No Limits

Today was magnificent. We celebrated my nephew's high school graduation today. For some, this means a little get together, some visiting, maybe a game or two, and calling it good. For my Maile family, this means starting cooking at the park in the wee hours of the morning, snacking a bit on the nummy food as they cook. It means that we just had to get over to the park and play with all the cousins as soon as possible while the cooking continued. There were donuts for breakfast munchies, playground games and sliding/swinging, tree climbing, roller blading, skooters and bicycles, softball games, massages, lunch snacks, and families just hanging out as the morning moved into the afternoon. I eventually had to run the two littles home for naps while I showered, and then quickly headed back over to discover that water fights had occurred during my absence. The official party started soon after, where there was more hanging out together, eating, and tons more playing, including volleyball games, and lots more softball. Of course, we got hungry after all that playtime and so then nibbled just a bit more. Eventually, as the sun begins to set clean up and round up of all the things scattered around from the fun day begins. Everyone is dirty, giggly, sometimes whiney, but always happy. It just doesn't get any better.













Being with this amazing family, I know I've mentioned before, is the best thing for us. It feels the most whole to me. It's the closest I ever feel to Naki...ever. Without him on a daily basis feels to me like I'm a cup that no matter how hard I try I can never fill up to the top. When I'm surrounded by all of my Maile family it feels like my cup is filling up...never to the top, but filling up some.

I've been somewhat frustrated since Naki died that despite how soothing it feels to have this time with them, after everyone leaves and goes home I actually end up feeling worse, or my cup even less empty, than I did before we got together. I realized this evening why that is. When all my in-laws go home, they all go home with a tangible piece of that Maile pie with them. I, do not. Before, when we'd all depart from some fun-filled time spent together, Naki and I would come home together and, as corny as this sounds, glory in such amazing time spent as a family. We would unwind by discussing the different conversations we'd held with different family members throughout the day, fill each other in on something the other didn't know about what any particular child may have said or done, laughed as we recalled a funny moment, or just enjoyed sitting side by side relaxing after getting all the dirty children cleaned and in their beds. Those times after our Maile family get togethers is what I'm missing. Without it I feel such a let down after such precious and enjoyable time spent with my family. It doesn't seem to me to be the appropriate emotion after feeling it's complete opposite just minutes or hours before. Tonight I discovered a new habit of mine, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I realized that during that missing Naki unwind time I've felt the urge to text his brothers and sisters to tell them just a snipet of what I'd usually be telling him...a really small snipet, but a snipet just the same. So guys, sorry for always texting you after every get together to gush over all of you just to tell you how much I adore each and every one of you. But you mean everything to me, and by answering those texts you've helped, once again, to lessen some of the pain that I feel in missing my Baby.

Tonight as I was struggling I was praying to God and then talking to Naki. I just wanted to relieve some of my frustration to them both. All the pressure and stress of his absence came weighing down on me. The idea entered my mind and heart to sit down and read the scriptures. I do this all the time, but usually my free reading time at night I try and read some of the gospel study books I have, or really, any of the material I'm constantly combing over since Naki died. But despite how much I wanted to read those things, the thought just came to me very quietly yet resolutely, read the scriptures.

Okay. I can do that...if I could just stop crying long enough to see what's written, that is. Since Naki died I've been using his scriptures to read at night. It's amazing all the cross references and notes he has in there. I love reading what he's written. It helps me feel connected to him. He has all these sticky notes throughout his scriptures because there's just not room enough for him to write all of his amazing notes in the margins. :) I sat down and started reading, just randomly picking a spot. I'd been reading for several minutes, not really sure why I had felt so calm about the fact that I should sit down and read this very minute, when I turned the page to continue. I discovered a new sticky note, which was strange since I thought I had seen them all. Usually there is an outline to these notes, but this one is scripture references starting at the top and circling around the edges. But written smack dab in the center of it, he wrote these words. "DON'T LIMIT GOD!!", underlined twice. I couldn't believe it. I knew instantly as I read those words, that the impact they had on me in that precise moment was the exact reason I was supposed to have been reading my scriptures tonight. Both Naki and God were able to give me a slight chastising to all the griping I had been doing just moments before...how lovely. Two fer one. How perfect. But the truth in that statement I can not deny. God is limitless, and I would be better for remembering it in my down moments like these.

