried to remind her that such behavior was just not conducive to holding your breath, and that if she wanted to go home anytime soon she needed to cut it out. Now, I am Line's mother. I've been her mother for a while now, and know her pretty well. She's been somewhat dramatic since the day she was born, somewhat being the exaggeration of the century, and I've learned how to handle her in these situations. I knew that she HAD to do it now, just to teach herself what she was actually capable of. The more she fed herself the thoughts that she was incapable, the more she believed it. I was trying to talk to her and tell her that the more she told herself she COULD do it, the more she would believe that, instead. Wouldn't you know it, while I wasn't paying attention some little boy took the skimmer and skimmed it right off the bottom, walked over to me, and handed it to me. Good grief...that was not what I wanted. So I thanked him, and tossed it right back in the water. I KNEW she could do it, and we weren't going anywhere until she knew it. As I knew she would, eventually she calmed herself down and went right down to the bottom like the little fish's daughter that she is, and came back triumphant on the first dive. Later that night she came and apologized to me. She even admitted to me that all the shrieking and wailing had been for attention...the little bugger. It made me look like the meanest parent alive, but since when did I care what other people thought of me? I was confident in what I knew needed to happen, and that's all that mattered. The whole situation was, however, another ingredient in my downward spiral. In the past, even if Naki hadn't been there, I'd have been able to commiserate with him and he'd have been able to tell Line how ridiculous she'd been acting. Even she told me that Dad would have laughed at her outrageous behavior. But not being able to confirm with her Dad that I had in fact done the right thing made me question what I'd never questioned before. I hate being the only bad guy, the only good guy, the only discipliner, the only rewarder, the only live parent. It feels so burdensome, and you never have anyone there to back you up, to correct you, to comfort you, or to reassure you. All of the feelings I'd felt about the swimming pool in addition to my feelings about my parenting weighed me down.

As I drove home from the temple this morning crying, and really crying more today than I have in some time, I reflected quite a bit on Line's triumph over her swimming pool deep end woes. I realized that I truly believed what I had told her. She desperately, in that moment, needed to feed her soul thoughts of encouragement, confidence, optimism, and faith in order to triumph over her thoughts of self doubt, anxiety, and insecurity. I would do well, in my moments of despondency, to remember what she told me. Later in the evening I asked her what had been able to calm her down and she responded, "Mom, I said a prayer". Simple as that. Thanks for teaching me, girlies.

No Limits

Today was magnificent. We celebrated my nephew's high school graduation today. For some, this means a little get together, some visiting, maybe a game or two, and calling it good. For my Maile family, this means starting cooking at the park in the wee hours of the morning, snacking a bit on the nummy food as they cook. It means that we just had to get over to the park and play with all the cousins as soon as possible while the cooking continued. There were donuts for breakfast munchies, playground games and sliding/swinging, tree climbing, roller blading, skooters and bicycles, softball games, massages, lunch snacks, and families just hanging out as the morning moved into the afternoon. I eventually had to run the two littles home for naps while I showered, and then quickly headed back over to discover that water fights had occurred during my absence. The official party started soon after, where there was more hanging out together, eating, and tons more playing, including volleyball games, and lots more softball. Of course, we got hungry after all that playtime and so then nibbled just a bit more. Eventually, as the sun begins to set clean up and round up of all the things scattered around from the fun day begins. Everyone is dirty, giggly, sometimes whiney, but always happy. It just doesn't get any better.













Being with this amazing family, I know I've mentioned before, is the best thing for us. It feels the most whole to me. It's the closest I ever feel to Naki...ever. Without him on a daily basis feels to me like I'm a cup that no matter how hard I try I can never fill up to the top. When I'm surrounded by all of my Maile family it feels like my cup is filling up...never to the top, but filling up some.

I've been somewhat frustrated since Naki died that despite how soothing it feels to have this time with them, after everyone leaves and goes home I actually end up feeling worse, or my cup even less empty, than I did before we got together. I realized this evening why that is. When all my in-laws go home, they all go home with a tangible piece of that Maile pie with them. I, do not. Before, when we'd all depart from some fun-filled time spent together, Naki and I would come home together and, as corny as this sounds, glory in such amazing time spent as a family. We would unwind by discussing the different conversations we'd held with different family members throughout the day, fill each other in on something the other didn't know about what any particular child may have said or done, laughed as we recalled a funny moment, or just enjoyed sitting side by side relaxing after getting all the dirty children cleaned and in their beds. Those times after our Maile family get togethers is what I'm missing. Without it I feel such a let down after such precious and enjoyable time spent with my family. It doesn't seem to me to be the appropriate emotion after feeling it's complete opposite just minutes or hours before. Tonight I discovered a new habit of mine, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I realized that during that missing Naki unwind time I've felt the urge to text his brothers and sisters to tell them just a snipet of what I'd usually be telling him...a really small snipet, but a snipet just the same. So guys, sorry for always texting you after every get together to gush over all of you just to tell you how much I adore each and every one of you. But you mean everything to me, and by answering those texts you've helped, once again, to lessen some of the pain that I feel in missing my Baby.

