Still Alive

Today is my birthday. I am 34. This surprisingly hasn't been all that difficult for me so far, but give me some time. I'll hit a rough patch about having my first birthday without Naki around to pinch me. But I'm grateful for the calm unemotional moments. Birthdays for he and I were pretty darn simple. We just wanted to feel special on our birthday, which for us didn't require any gifts but instead thoughtful acts of kindness and consideration that would make us feel either kingly or queenly, depending on whose day it was. And although I miss him terribly, I have felt queenly today, for sure. I love all of you who have tried so hard to love me today.

I just love this time of year. Last fall I planted a lilac bush, a different flowering shrub whose name I'm forgetting right now...plum something, a peach tree, a spring snow crabapple tree, two flowering hawthorn trees, a maple tree, and two entire perennial beds. I keep finding excuses to go out and make the rounds, checking on everybody to see whose sprouted what buds...some are cute and fuzzy, others and smooth and bright. I. Love. It. Something about seeing my plants grow fills me up. I've already fertilized, and can't wait to see all of them start their spring time show. Now, if I'd just remembered last fall that I had an entire bag of bulbs in my garage that I'd bought before Naki died, and then remembered to plant them, I'd get to enjoy those too. But, there's always this fall for planting and next spring for enjoying.

I think that's what I find so enjoyable about all this planting. The plants are alive. We are alive. There are many parallels to draw from the two and experiencing both of them. I'm a bit drowsy, and really want a nap on my birthday! So I won't go into deep comparisons right now, but I know from reading about my plants, knowing the care they require in order to reach their full capacity, and knowing that they will continue to live as long as I provide for their needs, that I find much of that similar to me. And similar to me even BEFORE Naki died, and all the more now that he's gone.

Death is imminent. We know better than we've ever known before that it is inevitable and essential to our progression beyond mortals into immortality. The other night at dinner the girls were discussing my upcoming birthday. Some of the girls were joking saying that I would probably reach 82 years old before I die. Fine by me, I said, mentally pleased with that figure since I myself have planned that I'd like to live no longer than 93 years of age...3 chunks of 2o years from the time Naki died. (I'm all about the planning...) I figured I could handle things better if I knew that time frame I was dealing with. If I die before that, SWEET! And if I make it past that, I'll be truly pissed. So when they mentioned 82, I was good with that number.

I started discussing with them the fact that we as a family have clearly learned that death is something we cannot work our way around. We cannot avoid it. It will happen to those we love no matter how much we will it not to. I told them that we were lucky to have each other to listen to and to learn from right now. We needed to not take anyone or any conversation for granted as we have learned that we never know how long we'll have those earthly opportunities. I told them that they needed to realize that someday Mom will die, too. And that it is essential that people learn what they can from their parents while they're still alive, if possible. Malia balked. Completely balked, at that concept. She succinctly told me that if I died, she'd climb to the tallest place possible and hang herself.

That's right. My daughter, my sweet sweet Malia, told me that she'd most likely want to hang herself if I died. She'd finally let some part of her emotions come out, for once. I knew that the environment of our family meals was not conducive to the conversation that was obvious we needed to have, and told her that I would love to talk to her about that after I put the babies to bed.

We eventually met up on her bed that night, revisiting her thoughts from earlier. I asked her why she felt that way, and she told me that it was quite simple. If both Dad and I were dead, then she wouldn't want to be living...she'd want to be where we were. We worked through those thoughts. What had at first shocked me now became obvious and clear to me. She was saying aloud what I've been thinking for the last 5 months. I don't really want to kill myself, but I definitely don't want to live anywhere where Naki isn't. It's all about the pain your feeling, and the thought of feeling that pain continually for an indefinite amount of time. Malia, you are not alone in your thoughts. It's totally and completely normal to feel and think that way. But know that as time passes, you'll find that you have adventures ahead of you, people you haven't even met yet, that will be recipients of your love, whom will help you feel a portion of what you will miss when both Dad and I are gone. There is life to be lived, as unbelievable as that may be to think, when you feel like there is not. I feel that way every day. I'm shocked to find another day is here, thrilled that another day has gone, and wonder what lies ahead. I don't know how it's possible, but I am trying to have faith that where I feel dead inside will someday feel full of life.