Is the time ever going to come that the girls won't wake up in the middle of the night calling out "Daddy" while crying in their sleep? It breaks my heart. And yet, I hope the time never comes that they aren't always thinking of him. Yesterday when I put Eli to bed she was so upset. We had just returned from some family softball games and earlier we had been talking about how the girls had one day of school left. She cried to me, "Dad is never going to come back...he's going to miss summer and everything!". I reminded her that we just don't know the Lord's timing, but we know for sure that we will see Dad, even if that means we have to live many many summers without him.

Butt Divot

Since Naki died I've continued to sleep on my side of the bed. I havn't been able to bring myself to scoot over and use the whole bed. It just doesn't feel right or natural, after having slept on the right side of the bed since we were married. As a result of not having his body there to balance things out, I've begun to notice quite the butt divot spot where I sit and read and then go to sleep every night. I considered titling this post "butt crater", but I think 'divot' is much more generous and sweet sounding. I really need to rotate and flip my mattress, but Naki and I used to do that kinda thing together. There's no way I can man this monster mattress by myself. I know there are plenty of people who can and would help me if I asked, but I just haven't wanted to take the step and do one other thing that we normally would have done together with someone else. I'm sure I'll do it sooner or later, but for now it's gonna be later.

So last night I decided to be real brave and sleep on Naki's side of the bed...trying to even things out and all...What a joke. Literally. You should have seen me. I couldn't figure out which way to dangle my foot off the edge, almost whacked my head on his nightstand several times, and got all tangled up throughout the night. Eva was extremely confused when she made her foray up to my bed in the middle of the night, and for a minute seemed to not be able to figure out where she actually was. I was in her spot! The best part was when my alarm went off to wake me up in the morning. I have issues with alarms...why would I like something that forces me to stop sleeping? I am never able to be on time for my day if I set my alarm for when I actually want to be awake. So I set it for 27 minutes early. (My snooze button is for 9 minutes.) This allows me to "sleep in" for 27 minutes as I slowly wake up. I have trained myself to whip those covers off and jump out of bed pretty fast in order to stop the annoying screeching my alarm makes. My normal cover whipping was hilarious in it's altered state this morning...I was on the left side of the bed, and kept trying to get out towards the middle of the bed, resulting in my covers all wonky in the end. It was hilarious in my mind's eye, and must have looked quite odd and confusing to anyone watching. Maybe Naki got a good chuckle out of it. I love making him laugh. If he thought I was funny, it made me feel like I was the best comedian ever.

THICK

This morning we were driving in the car and Eli noticed that when she looked at me in the rear view mirror she could see double...you know, where it looks like the driver's shoulders are at the same place their mouth is? We all giggled about how weird this must look, and moved on in our conversation.

A couple of minutes later, Eli pronounced from the backseat, "Mom, you're thick!", to which I replied, "Thank you, Eli". This being thick isn't a new thing for me, and definitely isn't an insult as some women would take it to be. I take pride in my thickness, thank-you-vurry-much. Naki taught me well. The other girls weren't as pleased with her pronouncement, so I asked her, "What does thick mean, Eli?". She held up her hands, palms together, and had her hands almost touching. Oh..."Do you mean thin"? "Yeah! You're thin, Mom..."

No woman would shy away from such a compliment, no matter how content they are with their thickness.

Eli, the JoySchool Graduate, and my Surprise of the Day

I can't believe that I have yet another Joy School graduate living in my house with me! They are by far, Joy School graduates that is, some of the best little people I have ever met. Tonight was Eli's Joy School graduation, and it was just perfect. Due to the lovely MAY snowfall that we had today, we ended up indoors. Before the big night began, while we were still home I noticed things warming up a bit outside, and was determined to get my new backyard tree in the ground. We, Dad, Jr, and Misi and I, had tried to make way with digging the hole on Saturday, but decided the ground could use a dang good soaking. We weren't getting anywhere with that hard rock filled ground. Imagine my surprise when the water was still sitting in that dang hole even after the snow fall today. Seriously. All rocks in this Orem ground. Someone shoulda warned me last year before I decided to plant 7 trees total since last fall! I probably woulda done it anyway. That halfway dug hole was calling my name all weekend. So while Line bathed Ane, Malia bathed Eva, and Eli and Lose bathed themselves for the big graduation night, I headed out with my shovel and a lot of determination. I now have 3 mega blisters on my right hand and something is wrong with my actual hand...I can't grip things like I should be able to. But I did it! It's in the ground, and tomorrow I'm gonna finish covering it with some nice bark. Yay! A tree to shade, hopefully within the next 5 years, the swingset. I was so excited about it, only to have Malia tell me, "Mom, by the time it's actually shading the swingset I'll be 12 and probably won't be swinging anymore." To which I replied, "That's fine. Then I'll be the one to pull the hammock under the tree and relax in the shade with a nice book...". She quickly realized her error of thinking, and now has big plans, as do all of them, for sitting in the future shade of our back yard. Grow tree, grow!