Tonight as I was struggling I was praying to God and then talking to Naki. I just wanted to relieve some of my frustration to them both. All the pressure and stress of his absence came weighing down on me. The idea entered my mind and heart to sit down and read the scriptures. I do this all the time, but usually my free reading time at night I try and read some of the gospel study books I have, or really, any of the material I'm constantly combing over since Naki died. But despite how much I wanted to read those things, the thought just came to me very quietly yet resolutely, read the scriptures.

Okay. I can do that...if I could just stop crying long enough to see what's written, that is. Since Naki died I've been using his scriptures to read at night. It's amazing all the cross references and notes he has in there. I love reading what he's written. It helps me feel connected to him. He has all these sticky notes throughout his scriptures because there's just not room enough for him to write all of his amazing notes in the margins. :) I sat down and started reading, just randomly picking a spot. I'd been reading for several minutes, not really sure why I had felt so calm about the fact that I should sit down and read this very minute, when I turned the page to continue. I discovered a new sticky note, which was strange since I thought I had seen them all. Usually there is an outline to these notes, but this one is scripture references starting at the top and circling around the edges. But written smack dab in the center of it, he wrote these words. "DON'T LIMIT GOD!!", underlined twice. I couldn't believe it. I knew instantly as I read those words, that the impact they had on me in that precise moment was the exact reason I was supposed to have been reading my scriptures tonight. Both Naki and God were able to give me a slight chastising to all the griping I had been doing just moments before...how lovely. Two fer one. How perfect. But the truth in that statement I can not deny. God is limitless, and I would be better for remembering it in my down moments like these.

Is the time ever going to come that the girls won't wake up in the middle of the night calling out "Daddy" while crying in their sleep? It breaks my heart. And yet, I hope the time never comes that they aren't always thinking of him. Yesterday when I put Eli to bed she was so upset. We had just returned from some family softball games and earlier we had been talking about how the girls had one day of school left. She cried to me, "Dad is never going to come back...he's going to miss summer and everything!". I reminded her that we just don't know the Lord's timing, but we know for sure that we will see Dad, even if that means we have to live many many summers without him.

Butt Divot

Since Naki died I've continued to sleep on my side of the bed. I havn't been able to bring myself to scoot over and use the whole bed. It just doesn't feel right or natural, after having slept on the right side of the bed since we were married. As a result of not having his body there to balance things out, I've begun to notice quite the butt divot spot where I sit and read and then go to sleep every night. I considered titling this post "butt crater", but I think 'divot' is much more generous and sweet sounding. I really need to rotate and flip my mattress, but Naki and I used to do that kinda thing together. There's no way I can man this monster mattress by myself. I know there are plenty of people who can and would help me if I asked, but I just haven't wanted to take the step and do one other thing that we normally would have done together with someone else. I'm sure I'll do it sooner or later, but for now it's gonna be later.

So last night I decided to be real brave and sleep on Naki's side of the bed...trying to even things out and all...What a joke. Literally. You should have seen me. I couldn't figure out which way to dangle my foot off the edge, almost whacked my head on his nightstand several times, and got all tangled up throughout the night. Eva was extremely confused when she made her foray up to my bed in the middle of the night, and for a minute seemed to not be able to figure out where she actually was. I was in her spot! The best part was when my alarm went off to wake me up in the morning. I have issues with alarms...why would I like something that forces me to stop sleeping? I am never able to be on time for my day if I set my alarm for when I actually want to be awake. So I set it for 27 minutes early. (My snooze button is for 9 minutes.) This allows me to "sleep in" for 27 minutes as I slowly wake up. I have trained myself to whip those covers off and jump out of bed pretty fast in order to stop the annoying screeching my alarm makes. My normal cover whipping was hilarious in it's altered state this morning...I was on the left side of the bed, and kept trying to get out towards the middle of the bed, resulting in my covers all wonky in the end. It was hilarious in my mind's eye, and must have looked quite odd and confusing to anyone watching. Maybe Naki got a good chuckle out of it. I love making him laugh. If he thought I was funny, it made me feel like I was the best comedian ever.

THICK

This morning we were driving in the car and Eli noticed that when she looked at me in the rear view mirror she could see double...you know, where it looks like the driver's shoulders are at the same place their mouth is? We all giggled about how weird this must look, and moved on in our conversation.

A couple of minutes later, Eli pronounced from the backseat, "Mom, you're thick!", to which I replied, "Thank you, Eli". This being thick isn't a new thing for me, and definitely isn't an insult as some women would take it to be. I take pride in my thickness, thank-you-vurry-much. Naki taught me well. The other girls weren't as pleased with her pronouncement, so I asked her, "What does thick mean, Eli?". She held up her hands, palms together, and had her hands almost touching. Oh..."Do you mean thin"? "Yeah! You're thin, Mom..."

No woman would shy away from such a compliment, no matter how content they are with their thickness.