I took these pictures last April (even though the date shows it's 2008, it's really 2009) of one of the grape vines in my neighbors yard that grows along and over our fence in the backyard.




At the end of the fall these grape vines are pruned and trimmed back, readying them for the new growth that will happen in the spring. All winter they look like a bunch of dead twigs. And then, in Spring, I find these drops of water coming out of their pruned ends.



It shocks me every time I see them. How could something like water, so essential to life and so alive, come out of something that looks so dead? It is a baffling miracle. I'm holding onto the hope to have that same experience sometime in the next 60 years, (No later, or else!), that I will feel alive and full of life once again.

Frustrating Dreams

I want to say thank you! to all of you that have contributed thus far to our Fireside Fundraiser. I have been so touched at all of your willingness to contribute yet something more to our family efforts. I have been sweetly surprised/relieved by all of you being so generous. I thought I wouldn't be able to sell any tickets, and had thought that just so I could contribute somehow I would end up buying several plates myself and of course would then not know what to do with all of that extra food. I know the food will be so so yummy and that even more of you will get to have some when we do it again next month. If you're still interested for getting food for this Friday, just email me and I'll let you know if it's still possible.

As I referred to in one of my recent posts, I haven't been feeling so well. Actually, my sinuses and cough have pretty much cleared all up, which is a relief. But I'm not talking about that, but instead mean how I've been feeling emotionally. I find myself sometimes feeling such astonishment still, that my Naki isn't going to walk around the corner and into the room. I just expect to see him, and find myself repeatedly let down when I do not. I pray every day, for me and the kids, to feel him in our lives. I don't know what that would actually feel like...to feel him in my life these days. I'm so terribly confused because at times I feel he's so close that it's possible he just might walk around the corner, as if he'd never left. And then when he doesn't, I wonder how I could have let that thought slip by my thought filter.

Somedays I am very successful at pushing the desire to see him to the back of my mind. Those are the days that I am able to not think of me living the rest of my entire mortal life without him, but rather I am able to just limit my perspective to the current day and the current day only. But I've discovered that I am only able to do that for so long, and that it is only a matter of time until all of those thoughts I've been able to suppress come boiling over the surface. How can I find the balance? How can I find the exact frame of mind that will help me live in the most complete state of wholeness that is possible? Right now the see-saw effect of this thought pattern is making me so exhausted. I am having trouble again making myself wake up in the morning. I crave sleep. More accurately, I crave the oblivion that I hope comes with sleep.

I have had some crazy dreams lately. One night I dreamed that it was the night that Naki had died. I saw up in the sky, as he was dying, what looked like a rectangular shaped portal of light. The shape kind of reminded me of one of those huge framed living room mirrors that some people have. In the inside of the frame there was nonstop activity with fragments of light...kind of like you see when Luke travels through Light Speed in Star Wars. I watched how the different stages of the light's patterns matched the different stages of Naki dying, and knew that it was time for him to go just by what the lights were doing. In my dream, time passed. I saw myself trying so hard to do everything that was required of me, all the while checking on that portal and it's level of activity. I knew that if I kept checking on it, that I'd be sure to not miss when it was my turn to go through the portal and be with Naki. Suddenly, one day, I was shocked to find that the portal having just recently been dormant, was now starting to rev up. The light show going on inside of it was beautiful, and I was pretty much hyperventilating in excitement as I could feel my body start lifting off of the ground, gradually making my way towards that opening. The joy that I felt at the thought that I was finally finished with mortality was so overwhelming that I cannot even begin to describe it. At the same time that I recognized how thrilled I was at the prospect of finally being able to see Naki, I corrected myself and reminded myself that I should be just as excited if not more that I would finally be able to see God and Jesus Christ, too. All of a sudden, just as I was almost to the portal, I felt an overwhelmingly powerful pull back to earth. As my arms were outreached heavenward, I glanced behind me and saw all six of my beautiful girls, standing as a group, with all of their arms outstretched to me, as they were crying out for me to stay. I knew instantly that I would stay with them and that it was the right thing to do. But the pain of making the choice to put my arms down back by my side and return back to the ground was intense and frustrating. The mental tug of war that I play through in my head is making me so tired.

