I havn't been blogging for a while. It started out innocent enough. I recognized my addictive tendencies in my personality, and realized that it wasn't normal to be hopping on line several times a day, just to check and see who'd posted anything lately, who'd emailed me lately, or what sales on line I just couldn't miss out on. Not to mention my favorite thing to do...read about gardening and landscaping and find pictures and info about certain plants I'm considering using in my future landscaping plans. It became apparent to me that I needed to take a step back from my computer and make better use of my time. It really helped. I finally got done many of the projects that I had been wanting to get done but felt I didn't have any time for. Pppft. Seriously. I actually did have the time, but hadn't been using it very wisely. And it feels so good to get things accomplished that I've had on my mental list for so very long.
After that, I realized that dance recital time was just around the corner. My mental energy and time was all geared to making it through all that the girls' dancing brings into our lives. We successfully made it through pictures, two dress rehearsals, and five performances without a single missing prop, bobby pin, costume , dancing shoe, rubber band, lip gloss, accessory, leotard, etc...you get my point. All in all, we had a total of 15 costumes, all of the costume's accessories, 2 pairs of hip hop sneakers, 3 pairs of jazz shoes, 7 flower clips, 1 swimming cap, 2hair ribbons, 12 ankle/wrists leis, 6 actual leis, 1 hat, 3 leotards, 1 pair of bloomers, 1 pair of tights attached to 1 white cami, 2 fingerless gloves, a clown collar and matching wrist bands, and then all of the costumes to match. It. Was. Insane. I still can't believe that we didn't forget or misplace a single stinkin' thing. I'll do a post with pictures of the two days soon.
After all of that hoopla was accomplished and checked off my list, I still didn't feel like writing. It seems that the time periods that I used to use for my writing I've replaced with other things. Things that help me veg and relax the way my writing uesd to help me. Right now the main thing I'm absorbed with is getting all of my spring planting finished. It brings me more comfort and solace to be surrounded by plants...their smell, their appearance, and their sound...it makes me feel more at peace within myself than most anything else does. I've even contemplated going to school for it, but haven't made any final decisions yet. But plants aside, I still havn't felt like writing. I told my Mom when she was visiting that I was aware I hadn't written, I knew I should be writing because of the feelings I'd been having about not writing, but couldn't figure out just why I was avoiding it.
Although I still can't pinpoint the exact reasons why I don't want to sit and write, I had a thought about it today. It came when I was struggling wanting to be at church. As I was mentally coaching myself to keep going and not screech aloud during church I had my normal thought, "Abby, you should write about this and how it's making you feel". Those are the kinds of thoughts previously that would prompt me to write down in a notebook what was on my mind and then later pull out that notebook and write about it. I noticed today that after the thought came to me, I dismissed it immediately. Why did I do that? I think it's because I'm on a dizzying carousel ride of emotions...constantly coming back around to emotions I'd already felt in one way or another. I am feeling things that I've already felt, and quite frankly am getting really tired of feeling. Why would I want to sit down and write about something that I've written about in the past? How could that possibly benefit me? The more I examined my behavior, I realized that I've been doing a lot of that...dismissing my promptings to write because of my annoyance with the fact that I am feeling the same things I've already felt and honestly, my annoyance with the fact that I still fell any of these emotions at all. I'm not sure what the alternative is...if I'm not feeling these things, then what do I feel instead? Am I okay with the thought that someday these complex emotions will have run their gamut and I will no longer need them? I'm not sure where any of these thoughts will take me, but I know there's something going on, deep within me, that will eventually work it's way to the surface. Whatever it is, my not wanting to write I believe is a symptom of it.
I tried to figure out why it was such a difficult Sunday for me. The girls weren't really any more different than usual. I think the difference was that I was completely exhausted. For two nights in a row I've been falling asleep sitting up in my bed while reading, with the lights on, and waking up with the lights off, book put away, and me in my covers. When I wake up I can't remember what day it is, where I am, or what time it is and have no recollection of how I got to where I am. I feel completely disoriented, and only want to fall back asleep. I am sleeping completely through the night without any interruptions, and yet I feel drained and unrested. Why? I do know that last night I had a vivid dream about Naki. I hardly ever dream, and when I do dream the times that they include him I can count on one hand. In last night's dream he and I were hanging out, me alive and him dead. We both knew that he was dead, and it seems that the fact that we were spending time with one another this way was not uncommon. We had been asked to speak in church, and were sitting together preparing our talks. We both felt really confident and comfortable about whatever it was we'd prepared, and talked about that. Then, as we were walking down the hall in the church building, I remembered that he was in fact dead, and that he would not be able to give his talk, only I would. As the realization hit both of us, I looked at Naki and watched as my ability to see him grew fainter and fainter. It appeared as though, starting with his left shoulder and moving across his body, he was blowing away like sand in the wind. I recall his extreme disappointment as he so badly wanted to teach what he'd prepared to those that he loves so much. I can't emphasize enough how disappointed he was. Then, as I stood in the hallway watching him disappear, a daughter in a family he loves dearly that he home taught when he died walked by. I still remember watching him try to hug her, hoping that she would be able to feel him. Gently I reminded him that she wouldn't be able to feel him, since he was without his body. But imagine my surprise when she looked quickly towards me, smiled a knowing smile, and kept on walking. Only after waking up did I want to ask him, "Excuse me! Why don't you give ME a hug, you big idiot!". But I know him...he is completely confident of my knowledge of his love for me, and knew that if he had one opportunity to show his love to someone, he would trust me to trust in that knowledge so he could help someone else feel of his love.
Perhaps having such an intense dream about Naki being at church with me the night before I actually went to church contributed to my difficult Sunday.
After church we napped...Halelujah. I had a headache the size of something ginormous. Again, I woke not knowing where I was or what day it was...oh. And Ane screaming my name to kingdom come. I had promised the girls I would cook tonight, something I have rarely done since October. I make food, sure, but I don't really cook. So tonight Line and I made Parmesan crusted chicken, a broiled three potato blend, corn on the cob, and 2 upside down pineapple cakes. Uh..maybe the next time I cook after not cooking for almost 8 months I shouldn't be so ambitious. There's a reason I haven't cooked. I didn't remember it until tonight. Naki used to play with the kiddos on Sunday afternoons while I cooked, or the other way around. I remembered that suddenly as Ane was literally hanging like a koala bear to a tree, except it was my leg, as I was desperately trying to peel potatoes. I'm not doing that again, for a long time. I'm totally not proud of how many outbursts I had. Several times I actually hauled her to her crib, shook my finger at her as I announced that she was not allowed to be around the rest of us until she could talk instead of scream at us. I didn't think it would work, but on all occasions she eventually calmed down and would apologize unprompted to me when I would return for her.
Maybe next time I should try the crock pot. I will say that the kids were LOVING it. Right after we blessed the food, Malia announced in a majestic voice, "And to-night!, we Eat. Like. Kings!". So, at least they were happy.