Eli, the JoySchool Graduate, and my Surprise of the Day

I can't believe that I have yet another Joy School graduate living in my house with me! They are by far, Joy School graduates that is, some of the best little people I have ever met. Tonight was Eli's Joy School graduation, and it was just perfect. Due to the lovely MAY snowfall that we had today, we ended up indoors. Before the big night began, while we were still home I noticed things warming up a bit outside, and was determined to get my new backyard tree in the ground. We, Dad, Jr, and Misi and I, had tried to make way with digging the hole on Saturday, but decided the ground could use a dang good soaking. We weren't getting anywhere with that hard rock filled ground. Imagine my surprise when the water was still sitting in that dang hole even after the snow fall today. Seriously. All rocks in this Orem ground. Someone shoulda warned me last year before I decided to plant 7 trees total since last fall! I probably woulda done it anyway. That halfway dug hole was calling my name all weekend. So while Line bathed Ane, Malia bathed Eva, and Eli and Lose bathed themselves for the big graduation night, I headed out with my shovel and a lot of determination. I now have 3 mega blisters on my right hand and something is wrong with my actual hand...I can't grip things like I should be able to. But I did it! It's in the ground, and tomorrow I'm gonna finish covering it with some nice bark. Yay! A tree to shade, hopefully within the next 5 years, the swingset. I was so excited about it, only to have Malia tell me, "Mom, by the time it's actually shading the swingset I'll be 12 and probably won't be swinging anymore." To which I replied, "That's fine. Then I'll be the one to pull the hammock under the tree and relax in the shade with a nice book...". She quickly realized her error of thinking, and now has big plans, as do all of them, for sitting in the future shade of our back yard. Grow tree, grow!

Eli picked out her dress for her big night, and did her hair all by herself. That's her thing these days...doing her own hair. Lose, too. And actually, Eli's been doing Ane's and Eva's hair for them, if they sit still long enough for her elaborate plans. It's too cute. I'll have to take pictures of some of her creations. Here she is with some of her JoySchool group from this year.

I knew that I would have a time of it trying to video, take pictures, and corrall Ane and Eva all by myself, so I gave the job of videotaping to Malia...should be interesting to watch. And I gave the job of photographing to Line. She quickly grew frustrated that she couldn't catch Eli not moving. I personally like these ones the best.



Eli was such a big girl with JoySchool this year. After her Daddy died she really struggled with being anywhere I wasn't. She had to overcome that fear on a weekly basis, and I am so happy for her that she was able to make it through the whole year. The Joy School moms were so understanding, and had more than their fair share of screeching and pawing after me walking out the door, and they never once complained about it. See how happy this little face is? She's happy because she's proud of herself for making it through despite her pain. She told me so...



I followed the example of another JoySchool family and decided it was a great opportunity to take a family photo. I knew that yes, I'd rolled up my mud covered jeans from digging my tree's new home, and yes, I hadn't showered that day since we started out the day with an 8:00 am dentist visit, and yes, some of the girlies didn't want to be in the picture. But, these opportunities are too fleeting, and especially pictures of us together.

It hurts to see what's so obviously not there...which brings me to my surprise of the day. As I was gathering the girlies to leave, I walked past all the daddies standing in a circle visiting with one another. That in and of itself didn't catch me off guard. It was seeing one of the Dads standing there, so nonchalantly holding his 5 month old in his arm like an extra appendage. His stance reminded me of the same way I've seen Naki stand a million times, and it was shocking to not see him standing there, holding one of ours and visiting with his friends. I had to catch my breath, and remind myself that these moments are surprising, but are also a blessing. I hadn't thought of that image of him for some time, and it was a gift for me to see him in my memory so clearly at a time when I'm struggling to remember images of him that used to be so commonplace.

I know that all you JoySchool Moms aren't going to be complete fans of this picture, but I had to put it here in my journal, to always remember the angels that God gave me at this impossible time in my life. These ladies made it possible for me to focus on surviving instead of worrying about teaching this year, or even removing Eli from Joy School all together. I will forever remember that gift that they have given to me. Their kindness inspires me to someday give the gift of kindness to others in a similar way. I love each and every one of them for loving me and Eli so very much this Joy School year.

My Personal Greenhouse

All of this is inside my house and my garage...









...because of all of this.




On the way home from the dentist this morning the girls and I saw SO many trees with broken branches, some huge sections of the trees missing. It took me a minute to make the connection, but I rushed home as soon as I could to check on my baby trees planted just last fall. They really needed me. Although I admit to acting without thinking, not uncommon for me, I ran up to each tree and grabbed it's trunk and shook hard to get all the snow off of their sweet little baby branches. Yes, I got several snow showers. When I got back in the car, Eva exclaimed that I was too wet to be in there. Hey. At least those little trees were saved. The maple beside my house on the east side still hasn't popped back up straight, but nothing's snapped and so I'm hoping that it'll recover. The snow doesn't seem to be bothering these two monkeys.