I have felt the pull to start the process of going back to school...NOT something I'm all that thrilled about, for sure. I had been doing a little bit of research before I went to bed, and so the thoughts about what kind of job will provide the right kind of flexible hours that I need must have been at the front of my mind. In my dream, or should I call it a nightmare, I dreamt that once again, I was forced to leave my babies in someone else's care, as I went off to either go to school or go to work...I'm not sure which one. When I returned to get the girls much to my dismay no one could find Ane. For some reason the caretaker's location was near a body of water. I eventually located Ane, who in the dream was the same age she is now, playing at the edge of a deep and dangerous body of water, all alone, about to be overtaken by the powerful water. I awoke with such frustration at the circumstances that I feel somewhat pushed into, and more than a bit antsy about not being the one to take care of my babies all the time.

One book I've been reading off and on over the last couple of months is called Life Everlasting written by Duane S. Crowther. In his words in the introduction as to the purpose of this book, he writes, "This volume is not a fanciful collection of consoling poetry and funeral phraseology. It is a careful analysis of the experiences of dozens of reliable individuals who have died and then returned to life, and of scores of others who have been visited by departed spirits. It is a gathering together of revelation after revelation telling of the glorious life which awaits the righteous. It is my personal witness that life continues beyond the grave, and that God allows mortal man to know many of the joys of the life to come!" Also, written on the page before the dedication page is a quote by Joseph Smith. He said, "All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand....our departure hence...It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject."

I have taken that last quote to heart, and have been studying and reading intensely whenever I have a spare moment so I can learn and understand more of our Heavenly Father's divine plan for all of us, and specifically, for me. Last night I read something that Parley P. Pratt, an early member of the church, had to say on the subject of why righteous spirits return to earth. He was writing about the interest that those Spirits who have died, or what we refer to in the LDS church as those Spirits who are on the other side of the veil that separates earth and heaven, hold in their mortal loved ones. He was writing about the manner in which such beings often communicate with mortals through dreams. He explained it as follows:

"When the outward organs of thought and perception are released from their activity, the nerves unstrung, and the whole of mortal humanity lies hushed in quiet slumbers, in order to renew its strength and vigor, it is then that the spiritual organs are at liberty, in a certain degree, to assume their wonted functions, to recall some faint outlines, some confused and half-defined recollections, of that heavenly world, and those endearing scenes of their former estate, from which they have descended in order to obtain and mature a tabernacle of flesh. Their kindred spirits, their guardian angels then hover about them with the fondest affection, the most anxious solicitude. Spirit communes with spirit, thought meets thought, soul blends with soul in all the raptures of mutual, pure, and eternal love.

In this situation, we frequently hold communication with our departed father, mother, brother, sister, son or daughter; or with the former husband or wife of our bosom, whose affection for us, being rooted and grounded in the eternal elements, or issuing from under the sanctuary of love's eternal fountain, can never be lessened or diminished by death, distance of space, or length of years.

We may, perhaps, have a friend of the other sex, whose pulse beat in unison with our own; whose every thought was big with the aspirations, the hopes of a bright future in union with our own; whose happiness in time or in eternity, would never be fully consummated without that union. Such a one, snatched from time in the very bloom of youth, lives in the other sphere, with the same bright hope, watching our every footstep, in our meanderings through the rugged path of life, with longing desires for our eternal happiness, and eager for our safe arrival in the same sphere.

With what tenderness of love, with what solicitude of affection will they watch over our slumbers, hang about our pillow, and seek to communicate with our spirits, to warn us of dangers or temptation, to comfort and soothe our sorrow, or to ward off the ills which might befall us, or perchance to give us some kind token of remembrance or undying love."