Eli picked out her dress for her big night, and did her hair all by herself. That's her thing these days...doing her own hair. Lose, too. And actually, Eli's been doing Ane's and Eva's hair for them, if they sit still long enough for her elaborate plans. It's too cute. I'll have to take pictures of some of her creations. Here she is with some of her JoySchool group from this year.

I knew that I would have a time of it trying to video, take pictures, and corrall Ane and Eva all by myself, so I gave the job of videotaping to Malia...should be interesting to watch. And I gave the job of photographing to Line. She quickly grew frustrated that she couldn't catch Eli not moving. I personally like these ones the best.



Eli was such a big girl with JoySchool this year. After her Daddy died she really struggled with being anywhere I wasn't. She had to overcome that fear on a weekly basis, and I am so happy for her that she was able to make it through the whole year. The Joy School moms were so understanding, and had more than their fair share of screeching and pawing after me walking out the door, and they never once complained about it. See how happy this little face is? She's happy because she's proud of herself for making it through despite her pain. She told me so...



I followed the example of another JoySchool family and decided it was a great opportunity to take a family photo. I knew that yes, I'd rolled up my mud covered jeans from digging my tree's new home, and yes, I hadn't showered that day since we started out the day with an 8:00 am dentist visit, and yes, some of the girlies didn't want to be in the picture. But, these opportunities are too fleeting, and especially pictures of us together.

It hurts to see what's so obviously not there...which brings me to my surprise of the day. As I was gathering the girlies to leave, I walked past all the daddies standing in a circle visiting with one another. That in and of itself didn't catch me off guard. It was seeing one of the Dads standing there, so nonchalantly holding his 5 month old in his arm like an extra appendage. His stance reminded me of the same way I've seen Naki stand a million times, and it was shocking to not see him standing there, holding one of ours and visiting with his friends. I had to catch my breath, and remind myself that these moments are surprising, but are also a blessing. I hadn't thought of that image of him for some time, and it was a gift for me to see him in my memory so clearly at a time when I'm struggling to remember images of him that used to be so commonplace.

I know that all you JoySchool Moms aren't going to be complete fans of this picture, but I had to put it here in my journal, to always remember the angels that God gave me at this impossible time in my life. These ladies made it possible for me to focus on surviving instead of worrying about teaching this year, or even removing Eli from Joy School all together. I will forever remember that gift that they have given to me. Their kindness inspires me to someday give the gift of kindness to others in a similar way. I love each and every one of them for loving me and Eli so very much this Joy School year.

My Personal Greenhouse

All of this is inside my house and my garage...









...because of all of this.




On the way home from the dentist this morning the girls and I saw SO many trees with broken branches, some huge sections of the trees missing. It took me a minute to make the connection, but I rushed home as soon as I could to check on my baby trees planted just last fall. They really needed me. Although I admit to acting without thinking, not uncommon for me, I ran up to each tree and grabbed it's trunk and shook hard to get all the snow off of their sweet little baby branches. Yes, I got several snow showers. When I got back in the car, Eva exclaimed that I was too wet to be in there. Hey. At least those little trees were saved. The maple beside my house on the east side still hasn't popped back up straight, but nothing's snapped and so I'm hoping that it'll recover. The snow doesn't seem to be bothering these two monkeys.

Snow?

Someone make this insane weather stop! I just planted all my annuals, and am not happy about the snow mixing with them. The plants I bought for the front of my house plus the other annuals I haven't planted are all tucked away in my garage. They aren't happy about it! I have to fill up my watering can a bazillion times today so I can go water them all. C'mon, snow. Go away!