I've thought a great deal about his words since I read them last night. I am well aware that you cannot believe everything you read, but you can take truth from everything you read. If, in fact, there is truth in his words, how does that reconcile itself with the fact that my dreams are not peaceful moments that are conducive to such communication that I pray for daily, but rather are conflicted and anxious moments where my conscious and subconscious thoughts are played out on a nightly basis?

Ever the Competitor

We were sitting around the counter in the kitchen tonight eating yummy treats that Aunt Ginny had made with the help of the girlies from a recipe their Auntie Jackie had posted on her cooking blog. Everyone was goofing around, trying to get extra messy because Auntie Ginny had her camera out. Out of the blue, Lose shouts out,

"I call dibbs on coming out of the clouds with Dad first!"

A comment like that can leave a lady a bit taken aback. So I asked her, "What do you mean, Lose?"

And she responded, "You know, when we get resurrected and come out of the clouds with Dad and Jesus at the Second Coming...I call dibbs on coming out of the clouds first with them."

Well, at least she's finding a way to put a positive spin on it. Apparently, we have a tiche of clarification as to the order of some things, but at least she has a goal to be with the two best people possible at the most important event to come.

Today has been hard for me. Some days are just like that, with no specific reason that stands out from any other day. I know that a huge part of it is the fact that I am having to use his phone. Since my phone isn't working, I had my number switched to his phone so I wouldn't have to buy a new one, and quite possibly just until I check into the insurance coverage I had on my phone. Let me tell you, you wouldn't believe the number of alarms that were going off on top of each other once I put his battery back in his phone. That boy loves so many of you. There were reminders in there to call some of you, wish you happy birthday, happy anniversary, or just to check on you. Then to hear all the different ring tones coming in whenever it would ring was killing me, too. The girls think it's fun to see Dad's phone out again being used, and I just think it's painful. In addition to his phone, I had therapy today. Eva and I go in every Wednesday morning and it has been so fantastic to be able to talk without inhibition to my therapist. But today, even though the info was helpful and I'm better for having been able to express some of my thoughts, it brought me mentally to that place where I can't stop thinking about him. Seriously...this is silly. When I went to pick up the girls from their Grandma's and Grandpa's, I noticed his Mom's legs, specifically the outside of her calf, and thought "Oh! Naki's muscle in his leg moves like that when he would hardly even move his leg...I want to see his muscle in his leg move again, right now." I want this merry-go-round in my head to just stop spinning. Somedays it seems so easy to just focus one day at a time, and others I just can't seem to stop thinking about being without him until I die. I miss him tonight so painfully that I actually feel nauseous in my tummy...haven't really felt that since the first week he died. Good news is, sweets only make it worse. I guess that's a plus. But the crying is only messing with my already messed up sinuses..not sure if it's a cold, or allergies, or what. But enough already! I just want to breath through my nose again someday soon.

So, to help with my pain, tonight I want to write. I've been keeping a running list about each child, whether it's what they're doing these days or funny things they've said.

Emeline:
This girl is a doll. She really is. Her tendency to obsess and stress over anything is exhausting for me as her Mom, but her obsessing is also her biggest strength. Because she thinks on, over, through, and in between everything, she's super responsible, extremely aware, and just plain sweet. Therapy for her has continued to help, especially since we started having the girls seen one at a time instead of in a group. Line has struggled with feelings of anxiousness and also has started showing symptoms of OCD. Her little hands, up her wrists, and to the middle of her forearms are SO chapped because she just cannot stop washing her hands. That's not the only thing she uses her OCD with to feel control in her life. But she's working in therapy to learn defense mechanisms and tactics against those thoughts and impulses. She's made a list of things she can do instead of feel anxious, and we're seeing small signs of progress. She is such a dramatic girl, and worries far too much for my taste. And over EVERYTHING. I told her I just want to see her little face exuding happiness more than it exudes stress and anxiety. My friend told me a Helen Keller quote that I told Line. I'm sure I won't state it perfectly, but the concept is that you have to produce happiness in order to consume it. Line wants to have happiness, but hasn't contributed her fair share these days. And I've learned that it most definitely has to be produced from within yourself. No one can manufacture that for you.

I've found myself in completely uncharted territory with things that involve training bras, highly anticipated playdates with a friend of hers that's a boy, confessions to a boy about who she "like-likes", and other such nonsense. That's right. Naki and I are gonna go a coupla rounds for sure when I see him next.

Sure love this angel of mine. She has an affliction that I had, and still have, that comes from reading words that we've never heard pronounced and then trying to use them in conversations only to mispronounce them. It is extremely entertaining to me, and consistently frustrating for her. Tonight she had a zinger. We were discussing her overall disappointment with school lunches, to which she very enthusiastically informed me, "Well, the day I'm looking forward to is the 15th...when they're serving a dell-eye sandwich and a cinammon roll..." Apparently, we don't use the word "deli" too often anymore. We use the words "Subway Sandwich" around here instead. I was dying!

Anamalia:
Malia was sent here to teach me. She does it consistently, whether by her example of true love for people or whether by the choices she makes that cause me to count to 10 and search inside of myself for additional patience. The therapists told me that it was a close tie between her and Lose for the two that didn't want to open up the most at therapy. They also tell me that she'll take herself out of an activity that would require her to face the emotions it involves rather than deal with those feelings. Malia makes me want to cuddle her and just hold her close because she doesn't say what she feels. Because she doesn't, it eventually erupts out of her. She doesn't like the way that feels, but hasn't figured out yet that it's actually healthy to work with it a piece at a time. But she'll get there.

Malia is an incredible sister. Here are just some things that I've noticed her doing over the last little while. I kept finding these sticky notes with random words written on them all over the floor by her and Eli's seats in the car. When I asked her about them, she told me that she's teaching Eli to read whenever we drive somewhere. She writes a word down for Eli, and then works with her on it, pronouncing it and writing it, until Eli can do it all by herself. For those of you who don't know, Malia didn't jump into learning her letters or reading AT ALL. I would do our alphabet puzzle with her over and over, and she still couldn't tell me which letter was which for the longest time. But when she decided SHE wanted to learn them, she did. And so I find it especially sweet that she is teaching Eli...just so sweet. I will find Malia set up with one of her sisters, "doing" their hair for them. This involves getting it all wet, brushing it, and then creatively styling it. Words don't do justice to this girls' creativity. But I will say that she manages to give people bangs who didn't have bangs before she started with them, and she doesn't do any cutting...she uses the ends of their long hair to come back up and over their head and end up with ends at the right length for where she wants the bangs to end. It sounds weird, but it looks surprisingly good! She always finds a way to help whomever's hair she's working on to feel beautiful when she's done. Now, that's a gift.

Malia is learning that to be a good sister is more important than being a good friend to someone who isn't your sister...sounds shifty maybe to some of you, but what I mean is that she's learning that her sister's secrets should be safe with her. Her sister should feel that she can trust Malia with her innermost secrets, say, her current boy-crush. Malia now knows that when you swear to keep something secret, that actually means secret. She is discovering about herself that it is very VERY hard to keep a secret. :) I know how it feels, girl. She's also discovering the benefits of choosing to be a leader instead of a follower. It's been painful to watch her want so badly to want to be someone's friend to the point of tagging along behind them, waiting to be noticed. And yet because of her generous heart and the way she gives unconditionally to those around her, she fails to notice those tagging along behind her, waiting to be noticed by her. She's been thrilled to be able to come and give me exciting updates on deciding to go ahead and do her own thing only to have those she was tagging along behind choose to come and see what she's up to. There truly is peace to be found in liking yourself no matter how others act towards you.

For Christmas Malia, Line, and Lose got LeapFrog Didjs, handheld educational toys. Eli and Eva got LeapFrog Leapsters, also handheld educational toys but ones that are geared to the younger crowd. Eli consistently is found secluded in a closet, under a table, or behind a couch with one of the big girls' Didjs. She REALLY really wanted one. Remember that feeling of wanting to be bigger? So guess what Malia did. Uh-huh. She gave hers to Eli. Just gave it to her. Lucky for her, I had found an extremely discounted one that I'd ordered for Eli that was already on it's way and just gave it to her instead of Eli. What 8 year old does that? This girl is so beautiful, inside and out.

I feel a bit better now. Thinking about these angels of mine is always therapeutic. I feel drained and tired now, and will write some more on the other girlies hopefully tomorrow.

Hi.... it's me again

Hi, I'm Line, and I told my mom on Sunday that I wanted my own blog. I mean, she has one, my aunties have theirs, and I want mine. So, my mom told me to type a post on her blog, but still I feel uncomfortable because the last time I posted on my mom's blog was a couple of years ago when she asked me to post about my lateover with Kyra on her old blog, and,looking back on it, didn't do a very good job. I'm supposed to blog about something, and I've chosen to blog about yesterday. (Just so you know, as I type, I'm hoping I will do as well as my mom, so wish me luck!!!) Yesterday was Aria's birthday party, which was AWESOME!!!! They had a pinata which I was hoping to break myself, but, (sigh) I didn't. Boo. That's me, looking for spotlight. Another thing that they had was a bouncehouse..... children jumped for awhile, and then...... TROUBLE!!!!! Adults' turn!!!! When it was the women's turn, they were trying to shoot hoops.... For those that don't know, I'd like to be a photographer when I grow up, so, of course, I got a little practice..... I got a good three minute video. I wish I could get it on here, shoot. They also had a cool photo booth which, I'm telling you, I must have gotten a thousand pictures of. And, until we figure out how, they will remain unposted. (Those who weren't at the birthday party and didn't see them, I can tell you personally that they were HILARIOUS!!!!) There were fun games that we kids (and a few adults) could play. After you played the game, they gave you little money chips that you got to go spend at a prize table. (Kyra had an oragami station, Tiera had a face painting station) I got a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup pack, a Kitkat pack, and a Whoppers pack. (These were just a few items) Funny story..... I woke up on Sunday to find that ALL my Whoppers had been eaten. Did I mention that I put ALL my candy in MOM'S purse? Yep, it was guess-who. They are her favorites, and when I found them gone, I IMMEDIATELY guessed it was my mother. When I asked her about them, she said she thought either Auntie Mona or Auntie Misty had put it there because my Mom had told them that she had tried to convince Eva to pick them as a prize so she could eat them......... Ha-ha, mom. I wish I could say, Here's some pics!!! like my mom, but I don't really have any, so I'll finish saying, Happy Birthday, Aria!!!


P.S. I typed this originally the weekend of Aria's Birthday party, several weekends ago. I'm happy to report that very very soon, I will have my very own blog! It will most likely be private, and Mom isn't exactly sure how that works....but I am so excited!

True Personality

I realized how serious Eli's face was in that picture, and just had to post a couple others to show her TRUE personality.

Last Days for the Fundraiser

Hey all y'all. I just wanted to let everyone know that this is the last week to purchase tickets for our plate lunch Fundraiser. We are trying to sell all of our tickets and collect the monies for them by the 12th so we know exactly how much food to cook. So, if you wanted to support our Fireside Group now is the time! If you've already contacted me, thank you. Please email me at thamailez@yahoo.com to make arrangements for picking up your ticket. Also, I wanted to clarify that this is not an actual sit-down BBQ luncheon. The food will be packaged and ready for you to pick up...mmmmm. It's making me hungry just thinking about it!



Also, it seems my phone isn't in working order. Yesterday I had it in the pocket of my sweater when I jumped up to see where something was located in the cupboard above my fridge. Either I'm a shrimp, or those cupboards are REALLY tall! As a result of my extremely powerful jump, it fell out of my pocket, and hasn't worked since. So if I'm not returning your call, now you know why! I'll be working on that today hopefully.



I love you all, and hope you have a great day. Thought I'd put a picture up here of the beauty I get to stare at every day...